Gamer Gaming

As I occasionally do, I like to stop what I am doing and take a minute to talk about my gaming habits. And, for a change, the list is quite different to normal. For a start, I'm not playing World of Warcraft, and haven't been online in ages.

Why? I got bored. It's all well and good discovering new areas, finding the cool nooks and crannies, running the interesting, intricate quest lines, and seeing stories unfold in different places... But Blizzard have dumbed the game down so much now, it's hardly worth bothering. There's only so many times you can run the same quests through the same places to get the same outcome.

You don't even need to read the quest dialog any more. Glance over the summary, run to the marked point on the map, got through the motions, run back. No more searching or hunting. No more figuring stuff out for yourself...

Dungeons & Raids never really held much interest for me, except when I were in a guild of like-minded crazies. THAT was fun. Now it's go to a dungeon with a group, and either steamroll through everything in 30 minutes, or die repeatedly and deal with others screaming and ranting at one another. Raids are even worse as they are bigger, take longer, and no one works out the tactics any more... Read an article, learn the moves, rinse and repeat.

And PvP holds no interest for me at all.

So it's either level a character, do the same stuff repeatedly and start again, or not play.

Which means I can't be bothered to play. Even the upcoming expansion doesn't make me go all giggly and think "wantwantwantwantwant" like it used to. I've not even seen the cinematic for it yet. Not interested.

I'm not playing Diablo 3 at the moment either, but that isn't a game I like to play in dribs and drabs. I don't like playing for half an hour then doing something else, and at the moment, I don't have the time to sit and play for a decent amount of time.

Games that HAVE sucked me in, however, are a strange mix.

Despite mocking Tamsyn and her love of all things Minecraft, I've somehow gotten hooked on Terraria. It's practically the same thing, but 2D and not 3D. I can't even explain what I love about it. Exploration? Crafting? Digging?! Whatever it is, I own it on both my PC and my Tablet. Both games are different - with randomly generated world's when you create a new game, it's ALWAYS different... Being able to play with others is sort of a plus, but the only person I played with was Jaysen. Who doesn't play often. And he sucked at it ;-)

Considering how much Minecraft doesn't hold my attention, I can't work out why Terraria does. Maybe I'm just fussy...

Next on the list of games that have sucked me in is The Elder Scrolls 5 - Skyrim. And I mean this game has all its claws in me and has dragged me in. I loved Oblivion and Morrowind (Elder Scrolls 4 & 3 respectively) but Skyrim has me even more so. I'm doing all the main quests at my own pace. I'm picking up all the miscellaneous quests I can find. I'm exploring every nook, every cranny, every cave, ruin, tower, dungeon, crypt, mountain pass, and whatever else there is. I'm making my gear better and better. I've adopted kids. I've become a werewolf (even though I forget I can shape-shift). I've saved vampires and murdered honest merchants. I've accumulated more wealth than I know what to do with. I've bought houses and built mansions...

And still I'm hooked.

I honestly think it's the open-world aspect of the game. I can go and do what I want, when I want, how I want. The play-style I use determines how my character develops his skills... I can sneak in and pick off the baddies from afar with my bow. I can go in blazing with magic in all directions. I can charge forth and let my axe splatter faces... I can be given a quest to go do something-or-other, and wander off in the opposite direction to go collect stuff so I can make some potions. Or go explore a cave. Or steal a horse. Or burgle a house.

Hey, don't judge me, I'm mostly good, but a locked chest MUST be locked for a reason, right? I can't NOT look...

In the world of Online Gaming, I am currently in love with Wildstar, a sort of futuristic sci-fi Western set on another planet. It's a very pretty game, and has a lot of undertones of how WoW used to be.

Think Star Wars meets Titan AE meets Firefly meets Warcraft.

But... My computer is old, and my laptop is, well, a laptop... There is only so much they can handle, and reeeally annoyingly, Wildstar is that one step too far. I can play it to a point, with all the details turned waaaay down to almost minimum, but it destroys the point. I like pretty games, I like games that look nice. And I like games that don't struggle when you have more than a few monsters surrounding you.

So now in order to play it, I have to save up for a decent computer, or really really decent laptop.

But I digress.

As for mobile games... Well, I've already mentioned Terraria. For some reason, I am also playing TWO farming types games, Township and Hay Day. Again, I have no idea why. Grow crops, produce goods, fill orders, build stuff, help friends... Strange, but addicting.

I'm also playing Dungeon Keeper, but that's more a five minutes here and there game at the moment. The developers have taken the idea of the original Dungeon Keeper game, and changed it to a game of "Micro" transactions. Doing anything takes ages. Unless you use gems. Which you find now and then, but you'll need more. So you have to buy them. Over and over. Same goes for the big powerful dudes, they cost gems. Which you can find. But you need more. So you buy them.

I refuse to spend money on it. So I am slogging away, taking my time...

I also have both The Tribez, and the sequel Tribez & Castlez. Honestly I prefer the first one, but it's a "build a town" game, and again, they push you to spend money... One of the "special" offers is a single building for more than £20! I'll pass.

I am getting bored of both those games... But I struggle with mobile games, trying to find something that holds my interest, doesn't cost money to progress, doesn't feel like actual work, and doesn't have a learning curve like a cliff-face.

My time has been all over the place this last month thanks to the house move, and that has definitely cut into my gaming time. But more than that has been how I feel...

Because of my useless brain and pointless body, I struggle with games, especially new ones. I really struggle to take in ANY new instructions, and learning a new game can take a while. Then I forget what I am doing completely which either results in a restart, or just me having a hissy fit at how thick I am, and just deleting the game.

If I am in pain, gaming sometimes distracts me away from it, and I can enjoy doing something. However, sometimes the pain wins out, and - the same if I am tired - I lose the plot, forget what I am doing, and make stupid mistakes that results in a Game Over or a Reload Y/N screen. Making stupid mistakes on top of stupid mistakes is the worst.

Running face to face with a handful of powerful critters is a stupid mistake that ends in death. That, coupled with the biggest stupid mistake of forgetting to Quick Save, well... That usually means an hour of slow creeping and assassinating is wasted.

And I just quit.

I think that was the only reason I stuck with WoW for so long. I was so used to playing it, knew what I was doing, even if I made silly mistakes, I could get over them. I almost played on auto-pilot a lot of the time.

But I digress..

The only game I am actually looking forward to comes out in just over a week... A revamp of the original Gauntlet game. I've been watching the videos posted to Steam, and reading about the features and what not, and really can't wait for it to come out. The 20-something of this month. And assuming it'll run on my computer (which I am sure it will) I will be getting it!

I also intend to get both Oblivion and Morrowind again too, and replay those, to see if I get as sucked in as I have been with Skyrim. No promises on holding back on murder and burglary mind you ;-)

Lastly, apologies for any typos/wrong words or formatting weirdness... I am very tired, in pain, in bed, and posting from my tablet.

0ddness II - A New Beginning

For those of you living under a rock, or more specifically, that aren't on my Facebook (OR have me muted... I know who you are...) you will be aware that August has been, well, mentally manic at Chez 0ddness.

With it being Summer Holidays and all the kids being home, with Kellie working, it was decided that - what the hell - we'd sodding well move house too. Because why not?

We've been wanting to move for ages. Chez 0ddness is was beyond cramped. Granted, it was a three bedroom town house (ground floor, middle floor, top floor) BUT it was narrow. For a regular sized family, it was a little tight, but for the tribe...

Put it this way - our bedroom was in the dining room.

Finally, we found a house that we loved, and thus started the long process of acquiring said-house. It was lovely - big, open, spacious, big kitchen, big lounge, lovely garden, big living room... And finally, mid-August, we were given the green light.

And thus began one of the most stressful self-induced hellish fortnights of my life. I won't go into too much detail. It wasn't the move per sé, and it wasn't leaving Chez 0ddness exactly... It was the mess. The chaos. The disorganisation. The "Shit There Is So Much To Do But We Seem To Be Getting No Where" feeling...

My brain isn't wired for this sort of thing. I don't know what it is. I don't know if it's the loss of control, the upheaval, even the change... But I was a wreck. In agony and pushing through by day, sobbing in the dark by night.

People kept saying to me "It'll be worth it in the end" and "Think of how wonderful it'll be" and similar phrases. But they didn't help.

Being told those things, while literally surrounded by boxes, rubbish sacks, mess, dust and a list as long as my arm...

Quite how I didn't just run and hide I don't know.

Surprisingly, we were pretty much ready *cough*though not really*cough* in record time. The weekend of the 30th/31st August become Official 0ddness Moving Weekend, and all troops were mobilised. The kids were "helping", Kerry and James were slaving away, Mick from work helped, the 0dd Mother and the 0dd Mother-in-Law helped, Callum & Kathleen were beavering away with Dom & Molly...

Again, hell, chaos, nightmare, mess, disorganisation...

BUT by late Saturday evening, the new front door was closed, everyone had a bed, and all was quiet. We sat and ate takeaway on the living room floor. We could breathe.

We were in.

And thus begins a new chapter in our lives. Chez 0ddness is no more. Chez English is the in thing now. WE have a home. Kellie doesn't "live with me" any more. We live together.

Yes, we are still working our way through boxes. Yes, there is still plenty to do. Yes, I still want to run and hide and scream and cry. BUT there are no more deadlines. No more time limits. I cleared through a few boxes in the living room yesterday. Today, I might not do anything.

I want to thank everyone that helped out once more... Because without everyone helping, we'd never have managed it. Kerry & James were absolute troopers - Kerry had to drive the truck (I know, a woman driving a truck! AND there were ZERO deaths as a direct result of her driving!), and James was DIY Man (because I am still not allowed to use power tools). Callum & Kathleen (Kerry & James' two eldest) helped the kids sort their rooms. Our mums were amazing help - the 0dd Mother-in-Law was driving backwards and forwards, carting things around, buying food, and helping with the packing & clearing up, while the 0dd Mother sorted all the houseplants, made up big garden pots of flowers, and has been helping out with other bits as well. Mick from Work helped James with some of the DIY, and was brilliant at shifting and straightening heavy furniture. The kids were all great, helping out, carrying, lifting, clearing, tidying...

And for you that could see I was a mess, and keeping me sane via messaging, thank you... From convincing me not to kill anyone, for telling me murder is bad, and for keeping me as sane (yes yes, I know...) as humanly possible...

Thank you everyone.

I am aware that there is a distinct lack of pictures of the house so far... And I will remedy this as soon as possible. I was hoping to take pictures without boxes in frame, but suspect that might be a while away. So I WILL do pictures soon. Suffice to say, the house is like us. A bit strange, a bit 0dd, a bit weird, and the outside doesn't tell you anything about what's going on on the inside.

Welcome to Chez English.

Feeling Rough

You would have thought that having had a relatively busy weekend, followed today by getting up at half eight and being proper full-on busy All. Day. Long... You'd have thought sleep would come easily.

Pfft, you'd have thought...

I honestly didn't stop till about five this evening today, and I had to use all my faculties too, physical, strength, mental, dexterity, following lists and instructions, crouching low, stretching high, trying to not lop off my fingers or fall down stairs, and remembering how to type and count too..

Last night - well, most nights this last week - have been horrendous, even for my sleep patterns, and while I could have done without being quite so stupidly busy today, I thought - foolishly - that it might help me sleep.

So, early night... Nine o clock.

And here we are at half midnight already. I know what most of the issue is. My body is screaming, and my head is swimming with what feels like blancmange, and thoughts struggle to rise through it.

So here I lay, three and a half hours of trying to sleep, so I figure I'll try blogging, focus away from sleeping.

Or not sleeping, as the case is.

Thursday, I'm going back to the doctor and asking for a referral back to Pain Management. Not that I am holding much hope with them being helpful... Just like the last times (yes, plural) I've been there.
And maybe this week I'll learn to stop running around doing everything and delegating to the rest of the household to do something. I know I can't keep going on like this. I nearly fell out the shower yesterday. I almost fell down the stairs today. Twice. I nearly stuck myself with a knife AND almost lopped off a finger today too.

Not good.

Anyway, I'm going to return to the bed and staring at the ceiling now in a hope that part of my body realises it'll stop hurting if I fall asleep, and will feel better in the morning.

OK, not better... Less shit, maybe. Unless I did more than I should have done today, in which case, I'm going to suffer for the next few days.

Joy.

Wish me luck.

Chaos in the House

You will be forgiven for thinking that when it comes to Chez 0ddness, Chaos is a given; part of the wood-work, part of daily life, part of the very fabric of the home.

You'd be wrong.

See, there is chaos-chaos, and there is Chaos. Obviously, I am talking of the latter. Chaos-Chaos is kids, pets, woman, housework and general shenanigans. Chaos, however, is when there are strangers in the house, power tools in the house, building, repairs and bomb-hit-it-appearances that cause me to stress out.

First off, as the wise man Hubert Farnsworth once said will say - Good News Everyone! After over seven years, we have a fence! When it first went plooey, I started chasing for it to be repaired, then it got worse, and I had to chase for it to be replaced. I was fobbed off, jerked around, lied to and generally messed around. I gave up after a while, chasing it every now and then until late last year when I finally snapped - and sent a properly shitty email to them.

Within a week, I had a case worker who was very interested in not only the fence, but any and all issues I had with the home. So I asked her for a week, and at the end of that week, she was presented with a laundry-list of every little issue I had with the place. Cracks here, peeling stuff there, missing that, broken that, and so on...

And to her credit, she did not once tell me where to stick it. She went through it all item by item, and over the last six weeks or so, I've had a bloke turning up, fixing something, buggering off, then coming back a week later, fixing something else... Over and over.

But finally, the two bigger items... The Garden Fence, and the Downstairs Banisters.

Now, as I write this, the banisters are still a work in progress - I am sitting here writing this blog post in an attempt to distract me from the sheer volumes of stress going on behind me.

The fencing, however... The fencing is done. I was so excited that it was getting done, and the weather has been so nice this week, I didn't take into account what makes Britain so... British.

The rain.

Last night, it started to rain, and carried on and off through the night, and was pissing down this morning when the contractors arrived. I have no rear access to the house, so they had to take everything they needed through the house, and were in and out as they progressed through the building. Each trip delivering more and more mud, clay, gravel and dust onto the floor. The first two hours saw the dust sheets soaked through and sort of pointless.

By about 1pm, they were done...

From this:

Guys on site

To this:

Finally, privacy! Kellie I can now sunbathe topless!

Of course, the downside to this is the mud and crap throughout the downstairs...

This is currently the state of my downstairs hallway/back room. Made worse now, by the added layer of several inches of sawdust.

And I kid you not about the sawdust. When he first started cutting up wood - on the middle-floor hallway with open banisters - it started to snow through the banisters and downstairs. And now, he's cutting wood downstairs as well...

That is just the start of Sawdust Hell 2013... It's even worse downstairs.

Of course, with all this sawdust, plus the carpenter in and out to the van still, I can't sweep/hoover/mop the downstairs. For one, he's still making more sawdust. For two, it'll just stick to the wet floor anyway. So I have to wait until he's done. Until then, he's still using his circular saw, hammer, power drill, hammering more...

It's going to take Kellie me hours to clean this mess up.

And now - the kids have started coming home.

DIY (Destroy-It-Yourself)

Despite what you may think, I am not entirely perfect. Here and now, I am happy to admit that yes, I do have the occasional thought. And, contrary to popular belief, I do not know "everything" despite being able to come up with a smart-arse answer to most questions.

I am flawed. It's true. But I accept my flaws, and it makes me a better person.

One such "flaw" is my DIY skills. Over here in Sunny Basildonia, DIY stands for Do-It-Yourself. Those of you across the pond refer to it as Home Improvements. The rest of you, I have no clue (see, admitting a gap in knowledge=brilliance!)

Now, don't get me wrong, it's not that I am bad at ALL things DIY, but I lack the skills, and therefore I lack the confidence. Years ago, I managed to completely re-tile the bathroom and entire toilet, with zero skills or knowledge... And those tiles never came down, cracked, or needed repairs. By the same token, the re-tiling that was done in the bathroom a couple of years back by a professional - half a dozen tiles are currently coming away from the wall.

Give me a computer, and I'm all over it. I know what it all does, I know how to replace or repair most parts, and generally, I can get a dead machine back up and running in no time. Flat-Pack-Easy-To-Assemble furniture I can handle too. While most people struggle with the diagrams and which thingie is Part A, and where the hell Slot C is, I can read through it, sort the bits out, and build the furniture.

What I also lack when it comes to DIY, are the correct tools. For many years, my toolbox consisted of some metal things, a half-dozen screwdrivers, a saw, a drill and a hammer. It took me YEARS to realise that there were different types of drill bit, for example. I was certain I had some sort of super-coated dense wall in my house, after melting several bits. Turns out, I was trying to drill into the wall with wood-bits...

And once I DID have the correct drill bits, putting up shelving by eye, and NOT with a spirit level is, for the most part, just another way of putting up wonky shelving.

Trust me, I know.

So imagine the mixture of both glee and horror when our trusty electric shower conked out on Sunday. Years ago, once all the pipes and electrics were run, I installed it, and over the years, when it's died, I've managed to service it myself and get it back up and running.

However, Sundays death was permanent. Something technical had died, and while I COULD have bought the part I suspected it was, it would have meant ordering it online, waiting for it to be delivered, un-soldering the dead bit, re-soldering the new bit, and hoping it was that part in the first place.

So, Kellie decided we needed a new shower rather sharpish - especially as yours truly cannot get into, and out of, a bath. I HATE baths too. They make me feel useless, so, new shower it was. Kellie had a hunt online, found the one she liked the look of, and I went off to collect it.

Bus to town, bus to retail park, buying the shower, bus to town, bus home. Two hours. Yes, as usual, the buses around here are atrociously shite.

First things first, will the shower fit? So, I took my ruler (and not because I don't own a tape measure, but I couldn't find the stupid thing anywhere!) and checked. Yep, it will fit in the existing place. Next, check the electrics and plumbing. Yep, while the pipe elbow needed rotating, everything else was fine. So, dead-shower removal.

Off came the wall screws. Out came the electrics. Before removing the plumbing, turn the shower water supply off, and... No, back up... Turning the stopcock off, something odd happened. A slight grinding noise came from within, followed by the tap itself popping out half an inch and spraying a fine mist of water over me and the floor. Regardless of which direction I turned it, water was leaking from within. So, in a last ditch effort to stop the external flow of water, I smacked it inwards. It didn't completely stop, but was obviously broken.

Bucket under the leak, emergency plumber called. This is at about half three, and I was told he could be with me any time before... TEN P.M!

So I sat and waited. And sulked. And re-read the installation instructions for the shower. And sulked. While it wasn't my fault, it was just typical... Thankfully, at just after five, the plumber turned up.

I've had the pleasure of this chap before - he was here a couple of weeks back fixing another unrelated leak in the house, and he was miserable... Doesn't like being on his knees, doesn't like having to move stuff out the way, doesn't like working in tight places... Honestly, if you don't like those jobs, you're in the wrong profession mate.

This time was no different. Apparently, I had reported the job wrong. While I reported it as "stopcock not shutting off and leaking" and they sent it to him as "stopcock seized up and leaking" what it ACTUALLY was was "Gate Valve damaged and leaking"

Yes, because I know the difference between a stopcock and a gate valve.

He was very unimpressed, because he didn't know if he had a spare gate valve, had it been reported correctly, he could have stopped off on route and grabbed one, even though he was on his way home from Harlow, and had had a bad day, and just wanted it to be over...

Carry on at me mate, I'll make sure your day ends sooner than you'd like...

Luckily (for him) he DID have a new gate valve on the van, but now he was pissed off because the chaps that had done the bathroom refit and tiled over the joints he needed access to. So out came a hammer and chisel, and after a few minutes of banging, my bathroom sported a nice new hole in the wall. He carried on huffing and puffing and sorting out the thingie until, finally, it was finished.

To rub salt in his moody wound, I pointed out that, while he was here, I also had another leak (yes, another) in the toilet... Every time the toilet was flushed, a little trickle ran out the cistern and onto the floor. He started saying that it wasn't on his job sheet, but I said if he couldn't do it, I would just call up the repairs line and report it after he left... He knew full well that if I did that, the nearest plumber would be routed BACK to my house... Guess who the nearest plumber would be!

Lucky for, er, him I suppose, it was an easy fix... Adjusted something and tightened something else, and voila! No more leak. He even cleaned up the mess in the bathroom perfectly. Signed his sheet, and off he went!

With the water now off, I set to removing the shower, and after a bit of straining and struggling, it came free. Hallelujah!

Now for the sizing up of the new one, right size, right shape, electrics fit properly, water inlet was in the right place... But... er... The OLD shower had a nut the screwed onto the pipe fitting. The new shower, however, did not. Re-checked the installation instructions, and it read something about using compression fittings on the inlet.

Here is where my Non-DIY brain fired up. While I understand what "compression" means, I didn't have the foggiest what one was. And since I don't generally keep plumbing supplies in the house (shockingly) it meant I had to get one. And the nearest DIY shop?

A few doors down from where I got the shower.

Yes, I am swearing at this point.

So now, at six in the evening, I have to go back out, bus to town, bus to retail park, and go into B&Q. I go to the plumbing section, and start hunting for what I need. However, "what I need" in Dan-Terms, and "what I need" in Plumbing Terms are, more than likely, two very different things. In my pocket, I have the old elbow joint, it's connector, the shower installation manual, and a series of photos on my phone.

What do I need? I my terms, I need a right-angled pipe, with a screw fitting on one end to attach to the wall-pipe, and a compression fitting on the other end to attach to the shower.

Of course, nothing is labelled like that. So I ask one of the chaps in orange aprons to help me out. And I explain it to him in Dan Terms, with the visual aids of instructions, copper pipe in my pocket, and a slide show presentation.

"You need a standard compression elbow joint like this -" he doesn't even look, just reaches out and picks up the thing I am stood beside "- and just take off the nut and olive from the end you're connecting to the wall, and go from there."

Olive?!

"OK, thank you very much!" and off I trundle with my new piece of pipe work, which a WHOLE £1.50, and head back to the bus stop, frantically Googling "What is a plumbing olive"

Bus to town, bus back home, and finally, at about half seven, I am ready to go. I measure up, I drill holes, I run wires, I remove the olive and nut, connect the elbow to the wall, connect the shower to the pipes with the compression joint, screw it all into place, and turn the water back on.

No leaks.

I rush down stairs, reconnect the shower isolation.

No emergency shutdown.

I head back up, turn on the isolation switch.

No blackout.

I make sure the dials and stuff are all aligned, put the cover on, connect the hose, and set to filling and commissioning the shower.

Water flows. Water heats and cools according to the dial. The pressure is perfect.

Ladies and gentlemen, at approximately 8pm last night, I had a fully functional shower, that I installed, without ANY help from anyone! Had the stop cock... Sorry, gate valve, not broken, and had I owned a compression joint, the job would have taken me no less than 90 minutes. However, due to the stop cock - sorry, sorry, gate valve - waiting on a plumber, and having to go out and get the right part, it took nearly seven hours.

In either case, it's a win for me! And, they say you learn from your mistakes.

• I learned that trying to travel anywhere in Basildon on First Buses takes as long as getting a coach into central London. During Rush Hour.
• I learned how to be a really effective plumber.
• I learned the difference between a Gate Valve and a Stop Cock.
• I learned how to bash a hole into someones tiled wall.
• I learned what a Plumbing Olive is.
• I learned how to fit a Compression Joint.

And yes, I did get in the shower as soon as it was done. And yes it was glorious.

Word of the Day

For this fine, wonderful, glorious grey, flat, drizzly summer morning, allow me to give you a definition for the day.

Todays word is "Futility"

We (and by "we" I mean "Kellie") are slowly decorating our way through the house.  I told Kellie when she moves in, that she had free reign, to go nuts, and to tell me "This is how THIS room is going to be"  You may mistake me for being a lazy man, but as long as it's not green or some bright, outrageous colour, I am quite happy to have the rooms whatever colours.

So, at the moment, she is alternating between doing the bedroom, and doing the living room.  Yesterday, the bedroom had Furniture Change Around #5.  In seven months.  The lounge was redone a couple of weeks back too, and I think that was #6 or so.

Anyway, bedroom is going to be dark - slatey type colours - and the lounge some sort of redish colour - terracotta, maybe.  But I can't remember to be honest.  So we'll just leave it at Terracotta and be done with it.

Today, Kellie is at work, and asked me to pop into town for a couple of items.  Namely, items of certain colours for their specific rooms.  Bedding for one, curtains for the other.

Now, you may think that being told "Get THIS and Get THAT" would be easy, however, you may recall that yours truly is colour blind.  So, as backup, I took Molly with me.  Being a girl helps as they "get" colours, and especially NOT being colourblind is a bonus.  My seeing-eye-child, as it were.

Terracotta Curtains, Slate Bedding.  How hard could it be*

There were four ports of call in town for me to check for said-items, so we opted for the one furthest first, then headed back through town until we were done. Easy peasy.

First shop, sod all curtains, the closest to terracotta being Porn Red.  I'm talking so RED I could see they were RED.  On scale with the Blood Red House of DEATH across the road from me. I'm thinking "Plant Pot" colour as invariably, plant pots are terracotta.  Apparently.

First shop also had zero bedding items in Slates/Greys etc.  They DID have black, but I was under orders for Slate or Grey.  Remember that.

Second shop DID have deep red curtains, but at £127, I didn't think they were THAT nice.  They didn't have anything resembling Slate nor Grey, but again they did have black.  But I don't want black.

Third Shop - Asda - and I'm now losing heart AND interest. Everything I look at I have to say to Molly "What colour is that" only to be told it's red, or brown, or blue... I'm also supposed to be getting Clear Varnish which I am also failing to find.  So, I call The Boss and whine.  I can't find this, Molly saw this, I can't find that..."

Mollys find, however, was a set of brownish curtains with dark red flowers on them - and on describing them to Kellie, she said they sounded nice.  On telling her the price tag, she decided they were NOT so nice... As for the bedding, Kellie had a brainwave.  "Get black, and get some extra grey pillowcases!"

Yes, black would also be acceptable to her, despite seeing LOTS of black bedding thus far today.  While I'm bitching, I also spot the clear varnish.  In the motoring section, of course.  "Oh, can you also get some nice hooks and some other hooks please" she asks me in her sexy You'll Do It For Me Because I've Got A Sexy Voice voice.

"Yes dear"

So, I grab some "nice" hooks and some "other" hooks - strangely, ALSO in the motoring section - and head back to the bedding, and get a black set which I now notice is reversible... The other side?  Grey!  I am a shopping genius.

With my items now in my possession, I rapidly pay and get the f'k out of dodge and back home, and proceed to collapse on the sofa.  I had a very VERY busy day yesterday, and am suffering for it today.  I'm also typing this with a kitten firmly attached to my right forearm.

As I stated at the front of this post, todays word is Futility: Sending a colourblind man out to buy colour-based items to match a colour-based room, neither of which he has much clue about.

Doghouse Diaries summed it up very well with this chart that you will have to clicky to embiggen:

Now, you will have to excuse me. I need to eat, I need a coffee and painkillers, and I am expecting James to phone at any moment when he realises that he has been mocked in the comments of TWO blog posts.  Yes, for those that used to read his blog, he is back blogging again - this time as a cross-dressing panicky new father!



*very

Basildon - Seaside Resort

Global Warming.  I can honestly say I don't give it that much thought.  Yes, it's happening (well, depending on who you listen to of course!) and yes, the ice caps will melt, the tides will rise and so on and so on.

I'm not saying I don't care about global warming - Polar Bears are good swimmers, but they're not THAT good - but I don't sit wondering what my deodorant is doing to the atmosphere.  I recycle my junk amongst the different bags and boxes, I don't leave taps running, I don't leave lights on (the kids, however...), low-fill toilet, economical electrical goods - I like to think I'm doing my little bit here and there.

However, while blindly bumping around online yesterday, I cam across a site with a Google Maps thingie built in to guesstimate new coastlines and such like.  Where we are, we're on what I think is "high ground" in that, if there's a gap, you can look out and DOWN across areas like the Thames Estuary and across to Kent.  From my roof, on a clear day I can see Canary Wharf in London.

And I am now glad that I DO live on high ground, but am no longer convinced I should be saving the environment.  If the caps melt, and the sea levels rise, I will be a ten minute walk from the sea front.  Check out this image - you'll need to clicky it to embiggen it, but still:

Now, you see that "X" top-middle-ish?  That's home, just off Timberlog Lane.  At the end of Timberlog Lane, you'll walk down part of Clay Hill Road, and then be at the seaside!

You can check out where you are going to be living in the future - either safe and sound, or in a pineapple under the sea - by checking out this site.

As an interesting aside, Canvey Island - where Kellie used to live - is a very low, reclaimed-land island, and once the tide comes in, it'll just be another spot of water in the Estuary.  So not only is she reeeeally lucky to have me, I will now also repeatedly point out to her that I saved her life.  Go me.

(We won't mention that this is the levels predicted for the year 2100)

Now, if you will excuse me, I have some aerosols to let off, and some fridges to smash open.

Blogging On The Move

Being that I am a master at multi-tasking - no, I am - I am currently Blogging while walking AND listening to music... Proof that the world truly is mobile now I think!

Being that it's been Tamsyns birthday this week, she wanted to go for a picnic over the weekend. Now me, I'd have packed each child a lunch box and job done. Kellie, however, had different plans...

Friday we went shopping, and Kellie started to put more and more stuff in the trolley all for Saturday. Let's put it this way, it took just over an hour to put everything together. And we ended up with mountains if food.

Kellie and myself, plus four kids headed out at about half eleven, and we spent the entire day at Wat Tyler Country Park. We walkies, bird-watched, played in the adventure playground, did the museum and even the gift shop... We didn't get in till gone five, all exhausted, and with very little food left over!

I'm sure here and Facebook will have pictures soon ;)

In other news, I can confirm the previous post was a fabrication, and that Kellie isn't a spy. Or she is, and her cover is brilliant... Punya is sunny Australia (yes, despite Autumn/Winter arriving!) got the papers correct, it was from the Myst computer game.

For those following Kellies medical saga, she had another blood test on Thursday... We get the results tomorrow from all the Thyroid tests, and ate really hoping they show something. Hopefully the doc will say "yes, it's your thyroid, here's some meds to make it better" and she'll start getting better. I'm stuck in that powerless-to-do-anything mode and I don't like it.

I know it won't be an instant fix, but at least we'll know why Kellie has been so poorly, and that we can do something about it...

Otherwise, aside from still sifting through the house, sorting everything out, entertaining and feeding kids and everything else, all is quiet... Pfft.



Location : Address not available
Posted on my HTC Desire HD (so apologies for strange formatting or random Predictive Typing spelling mistakes!)

Co-Habiting

Wow.  Just... Wow.  You may have heard, in the dim distant past that is the end of 2010, Kellie and myself decided that moving in together was a really really great plan.  Easy Peasy, we thought.

That thought line right there was probably the beginning of the end.  If ever you are planning something, never, under ANY circumstance, use the phrase "How hard can it be" or "That'll be a doddle!" because, 99.9% of the time, that means it will be a mission.

We decided that moving in would only take a few weeks, we'd be done and dusted before Xmas, we'd be sorted and so on (more curses), when, in fact, it is only NOW, two months later, that Kellie is actually IN.  It all started so well, so easily...

(this is where there would be movie dream-sequence wiggly lines on the screen)

We started packing up and throwing stuff out of both houses literally mid-November.  Clear out as much shite as you can, pack stuff up, off, up and away you go.  The kids rooms at Kellies were easy.  Shit out, good stuff packed, leave out enough clothes for a couple of weeks and wash it in cycles so there is always clean clothes.

Then came kitchens, and main bedrooms, and in Kellies case, a loft, in my case, the bits I've saved "just in case" and so on.  Through out December, we were moving things across from Canvey to Basildon, and hired a van (expertly driven by Pete, thank you Mr Pete!) to get the big stuff over.  We spent hours packing, dismantling, moving, preparing...

When the first van load was unpacked, my rather spacious house suddenly seemed a little more... Loaded.  So, you can imagine what the second van load did.  The third was kind of like overkill.  Were there still a leak in the Gulf of Mexico, I would have been able to block it in an instant.

My kitchen didn't have floor space per se, more of a single line of space between the microwave and the doorway.  The lounge had a sofa and armchairs, but they were buried under bags and boxes and was pretty much a No Mans (or Womans) Land.  The hallway & landing was single file skinny people only.  The bedrooms had beds and boxes.  The bathroom had boxes, and toilet had stuff, the front garden, and the back garden also had stuff.

Clearly, we had not been ruthless enough. 

That was Sunday.  Monday, conveniently, Kellie went to work and kids went to school.  So I sat in the kitchen and started offloading, and dumping, and clearing and going through stuff I'd already gone through.  Need, Need, Don't Need, Why, Don't Need... After six hours, the kitchen was clear.  So I cleared the living room next, then collapsed and died on the sofa. 

Avenge me.

That night, when Kellie resurrected my broken corpse after work, she sorted out Mollys room while I cleared room for the boys to get into their rooms.  Tams room, being bigger, ended up with a few boxes so they were out of the way.  I even found the bathroom.

And that has been the story since.  Clear an area, move on.  We ended up hiring a skip for a week, and after Kellie flashed fluttered her eyebrows at the nice man, he let us keep it over Xmas and into New Year because we had both contracted Ebola and couldn't do much unpacking.  Not only did he let us keep it, he let us keep it free of charge.  Result.

So, January and a new year rolled around, and we have been busy.  Kellie between work and being fired, me between playing housewife and being injured, not to mention a horde of kids running around settling down and getting used to new routines.  Yes, we still have boxes to unpack, yes we still have to rummage in them if we need something specific, and yes, the chaos is getting to us both.  We've decided to swap Tam and the boys bedrooms around as her is bigger and the boys need more space.  Once that is done, then we can unpack the boys stuff and get the bedrooms finished.  Then it's finish the last couple of boxes in the living room, then our room, and voila!

The moral of this story - if something seems easy, don't SAY it'll be easy.  You will regret it.

And PS - that picture isn't me and Kellie, she loves me regardless ;)

So...

You may be forgiven for thinking either Aliens have had me away, Gravity shifted and I fell off.the world, or that miss Kellie had murdered me.

I'm happy to report that NONE of these events occurred, though I think with how manic everything is, it'd be easier!

I have a LOT to blog... A multitude of social events - including our Engagement Party. The madness of moving on together. My very new and very sexy mobile phone. Missing and moaning anointed the weather... Yes folks, it has been a mad few weeks... And Christmas is just around the corner. JOY!

So, watch this space, and I WILL get to flooding the blog sooner or later... Once I have some quiet time.

I'll pencil it in for 2013 ;)

Catching Up Still

Still trying to catch up with the "What's Been Occurring" posting, all while trying to stay awake...

Yes folks, in a shocking turn of events - not - your beloved blogger is knackered.  Tired, shattered, exhausted.  Yay for me!  Still, it's not all bad - I'm watching through Firefly again.  If you've never seen it, how very dare you.  Get hold of it and watch it!

So anyway, what else is happening.  Well, once again, I've torn through my garden, fighting the evils of Japanese Knotweed.  It's gotten to the stage where I'm kinda sorta getting used to it.  While it's alive and green it IS quite pretty.  Were it not for the "Growing Through the Fence and Pushing it Down" nor "Tearing Through the Shed Flooring" it wouldn't be so bad.  Not to mention that it is growing through the neighbours patio.  That's concrete, people...

Still, the garden isn't perfect, but it's now available for kids to roam into without getting eaten by the monsters at the end...

Meanwhile... Back on Canvey...

One evening, we were sat chilling out on the sofa.  It was one of the really really hot sweaty days, and the evening wasn't much better.  All the windows were open, and it was still hot.  We kept hearing something out back - fireworks and stuff - and with all the windows open it was reeeeeally annoying.

Ten minutes later, Dom comes flying down the stairs,"Call the fire brigade, Call the fire brigade!"

Turns out the sound we heard wasn't fireworks.  Some smart inbred git opted for setting fire to a garage full of rubbish.  Marvellous.  So, Kellie hits the 999 and calls for some hunky men to come running, I nip out and knock on the neighbours doors to make sure it's not their garage burning away.

Plus side, it wasn't the neighbours garage.  Down side, the little old lady next door was very worried, as her car was in the garage two away from the inferno.  Being a little old lady, she decided to run out to check.  Lucky for her, I was there and stopped her walking out into the black smoke.  Crazy old lady with lung problems in nasty black smoke.  Not good.

Within a few minutes, the Big Red Fire Engines arrived and started getting the fire out.  Kellie and one of her neighbours were in Kellies garden and much to their dismay, the firemen came in to talk to me.  Two young women, watching men in uniform and not close enough to be happy.

As it turns out, the smoke wasn't just nasty black smoke, the roof of the garage was actually Asbestos.  Nice.  Glad we stayed out of that too.  Little Old Ladys car was fine, though the fire did spread to another garage, they lads got the fire out nice and fast.

Now I'm dozing again, so more to follow :D

So Busy And Stuff!

So, you may have noticed that things have been somewhat... quiet... on here of late.  As usual, I DO have a good excuse.  Well, actually, I have several good excuses.

See, when things go quiet on here, it invariably means things aren't quiet in the physical world.  Usually, it's nothing bad, just sheer volume of stuff, but the last few weeks seem to have been MASSES of stuff going on.  Again, none of it is bad, but trying to keep up and keep on top of everything has been a mission of gargantuan proportions.

Let's see, I don't THINK I've posted since Houseageddon, so, here's the summary, all in no particular order...

-Bathroom & Toilet ripped out and replaced,
-Fathers Day,
-Running around with kids
-Dominics trip to Casualty,
-Gardening
-Garage Fire
-House Painting
-Kellies Work
-Kellies little brother having a baby!

So, last time we spoke, it was the house being destroyed.  I REALLY lost the plot, full on wanted to scream at someone.  People keep gobbing off with the "Oh but it's free stop moaning" but having apparently clueless people, dodgy dealers and all the rest of it running around your house... It tends to grate ;)

Thankfully it's all done now.  Kind of.  See, the bathroom is done, but the toilet has a leak.  Looks nice, but I have to keep mopping the floor.  But it's been fixed once already.  So something isn't right.  First two pictures are the BEFORE situation, the second two pictures are AFTER.

Kitchen is all done, but...  My fridge freezer has now blown up.

Dammit arse.

Fathers Day was in the middle of all the crazy to boot, and, me being me, I'm not one to have a fuss made of me.  However, several days before the 21st, I KNEW something was going on.  I didn't know what, but Kellie and the kids are about as subtle as a tactical nuclear explosion.

With a vuvuzela attached ;)

Sunday dawned, and I was presented with a cup of tea in bed (Awww) and then told to STAY UPSTAIRS!  OK, so the tea was to get me to keep my lazy arse in bed.  Worked too.  I got dressed then drank my tea till I was allowed down.

SIT ON THE SOFA was the next command, so I sat.  Four kids, One woman... Normally I would have gone kung-fu on their asses, but decided to leave them uninjured for the day.

So, despite not liking a fuss, the kids marched in, armed with cards and presents and lots of love and kisses and cuddles.  Including Dominic, who I now know reads this.

The kids got me (WITH ASSISTANCE, I should add!) lots of smellies and alcohol.  Dad and Stepdad cards.  All very lovely.

Then Kellie set to banging around in the kitchen, preparing an armys worth of food.  See, turns out earlier in the week, when her mum told me she was getting rid of her barbecue, and that Kellie could have it, she LIED.  To my face.  She was actually lending it to her so they could do me a barbecue for Fathers Day.

That day, I ate many pounds of meat.  Meat of Cow, Pig, Lamb, Chicken and Sausage.  I drank almost an entire bottle of Jagermiester and loads of Red Bull.

I had a lovely day.

However.

Later that day, I had to go take the kids back to Jo, rumbled into Basildon (loaded with food!), dropped the kids off, then headed back to Kellies.  Chatting to Kellie on the phone, we decided to get the kids to bed early, clear up the mess we'd made, then flop on the sofa and veg out with some more booze.  6pm I get back to her front door to be greeted by Kellie.

"We need to go to Casualty - Dom just fell off his bunk"

Now, Dom is 12 years old, and, like Jaysen, is SUPPOSED to be smart and clever.  However, wrapped in a towel, top bunk, gravity.... He fell, gravity did it's thing and Dom landed on his hand.  Splat.

Kellies mum nips over, and we shoot up to Basildon Hospital and surprisingly, he was seen, examined, x-rayed and treated in less than two hours.  The end result?

Pulled tendons, a hand splint and a sling.  Within 5 days, he was fine again, but still, he looked like a plank.

Right, I think for now, that is enough... I'm half asleep and really can't be arsed to sit and write loads more...

To be continued!!

Bodily Functions

The human body is an amazing thing.  Especially mine - at least, especially mine when you think it's still running after the years of being broken when I was a kid.

But, in general, the things it can do always fascinate me.  People climbing Everest, able to hold their breath and dive so deeply, let alone those that go through what the papers always call a "Horror Smash!" yet walk away from it.

However, at other times, the human body reeeeally has to make you wonder.  For instance, when you have company and you try to cough - and end up farting in front of everyone.  When you walk up or down stairs and your brain tells you there's an extra stair and you stumble.

Now - still on subject I should add - I have to say I have a cast iron bladder and concrete bowels.  I can hold pee for hours at a time, and not even realise I need to go.  I can go days without sitting on the loo causing an environmental disaster.

So, yesterday lunchtime, the fitter announces "If you need to go to the toilet, go now, as I'm taking the old one out"  Me being me, and feeling fine, answers with "It's all good, don't worry"

You can see where this is going can't you.

About thirty minutes later, I was busting for a pee.  Full on, need to go.  But, lucky for me an my cast iron bladder, I held it and held.  On top of that, having strangers in the house makes me really not want to use the loo.  Yes yes, I know...  Over the course of the next couple of hours, I managed to ignore it as best I could, then my bum said "You know what, I think I need to go too"

Oh my heck.

So, as he's having a few problems and it got really late, he finished and gave me a lift to the bus stop.  The bus journey was... Bumpy.  The from the bus stop to Kellies I walked as fast as I could, got in, said Hi to her and disappeared upstairs.

And all was good in the world.  Unless you're at sea, in which case, I apologise.

So being that they're STILL not done, I came back again this morning, left Kellies at the butt-crack of dawn, and almost made it to the bus stop when my body tapped me on the shoulder and said "I need a wee"

And my backside said "I need to go too"

Marvellous.

So, the bus journey back was bumpy again, and stop-start-stop-start due to stupid traffic from stupid people not able to let their stupid kids walk to school.  Jumped off the bus and sort of flew home.  Of course, the toilet is still not connected to running water.  It has a waste outlet, but no running water.

I kicked my door in, dropped my bag, ran into the kitchen and filled up two buckets.  Yes, running water.  Excellent fun.  Then I had to lug them upstairs, and put water in the pan.

It also occurred to me for a heartbeat, that there is no seat on the toilet yet.  I didn't care.

And now I feel much better.  I'm just glad there were no workmen here by the time I got in otherwise I'd be sitting here fidgeting ;)

So there you have it.  Mankind can scale Everest, dive to the depths of the Oceans - but if you take away their toilet, they lose the ability to control themselves!

Chaos (Day... er..)

I have clearly lost the plot.  I'm not sure what day I am on now, nor how many updates I've put out now.  I blame fumes from grout, paint, and lino.

As I write this, there is a man painting my kitchen.  Once he is done - I am SOOOO happy to report - the kitchen is DONE.  I suspect he's going to be here for most of the day, but hopefully he'll be done and done.

The bathroom and toilet, however, are not going quite as swimmingly as the kitchen (apparently) went.  The fitter is having a few issues with pipes, sizes, wonky walls, weird extra bits...  I am gradually losing the will to live ;)

PLEASE let it be done.  Pretty please.

With cherries.

The kitchen has almost been done a couple of times.  I spent forever re-stocking all the cupboards late last week.  Washing up everything I own, throwing out more shit I don't want, the trying to put it back into the cupboards in some sense of OCD-Tinged order.

I'm not sure it's still quite right to be honest, I am finding things aren't where I instinctively want them.

After I got everything into the kitchen and on the sides where I believed they should have gone, I was greeted by a boiler engineer to do my third annual gas check.  My third in a year.

Did I already write this?  Hmmm...

So, I had to clear the kitchen sides off for him so he could do his work, and make a mess everywhere.  So after he left, I had to do some more stuff again and re-re-arrange it all.  Which I almost got sorted.  Cooker back and Microwave rehomed.

Only to have to strip it all out again for the decorator to do his thing as well.  I'm currently sat at my dinner table surrounded by a mug tree, bread maker, cooking books, and random items sprawled around me.  I'm just soooo glad I didn't put my fridge freezer back earlier - that'd have to be moved again too.

Gah!

So, hopefully today is the last day of hassle, but I have a sneaking suspicion, it won't be.  There seem to be lots of problems upstairs with the plumbing, and while he's getting there, it's taking a while.  And there's still the loo to do.

Anyway, this kitchen picture is the almost done version... The next one should be the finished version.

The microwave and kettle/mugs are over at the back-right under the boiler.  Or at least, they have been/will be.  Plus the cooker is on the left in that gap.

As for the bathroom, so far there have been all sorts of problems.  Dodgy pipes, broken seals, tiles really attached to the wall, a bath being built INTO the room (and, thus, needing to be chiselled out).  He's had to take the door off to get around, and had to lay wood onto the floor boards being laying the new floor down.

All fun.

Bathroom, Pre-Rip out

Tiles out, new bath, old sink

New sink, Panel on, Tiling Started, New Floor

F$cking Ouch!

Fellow Man;
I come to you with a warning. A warning so important, it deserves to be spread around the world.

When chosing your new kitchen handles, consider the height of them. Especially if they are positioned directly at the sink where you stand. Especially if they are metal.

Nut Height, Crushing Metal... Capable of rending a man singing Soprano - and I was only washing out a mug.

You have been warned.

Chaos (Day 4)

I am happy to report, from the outset, that Mr Sparks is no longer present.  I cannot confirm or comment on whether or not he A) Finished his work, or B) Ended up under the patio.

But I digress.

The mess here is really really getting to me now.  Of course, I am also now at the point where I am losing the plot, not entirely sure which day it is, and whether or not I've missed something.  I was so stressed out again yesterday (Wednesday) that I spent the entire day ignoring the world and doing other stuff.  I even made a futile gesture at clearing up again.

Mr Sparks finished up Tuesday evening, but his legacy lives on.  The fitter downstairs keeps having to alter and adjust things to work around Sparks' errors.  Wonky sockets, misaligned conduit, sockets in the wrong places - DESPITE there being a plan to be followed.

With him out of the picture now, the fitter was able to crack on and just work.  In the space of a day, by Tuesday evening, he had built almost all the kitchen, replumbed it, worked around the conduit and sockets, and the bombsite looked like a kitchen once more...

Kitchen, 08/06/2010 @ 1800
Wednesday - missing Kellie as it was our Anniversary and I only got to spend a little time with her in the morning - I could be found upstairs, nose in laptop, trying to find something, anything to keep me from the mess around me.  Downstairs, I knew he was working hard, and every time I went back, it looked better and better.  By the time he was done, it was almost a kitchen again.  Tiles on the wall, units with doors (bar one, which they forgot to deliver!), washing machine back in place (not plumbed in though, just in case!) and pretty much looking like a kitchen.

Kitchen, 09/06/2010 @ 1730
All that remains in there now, is for the tiles to be grouted, the walls and ceiling to be painted, and then the appliances can go back in. Yes, the washing machine is wonky - I need to adjust the feet. Then it's handles on and I can set to getting some sense of normality back down there.

And then the bathroom/loo will be destroyed! Baby steps... That's all I keep thinking, baby steps and it'll be done.

Chaos (Day 3)

If one – just ONE more person tells me to stop moaning, to chill out and appreciate the fact I am getting a new kitchen, I swear next “new bathroom” I get will be part of my jail cell.

Yes, I understand completely that I am getting a new Kitchen, a new Bathroom, and a new Toilet.  Yes, I get that I am paying nothing for it, that my housing association are footing the bill and getting it all done for me.

I get that.

However, what I AM really unhappy, angry and pissed off about is the way this is being done.  Yesterday morning, men arrived on my doorstep armed with hammers and... well, pretty much just hammers.  There may have been a screw driver involved at some point, but for the most part, it was hammers.  Also with them was The Electrician, whom I shall refer to as Mr Sparks.

The two armed chaps came in and set to carnage.  Within a couple of hours, I had a pretty much empty room where I had a kitchen.  They’d left the sink in for me, but that was it.  They’d also torn off all the tiles (as planned) but in doing so, they’ve also torn the side off of the double glazing window that is in there.  And half the other side.

They chucked all the broken former-kitchen out on the front garden, said thanks, cya tomorrow – and left.  Leaving me with Mr Sparks.

Now, first off, I will say he’s a nice enough chap.  Except personality a good craftsman doesn’t make.  I am sure that what he is doing is as per every single standard in the book, but holy shit, I don’t have to like it.

He’s old.  I mean, he’s so old, he is struggling on my stairs, wheezing and coughing, plus he has a gammy knee.  He stops half-way up on some journeys to catch his breath.

You may ask “But Dan, why is he up and down the stairs if he’s doing your kitchen and bathroom?” Well, that’s a good question.  See, this whole chaos is thanks to the house needing to be rewired.  And now Mr Sparks has decided to do it and just get it over with.  So as of writing this on Tuesday morning, I have:

1. No Running Water;
2. No Electricity;
3. No Gas;
4. No Kitchen;
5. No Internet!!

As you can probably imagine, I am stressing.  You also cannot comprehend the level of chaos that has developed in this house since just yesterday.  See, it was bad enough, having to empty the kitchen, bathroom and toilet.  Most of the stuff from the kitchen is in the dining room and living room.  The stuff from the bathroom and loo is in the living room and Jaysens room. 

NOW on top of this, I have had to make all my electrical plugs, sockets and fixtures accessible to Mr Sparks, who, as I have mentioned before, is a bit... doddery.

He’s currently talking to himself in front of me...

Anyways, back to apparently moaning over nothing.

Having emptied the kitchen/bathroom/loo, I have now had to trash every room in my house.  EVERY ROOM.  I have had to partly-empty my fishtank in order to move it so he can get past it with some cabling.  I now cannot refill said-fishtank, as I still have no water.

And then, there are the smoke alarms.  Apparently, I have to have mains-operated smoke alarms.  So, silly me, thinking he’d run a wire from each light fitting to power them, I said yep, no worries, you go for it...  Only to find he’s put the top-floor one off centre of the ceiling, with conduit running from it, to the wall, then more conduit straight down the wall, THROUGH the skirting board and disappears into the floor...  Only to pop out the ceiling below, where he’s stuck the next one on the middle floor.  That one then also has conduit running across the ceiling, down the wall, and through the floor, into the ground floor, where it pops out the ceiling, and runs conduit across to the middle of the ceiling...

The kitchen is sort of sporadically conduited.  It comes in through the ceiling, follows along the edge between wall/ceiling, down the wall the just above the floor, then across the wall a few inches, where it stops, and more cable spills out of it.  Some cable goes straight up to a socket, the rest carries on along, disappearing in two feet of conduit, before reemerging, some goes up to a socket, the rest then hangs on the floor, and runs along the the floor, around a corner, disappears into a couple of feet of conduit, pops out the other end, of which some goes up to a socket and the rest carries on...

And here it gets a little weirder.  SOME of the wires are tucked behind my central heating pipes.  Some of the wires are hanging in front of the central heating pipes.  The then trail all along the floor and up into three more sockets.

As I write this, Mr Sparks is currently going through my house, removing, replacing or repairing sockets.  In a couple of places, he’s actually ADDING sockets as there is a distinct lack in this house.  The living room – where we are currently – has one double socket.  Two plug sockets.  Bare in mind, in here I have;

• TV
• Playstation
• DVD Player
• Stereo
• Fish tank (Light, Pump, Heater, Filter)
• Modem
• House phone
• Laptop

And they expect me to use TWO sockets.  So now I have four.  Which will mean slightly less in the way of extension leads/multi-plugs.

Joy.

Half of the people that have been telling me shut up and stop being ungrateful have now been told what is going on here – and they’ve made some comment about conduit being gross or lazy or whatever...  Helloooo I know this – hence my former pissing and moaning.

I KNOW, were it just the kitchen and bathroom, that yes, it’d be a bit chaotic for a while, and yes, it’d be dusty as hell.  I knew this.  But having the electrics sprung on me as well was bad enough.  Having a 900-year-old fossil do it is also something else.

I like and NEED to know plans.  If I plan for X Y or Z to be done,then X Y or Z being done keeps my OCD in check.  If they add A B and C to X Y and Z then I start to struggle.  The dust everywhere was bad enough, the mess is enough to make me want to cry...  And the WORST thing is, there’s absolutely NO point in cleaning it up, as it’s all still being ripped, torn, hammered and sawn.  Any clearing up I do will be undone within minutes.  Last night, I had to do SOMETHING, so took to sweeping at the dust and toot all over the floor...  It reappeared pretty soon after...

Once Mr Sparks is done with whatever he’s doing in whatever room he wants to trash, I am going to rip it apart, chuck out anything that is pissing me off, wipe down everything as best I can, then sit, breathe and ignore the world.  I’m done with saving junk on the off chance I will need it, I’m done with the organised chaos, and I’m done with having to move random junk.  Once the kitchen is done, everything I own is getting washed up again before being put away too ;)

So anyway, this post is taking me ages to write – I’m actually writing it in Notepad as my electric is still off, plus I am up and down and up and down answering questions, or moving things, or trying to ignore certain things.  Once everything is done with the refit and they send out the chaps to see what’s been done and if I have any problems, I will be pointing out everything I don’t like, and ask if they’d have it in their house, or if they can do anything to make it better...  Otherwise, 0ddness will be getting a rather lot of photos published to it of shoddy workmanship.

I am sure once it's all done, it will be excellent and wonderful and perfect.  I am sure that it will look bloody amazing and I will live in my kitchen forever more... But for the time being, I want it done yesterday.

Kitchen, 08/06/2010 @ 0800

Kitchen, 08/06/2010 @ 1030

Chaos (Day 1 & 2)

I don't do Chaos very well.  Organised Chaos I can handle - I live with odds and sods all around me, but I know where everything is, where it belongs, where it should be and so on...

Several weeks ago - and I actually forgot to blog this - I had a man come to my house to check my electrics.  He was here for hours, testing the circuits, prodding sockets, licking batteries...  OK, maybe not the latter, but none the less, he was a busy boy.

Eventually he gave one of those "Well Guv'" type-sighs, and told me in no-nonsense English, that my electrics were shot.  Dangerous, even.  There's no earthing to speak of, there are faulty sockets, damaged lights, there should be mains-powered smoke alarms.  Great.

He tells me that I should get a re-wire, new circuit, new breaker unit, sockets replaced...  Etc etc.  But, first off, he was going to get someone in to get my Earthing sorted out first.  A week or so later, another man comes along, rummages around my plumbing, and gives me that same "Well Guv'" conversation as to how my bathroom and kitchen plumbing is shot too.  Leaky, rusty, old, shit...  So before he does the re-earthing, he wants to get a carpenter in to take out my kitchen cupboard, so he can get to the pipes to replace them, so the electrician can get the wire sorted.

So, ANOTHER man turns up, only this time, he's in a suit.  Uh Oh.  He sits in my kitchen, drinking a cuppa, and tells me that by the time they've torn things out and put them right, I might as well have had a new kitchen and bathroom.

So here, have a new kitchen and bathroom.

Ooookay then. 

I get a call a while later telling me that on Monday June 7th, there would be lots of men in and out my house destroying it.

So yesterday, I set to getting all the kitchen cupboards and draws emptied, binning all the old shit that has accumulated, and relocated it to to where ever there was space.  That is, around the rest of the house.  My dining room currently has most of the stuff from inside all the cupboards - plus the fridge freezer, washing machine and microwave.  The stuff from the bathroom and toilet are now in my living room.

As I write this, there are two men down in my kitchen with hammers and chisels, tearing out my kitchen units, ripping the tiles and electrics out...  It's noisy - holy crap is it noisy - and there is crap everywhere. 

To make things even MORE amusing for your erstwhile author, the electrician has turned up as well, and tells me "we've been trying to get in here for months mate"  I point out, er, hellooooo, your electrician from your company are the ones that started all this, and the kitchen/bathroom was to be sorted first...  He smiles and says, well, we'll see if we can't get you rewired.

AT THE SAME TIME.

So, currently, I have two men tearing things out, and an electrician measuring the kitchen for new sockets and light fitting.  Later, a plumber may arrive, as well as a decorator.

And so far, no one has been in the bathroom.

Pray for me ;)

Kitchen, 07/07/2010 @ 0725