Just... Firking... Rah.

Why does the most simple of tasks always end up being some momentus bloody mission? Is it just me? Do I attract the "Gremlins" that visit other people every now and then? Maybe they eminate from my house.


Jaysen got a new light fitting for Xmas. A chrome and glass helicopter light fitting, to be exact. Now, I've replaced entire light fittings before - both the kitchen and dining room lights, repaired the hallway light - it's NOT rocket science - wire there, wire there, wires there, tighten it up, attach fitting to ceiling, turn power back on, bobs' your uncle, fannys' your aunt - Let There Be Light.

Not this time. We've had a problem with the toilet light before all this kicked off, so I figured "replace Jaysen's light, use his old fitting in the toilet" which to me is reasonable logic.

So, yesterday, off goes the power to the light circuit, down comes the fitting and... Hello... TWO sets of wires?! So I spend 20 minutes or so scratching my head, checking my instructions and confirming wire colours with Jo - the Jo's of electrical work and colour blindness. In the end, we take down existing lights that I've changed, and low and behold - two sets of wires. OK, so how I forgot that I don't know.

With a little bit of fiddling around, we figure the new fitting is the same as the old, just layed out differently, and set to connecting it up. Have you ever tried to screw in tiny little screws while supporting the weight of a ruddy-great chrome light fitting? What a barrel of laughs THAT was. Not. About half-way through, it starts getting dark, so I flick the hall light on outside Jaysens room. Nothing.

Ahhh wait, Mr Genius, you turned the power off earlier. So I start untangling the bedroom lamp and moving it so I can see. Yellow light, coloured wires - added fun for the colourblind. Also, I should add, by this point, I am in agony with my back, my head from constant *doink* on the ceiling, and my fingers and just sore for no reason.

Finally I get the bastard (and I do mean bastard) attached to the ceiling, grab a bulb, start to put it in. DaMmIt! Wrong poxy bloody stupid bulb fitting. AND wrong wattage. We generally use 60watt Bayonet thingie, but this needed a 40watt screw thingie. Technical eh?

AND I never knew bulbs had so many bloody fitting types and sizes...

So, instead of clearing myself up, doing my hair and nipping to the shops, I think "Sod this, I will sort it tomorrow - he can have a lamp tonight". He's not best pleased, but tough pants. Time to quickly sort the toilet light which is just connecting two wires, then moving on, putting in a bulb, turning on the power and away we go. Wires in, caps on, bulb in, power on, the house lights up.

Well, except the toilet light.

I open it, check, double check, get Jo to confirm. Fiddle with the connecters, realise I'm a dickhead for leaving the power on, thank my lucky stars I'm not crispy fried (I've been electrocuted twice before - it's not nice) and click the switch. Nothing. Still dark. So I mutter moan and grumble then move on. Sod it - too dark, hurting to high hell, and really want to sit down.

Bed time rolls around, and two bulbs pop. I replace them. I pop into Bethys old room, click the switch - dark. Change the bulb. Dark. So now I am REALLY confused. All lights, bar the loo and the bedroom are not working. I realise that the wiring in the helicopter is actually wrong, the circuit is not complete, and leave it be till tomorrow. Which is actually today, at this point just after 1am.

Fast forward to midday today. We get the helicopter down, take apart the wiring, rewire it, reconnect it - which took us both over an hour - and... Still no light in the toilet, BUT light in Bethys room. Uh...? Now I am confused, and realised I might well have screwed the toilet light, not the helicopter. Dismantle, rebuild FOUR times. Still no light.

NOW I am swearing. AND I've cut my finger, and my belly (don't stand under falling knives). As a last ditch attempt, I check the light fitting itself and find wonder of wonders - the original person that installed the light (not me) had cut the wire too short and kinda "sat" it in the connector, not screwed it, glued it, taped it or anything else. My fiddling obviously knocked it out.

So now, nearly three hours later, three injuries, bad back, hot & dusty, having taken down and check FIVE light fittings in the house, we have light in the toilet. No more peeing in the dark.

And the funny thing - I'm much too tired, too sweaty, and too sore to go and get a bulb for the helicopter. I really hope it works...

The Moral? I can build and install a computer in less than 90 minutes, but it takes me two days to change a lightbulb.

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2 Responses to “Just... Firking... Rah.”

Anonymous said...

Well the helicopter is pretty cool!

Dan said...

Pah, for the amount of work I put in, it doesn't fly or anything!