Musical.. Er.. Day.. Number.. Erm..

"So Mr Insomniac -" ask the normal people of the world, the ones that get into bed, fall asleep for 8.37 hours, and wake up feeling refreshed "- what's it like living on 1-2 hours of broken sleep every night for weeks on end?"

The Insomniac isn't too sure how to answer this. After all, Last Remaining Alert Brain Cell (that you may recall, is a complete and utter bastard) has made the Insomniac walk to town and do shopping amid all the cranky if it wasn't for us in world war two pensioners pushing past the Insomniac, and 'disabled' people on their Obescycles blocking the aisles so they can buy chocolate...

The Last Remaining Alert Brain Cell, being a complete and utter bastard, decides to answer the question in the form of music. He vaguely recalls the day being Monday, and something associated with music happening on that day.

So here we have what it's like in the head of Mr Insomniac most days.

And f$cking nights.

Nine Years

Today, my brain is doing some strange things to me. As usual, I did not sleep very well in the slightest, and when I did manage to doze off, my dreams were filled with Guys Hospital, and plenty of bad things. I woke up feeling quite... Shit... This was at half five. I was freezing cold, I was trying to push things out of my mind, and ended up clambering out of bed, slapping on a tee shirt and lounge pants, put on the heating, and snuggled up to Kellie to steal her body heat.

I fell asleep failing quickly - I assume, anyway, I don't remember much after getting back into bed. I did my best to keep my mind clear, occupying it with my happy place, and ended up asleep again.

I woke up at about eight, Kellie getting ready for work, but my brain was calm, relaxed. Don't get me wrong, I was still sad, but aside from a few times of my brain pulling me back to that room nine years ago, my mind wasn't focused on that last week with Bethy. It was everything else she did.

Now, I am not saying I am "cured" or "over it" or anything else, but I think I am coping better than I have done over the previous years.

I also can't believe it's been nine years. As I write this, I can picture Bethy laughing and smiling, I can picture her playing, I can picture her sitting with me watching kids TV, see her dancing, enjoying what she had.

I miss her every day. Every single day. I am sure there are people out there that can't understand nor imagine what it is like to deal with this sort of thing, but deal and cope I have to.

Don't get me wrong, I could quite easily collapse in a big pile of sobbing Dan if I chose to, but I can't. I have all the kids here depending on me, I have Kellie, I have my friends and my family. And it's a joint effort - without them, I wouldn't have any reason to stand up straight and carry on. I need to be strong for them, and because of them, I can be strong.

I am a firm believer in coping with friends and loved ones. I tried Bereavement Counselling, and it made things seem worse. Every session seemed harder and harder. Same with my previous bout of CBT - talking things through doesn't cure everything... Well, with strangers at any rate. I can talk to those around me if I need to, even though opening up to people is really really difficult for me.

But I digress.

I have found several days this month quite difficult, especially via Facebook... People post all sorts of things regarding Congenital Heart Defects (CHD) throughout February, as it is designated CHD Awareness Day/Week/Month depending on who you talk to. I often find it hard reading people talking about how well their child is doing. I find it really really hard reading about people that have lost their child, and all I can do is offer my condolences and support, but I always think my words sound hollow for some reason. The hardest thing, however, is seeing all the photos people post of children in ICU with the pipes and tubes and wires, coupled with the surgical marks and wounds and scars...

THAT brings it rushing back to me in quite a hard manner, but I can't scream at the people that their picture brings everything back. People remember things in different ways, but the pictures of children an hour or two post surgery just makes me feel awful, and I have to ALT+F4 my browser, just to get out of there, and then spend ages trying to get the image out of my mind, which of course, my brain switches so it stars Bethany...

But anyway.

Today, I have made sure Kellie is at work. I have three kids here with me, and I am determined to get through today as normally as possible. Aside from a hiccup this morning, I've been quite good and settled today, remembering the good for the most part. I'm sad and down, but am pushing through it as best I can. So I made sure Kellie went to work. Usually she has today off to keep me company and occupied... So far, I think I'm OK.

To my beautiful Angel, Bethany...

I can't believe that today marks nine years since you had to leave me. I was so sure that you had the fight in you to beat everything that was thrown your way, but in the end, it was too much for you. I still sometimes wonder if things would have been different if I had asked your doctor-man to look at other options, but blaming myself does not achieve anything - even though I can't help but wonder about it some days.

I miss you every single day my little gorgeous. I miss hearing you laugh, shouting out for me when you didn't want to get out your chair, giggling when I rubbed my beard on your cheek and neck, laughing when I announced the chocolate was only for people with a spleen.

I wonder how you would have grown, what interests and hobbies you would have taken to, what you would have been like at school, what career you would have gone into. I know it's not a good thing to do, but I often wonder "what if" in the dead of night, what if you hadn't left, what if you hadn't been born with the insides the way they were...

I wish so hard for more time with you. A few more minutes just to talk to you. A few more minutes of holding you in my arms. A few more minutes of tickling you, playing with you, of letting you know how loved you are, how wonderful you are, and how much you would be missed. Just one more minute of one of your big cuddles with your arms tight around my neck, feeling your breath on my cheek, your cold fingers on the back of my neck.

I miss you so much Bethy. I love you with all of my heart still, and even now, I still think I see you out of the corner of my eye, or nipping through a crowd... I expect to see you on the stairs sometimes, or sitting on the sofa, or walking around dragging Baby Rabbit behind you.

Where ever you are, my perfect little Angel, I hope you are happy. I hope you know you are missed daily, but more than anything I hope you know how much you are loved. Whoever you are with, whatever you are doing, I just want you to know you are loved dearly.

I'm sorry you couldn't stay longer my Princess. I would have loved to see you grow up into a beautiful girl, teen, and woman. No matter where you are or what you are doing, dance, shake, wiggle and run around.

Sweet dreams, my little gorgeous.

I see you baby, every single day.

Daddy
x

Bloody Bodyclock

I have no idea why or whatever reason my body will use for it, but the last few weeks have been compete and utter pants for my insomnia. I am tired and doing my best to hold in the grouchy each day, struggle to stay awake during daylight hours, find I need to be in bed early of an evening, and then, between one and two in the morning, I wake up.

And awake I can stay till gone five. I might nod on and off until five, but once that magic time rolls around, I flake out hardcore style, and am dead to the world until woken up, or left to wake up - which, if I'm left, can be between ten and eleven in the morning.

For the most part, Kellie usually wakes me up when she's getting ready for work (as I don't like not saying goodbye, and I don't like sleeping in) so I'm not sleeping till late. When my body starts trying to fall asleep during the day, usually around 1pm, I try to keep busy and fight it off. If I am full-on exhausted, I'll have a nap, but not often.

The same thing happens around six, I have to fight dozing off, and never let myself sleep at that time of the day. Of late, I've been exhausted by half eight, and from then on till about ten, I will go to bed.

Once in bed, I've even been too tired to read or poke around on my phone. It's literally get into bed, wait till madam gets comfy, then I fidget a bit and pass out...

Only to reawaken between one and two again.

Sometimes - like tonight - it's pain. The last few nights have been pain-related. My legs are not happy at the moment, and my pain killers are doing between Diddly and Squat for me.

Sometimes my brain wakes me up, and it's stuff I've got to do, or need to do, or thought about doing, or stuff I've been thinking about in general. If it's not pain, it's usually my brain waking me.

Sometimes it's Kellie... A nightmare, or dumping the duvet on me, or removing the duvet from me, or she's making strange sounds on her sleep, suggesting she's either possessed, drowning, strangling herself, having a heart attack or something else entirely random...

Sometimes it's a noise in the house that should not be there. Usually it's a child getting up for a piss, or a cat being a dickhead, or a neighbour making a sudden noise.

Sometimes, it can be the most mundane biological retirement... I need to piss.

And sometimes, it's just "because" It's almost like my body has gone "psst, Dan... Let's be awake for no reason what so ever!" which is so marvellous...

I've mentioned my only company before, a very confused blackbird that seems to sing all night. Indeed, even as I write this, he's out there singing his heart out. If it were five in the morning, I could understand - getting ready for the dawn chorus and all that - but all night long...? He must be as tired as me.

It is usually perfectly silent outside. The occasional car, the odd drunk returning home, a rare emergency vehicle shooting past, blue lights lighting the room briefly... But otherwise, it's quiet and peaceful and almost relaxing... I love the song of a blackbird, and while I feel for him being up all hours, it's not entirely unpleasant.

Don't get me wrong, I don't enjoy being awake, and would much rather be sleeping, but aside from the occasional bored American on Facebook, no one local is around cyberspace at this time of the night. The only others are pissed-off insomniacs just passing through, muttering to themselves, reading posts through bleary eyes, before toddling back off to their beds.

There might be other insomniacs on Twitter, but I don't really spend much time on there. Sometimes I'll be on there for half an hour, but, I don't know.. It just feels impersonal or something on there, and too many people are only interested in arbitrary numbers... Number of followers, and number of tweets. People might say "oh I don't pay attention to those" but you can tell they do by celebrating their twelve-millionth tweet, and posting over and over and over all day long. Maybe Twitter should hide those numbers, that'd be interesting...

But I digress.

I could go and play games, spend a few hours killing baddies or zooming through space or whatever, but usually that just wakes me up more, and I don't even get the early morning mash up of sleep.

I could lay in bed and think about random stuff, stewing on stuff in the dark, but that's not helpful, plus some things just don't need it... Cheque please, over it, move on. Other things can be ranted out and dealt with. Yes, there is probably other stuff I can dwell on, but it doesn't solve anything.

Tonight I'm trying the tactic of making a hot chocolate. I have no idea if it will help or work, but I've not done it for a while, so who knows.

And as well as the hot drink, here I am blogging. Maybe laying my random thoughts out like this will help. Maybe I'll put my phone down and something I've said here will cause me to sit up thinking and stewing for hours on end. Maybe I'll flake out.

But whatever happens, me and my blackbird cohort will no doubt be sitting here this time tomorrow too, him singing away, me trying to understand what my body or brain is trying to tell me.

It's A Bit Damp...

OK, I admit and pre-warn you, this is likely to end up as a rant... I've been clearing up all morning, so am now tired and sore and cranky as f$ck and have been thinking about a lot of this over and over and over...

That said. You may have noticed - and I don't know if it has been touched on by any international news outlets - but the UK is currently in the path of storms. Storm after storm after storm. It has been very wet and very windy.

The Jet-Stream, they say, is pushing damp air in one way, then hitting cold air, and the end result is rain. Or something.

Is it global warming? One group is pointing at it and screeching about Carbon Dioxide and Man-Made climate change, and shit being churned out... Another group is harping on that there is proof that this sort of thing happens and it's just part of the global cycle. We shan't touch on the lunatics blaming gay marriage, equal opportunities, free love, sin or anything falling under the umbrella of "Gods Wrath!" because, you know, they are mad.

So we shall leave that alone. Suffice to say, it's definitely not normal. Not here, and not in many other parts of the world. Parts of the US & Canada are getting ice storms and snow storms and all sorts of cold stuff. Australia is currently cooking and drying out like a worm on the pavement in the summer. Parts of the Middle East are suffering drought. Monsoons have failed. It's all pretty shit.

But to come back home, where our issue is some wind and rain and very large, deep puddles...

It just seems like everyone is blaming everyone else, yet NO ONE is taking responsibilities for their own actions or their own choices or decisions, and THAT is what is pissing me off.

Compared to the other weather-issues around the world, things are not that bad - not really. Would you rather have a foot of water in your lounge - that you were warned was coming - or a raging torrent wash your entire house away? More worried your fields are under water, or not have had rain for so many months nothing you plant is going to grow. And a lot of it is now involving finger pointing and politics, and all sorts of crap.

First off, all the farmers are raging mad because their livestock is wet, their fields are flooded, and they can't make a living. But hang on...

For years, farmers have been cutting down bushes, hedgerows, trees, woods, forests - anything in their way to prevent them making bigger and bigger fields, or clearing places for their sheep to have lunch or whatever.

You know - trees and stuff - those things that, say, drink a shit load of water on a daily basis. If they hadn't cleared land on a bigger and bigger and bigger scale, things might not be quite so bad.

Then there are the people that live on the coast where the storms have landed. Over the years, sea levels has risen, and sea defences have been built up higher and higher. Then, they got to a point where lots of people that live on the sea front realised that their "Scenic Coastal View" was going to be blocked by the new, higher sea wall. They wrote petitions, formed committees, took their problems to the local government and generally protested their little hearts out that the new wall was detrimental to their view, that tourists coming to see their seaside town would stop coming, and so the higher wall was a BAD thing.

Cue the higher, stronger sea going over the sea wall and flooding their little town. "Ooooh if only there were a better sea defence, if only we had a higher sea wall, we're now flooded, so no tourist is going to come here..."

Irony?

The people that have built their houses beside a cliff edge - they get an honourable mention because when the news teams are filming that lovely house going over the edge of the cliff after the waves have obliterated them - why does everyone look so surprised?

And there are the people screaming and shouting and hollering, saying the flooding would have been prevented had their river been dredged "like we have been telling them for years!" Cue then the news helicopter showing the dozens of square miles under three or four feet of water. Now, forgive my mathematics, which was never very good, but I don't think taking a few feet of mud out of a river would have made THAT much more space to prevent eight gazillion gallons of spilling onto the fields.

"BUT it wouldn't have been as bad!" people cry. No, you are right, it wouldn't have been so bad. Instead of twelve square miles being under four feet of water, it'd be twelve square miles under two feet of water.  Much better.

I sometimes think I was the only person in my Science lesson on the day we did the water cycle... Water evaporates off the sea. Clouds roll inland. Clouds reach a point and drop water. Water then goes in different directions - some across land and into the brooks, streams then rivers, to flow back to the sea; some is absorbed by the land, and drains into the water table and aquifers to be used as a water source; some is absorbed by trees and plants...

But there are issues with this now... The rivers have been changed and altered by humans, they've been made straighter and deeper, the sides have been increased. The area around these lower areas are called Flood Plains... Can you tell where that name comes from? And no, it's not because they are quite plain. And this flood plain, which is now walled off from the river becomes a housing estate. Then a village. Then a town. Tarmac, concrete, cement, bricks... This place where the water would usually be absorbed is now a brick-covered sponge, so the water runs straight into the river. For good measure, the towns drainage system now ALSO dumps into the river.

The moors and forests have been hacked, chopped, burnt and generally buggered, so the water that would usually be absorbed here has no where to go. With so much extra water, it just runs down hill, across the big flat open farmland, and dumps straight into the river.

Water + Water + Water + Rain = Lots and Lots of Water

It's not rocket science, and the big strong walls they built to hold the deeper, wider, man-buggered river are actually not that strong. So the Not-So big strong walls go pop and leak all over the flood plain.

Did I say flood plain, sorry, it's a TOWN now. Covered in tarmac and concrete and cement and bricks - so the water that would usually slowly ebb away has precisely zero places to go.

Let's put it another way that people might understand - less sciencey. Think of it in terms of supply and demand.

• The clouds are our supply;
• They piss water all over us because of the demand - the trees and plants and grassland and forests and all the brooks and streams and rivers and flood plain;
• The clouds aren't too smart, so they will supply regardless of the demand;
• Take away MORE demand - cut down trees and forests, build over everything that could absorb water, get rid of the waterways - and you have a surplus;
• That surplus is what us common folk refer to as "a f$cking great flood"

And so with swathes of our country under water, the next logical step is for everyone to blame everyone else. Take some bloody responsibility.

AND! Why is it that every politician and semi-important spod decides to put on their wellies and go take a look?! The Prime Minster has been, the other bloke from the opposite side of Parliament... Wallace, I think, from the Wallace & Grommit movies. The bloke next in line to the throne who will never get there at this rate - he turned up, on the back of a tractor trailer. They all look around, all with their "Grr serious" faces on, listening to the locals rant about their soggy sofa, damp sheep, waterlogged cows, overflowing pond, and whatever else they are screaming about...

Then there is "Social" Media, where people are sharing a photo with a caption like "Share this picture to show your support for the wet blokes down south" Aw that's nice, I am sure a picture of a flood being shared is doing SO much for everyone. "Click Like if you think more should be done to help those affected by Noahs Flood" Aw yes, over twelve thousand people have liked a picture.

Those people with a new pool where their downstairs used to be are SO lucky to have so many likes and shares...

So whats being done?

Well, the Army is involved now (though I think the Navy would SURELY have been a better help) and they are doing the same as the others, standing around, scratching their heads, pulling a boat of cold old ladies and their little shivering dogs.

Then there are the water pumps everywhere, pumping the water from one place to another... Very helpful. It must be that well trained water that knows it's not allowed back where it came from.

There are the councils that are now charging residents for sandbags. That's nice and properly in the spirit of things.

People are trying to work together to rebuild sea walls and river walls, using whatever they have to hand, but you have to wonder... If a properly-built wall didn't stand up to That Wet Weather A Few Days Back, I'm not convinced a wall of sandbags, bricks and mounds of rubble will do the job - especially as there are about a thousand more storms building in the Atlantic and heading our way.

My personal favourite is watching the bloke on the news stand in the middle of a town-come-lake with a somber face on, talking about how these devastating floods will have effects that last for many months, and how worried the residents are - followed by a group of worried residents to go rushing past in the background, laughing and shouting and playing in the water, body boarding, riding their bikes through it, and generally having a proper fun time of it.

Of course, I also can't help but think they should be aware that the flood waters are also churning out every flushed poo living in the sewers, mixing them in with all that water... Yum, enjoy your norovirus.

I hate to say it, but this is our doing. I don't mean me and mine - granted we might flush the toilet a lot, but I don't think you can blame us exactly. I mean "OUR" doing, as in, us people. We've cut, and built, and developed, and blocked, and removed, and diverted - all in the name of progress. But with all that progress, no one seemed to take into account what might happen if - like now - things got a little wetter than usual.

And even now, our councils and our governments continue to change their minds about protected land and greenbelt land, and regardless of what us, the people, have to say about it, woods become housing estates. Parks and lakes become housing estates. Forests and Nature Reserves become housing estates. And the water has no where to go.

Another day in science clearly everyone else missed. Water will pretty much go where ever the hell it wants. It's stronger than us, more powerful than us, has the ability to piss people off whether it's falling out the sky or bubbling out the ground or washing around our private parts. People hate it if it's too hot or too cold. Neither us, nor our local leaders, nor our government, nor out planet - none of us can tell water to get stuffed and stop being such a dick. If it wants to come and play in our towns, it bloody well will. If it wants to rearrange the coastline, it'll do that too. If it wants to piss off and dry out your entire country, hell, it'll do that as well. Whatever water does, it's in the wrong. Just think, it wasn't THAT long ago that everyone in the UK was crying out for more water to prevent a hosepipe ban and drought.

Water grants your wish, and you're not happy.

No more news or social media for me for a while.

/endrant

Gaming Boredom

So, the gaming front has kind of developed a teensy weeny hiccup.

And that hiccup is that very very little is holding my attention. It probably doesn't help that I am knackered, nor does it help that Germs 2 - Revenge of the Germs has struck within ten days of me shaking the last batch, but my point is...

Ugh.

I have a big ol' batch of games installed (you know, like I mentioned just four posts ago), and was getting to grips with another one, but since then, the entertainment-value and enjoyment-factors have both dropped to a big fat zero.

• Diablo 3, bored.
• Dragon Age Origins, bored.
• Electronic Super Joy, bored AND migraine inducing.
• Half Life 2 (and addons), completed many times, bored.
• League of Legends, bored AND full of complete f$cktards.
• Neverwinter, bored.
• Path of Exile, bored.
• Portal, stress-inducing and bored.
• Rift, bored.
• SimCity, bored but trying a new city.
• Sims3, ohmygodSObored.
• World of Warcraft, bored.

So what am I to do? Well, I am considering sticking to SimCity a bit longer, try my Super Ultra Cunning Strategy X plan, but I'm 99.8% confident I will end up fighting to keep the city alive - financially, medically, and literally.

I'm also partly considering picking up my spaceship goggles and jumping back into EvE Online - but I find it difficult to get into EvE too deeply, as often they will say "Right, meet up at 9pm, and we'll do this and that" but I can't commit to that sort of play very often. EvE is not always casual-player friendly.

Diablo 3 has an expansion coming out soon which I am looking forward to, as I've completed that game with every single class on every single difficulty except for Inferno - and not because it was too difficult, but it was just the same thing over and over. And NOW they are changing how the levelling works so you don't have to play it over and over with every class. DOH!

I highly suspect they are dumbing it down, much like WoW has been dumbed down more and more over the last few years.

So what to do?

I could try another game, but that means signing up for another trial, downloading another massive install file, patching another game client for hours on end... I don't especially want to blow money on a game I've not tried - so it either has to be free, or have a trial version. If I like it, I don't mind spending a few quid on it. But I don't want to spend money on something that will suck monkey dangly bits and end up in a draw gathering dust.

I am always up for suggestions, free trials, guest passes or whatever. If you want to suggest something, fire away. As long as it's not boring, doesn't have a learning curve like the north face of the Eiger, doesn't have a community of complete and utter asshats, and doesn't cost my first born, one of my livers and the soul of an innocent, I'm good.

But now in the mean time, I am going to go into SimCity, create 0ddtopia, and destroy the lives of many many innocents.

Because I can.

Gotcha You Ba$tard!

You may recall over the last few years with Kellie, her health issues have always been a bit of an issue. Aside from the hassle of her Familial Hyper-Triglyceridemia, she had the occasional issue with having wonky-heartbeats.

To be honest, this has been going on for as long as - if not longer than - the Triglyceride Saga. Over the last few years, she's dealt with it, felt sick from it, been to the doctor about it, been referred to the Cardiac Unit at the hospital about it, worn 5-day monitoring hardware, had paramedics out about it, and been taken to the Critical Dependency Unit section of Accident & Emergency over it.

At no point has anything been found, nor has Kellie been taken that seriously. From "it's all in your head" to "Panic Attacks" to "Arrhythmia" she's been told different things by different medical "professionals"

Her Lipid Doctor, a few months ago, took a look at one of her old ECG Traces and decided she could see Atrial Fibrillation. So that's what Kellie has "had" since then. Her heart goes funny due to Atrial Fibrillation.

So today... I was in Asda, after spending the morning traipsing around town with the 0dd Sister shopping. I had a basket of shopping, was hot, tired and miserable thanks to the old farts bumping and shoving around the shop. My phone rang, and it was Kellie.

"I don't want you to start to panic... But..."

Words you know will actually do the very opposite.

James was taking Kellie up to A&E. She had had one of her funny turns, lost all her colour, went sweaty, had a crushing pain on her chest, pain in her left arm... No good things at all. So I dropped the basket, hastily apologised to the sister, and flew out of Asda, ran to the bus station, and jumped on a bus to hospital.

I got there PDQ, just in time for Kellie to come out of triage with James acting as bouncer/bodyguard/human wall, and we sat with the woman, watching her sway and look like shit-on-a-stick. Got her booked in, and within ten minutes, we were called through.

I didn't tell her she was flagged as "Urgent Priority"

We said bye to James, thanked him, and followed the nurse into the Critical Dependency Unit, and got her settled onto one of the beds, answering some basic questions as she did so. She wandered off, and a Senior Staff Nurse came in to take some bloods. However, she already had some taken yesterday at one of her "How Much Gross Stuff Is In Your Blood" checkups, so all her results should be on the system. Huzzah! No needle!

He then started asking questions about how she felt, what was going on, describe how it felt - all this stuff that we've gone through a squillion times before. But, she explained how she felt, me adding bits she missed, and him sort of listening. He decided to do an ECG, so put the stickers on her body - some that I feel were in a strange place, compared to where I've seen them done usually - and ran the machine.

It did it's ten-second trace, spat out the paper, and he had a look at it. Hmm'd a bit, "Your heart is fine" he decided "There is no Atrial Fibrillation on here at all. Your heart is healthier than mine!" he proclaimed.

I wasn't happy.

He then started down the route of "Do you know what a panic attack is....?" which is another term for "I'm going to fob you off now" especially as her wonky heartbeats have woken her up in the night. There is NO panic involved whatsoever. Kellie cut him off dead there. She was tired, felt crappy, and didn't want to be there..

"It is NOT a panic attack, I have had panic attacks before now!"

He shook his head and looked back at the ECG. "But your heart is fine. I will go and ask a doctor to give you a second opinion if you like?" Damn right you can do that. Go find a doctor to look, to talk to us, to explain. For several years, we've been fobbed off, so yes, he went to get a doctor to give us a second opinion.

A short time later, a pretty little doctor came in. She was young, and about three inches tall. VERY friendly and nice, and she went through everything, listening to both Kellie and myself. We went through history, examples, symptoms, triglycerides, how it made her feel before-during-and-after, described it in her own strange words, and generally took note of everything she was told.

It was decided that Kellie would be hooked up to a proper monitor, so they could see her heart beat, rate, blood pressure, sats, respiration's - the whole medical shebang. A nurse came in and set it up, or, at least, attempted to... She put the stickers on Kellie, wired her up, but nothing. She went then got called out to a properly poorly patient.

Step in Super Dan.

I've done my fair share of setting up heart monitors and ECG machines. I know where the pads go. I also know - as apparently the nurse did NOT, that in order to get a reading, the sticky pads need to be connected to the patients skin.

NOT the patients work tee shirt.
And NOT the patients bra.

So, Super Dan removed and reattached the pads, and low and behold... Beep, Beep, Beep, Beep - one functional heart monitor.

Nursey came back in and noticed it was now working (I said I jiggled it!) and started doing Kellies Observations. Low and Behold - the Sats Monitor wasn't working. Out goes the nurse, in steps Super Dan and using the technical-know-how of "Unplug It, Count to Ten, Plug It Back In" the little red light came on JUST as the nurse walked in.

Kellies Sats seemed a little low to me - 95/96 or so, fluctuating up to 99... Hmmm.

And so, left alone, Kellie and I sit quietly. I watch the heart monitor (I don't know why, they are just mesmerising) and try to keep my mind occupied on the in the present, not the past when I used to watch other heart monitors...

I hate hospitals.

While watching, I notice a funny sort of blip on her heart trace. At the same time, Kellie says "Ooh there's another one, that felt weird..."

Proof! Something was there, and there was no one medical around to witness it. Cue the phone! Out comes the phone, and the camera, and Click! One photo.

I run out the cubical up to the doctor and show her the phone picture. "Oh wow, good catch!" she says, and borrows it. She goes off to show her boss, who in turn gets ahold of the Cardiac Registrar, and explains to him what Kellie is going through, and what I caught.

I go back to Kellie, feeling a little smug that someone has finally seen what she's going through. And proof it is. Over the next hour, she has many of the bastard things, usually a minute or two apart, some several minutes apart, some happening twice on the same trace.

Now, I didn't snap them ALL, but I did take some pictures. Hey, I was bored and trying to stay awake. But I got some of them!

The normal "little" peaks are Kellies "normal" heart beats, pumping away like a little, er, pump. The big peaks with the big drops - THEY are what are causing the problems. Every time it happened, Kellie felt it, felt a bit wonky, felt icky, sick, all the rest of it.

They are NOT right, and they are NOT normal.

These are just a few of them we saw. And yes, her heart rate is wonky to, ranging from 60 up to 90 in the space of minutes or even seconds.

After a while, our lovely doctor came back in. She had been talking with the Cardiology department, going through Kellies previous results, and checking the 6-day trace she had done. They decided that yes, there were these anomolies in that trace, but they were very few and far between.

NOW, they are happening on a regular basis, which means it has gotten worse and needs some sort of attending. The Doctor explained it is NOT Atrial Fibrillation (which is mainly for old people!), but a Ventricular Eptopic Heartbeat. Basically, her heart is beating in the wrong place, at the wrong time.

So, she has prescribed her Beta-Blockers which will regulate her heart beat. She now has answers as to what has been going wrong for so long. She has a longer-term plan of getting through it. Her Lipid doctor will also be referring her to the Cardiology Department to get another checking out.

Aside from the stress, the hassle, the shit, the grief and the worry of today, Kellie finally has answers as to what is wrong, and how to make it better. Reading up on it, it's not a great thing to have, it's not the best thing you can deal with, but it's treatable and managable, so it's not too difficult.

Now, I KNOW some of you have or deal with Eptopic Heartbeats, please feel free to mail me, Facebook me, Tweet me or contact me - ESPECIALLY if you have Ventricular Eptopic Heartbeats.

A VERY big thank you to those keeping my company via text, those that were sending their love (I didn't tell everyone, you didn't miss it) and a big thank you to James for rushing her up to A&E.

And apologies to the Asda worker that had to replace all my shopping that I threw into the corner when I ran out.

Passing Time #36

You have to clicky the next one to read it - the next time someone tells you how
dangerous sharks are, keep this in mind...

Musical Monday #156 - I Love It

Being that it's been "a while" since I did a Musical Monday post, I decided that today I would share what has been rattling around in my brain container since about 3am today.

As is usual for me, I had a crappy night of broken, disturbed sleep. I couldn't get into a deep sleep, the slightest noise (ie, the cats, the wife snoring, Molly fidgeting in her room, people passing outside, random noises & sounds, and anything else that my brain decided was a reason to nudge me awake) woke me up, and I just could not get comfy.

And every time I woke up, I realised I had this song playing in my head. Quite loudly on some occasions.

It's quite a cheesy pop song, but it's sort of like the smell of burnt bacon - it's everywhere, and you don't think much of it, but eventually it grows on you, you become accustomed to it, and then you think you quite like it.

Icona Pop - I Love It

On Gaming

If you know even a little about me, or have read 0ddness for any length of time, you will know that I am a bit of a Gamer. For the most part, I play online games, and if you fall into the afore-mentioned "Know Me A Little" category, you will know that I am an avid World of Warcraft (WoW) player.

Now, WoW is almost ten years old, and for the most part, I have been playing WoW the entire, time. I've had several months off here and there, mainly from suffering burnout or boredom, only to miss playing and to carry on going again.

I am currently going through one of those phases, and have been trying to find something else to play. Thankfully, I have a Steam account, and have started poking around on Twitch.tv to see what's what in the world of gaming.

Usually, I only have two or three games installed on my laptop - usually that's all that can hold my attention, or I stick with one (usually WoW) and play that constantly. Including WoW, I currently have NINE games installed, plus another four on my Steam account I own but haven't installed. Then there is Origin, which has another three games on it. I've not even looked at the free games available on there!

For me, that's unheard of.

The biggest problem is that I know what I like. So often, I will start an online game, and my first thought is "It's not WoW..." which I know is stupid, because if I am playing something else, it usually means I'm bored of WoW, which means I want something different...

I know, I never said I was normal.

So, I've been keeping an open mind, and trying other games, just to see what's what. Oh yes, and the other issue - I'm not wanting to part with cash for something that I will probably not like - so I've been going through Steam looking for the different Free-to-Play (F2P) games.

I know, I never said I was normal.

So, I decided that, for a change, I'd blog it, and review a few of the games I've been bashing around on. These are NOT exhaustive, I do NOT cover all aspects of the games, and as usual, these are my own opinions, and I'm not getting anything out of them. I know a few of you (assuming I still have readers) are gamers and looking for something different every now and then, so figured you might be interested.

I am also fully aware that none of these are "new" games, and that they have probably been reviewed to death elsewhere. But they are new to me. If that makes sense.

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Rift

Rift is one of the F2P games I've started with, and despite having several people tell me "Oh, I played that, it was awful" I've stuck with it. Especially as most people that have told me it was awful gave it about three nano-seconds of play time. I can't take peoples personal reviews seriously if they play one character/class, and only play for the first few levels.

So, I downloaded it (it's huuuuge by the way, you might be better off setting off the download/install/patch at bedtime) and gave it a whirl...

First off, it's quite similar to WoW - but then, I think a lot of MMORPG-type games are similar to one another, because A) The formula for WoW obviously works, and B) There are so many ways you can reinvent the wheel. The graphics are quite pretty - more realistic than WoW, but not up there with games like Guild Wars.

The game itself is very good - I've been playing on and off pretty much when I've had free time (aside from the fortnight I was sick as a dog) and am loving it. I've levelled one character up to 30-something, and another to the mid-teens. According to Steam, I've logged 60 hours of play time.

Because I enjoyed it, I threw a few quid at it too. It IS a free game, but you can buy credits to buy different things in the in-game store, but it isn't a Pay-to-Win game - they maintain that you don't need to pay ANYTHING and can still be as effective as someone that has thrown a metric shit-ton of money at the game. Credits can buy outfits, mounts, additional space, extra character slots - various things that don't really affect gameplay. I bought some credits to acknowledge that it's a good game, that I appreciate it's free, and because I "needed" a mount and more storage space.

Like most MMOs, it plays in the same sort of way... Go here, kill X of these, collect Y of that, talk to this fellow... Like I said, they aren't reinventing the wheel here.

My final point - and this is something that WoW seems to lack on occasion - is that the community is friendly, helpful and generally approachable. If you ask a question in WoW, for the most part you will get a hammering from the trolls that play. In Rift if you ask a question - and because I'm a newbie, it's likely a silly question - you actually get help and guidance. It's quite refreshing if I am honest.

The developers, Trion, keep the game updated, appear to be adding new content quite regularly, have a decent customer service presence, and regularly release patches, hotfixes and minor repairs if something goes pearshaped. They also release expansions every now and then.

And remember, this is a F2P game.. WoW is £8.99 a month, plus you have to buy the expansions when they are released - usually for something like £30.

All in all, if you are looking for an MMO but aren't sure what you want to play, I really do recommend trying Rift. But try it properly - don't give it an hour and then delete it. Play through, read the quests, explore, chat to people. It is well worth it I think.

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Neverwinter

I DO love me some Dungeons & Dragons. My real passion before Bethy died was playing D&D, but after losing her, I don't know, something inside me broke, and I found it hard to play and run games. Every now and then, I have a burst of creativity and think of scenarios and situations for games, or I think of an entire plot line or even a story of some kind which I start to write.

But then I lose interest for some reason and struggle to keep going on and on. I hate it with a burning hate, because I LOVE D&D, but don't think you can force something, because it then becomes a chore.

D&D computer games are quite good, but never quite manage it. I loved the Baulders Gate & Neverwinter Nights series of games, but Dungeons & Dragons Online (DDO) was a pretty naff game. So imagine my surprise when browsing Steam, I came across a game called Neverwinter - the name of a city in the Forgotten Realms setting of D&D with lots of history and back story.

I was very much "Ooooooh" when I saw it, even more so when I realised I was in the F2P section! A free D&D game. I had a check, made sure it was NOT a rebranded, renamed, rechurned-out version of DDO, and gave it a whirl.

Again, if you're going to install it, do it at bedtime - it takes a while.

Now, in as much as WoW and Rift are true MMOs where you run around a world and run into other players, Neverwinter seems slightly different in that a lot of areas you go to do quests seem to be just for you (and, I assume, your group if you have one).

It's also different in that the combat system is more hands-on. In WoW & Rift, you push buttons and hotkeys to do a multitude of different things. With Neverwinter, you have fewer abilities, but can move around, dodge, counter-attack and everything else. It makes quite a difference.

While the questing system is very similar - go here, kill this, collect that - it is a LOT more linear than "traditional" MMOs. Don't get me wrong, that's not always a bad thing, but with the previously mentioned games, you can go and wander off elsewhere, have an explore, see what's what, find a different quest hub or whatever. Neverwinter is more a case of going from A to B to C.

However, that said, it IS very D&D. While I was never that sort of Dungeon Master (my players always had free reign to get their heads splattered where-ever they wanted) a lot of D&D scenarios are very much A-to-B-to-C-to-win style.

I confess I've not played Neverwinter for a huge amount of time. Twelve hours racked up so far. And I've only played one character. I've not spent any money on it as yet, but like Rift, you can buy credits and buy other stuff - but I've not looked at any of that yet, so don't know if it's Pay-to-Win.

It is a very pretty game, and the different areas are excellently laid out. The combat system makes a nice change to the multitude of buttons you get in other games, and having to be more alert than you would in others is nice.

But. For me, that is an issue. There are days when I can't even do up my own shoe laces because I'm not sure what I'm doing.

Possibly one of the most interesting aspects of Neverwinter is the fact players can create their own adventures with a tool called The Foundry. Now, I've neither played nor created anything Foundry-based as yet, but talking to other players, it makes a huge difference to the game. If you're bored of A-to-B-to-C, you can enter a Foundry adventure. Effectively, it's a single-stand-alone adventure, sometimes with various parts to it, but it's a break from the norm that sounds very interesting.

Again, if you're looking for an MMO or similar game, it's worth a go. I intend to play more, but if you have concentration issues, then you DO need to be in the right frame of mind.

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Hearthstone

I confess I've been playing this one for a while, as I've been in the Closed Beta for it, but seeing as my blogging has been, shall we say, a little sporadic, I never really mentioned it.

Hearthstone IS a Warcraft related game, but is a complete break from the above games. Hearthstone is a card game in the WoW setting, but you do NOT need to be a WoW player to enjoy it.

If you've ever seen ANY form of Collectible Card Game (CCG), it's most likely going to have been Magic: The Gathering, Vampire:The Eternal Struggle/Jyhad, Pokemon, Yu-Gi-Oh or similar... I used to play Magic a LOT, I spent a f$ck-ton of money on it when I left college, and even now I have a few boxes of cards. Vampire wasn't bad, but Pokemon and Yu Gi Oh never interested me at all.

So Hearthstone is much like these games. You have a deck of cards, gain power, summon creatures, destroy your enemy... It's brilliant, really really fun. If you have a Battle.net account, I believe it's currently in Open Beta, which means anyone can sign up and play. I think.

Again, it's currently free (I don't know if it will remain free once released) but you can spent money on it by buying Booster Packs of cards, adding them to your starting collection, with a chance of getting rarer, more powerful cards. BUT you don't need to buy the cards.

You can play practise games to get used to it, against different difficulty levels of AI enemies, and you can play one-off games against other human players. Then there are the league/tournament games which is against players that have rebuilt their decks and optimised how they play.

Yes, I lost a lot.

If you like these sort of games, if you enjoy CCGs, it is a good laugh. Obviously, being that it's still in beta, there may be bugs and issues in it, and the final product may be slightly different - plus when the game is released, you will probably have your account reset. I don't know for sure, but you may well end up starting over on release day.

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I think for the time being, that will do. I'm also playing other games, but haven't played them enough to form any real opinion on them. Sims3 seems interesting but more like hard work - I played it before and it just seemed like work as opposed to a game. Path of Exile is fun, and very much like a Diablo3 type of game, but I've only sodded around on it for a while. Electronic Super Joy is an 8bit style platform game that is HUGELY frustrating, but has a brilliant techno-style soundtrack. Dragon Age Origins I got for Xmas, and have seen Kellie play it through a few times, so thought I would give it a whirl. Enjoying it quite a bit, but again, needs concentration.

Yesterday, I heard about one game from two different sources that kind of piqued my interest. One was the 0dd Sister. We were talking about Live Roleplaying, her memory recalled things about it because the 0dd Brother In Law had was playing League of Legends (LoL). An hour before that, I was on Twitch, and clicked a video in one category that was actually something different - a League of Legends game.

So, I took the hint, took the plunge, and dived in. I started the download (Huge, Bedtime, etc etc) and eventually got in. I've read several reviews, watched some videos, and have played through some of the tutorials...

It's classed as a "Multiplayer Online Battle Arena" or MOBA game (as opposed to "Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game" or MMORPG) and is apparently based off a Warcraft 3 mod called Defence of the Ancients (DOTA) from a few years ago, that appears to have spawned the whole genre of MOBA.

The reviews are all positive, and the game itself does seem very good from what I've played so far - but like I say, it's only the tutorials as yet. It does seem to have quite a steep learning curve, with a massive choice of things to do and to play, but I'm running through the tutorials more than once which helps. No doubt I will slap up another post about it at some point!

If you managed to read through this entire post - which has taken me ages to do thanks to a headache, feeling sick, and finding links for you to click - then well done. Clearly you're as much a nerd as I am!

Until next time.

Sweet (ish) Sixteen

In order for my wife to feel eeeever so old today, she had the rather dubious award of being the mother to a sixteen year old! Today, Dominic reaches that milestone where nothing very much changes, except "Congratulations, you didn't piss off anyone enough to be killed. Yet"

As we lay here, Kellie and I in bed, Dom is lounging across the bottom of the bed and like all cool, chilled, hip youngsters, he's wearing his mum's Cow-print Onesie.

Yes, he has his stepdads dress sense.

Now, I've only know Dom since the summer of 2008, when he had not long reached that other milestone of "Made it to ten without being killed" but even that seems like a million years ago.

He was at junior school, played Sunday football, wouldn't play out far from home, ate whatever he had dished up, and was useless at doing his chores.

Now at sixteen, he's at senior school, goes to the gym, doesn't often wander far from home, picks out vegetables from his dinner, and is even more useless at doing his chores.

If anything, he's backsliding in his old age!

I feel quite lucky to have seen him - and to help him - grow up into a slightly scatty young man with a brilliant sense of humour and several hobbies and interests on par with my own. Six years may not seem like long to know someone, but I've seen him grow, spent countless hours talking about interesting things, not so interesting things, complete and utter shit, and at the bottom of the scale, his social life.

But, he's growing up into a brilliant adult.

So happy birthday Dom :-D I hope you have a great day, and carry on enjoying everything that you choose to do in the future!