A Strange Day

Last night was a rather naff night.  For one, it was hot and humid.  For two, I've spent the last couple of nights with Kellie, so my normally large, cool, comfortable bed just seemed a wee bit... Empty.

On top of this, my mind was wandering to icky, unpleasant places, namely, Guys Hospital.  All I could think of was Bethy and her last days.  Every time I closed my eyes, I could see her and all the ickiness involved.

I was drifting in and out of sleep all night - strange dreams and nightmares but I think I was mostly awake, plus things were different, wrong... The people around at the time, the layouts of the rooms and everything else - it was the same but different, if that makes sense.

I think the last time I looked at the clock it was pushing 5am, and somehow, I managed to turn off my 0615 and my 0645 alarms.  Luckily, my panic button, Ruth, called and woke me up.  Did the morning school run, and went with her to see her youngest at sports day...

Nice to see the world is still as mental as ever - Sports Day once again had no winners of losers, and this year it seemed worse than before... The "track" they were running on was twenty... Maybe thirty feet long.  The kids were in teams of 8-10 so it was run, then sit and wait for all those in front of you to run.  And when I say "sit" I don't mean "pop your bum on the school field" no no, the kids were provided chairs to sit on.

One of the teachers then went into detail about how last year in the Parents Race, they let the kids run with the adults - one of the dads fell down and hurt his kid.  Not sure if it was "hurt" in as much as a bumped wee one, or if it was a "hurt" in the bad way.  So, with this in mind, the parents race - Adult and Kid.

There was no "well done" ceremony.  No winners, no losers, no certificates or anything.  Even though the kids were split into five teams, no team excelled or was congratulated.  The teachers seemed pretty much "So, what event do you want to do now?" and couldn't be arsed.

Highly Amusing...

Anyways, me bitching about all that actually cheered me up some, and after, I went back to Ruths for a coffee till she had to go out.  Once home, I couldn't get motivated, so sat listening to loud music, while kinda sorta doing housework.  I nodded off in my chair but forced myself back up or I know I'd not sleep tonight.

Did the afternoon school run, had another coffee at Ruths, came home and set up a freeview box on the telly - Jo and Steve had it knocking around, and as my Sky TV died, and I ditched Telewest, I've had no telly in the house.  Fine for me, but the kids we're best pleased ;)  Bad Daddy!  Anyways, they have TV to watch once again so that's something.

And now, I decided to clear my head a bit and blog myself out.  Obviously, I've done quite a lot of quizzey thingies - I tag all of you to do them if you're bored.  My head is back in a good place, and Kellie is here tomorrow...  As is a man about the fence - the same one that went over LAST spring.  Finally, they are going to "assess" what needs doing...

Helloooo.... I need five new fence panels, three new posts, all six feet wide and seven feet tall.  Just like the last THREE guys have said.

Amazing what snotty letters can do ;)

A Mixed Bag o' Stuff

Today has been... erm... a little bit up and down, really. I'm not sure about the rest of the world out there, but over here, it was Fathers Day. Now, I think I might have touched on it before, but it's really not a day I associate with good times. Firstly, I don't need a day for my kids to tell me they love me, that I'm great or anything else - it's like an annual review... If I were a bad daddy, would I have been fired today? Would I have been put on probation and demoted (to mummy....!)

Anyway, without going into all the detail - those who know, know - my main reason for not liking Fathers Day is the fact that it is made abundantly clear that I am missing one.

Despite having been up on cloud nine for the last couple of weeks, today loomed, and marched inorexibly forwards till I woke up this morning and thought the most profound of thoughts.

"Arse"

So, with Ruth having her family down, I called her to make sure she was up and at 'em. Then I rolled out of bed, sorted myself out, threw on some clothes, and left the house. I only had one place on my mind. Bethany's Garden.

I walked there which in itself is a fair walk, but I NEEDED to do it. I've been thinking about it of late, and since the split knew I would have to go there. For ME, before anyone asks. So, I didn't tell anyone because I knew people would say things like "Good luck" and "You can do it" and other messages that would make me NOT want to go. I didn't plan it, simply because if I knew I was going on Day X at Time Y, I wouldn't go.

I even turned my phones off.

Walking there with my music, no problem. Lovely day, all was good. Got up there and went straight to her garden, where I knelt and felt sad but wasn't crying. Thanks to the rather mental weather, the grass up there has had a mental spurt and was growing through, so I pulled up a load of grass, emptied some dead flowers out and stood up little toys that had been knocked over. I sat up there for a little while, talking softly to her, before heading out.

And that is when I lost it. Not the going. Not the seeing. Not the talking to. But turning away from her and walking from where she is. Just like the day I lost her. I didn't hide my tears - I wasn't going to make excuses to anyone for them, and got to the gates, where I called Jo to let her know where I was. We had a little chat, and she told me her plans to redo it in the coming weeks.

I finished chatting to Jo and felt a bit more with it, and sent a couple of messages off to Kellie - she was out with her extended family-that-isn't-but-none-the-less having a party, so I didn't call her. Then I noticed the texts received, missed calls and voice mail alerts.

Turns out just after I left the house, Ruth tried to call - I was supposed to take my big pan to her as she was feeding the five thousand, but had forgotten and was out. Of course, Dan not answering one of his three phones, not responding to text nor voice mail, and, as far as the world knew, still at home.

Yeah, you can see where this is going.

So I panicked Ruth, who in turn woke up Cel (who has a key for dog-purposes) as Silent Dan is pretty much unheard of. So I had to speak to her and apologise for being incommunicado. Panic over, though it did make me smile a little. Especially as I knew the main bolt was on my front door, so Cel's key would have done precisely nothing - well, aside from make the girls actually urinate in their undies.

On the way home - walking, still - I had a few texts from Kellie which made me smile and cheered me up a bit more. By the time I got in, I was pretty much OK, just a bit sad still. Sad is better than batshit mental ;)

I grabbed some food and headed to Ruth with my pan, having someone tell me en route that I "looked like a bit of a mental" to which I replied "No, it's OK, I'm just a pot dealer" and wiggled my very large saucepan at him. Got to Ruth, sat down for a coffee and her tribe arrived. Then they left and I quickly mowed her lawn (which, I should add, had also gone f'king mental from this weather!) which I did a stunning job of. Then we had a chat and I went back home.

Once home, I sat and watched the last of House, Season Three (Oh, and thanks to the writer to include a little blonde girl that needs heart surgery, suffers a stroke, and her fav. toy is her stuffed bunny), while drinking coffee and chilling out. Oh, and hearing from Kellie on how her day was going - short description might be "mad house". Then, early evening, the boy came home and we chilled out together for a while, sharing weekend stories as we do, till he had a shower and went to bed. Well, just before he went to bed, Lane turned up to see how I was doing. She started trying to go depressive on me, so I beat her up a bit and kicked her out of the house. With Sally not sure if she should be attacking me or attacking the stalker... So she covered both bases before Lane drove off.

And finally, after all day of both of us being all over the place, I finally managed to get Kellie on the phone, and we sat and talked, and grinned, and giggled and sat quietly... Ahhh shuddup ;) It was my longest phone call since... erm... wow, ever I think! Just over two hours we talked. Can you tell I miss her.

Rhetorical question ;)

After that, I fiddled around on Plurk for a while - if you don't use it, learn, because it's great. And then, while laying here trying to sleep, I decided I needed to blog.

So, as you can see, as is usual for Chéz 0ddness, it's been a bit of a strange day really. I think I covered a good range of emotions! But even with ALL that, with everything going on - I'm still off the meds!

And in other news, as a side note, a PS or addendum... I've added a couple of new blogs to the side bar you should go read!

Geek Mama: Does as it says on the tin. She's a mummy... That's a geek.

OK, erm... *blush* the other two appear to have NOT saved - so I will add them to this list in the morning! Oopsie... I'm tired, sue me! Otherwise, I am feeling good once again. Really good. Me and Kellie have spoken about a lot of stuff that I've had in my little "Bag of Stuff", but she accepts I'm a bit of a mixed bag, and is quite happy with that. I know there are times I can be a bit... or, rather, a lot... Dan. I'm not what I would consider a normal, stable person, but she seems to like me for me, which is the most important part. Thankfully, we agree this is me:


Thank you Mr Shrek, for describing me perfectly ;)

A Bethy Moment

With everything going on of late, I've not really spoken about Bethy. A few new people in my life have asked about her, and I've pointed them in this direction. Obviously I still miss the little madam something crazy, but I don't sit and cry all the time.

Another sure sign coming OFF the meds is working out for me.

However, yesterday... You knew there was a but coming, didn't you!

While Jo and Steve were here collecting some more of her stuff, Jo came down with Bethy's doctor coat that was in the cupboard in the bedroom:


We both looked at it and smiled, I said she could take it back to hers with her, and that was that. Spent a little while thinking about her, but then soon carried on with my day.

About an hour later, Jo sent me a message saying that she was fine with the coat, but obviously Bethy had eaten while in it, and she found some food marks on it - and THAT is what set her off. So Jo was texting me in tears, which set me off. Not sob-sob, just a quiet little cry.

Within 30 seconds, my music shifted to the next track on my playlist, and off ALL the tracks on my computer - nearly 3000 - it happened to be Evanescence - My Immortal. Bethy's funeral song.



THEN I was sobbing like a baby. It doesn't help that I am tired, run down, and the weather yesterday was shite but not long after I had a cry, the sun came out, and I felt better again. Ruth called, asked what was up, and I ended up going over there for a late lunch before the school run.

It was almost like my little lady was up there looking down getting my attention. And now, blogging about it, I feel fine - a little sad, maybe - but otherwise OK.

Hope you're having fun up there my gorgeous.
x

Another Step Taken

It has to be said, there is never a dull moment in my life. As mentioned in a post a few days back I received some news that my brain simply could not handle very well, and I ended up being sick for most of the evening into the wee small hours.

In short, Jo let me know that her fella, Steve, proposed to her on Monday evening.

As ever, there is more underlying here that I am revealing, so please, no bees in bonnets sil vous plait.

So, aside from the stomach churning shock that it induced, I woke up the next morning and found that, surprisingly, I wasn't worrying, dwelling or thinking about it. When I DID think about it, I wasn't sad, upset, lonely, or anything else. There was no heartache or anything. Regret, maybe, but nothing else. I know Steve and have done for a while, and he is a genuinely nice guy. The kids love him and he gets on with the kids. We get on well too, which is something. He knows about the relationship me and Jo had, and more importantly, the relationship we still have and respects that. As far as Step-Dads for my kids go, he gets my seal of approval ;)

So, go me for not having another breakdown, and while I'm not sure if she will even read this, congratulations to Jo and Steve. I'm glad you're both happy.

I Got A Lurgy

As I alluded to in my previous, I am poorly. Sunday night I noticed I had a bit of a scratchy throat (which is usually the first sign of an incoming yuck) and Monday morning, it was still there, with his friend, Mr Snotty Nose.

Of course, the weather report lulled me into a false sense of security with terms like "Extremely high pollen count" being bandied around. So I crossed my bits and hoped for that. Over the next couple of days, my energy levels crapped out, my aches and pains took over and I felt icker and icker.

I don't like feeling Ick.

While in town shopping today, I was struggling to walk, to keep up with Ruth (which is saying something...) and just wanted to sit. I even paid cash-money for flu meds which did sweet F-A. We got back to Ruths and I was sweating, freezing cold and felt crap. Ruth offered to get Jaysen, and when Jo said what time she'd be bringing Tam over, I called her, coughed in her general direction, and asked pretty please if she could keep her for a bit longer, which she was fine with and also offered to get Jaysen so I can just sleep.

Jaysen got in from school, and I flaked out on the sofa - he woke me up when Jo arrived to get him, and I flopped back on the sofa and watched the two movies to keep focused otherwise I'd not sleep tonight.

So, here I am sorting crap out before bed, waiting for the handful of meds to kick in and send me to La La Land for a few hours.

Dan is poorly. I tried to push through, but I had to throw in the towel. I just feel like a bit of a failure to be honest - having to rely on Jo to have the kids because I am poorly, yet the other single parents can deal with it without assistance. Next time I'll try better ;)

Now if you will excuse me, my head is ready to pop, my everything is hurting, and I need another drink. Yes yes, keep hydrated and all that.

Nighty night.

(No) Musical Monday

So, once again, I'm late with my Musical Monday post. However, I've gotten in this evening, and with so much going on in my head, I am actually copping out. I hold my hands up and say "I gots nuffin guv"

This weekend, I shifted the kids off to Jo and headed over to Ruths. Her fella was down, and needed help lugging a bloody great rather heavy television, as well as having his computer looked at. TV, not an issue, we got it in and spent an hour fiddling with connections. However, the banana head managed to forget his hard drive... Ho hum.

Saturday I cleaned, then Kellie came over before we both jumped on a bus and headed back to our old stomping ground. She used to live next door to me, and we have plenty of memories of accident, injury, falling off/over/through things, so we decided to go back home, stopping at my mums for a coffee.

Was great to look at the places we used to terrorise, and marvelled at how similar but different it was, how walls and trees we used to climb just seemed dinky now, and how the walk to the local shop and then the school was a few minutes - I'm sure they used to be miles from home.

Then we headed over through the old Laindon Shopping Center. Wow... It used to be a concrete and depressing stand of shops - now it's a concrete and really depressing stand of boarded up shops. Headed over to Gemma and Petes to see Zoe and Amy. Ooooh broody. Zoe is lovely, Amy stole all my money, but I got a beer out of it, so you know, fair trade off ;)

I would detail what happened after leaving Gemmas, but I promised my guest that I'd not mention her weak bladder or her doing the "Don't Pee Myself" dance. Suffice to say, after not seeing Gemma for the better part of fifteen years, Gemma saw Kellie twice in one day.

Then it was back to mine, grab my stuff and head over to Kellies. Bus ride, walk, collected her kids, ordered chinese food (Yes, I'm a lardy) and then spent the evening drinking and watching comedy telly, and one of the Jackass movies. Oooh how we chuckled. Well, I chuckled, she chuckled and gagged.

Sunday we nearly got lost wandering to her sons football practice, then wandered home where she sorted out a roast dinner. Yummy. Did I mention I'm a lardy? Then it was a few more drinks before I had to head home in time to have the Boy returned to me.

After an early night - and waking up with a snotty nose and sore throat... I headed over to see Jo's new place. Oooh it's purdy. While wandering lost on an estate I should know, I gained a stalker. Now, aside from the fact I should be used to stalkers (as, let's face it, I have a few of them!) I was completely unfazed while people I've told today have said they would be scared...


He literally popped out of a bush next to me as I walked through the estate, and followed me from ten - maybe fifteen feet - for about twenty minutes. People kept stopping and staring at me as though I was The Crazy Fox Man or something. Even after coming out of Jo's place, he was there and around for a few more minutes before heading off into a bush where I assume he had a nap.

After having lunch with Jo and Tam, I headed back to Ruths, then school run, then back to Ruths for dinner until finally, being knackered and feeling a bit icky, I headed home. I think the plan for this evening is to throw the boy in the washing machine, get the tiny bit of washing up washed, then have a shower and maybe an early night.

How was your weekend :D

It's Busy Bunny Me!

Fair to say there has not been much in the way of actual, bona fide content here on the blog for the past week... Or two.. ish. Also, it would be fair to say that I've been pretty much out of the loop in regards to keeping the world up to date on my mental health (or lack of), my physical health (or lack of), nor my normal, averagely boring day-to-day crap.

The reasoning behind all this is because I've been so fricking busy. Or, as Cassandra would say, "Oot an' Aboot" Or something similar - I usually screw up the spelling, but I am sure she'll throw something at me from the States ;)

For those that enjoy reading doom, gloom and suffering, then this post may well be something you won't enjoy reading. See, despite everything that has gone on over the last couple of months, I am doing good.

No, scratch that. I am rocking, kicking ass, winning, smiling, grinning... Dare I say it, but life is... Good. And I can't even thank blame my Happy Brain Medicine because I am sloooowly weaning myself off it. Granted, I'm not actually OFF it yet, and where as missing a dose a few months ago would see me twitching and zapping like the energiser bunny shorting out, I am now going three days between doses. Three! It's going to take time I think, and I'm dealing with some very interesting side effects by the end of day three, but I'm manly, I can cope ;)

I've been busy as a box of frogs trying to escape their prison. Mainly, I've been helping Ruth with various stuff - not that she's been slave-driving me. I had to say that. I can't deal with her moaning at me again. I offer to help with her garden, kitchen, shopping or whatever. Of course, on top of that, I've also had to deal with my personal favourite pass-time... The Rumourmill.

I know I've said it before, but people, here's a little peek into my head. Ruth has been a friend for many years. No, we're not doing the horizontal mumbo. No, we're not secretly a couple. No, I'm not using her to look after me, and No no no, she is not using me to help her out. Yes, she is a girl. Yes, I am a boy. When I say "I am going to have dinner at Ruths", that doesn't mean "I'm going to shag". It may have escaped the attention of a few persons, but pretty much ALL my friends are girlies. It just happens that Ruth lives *over there*. Next time the Web Cam is on, picture the scene - the Blood Red House of Death - his back garden pretty much joins onto Ruths back garden.

I'm not naming names, pointing at culprits or anything like that. But next time you ask, I will tell you what you want to hear, and then mock you when it comes back and bites your bum.

Anyways.

Last weekend saw me travelling to what I considered to be a local warzone of dodgy people. I freely admit I was wrong. If there is a war there, it's all completely hidden from the average passer-by (me). A few months back, I managed to find an oooold friend on Facebook. Or vice versa. I forget which, but still. When my Mum and StepDad moved us into Blackmores, (Oooh can see my garden and mums car!) the family next door had a daughter, Kellie, the same age as me. Kellie, Jay and Myself were the oldest of the pack of youngsters that travelled the local area, and we grew up together till she moved away in her mid-teens. We carried on seeing each other till our late teens, then slowly scattered to the winds.

Now, nearly 15 years later, we started chatting again and catching up. I was there Saturday afternoon till Sunday afternoon, talking till 4am, and then carrying on after a few hours sleep. Bringing one another up to speed on our lives, drinking beer, coffee, Jack Daniels, and most amusingly, chatting about the crap we used to get up to.

After comparing notes, I stand by my previous comment of "I'm amazed I'm not dead"

The very very strange thing though... I was wandering through town heading to the bus station, quite happily listening to my headphones to block out the "You effin' wanker, bitch moan piss come-and-have-a-go" Chavtastic shouting, when someone leapt from the shadows. On my way to see an old friend I've not seen for nearly 15 years, I am attacked by an old friend I've not seen for 15 years. Cassie always was mental, and still is. And yes, she reads this, and I would like to see her deny it ;)

Another topic of conversation over the weekend with Kellie, was the possibility of getting the old crowd back together. Over the last couple of months, I think I have found pretty much everyone that I used to terrorise the neighbourhood with. And I think it'd be a bloody laugh to all head out somewhere with our own kids and have a massive BBQ session or something. See how much trouble we can get into, and see how the kids compare!

Sort of a "We Made It!" celebration... I'm sure we can arrange something amusing...

When I am actually home, I am clearing up the chaos left by Jaysen, Tam or even yours truly. I blame the animals ;) I can't remember the last time I actually cooked in my own home, but you know, that's neither here nor there ;)

Since getting back onto Facebook, I've reduced the amount of Outgoing Pokage that I was dishing out, but it's still there. I even gained a few friends from the Save The Dan group! hehe I've also become rather, shall we say, addicted, to Twitter. If you have a mobile phone or live at your computer (or, in some peoples cases, both), then have a peek.

As for being a Singleton, I am completely at peace with whatever power it is that has decreed I should live as such. I talk to Jo every day or two, see her every now and then, and there is no weirdness, no tension... As I've said before, we are and pretty much always will be friends. Even with everything "behind the scenes" as it were, things aren't strained. I've said before, I saw it coming, I knew it would happen eventually, and so we're making the best of it as we can. The kids are quite happy with everything, and the "schedule" we've fallen into seems to be working pretty well. I have Jaysen Sunday evening till Wednesday when Tam turns up. Then it's me and the kids till Friday evening, when Jo comes gets the pair of them, and returns Jaysen Sunday evening.

Of course, we're both flexible - last week, Jo had a rough time with various stuff, so I kidnapped Tam back so Jo could have some quiet time. This weekend, Jo is off to see Patch for his 50th birthday. I was invited too, but don't think I'm quite ready for socialising in that aspect ;) This means I get the kids for the weekend too which is a bargain - usually it's during school time, but with the weekend we can go do whatever the hell we like! I think the lakes are in order... Followed by home and showers for those that happen to fall in.

Saying no names, of course. I can neither confirm nor deny I may or may not be slightly clumsier than the average owner of two left feet with no sense of balance...

I think my mood has been helped by the sheer volume of sunlight that is currently battering the house and surrounding area. Sun is good. Well, aside for my face which has erupted in spots. Acne keeps you looking younger I suppose... Of course, you would think that being in England the weather sucks in comparison to, say, Australia... Ho Ho. I present to the court, an Australian, bitching and moaning about their crappy weather.

Our news report tonight promised rain and 18 & 19 degrees C for the rest of the week, yay us!! That means that there is a more than 99.99% chance that I am going to get wet doing the pick up and drop offs for school this week!

Poor Mel. She's cold, she's getting soaked, and it's making a certain feature of hers even worse. I won't mention it, though I DO have photographic proof...

So, aside from all that, I think what has helped me more than pretty much ANYTHING has been my friends. From those here that have to listen to me moan in person, those I've found once again, those that I catch occasionally on MSN, pester by mail or prod on Facebook - You've made me see what is what and pull me through this.

People keep saying to me "Holy crap, I can't believe how well you're doing" but it's not me. I've had help. So to everyone, thank you.

Even to random people that arrive on the doorstep, linger for AGES, and only leave when I point out they got a ticket on their car fifteen minutes ago... Yes, it's the simple things that keep me ticking over.

So, with stuff still to be done, I'm going to set about to using the funky "Schedule Publishing" feature. It's currently half seven, still sunny, and I'm blaring out music. Let's set posting for... hmmm... 11pm..

Why?

Why not.

It's All Go

I'm not sure what it is, but the last five or six days have been manic. Well, manic in some aspects, lazy in others but none the less, it's all caught up with me this afternoon.

I spent the day out with Ruth and Alyce - harassing the wildlife that inhabits the local post office, being unruly on the bus, and embarassing the masses around the town centre. Like any wandering butt-head, I needed a recharge, and it was more Chinese food at a local buffet that was in order.

Seriously, yum.

Then it was back to walking up and down the length, breadth and depth of town, Asda and then finally home. THEN it was the school run, then back to Ruths, then home where I collapsed and set about running around the Government.

See - when the pooey stuff hit the fan at the start of March, I called all the departments and set about sorting stuff out for me. Well, one department "lost" my claim, so I've had to kick them in the butt. The second department asked for evidence of me having a child - which would have been the completed claim from the first department. So I called them, and instead they want Jaysens Birth Certificate, and brownie points for his Passport. Done and done.

Then a third department are now after me because I have left someone else to raise my child. Eh? Yes folks, the Child Support Agency who are now MANDATORY for all new claims... So I called them, and the woman was as bemused as me. See, I have to fill out the claim and file a counter claim which means the government will over see me paying Jo £5 a week towards Tam, and Jo will pay ME £5 per week towards Jaysen. All that paperwork, man hours, filing, inputting...

Just so me and Jo can swap a fiver a week...

I know, I know, it's all crap, but there's not a lot we can do about it.

Moving on, after being so busy the last few days, I am paying for it today. I woke up and felt a bit achey and headachey, and rapidly went downhill from there. By about midday I was hurting, and once I got it, well, sod anything that resembles movement. Plus, on top of it, I'm so not with it, I decided that crashing my head into a low ceiling at Ruths was just what I needed, jarred my neck, spanked the skull, clattered my teeth...

So, now it's a big cuppa, pain killers, feet up and... NOTHING.

Stupid body.

Hiding Out

While Monday was "ok" here - as you could prolly tell from the blog being busy - I was keeping busy for my own reasons. That reason was mostly Tuesday.

Tuesday was Jo's birthday, and my head was all over the place. Now, most people couldn't understand why my head was in such a mess, but it wasn't just that it was her birthday, it was also the fact that it was the anniversary of the day I proposed to her many years ago.

It hurt to think that I'd gone from being happily engaged, to being a single parent. It was just another of those "dates" that stuck in my head.

On top of this, I didn't know what - if anything - I should have done. Should I have gotten a gift, a card? As it was, I didn't do either - I wished her happy birthday by text, and it killed me to do so. Jo's parents got the kids stuff to give her from them, and I remained hiding out.

As you know, I was out Friday night. I was out Saturday daytime too. Then I spent all day Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday hiding out with Ruth. She's been looking after me, cooking my dinner and generally letting me rant and mope as much as I needed. I've helped her with her shopping, I've done a bit of babysitting for her (yesterday for 90 mins, today for a few hours) so she can sort various stuff out...

But, for the most part, I've been at hers almost the whole week.

I think today is the longest I've been here since Friday. And on the plus side, the two terrors are home today as well. Jo is out over the weekend, so I've got them for a couple of extra days, and thankfully (finally!) Jaysen is back at school on Monday. Part of me thinks this break has whizzed by, and the other part thinks "OMG come ON!"

So, hopefully with my head being back on track (again... again...) I will be a little more productive. The house is tidy which is something, but there's still lots needing doing. I've gone from being busy has hell to bored out of my skull.

Lemmie find that happy medium, and I will be sorted!

On top of being out, being busy/bored, I've been suffering from Insomnia from Hell. I'm talking "Bed At Midnight" and being awake till the wee small hours. My brain needs a mute button. Or just an off switch.

And having spent a couple of days off the meds, I'm zapping like a bitch too!

In The Dark

Another day has drawn to a close - well, another week, finally.

I'm sitting at my computer, a little tired as I had a crap night, but surprisingly I feel a bit... good? I can't really explain it, but I've felt fairly good all day - positive, focused, thinking forwards and, more importantly, thinking straight.

I think the reasoning is simple. No matter how bad something is, it could always be worse. I've always always maintained that, and here I am once again living proof of it. I'm still friends with Jo which is important to me. The kids are understanding and more importantly, Jaysen seems relatively unaffected. Jo is happy, which is always a plus in my book, and, like I said, I have plans and am plotting my rise.

Now, I am not for one nano-second thinking I am "over it" by any means, but if I can sit here and realise I am feeling pretty damn good, then so much the better.

A part of it is the blog, as I tend to keep to myself (much to the chagrin of friends and family) this place is my outlet. THIS is where I rant and rave, this is where I talk about all the shit hitting the proverbial fan. You guys are my ear. I can sit here and rattle off all sorts of reasons why I am up, down, busy, tired, hurting, and I know if anyone can help they will offer.

If I tried to talk like this in person, I'd be all over the place.

Of course, the biggest reason I think I am feeling positive today and this evening is my friends. I've had emails, and texts, and voice mail messages (still not up to talking thanks!) and all sorts to say "Hang in there, you can do it" and once again, I have. I've had offers of a place to hide out literally the length and breadth of the country, from the south, to the west, the east and way north. I've even had a couple of offers of visiting the States and staying with friends over there. I've had invites for a day or two, a long weekend, as long as I want... It's pretty amazing.

The last couple of days I've felt a bit more "normal" which, as you know in this house, isn't much of a judge. "Normal" is very flexible in Chez 0ddness. But I've felt more like me. Yes, I am still hurting, and yes I miss Jo like it's going out of fashion. But I am coping, dealing and even feeling a bit more like the piss-taker I was.

I've even made new friends! Go me! If you're on Facebook, join Human Pets - it's a giggle and you do get chatting with people.

Still, I stand by what I've said since this all started; the very last thing I am looking for is a replacement, a girlfriend, or anything of the sort. I think that's something that will come with time, patience and a heck of a lot of personal growth. For now, I need friends and people to take the piss when I am mean to them.

Not that most of you need telling twice, of course ;)

Another Day

Yesterday was, for all intents and purposes, a shit day. I make no bones about it, but it was a bad day. I think it was partly or even mostly due to it being a week.

A week of being single.

I was tired, I was fed up, I was lonely, and despite people trying to help cheer me up, I was more worried about bringing them down too. I've got stuff I could have been doing, but I just didn't want to. I didn't care if it got done or not, and yesterday was the first day I looked around and thought "Balls to it"

I didn't do anything except fold a bit more of the laundry.

This morning, however, I woke up a bit cheerier, a bit more positive, and have been on the go since 7am. I washed up, tidied up, folded, brought down laundry and was on the go till 0820 when we left.

Jaysen is hobbling on a dodgy knee at the moment - not sure what he's done, but he's suffering, so slow walk to school and I spoke to the office and told them he has to take it easy. If it carries on, I'll have to get him to the doc.

Then I went into town, looked at paint and wallpaper samples, met Gemma, wandered around the park while Amy did her best to escape, then met up with Ruth and helped with her shopping, got her home, unpacked it and I came home with my feet up, only to have to go out on school run again in half an hour.

I've chatted to Jo again today about, well, whatever - just nothing really, making conversation, and I think that is something that makes me feel lighter. I didn't talk to her yesterday and had a bad day, spoken to her today, had a good day. I think it's because I know she's OK and happy and getting on with things that helps me focus myself, where as yesterday I was playing the what-if game, the if-only game and my own personal fav, the why-me game.

So, baby steps. I'm moving forwards very slowly, and that's all I can do.

Backsliding

Both kids are here now, and I've just made them dinner. I've been intentionally keeping busy this afternoon as I've felt myself sliding backwards. I've got so much to do, but I just want to pack it in, curl up and vanish.

Because I want her back.

I'm trying to concentrate on everything else, chatting and playing with the kids, clearing up and sorting stuff out, but my mind is on Jo and what I could or should be doing to get her back, even though I know it'll never happen. On top of that, I've been remembering, thinking back over our time together, from first dates, things we've seen and done...

I'm a shell. Outside I am Dan, trying to hold it all together. Inside I am screaming and lost.

I'm sure I'm stuck in a nightmare, a drug-induced hallucination, that I will wake up and she'll be there smiling and arms open to me, but I know she's gone. And I feel useless. I feel lost without her. I am missing the biggest part of my life, and don't know what I can do to move on, to repair it or anything.

I'm holding myself together for the kids at the moment. I just find the later in the day I get to, I want to just break down. I'll prolly be OK in a while, but for now, I am sitting, writing, and lonely, even with friends just a phone call away.

I want Jo. That is all.

Uphill

After this mornings deep sink-hole of emotion, I pulled myself up, out and back together. I phone Jo and had a chat again and was one again fine. We talked and chatted and she said that she's going to call the Benefits Agency, and would let me know what happens.

Time passes, I potter around (because I'm still kinda walking around in a daze, or, as I said to someone earlier, like my head is up my arse) and Jo calls back after about half an hour. She called them up, spoke to them and all was very helpful. She will be getting money in a week or two, and added to this, they said they would advise the other agencies to call her and sort her claim.

So I take the number and call. Speak to a guy who, while helpful, didn't actually do anything for me. No no, for some reason, they can't sort any of my claims out. So I get given - get this - EIGHT phone numbers. For three different benefits.

I call, and get transferred. I call and speak to someone that can do nothing. I call and get given another. I get called and told the person I need isn't in, try this... And on and on. I must have been on and off the phone for nearly two hours. I drained both handsets flat.

I managed to sort ONE of the three out. One. Another is sending me a new claim form. Another is sorting it but sending me some paper to sign, so that's half-but-not-completely sorted.

So then I decide to call the housing people and let them know what the plan is. The same people that told us they'd take one of us off once we knew what was happen. Ho ho, not so lucky. Legal this, jargon that. I write a letter, she writes a letter, they "process" them, they draw up a legal document, we go to their office to sign said-document, then once it's approved (!!) Jo is taken off and no longer bound.

So I decide finally to call the bank. "Please remove Miss Baylis from this joint account" because all the bills and suchlike I am keeping on are paid from that account, and all my money is paid into the account. Easy Peasy. Pffft. Letter this, form that, attend in person...

Seriously, I am so glad we're still the best of friends here because can you imagine trying to do this when you hate one another?!

GAH.

Anyway. Things are moving, we're sorting out as much as we can. I spent the afternoon in town with Ruth, not because I needed anything, but I needed to get out and be busy. We had a coffee, did her shopping, came home, got Jaysen, and now here I am. Jaysen has done his homework, and we're planning on a picnic dinner for this evening.

As for the weekend, Jo is over tomorrow in the morning and we're going to sit and sort out the bills - who's is what's and blah blah blah. Also in theory, Jaysen will be going back with Jo, and Tam will be staying with me. Of course, if Tam doesn't want to see me - not letting her dictate or anything, and I won't take it personally, but it's likely she will want her mummy.

Otherwise, we're looking at options for getting Jo her place, and I am hoping we can do that as soon as possible. There's not a huge amount left to do - not really - but there's not a lot more progress to be made till she has a place sorted and we can do the "Yours, Mine, Yours, No YOURS" and so on...

Now, me and the boy are taking the dog for a walk. Busy busy busy!

Love

People are so nice, offering words of wisdom, support and anything else I might need.

Me and Jaysen got up this morning, sorted him out, sorted me out - showered, hair washed, a shave - and got sorted. Weather was crap and we got soaked. People are offering me that "I Don't Know What To Say" smile, and others are offering words of support.

I come home and pack some more clothes for Jo. I've been doing laundry like a fiend and she has plenty again. Cel ran them around to her.

Backtracking a bit; I was on the phone to Jo from 5am this morning, just talking, doing the apologies and everything else. I held it together mostly, but still cried. She cried too which I hated because I feel indirectly to blame.

And people are being so nice, and so many are offering support and words of wisdom and some of them are killing me. So many people are shocked by the suddenness of it, they are asking if we're doing the right thing. I can't answer that. I wish I could. My answer would be no, we aren't, that I still love her and I wished that there was something inside her that loved me like she did, just something I can use to build on.

I came in from the school run, Cel took Jo's clothes, and Lane is popping in to grab some of her bits that Jo had borrowed. Then I am off to town with Ruth. I don't need anything, just to get out.

But I am pushing and fighting my way forwards, but don't feel like I am getting anywhere. It's been two and a half days and I miss her so much. She's made her decision and I hope it's the right one, but she says she doesn't love me that way. I can't do anything about that. I want to fight and kick and scream for everything we've had, everything we've got and everything that could have been, but I can't fight for something that doesn't exist, can I?

I'm bumping around the house, going from one thing to another, but not finishing any one job. I picked up the stuff in the lounge, but then took the crockery down, started washing up, then started folding laundry... I've been told to write a list of things that need doing - I know what I need to be doing, I just can't get around to doing it.

I want to shake Jo by the shoulders, shout at her to change her mind, to love me like she did, to make our family whole again. Everything broken can be fixed can't it? She says it's been like it for a long time, but says she stuck through it to see if she could make it better.

Jo, I know it won't make a difference, and I've told you a million times since I've been with you, I love you so much. You are the biggest part of my life, and with you gone, I miss you. God I miss you so much. I want to hold on to you like we used to, to go out and be silly, to just sit with one another. I wish we could work through all this, but your heart doesn't want that.

I'll always love you, and I know you know that. If there is something I can do to fix this, name it. If there is something I can change, I will change it. Just know I miss you and still love you with everything I have.

I love you.
Dan

I know I posted this song just a few weeks ago, but it is the only song in my head at the moment.

I've been here before a few times
And I'm quite aware we're dying
And your hands they shake with goodbyes
And I'll take you back if you'd have me
So here I am I'm trying
So here I am are you ready

Come on let me hold you touch you feel you
Always
Kiss you taste you all night
Always

And I'll miss your laugh your smile
I'll admit I'm wrong if you'd tell me
I'm so sick of fights I hate them
Lets start this again for real

So here I am I'm trying
So here I am are you ready
So here I am I'm trying
So here I am are you ready

Come on let me hold you touch you feel you
Always
Kiss you taste you all night
Always
Come on let me hold you touch you feel you
Always
Kiss you taste you all night
Always

I've been here before a few times
And I'm quite aware we're dying

Come on let me hold you touch you feel you
Always
Kiss you taste you all night
Always
Come on let me hold you touch you feel you
Always
Kiss you taste you all night
Always
Always
Always

House

Today has been a long day. Despite thinking my head was screwed on straight, having no sleep made me a mess, and once again, I sent Jo texts, called her and cried on the phone to her. I don't know why. I guess it's because I still love her, but the feelings aren't reciprocated.

I have to live with that.

The hardest part of the moment is the house. So much for our happy little plans yesterday. Jo went to the council today, told them what was happening, and that she needed a home. They said something along the lines of "never mind, you walked, good luck!" Now, this house is rented, and both our names are on the tenancy. If one leaves, that's voluntary homelessness, and we don't qualify for any help.

The only option on that aspect is get legal aid, have a court declare which of us is rightfully owed the house, and then have the other legally "removed" which isn't as scary as it sounds. This other person is then officially homeless and can qualify for help - which means, well, anything. One of us could end up with a bedsit, a one - or if we're really lucky - a two bedroom house or flat.

The only other option is for one of us to get enough money in order to rent a place from a private landlord. As we'd both be on benefits - Jo as a single mum, me on my incapacity - then the council will pay the rent at both places. Assuming we can find a private landlord that accepts rent benefits from the council.

While this is the easier step, it comes with a price - namely, the deposit on the place. While the rent will be paid, the landlord will still likely demand first month rent and a security deposit. Which requires money. I need to call around the family this evening, see if they can help - we're still not sure who will get another place, Jo or myself, but this is home, and the other place will be the kids second home.

We're still agreed on joint custody and Jo has said she'd never take the kids from me. I know without a doubt that we are over, so the kids and myself are now priority. We've been talking about how we're going to work the kids, and I don't want to just be a weekend father. We might do four days/three days one week, then swap. We could do alternate days - whatever.

Quite how we're going to come up with money for deposit on a place I don't know. I know my mum is in no position to help, I'm going to try my dad and maybe even my sister. I just don't know what else to do. The legal route will take a long time, and the private route will take money. We're calling people and seeing what we can do.

At the moment, I have Jaysen. I got him from school today, and am having him till Saturday. Jo is coming over then to sit and discuss some stuff - bills, paper work and what not.

I'm at a loss really. Jo is gone. While sharing custody, the kids are going to be "hers", I'm probably going to lose the house... If anyone has a magic wand or something, now is the time to wave it.

Reformatting My Thoughts

I'm done crying. For the time being, anyway.

I can't do or say anything more than I have said. I've spoken to Jo on the phone a few times, cried, wailed, whined and pleaded my case, so now there is nothing else I can do. She knows how I feel, and I can't do anything else, but am fairly certain she's made up her mind once and for all.

She might wake up and realised what she's done. She could change her mind in the next few days, but I am not going to count on it.

I'm not being defeatest, I am being realistic. I can't dwell on the what-if's, mights and maybes. If she changes her mind soon, great, but I can't do it for her.

As it stands, the house is mine - we just have to sort bills, stuff and what not. The house and everything in it has always been "ours" so doing the "yours and mine" stuff isn't going to be easy. I'm getting Jaysen from school today (Thursday) and keeping him through till Sunday. Jo is going to come over Saturday so we can talk.

I assume her parents are going to help her out with a new place, but I don't know if she's going to want stuff from here - the kids will be here as much as they are with Jo, so I'll need everything to sort stuff out.

Still, I've made peace with Whoever or Whatever it is out there that has it in for me. Jo has made her decision, it's not right or fair on anyone going through life living a lie. I don't hate her - hell, I love everything about her - and have to live by the saying, If you love something, set it free.

Cheesey and Cliqued I know.

I will hold my head up, see what life is going to throw at me, and carry on life as best I can.

Thank you to everyone that has messaged, mailed, text and everything else. I've not replied yet, I will do that tomorrow.

And mum, if you're reading this, no, I won't kill myself.

Destroyed

At three this afternoon Jo came home crying. I knew what she was going to say, I've known it was happening, but I couldn't do anything to stop it.

She sat with me, crying onto my shoulder about how we've grown apart. How she doesn't love me like that any more.

Twelve years of being together, over in a conversation.

She's at her mums with the kids this evening. I've spoken to her as much as I can, but am a sobbing wreck. She loves me like a dear friend, nothing else. The spark is gone, and there's nothing I can do to reignite it.

She's been trying to deal with it for a few months now, but today was the point when she had to admit it to herself and to me. We cried, and I am still crying. There's nothing left inside me, but here I sit sobbing.

I love her, I love her so much, and have done since the day we met. We've been through so much together, and weathered every storm, but there comes a breaking point that a person can only take so much.

For now, she is with her parents with Jaysen and Tamsyn. I will probably have the house and she will get a new place, and I can see the kids when ever I like, and have them at weekends.

I want them all. Here. Now.

My mum came over, and she didn't know what to say. I don't know what to say. I can't make her love me the way I love her, and have offered to change however she wants me, but she can't. She's made her decision and I have to respect that.

I want to fight. I want to explode. But I can't do anything..

I don't know what to do with myself. I've tried pottering around the house, but the house is a dead shell without any life at the moment. Iwant my love and I want my babies. But I lose.

Jo, if you read this, I love you. I love you more than anything. I've always loved you and always will. I can't see my future without you, and I wish with all of my heart that I can say or do something to make it better, to bring you back to my arms. I've lost you, I know I've lost you, and I hate myself for making it happen. I wish we'd fixed it sooner before it got to this point, where we can't repair it.

I love you Jo. I love you so much, and hope you always remember that.


To my friends, please don't call, I won't answer. Don't text, I won't reply. Don't visit, I'm not here...


-Dan

Sexy...

Yeah, she'll kill me when she finally sees it...


If a blog silence follows, call for help... Please...

The Sun Came Out...

I do believe that since Christmas I have not "been well" for one single day. I feel tired, drained - exhausted - and the headache/sore throat/snottiness is getting very very boring now. However, aside from a few days of just vegging out on the sofa and, shockingly, sleeping during the day, I've been pressing on as best I can.

However, today, the sun is out and while I slept in for a stupid length of time - something else I don't do - I am taking advantage of the nice looking weather. All the curtains are open and I am bathed in sunlight. Granted I am freezing my nuts off, but none the less, the sun is nice.

Last night, we decided that we all fancied some pancakes. Well, aside from Tam - she doesn't like them, the little freak. So, I did something I have not done in a long time. I made a large batch. Yesterday was a long day, and I've been stressy and pissy all week, and didn't care what I ate.

And so Dan cooked. And tossed flipped pancakes for an eternity. And the plate of pancakes became a little mound, a heap, a pile, a tower...


That, folks, is a pile of 38 pancakes. There would have been more, but I got bored with the dregs in the bowl and poured three-pancakes worth of batter into the pan to save time.

The result? Jo, Jaysen and myself scarfing the worlds supply of pancakes. BUT don't think we're lardy fatties. No no, we left three. Which I might eat now.

Anyways, I am making the best of today - and prolly the weekend - before next week lands and saps my will ;)

And for the record, my new computer is completely set up to my liking - just getting used to Vista from XP, but it's not too different really. But it makes a nice change to play games without having a gale-force wind blowing around to keep it cool. It's nice to use a computer that works without randomly nosediving because I asked it to do something ;) You can see it here if you want, but it came from - strangely - a supermarket. A German-chain no less, that tends to sell rubbish.

Granted, it's not a supercomputer, but at the end of the day, it does what I want it to do, and it does it well. Warcraft, Half Life 2, Hellgate - it's all good!

Regarding Valentines Day

To all my girlfriends, mistresses, bits-on-the-side, girls-in-every-port, harlots, floozeys and everything else. As we are all acutely aware thanks to the battering we've had since New Years Day, Valentines Day is coming up. A day of love, roses, cards, chocolates, I love you's and all the rest of the fluffy stuff.

However, in keeping with the tradition of Jo and myself, I feel it's only fair to warn you, we don't DO Valentines Day. The reasoning is simple: We spent a V-Day in hospital with Bethy which turned out to be one of her worst days and had her sent straight back down to intensive care. We remember it clear as day, and frankly, we don't feel nuzzly, snuggly or fluffy on that day.

So we don't do it. We don't open cards from other people, we give chocolate to the kids, and so on.

February 14th, as far as we are concerned, just another day of the year.

Now, I know it will break sooo many hearts, spanning the globe and international borders no less, but please refrain from cards, flowers and everything else you want to send to me. I know it's going to be hard for you, but you really do need to contain yourselves. By all mean flash me with a smile, but that's about it ;)

We do, however, celebrate a different holiday, one that I have mentioned before. Granted, it's more for us Manly Men than for your Girly Girls, but none the less, it is celebrated in place of V-Day.

March 14th, Steak And A BJ Day. Mark it in your calendars.