It's A Bit Damp...

OK, I admit and pre-warn you, this is likely to end up as a rant... I've been clearing up all morning, so am now tired and sore and cranky as f$ck and have been thinking about a lot of this over and over and over...

That said. You may have noticed - and I don't know if it has been touched on by any international news outlets - but the UK is currently in the path of storms. Storm after storm after storm. It has been very wet and very windy.

The Jet-Stream, they say, is pushing damp air in one way, then hitting cold air, and the end result is rain. Or something.

Is it global warming? One group is pointing at it and screeching about Carbon Dioxide and Man-Made climate change, and shit being churned out... Another group is harping on that there is proof that this sort of thing happens and it's just part of the global cycle. We shan't touch on the lunatics blaming gay marriage, equal opportunities, free love, sin or anything falling under the umbrella of "Gods Wrath!" because, you know, they are mad.

So we shall leave that alone. Suffice to say, it's definitely not normal. Not here, and not in many other parts of the world. Parts of the US & Canada are getting ice storms and snow storms and all sorts of cold stuff. Australia is currently cooking and drying out like a worm on the pavement in the summer. Parts of the Middle East are suffering drought. Monsoons have failed. It's all pretty shit.

But to come back home, where our issue is some wind and rain and very large, deep puddles...

It just seems like everyone is blaming everyone else, yet NO ONE is taking responsibilities for their own actions or their own choices or decisions, and THAT is what is pissing me off.

Compared to the other weather-issues around the world, things are not that bad - not really. Would you rather have a foot of water in your lounge - that you were warned was coming - or a raging torrent wash your entire house away? More worried your fields are under water, or not have had rain for so many months nothing you plant is going to grow. And a lot of it is now involving finger pointing and politics, and all sorts of crap.

First off, all the farmers are raging mad because their livestock is wet, their fields are flooded, and they can't make a living. But hang on...

For years, farmers have been cutting down bushes, hedgerows, trees, woods, forests - anything in their way to prevent them making bigger and bigger fields, or clearing places for their sheep to have lunch or whatever.

You know - trees and stuff - those things that, say, drink a shit load of water on a daily basis. If they hadn't cleared land on a bigger and bigger and bigger scale, things might not be quite so bad.

Then there are the people that live on the coast where the storms have landed. Over the years, sea levels has risen, and sea defences have been built up higher and higher. Then, they got to a point where lots of people that live on the sea front realised that their "Scenic Coastal View" was going to be blocked by the new, higher sea wall. They wrote petitions, formed committees, took their problems to the local government and generally protested their little hearts out that the new wall was detrimental to their view, that tourists coming to see their seaside town would stop coming, and so the higher wall was a BAD thing.

Cue the higher, stronger sea going over the sea wall and flooding their little town. "Ooooh if only there were a better sea defence, if only we had a higher sea wall, we're now flooded, so no tourist is going to come here..."

Irony?

The people that have built their houses beside a cliff edge - they get an honourable mention because when the news teams are filming that lovely house going over the edge of the cliff after the waves have obliterated them - why does everyone look so surprised?

And there are the people screaming and shouting and hollering, saying the flooding would have been prevented had their river been dredged "like we have been telling them for years!" Cue then the news helicopter showing the dozens of square miles under three or four feet of water. Now, forgive my mathematics, which was never very good, but I don't think taking a few feet of mud out of a river would have made THAT much more space to prevent eight gazillion gallons of spilling onto the fields.

"BUT it wouldn't have been as bad!" people cry. No, you are right, it wouldn't have been so bad. Instead of twelve square miles being under four feet of water, it'd be twelve square miles under two feet of water.  Much better.

I sometimes think I was the only person in my Science lesson on the day we did the water cycle... Water evaporates off the sea. Clouds roll inland. Clouds reach a point and drop water. Water then goes in different directions - some across land and into the brooks, streams then rivers, to flow back to the sea; some is absorbed by the land, and drains into the water table and aquifers to be used as a water source; some is absorbed by trees and plants...

But there are issues with this now... The rivers have been changed and altered by humans, they've been made straighter and deeper, the sides have been increased. The area around these lower areas are called Flood Plains... Can you tell where that name comes from? And no, it's not because they are quite plain. And this flood plain, which is now walled off from the river becomes a housing estate. Then a village. Then a town. Tarmac, concrete, cement, bricks... This place where the water would usually be absorbed is now a brick-covered sponge, so the water runs straight into the river. For good measure, the towns drainage system now ALSO dumps into the river.

The moors and forests have been hacked, chopped, burnt and generally buggered, so the water that would usually be absorbed here has no where to go. With so much extra water, it just runs down hill, across the big flat open farmland, and dumps straight into the river.

Water + Water + Water + Rain = Lots and Lots of Water

It's not rocket science, and the big strong walls they built to hold the deeper, wider, man-buggered river are actually not that strong. So the Not-So big strong walls go pop and leak all over the flood plain.

Did I say flood plain, sorry, it's a TOWN now. Covered in tarmac and concrete and cement and bricks - so the water that would usually slowly ebb away has precisely zero places to go.

Let's put it another way that people might understand - less sciencey. Think of it in terms of supply and demand.

• The clouds are our supply;
• They piss water all over us because of the demand - the trees and plants and grassland and forests and all the brooks and streams and rivers and flood plain;
• The clouds aren't too smart, so they will supply regardless of the demand;
• Take away MORE demand - cut down trees and forests, build over everything that could absorb water, get rid of the waterways - and you have a surplus;
• That surplus is what us common folk refer to as "a f$cking great flood"

And so with swathes of our country under water, the next logical step is for everyone to blame everyone else. Take some bloody responsibility.

AND! Why is it that every politician and semi-important spod decides to put on their wellies and go take a look?! The Prime Minster has been, the other bloke from the opposite side of Parliament... Wallace, I think, from the Wallace & Grommit movies. The bloke next in line to the throne who will never get there at this rate - he turned up, on the back of a tractor trailer. They all look around, all with their "Grr serious" faces on, listening to the locals rant about their soggy sofa, damp sheep, waterlogged cows, overflowing pond, and whatever else they are screaming about...

Then there is "Social" Media, where people are sharing a photo with a caption like "Share this picture to show your support for the wet blokes down south" Aw that's nice, I am sure a picture of a flood being shared is doing SO much for everyone. "Click Like if you think more should be done to help those affected by Noahs Flood" Aw yes, over twelve thousand people have liked a picture.

Those people with a new pool where their downstairs used to be are SO lucky to have so many likes and shares...

So whats being done?

Well, the Army is involved now (though I think the Navy would SURELY have been a better help) and they are doing the same as the others, standing around, scratching their heads, pulling a boat of cold old ladies and their little shivering dogs.

Then there are the water pumps everywhere, pumping the water from one place to another... Very helpful. It must be that well trained water that knows it's not allowed back where it came from.

There are the councils that are now charging residents for sandbags. That's nice and properly in the spirit of things.

People are trying to work together to rebuild sea walls and river walls, using whatever they have to hand, but you have to wonder... If a properly-built wall didn't stand up to That Wet Weather A Few Days Back, I'm not convinced a wall of sandbags, bricks and mounds of rubble will do the job - especially as there are about a thousand more storms building in the Atlantic and heading our way.

My personal favourite is watching the bloke on the news stand in the middle of a town-come-lake with a somber face on, talking about how these devastating floods will have effects that last for many months, and how worried the residents are - followed by a group of worried residents to go rushing past in the background, laughing and shouting and playing in the water, body boarding, riding their bikes through it, and generally having a proper fun time of it.

Of course, I also can't help but think they should be aware that the flood waters are also churning out every flushed poo living in the sewers, mixing them in with all that water... Yum, enjoy your norovirus.

I hate to say it, but this is our doing. I don't mean me and mine - granted we might flush the toilet a lot, but I don't think you can blame us exactly. I mean "OUR" doing, as in, us people. We've cut, and built, and developed, and blocked, and removed, and diverted - all in the name of progress. But with all that progress, no one seemed to take into account what might happen if - like now - things got a little wetter than usual.

And even now, our councils and our governments continue to change their minds about protected land and greenbelt land, and regardless of what us, the people, have to say about it, woods become housing estates. Parks and lakes become housing estates. Forests and Nature Reserves become housing estates. And the water has no where to go.

Another day in science clearly everyone else missed. Water will pretty much go where ever the hell it wants. It's stronger than us, more powerful than us, has the ability to piss people off whether it's falling out the sky or bubbling out the ground or washing around our private parts. People hate it if it's too hot or too cold. Neither us, nor our local leaders, nor our government, nor out planet - none of us can tell water to get stuffed and stop being such a dick. If it wants to come and play in our towns, it bloody well will. If it wants to rearrange the coastline, it'll do that too. If it wants to piss off and dry out your entire country, hell, it'll do that as well. Whatever water does, it's in the wrong. Just think, it wasn't THAT long ago that everyone in the UK was crying out for more water to prevent a hosepipe ban and drought.

Water grants your wish, and you're not happy.

No more news or social media for me for a while.

/endrant

Hi-Ho Silver, Away!

So, after what feels like eternity, I am finally getting my arse back to that lovely place that we refer to as "Devon"

Ok, so it is actually called Devon, but my statement is technically correct.

None the less, in less than three hours, we will begin the trek to the South West. A gorgeous, beautiful place that... Oh, is about it face the brunt of a massive storm.

Should be fun.

We're going for a week, and this time we're taking ALL the kids. Yes folks, I will be trying to control Dom, Jaysen, Kellie, Molly and Tamsyn into London, then on to Devon.

You see why a hurricane-force storm is no bother to me now, right?

I'm using the rule of thumb that an 80% survival rate for them is pretty good, but I'm willing to let that number drop, depending on how good they l are...

Plans for the week include "not much" "very little" and "sod all" but I also want to explore parts of the moors, eat copious amount of Steak & Stilton baguettes, sample the local breweries, and generally be out and about. Pain & Energy Levels permitting.

Usually before I travel for any real distance, I like to take it easy for a few days in the run up, as travelling and me do NOT go well together. It hurts, it exhausts, and it stresses me out of my brain. This week, however, I feel like I've hardly stopped, and even after being in bed for several hours, I'm in effing agony.

With drugs, I should add.

Saturday was a manic bloody day :-(

And to add to my misery, the clocks went back last night (I say last night, I've been awake since half three, it's now half five... "Tonight" would be more accurate) and while people say "Oh this is the GOOD one, we gain an hour" it's actually horse crap if you're an Insomniac. Forward or Back, it sucks when you can't sleep.

Back: You aren't sleeping, it's all shit. And you watch the clock go Midnight, 0100, 0200 then clicks back to 0100, then 0200, 0300... ANOTHER hour of not sleeping!

Forward: You aren't sleeping, it's all shit. And you watch the clock go Midnight, 0100, 0200 then it clicks forward to 0300, then 0400, 0500... An hour GONE that you will never get back and have lost sleep.

But I digress.

As is usual when in the wilds of Devon, phone sign is, shall we say, a bit naff. Inside the cottage and it's three-feet-thick walls, there is zero signal. Zip. Nada. Outside it comes and goes, depending on where I am on Dartmoor. Luckily, inside the cottage, I will have WiFi, so if you want to chat, install WhatsApp.

Side Note: Do not bother with BBM for Android. It's rubbish, slow, doesn't run well, doesn't actually communicate with every BlackBerry user (which is a joke really) and generally sucks. Honestly, if you want something like it on either iPhone or Android, install WhatsApp or Kik Messenger. BlackBerry needs to realise they are past it, over the hill and crap. There's a reason it's popular with kids... Because they should be counted as a toy.

Anyways, yes, Devon.

I'll probably post the odd photo on my blog or through Instagram... I'll have my laptop too so if I'm indoors vegging out, I may even play some Warcraft or Diablo.

Assuming the storm doesn't knock out the power down there which is quite likely, apparently. Sitting in the quiet, by candle light, with nothing to do except read or talk? WOW the kids are in for a shock!



(Posted from my Sony Xperia Z - excuse typos, strange formatting and similar oddities)

Bloody Weather!

A wise man once said, "Oh, the weather outside is frightful..." and he couldn't have been more correct. However, the one caveat to this phrase was that he was singing about the middle of winter.

WINTER, dammit. Snow, Ice, Sleet, Hail, Sub-Zero temperatures... Three or four days ago, it was "officially" the first day of spring. Since then, it's been sodding freezing, and we've had snow and sleet almost constantly.

Considering Summer 2012 was a wash (literally) I was hoping that by March/April time, the weather would have picked up, the sun would be shining, and everything would be very Hallmark-Easter-Greeting-Card-Esque.

Is it f$ck.

If there are any spring lambs, they won't need slaughtering and freezing - they're probably laying dead in the fields already. The frost and snow has killed my daffodils and - ironically - my snowdrops.

So, Mother Nature, enough with the stupid shit. I'm done with winter. I've been done with winter for the last six weeks. Bring on the sun, the warmth and the bunnies frolicking in the fields, not snow ploughs, snow drifts and snow men!

Huff.

And Newsflash! The Fence is getting fixed in April!

No Wonder We Panic

For the last few winters, I've noticed a strange thing... People get worried, stressed, and on the verge of panic because of a bit of snow. As a kid, winter would roll around, mum would get in the usual amount of shopping, and when the snow floofed down...

Nothing. Nothing bad happened. The roads were usable, the schools were open, the shops were open... Some people got in an extra loaf of bread, some got in additional milk, but for the most part, life carried on.

Now, however, the forecasters predict snow two, three, even four weeks in advanced, and it's on the TV, the radio, the news covers it, Facebook and Twitter is awash with it... Week before last, the news was on, and the weather report made an actual segment of the news for the impending "Arctic Conditions"... Three weeks of heavy snow they stated. Weeks of chaos. Blizzards. Twelve inches or more of snow.

All due to start a week from this report.

A week later? Nothing. No snow, no ice... It was a bit chilly, but nothing.

A week after that - Monday just gone - and still nothing. Then, we were told Wednesday it would snow. Then Thursday. Now today, Friday, we have snow. Just a little bit. A dusting, I believe would be the best description.

For the last 48 hours, however, the news has been filled with terms that I am sure are simply there to incite us, to make us worry and panic and stress out. They alternate the measurements system too - originally, it was "Six to Twelve inches" whereas now, it's "Five to ten centimetres" 

Let's face it, if they were to stick to the same measurement and told the truth, five centimetres is two inches. Two. However, the big NUMBER at the front of the measurement is what people see.

The headlines are filled with words like "Panic" and "Chaos" and "Hell" and "Fears" and suchlike. People run out to the shops and grab loads of bread and milk and stuff... But unless you live in the countryside - the shops are open most of the time. Seven days, mostly, and a lot of you probably live near 24 hour shops.

So why grab all the bread and milk you can, why you can - worst case - slip and slide down to the nearby shop and grab a loaf.

I suspect the press fill their reports with all these "scary" buzzwords for the simple fact that in general, it wouldn't make interesting news. "Snow Expected" isn't nearly as catchy as "Britain Braced For Snow Chaos!" and people wouldn't read it and think "Oh CRAP! Must update Facebook and buy thirty pints of bread or twenty loaves of milk!"

If people would just sit, and chill out, and breath a little, they'd realise that in fact, it's not a lot of snow, if you drive according to the conditions you'll be fine, that the shops are all still open... Don't play into their hands, don't worry or stress or anything else... It's just snow. In the winter. Just like happens every winter and has done so every winter since winter was invented back in 1822.

Let It Snow (ish)

So, once again, Jolly Old Blighty has received a scattering of snow. Not a lot mind you, but considering it was clear at 3am this morning, to be written by Kellie at half seven with a girlie "oooooh look out the window" followed by the kids willing the schools to be shut...

I like the snow - I love it in fact - but for starters, I like SNOW! Not, for all intents and purposes, what can be conducted a thick frost. Which Kellies brain told her it was first thing.

I love it when, due to a foot or three of snow, everything slows down. Not when half an inch stops buses and shuts schools.

I have a love/hate relationship with how our country "copes" and "deals" with the white stuff. It both cracks me up and pisses me off to see the chaos it causes.

Am I any better than the people struggling to cope, apparently as it seems I am struggling to cope with The People. But if they can moan about the weather, I can moan about them.

To put it into perspective how bad this weather ISN'T... I am writing this blog post while walking into town...

However.

Those of you of a female persuasion: Those designer Ugg Boots you HAD to have and wear all summer... They had sod-all grip to start with. The fact you're slipping and falling on your arse proves this. Those of you with soaking wet backsides - either you have the same issue, or need to see a  doctor.

Fast.

Also: women wearing their pyjamas or WORSE, a Onesie, while in a school run... Stop it, please. Essex already had a bad name, you lot stood outside the school gate puffing away on your cancer sticks, huddling and shivering in you PYJAMAS in the SNOW... Get a sodding grip.

So, I've now arrived at the opticians, dry, intact, and the snow is almost gone.

Watch this space for the next time wild weather strikes and strangles the country.

Physics-Defying!

I am a man of Science. What goes up usually comes down, light travels at a certain speed, this chemical plus that chemical usually results in a loss of eyebrows, and gravity makes things go downwards.

Yes, there are probably those of you in the audience that are wiggling your glasses, hurrump'ing loudly, and are about to start a sentence with the word "Aaaaactually......"

However, when it comes to the good ol' United Kingdom, we are generally confused and bemused by the weather. "SNOW? In the dead of winter?! How surprising!" or "Goodness, isn't the sun hot during the HEIGHT of summer!"

But that is not the point of this post. No, this is due to someone posting an amusing picture on my Facebook wall.

You see, I am childish and purile. We all saw the incident with the pair-of-onions-and-a-courgette, and how much I cackled at the surname Wankum yesterday. Well, if phallic imagery makes you giggle, check this:

hehehehe penis...

Sue put it on my wall with the following information:

Given what amused you yesterday, I came across this photo of an icicle which appeared magically overnight in our bird bath during the last really cold spell we had. House brick gives the scale and there are no overhanging branches which may have made it grow stalagmite style.

So, given that it was formed simply by the sheer amount of cold, nothing was dripping down on it and it's a good, what? Four inches at least (*snigger*) can any of you suggest HOW it formed? Especially, the knobbly bit on the end tickles me...

Come on Junior Scientists - how does ice grow UPWARDS, against gravity?!

Weather Solidarity

In light of the devastation faced in Scotland by Hurricane Bawbag, may I share my sympathies with you. After our serious weather warnings last night, we woke up to find our garden destroyed.

Our thoughts are with you all in these trying times.

Deadly Weather!

British weather is notoriously shit. I don't mean Moonsoon/Hurricane/Blizzard shit, I mean that we are a world renowned damp country.

To be honest, it's not that fair a stereotype. Yes, Winter & Spring ARE wet, but then, that's because it's winter and spring. Our summers are occasionally a bit damp, but for the most part, we have quite nice summers. I know there are some of you out there that moan about the heat, but get over it.

Many years ago, we had a massive storm system that many referred to as a Hurricane, but some technicality in how it was formed (or something) means it wasn't, just hurricane force winds. Lots of stuff was knocked down and blown away. Masses of devastation - house, trees, small pets (I imagine)...

Personally, I slept through it. Kellie was on a plane flying through it.

When the weather is particularly bad over here, it makes the news. Every now and then, a tornado will appear somewhere and make the headlines, and "freak weather conditions" will dump a shed-load of snow on one little area, but for the most part the weather over here is a British past-time. We talk about it, we discuss it, generally we complain about it... Too much of one kind of weather, not enough of another kind - until the other kind arrives, then that's too much. And so on.

I'm not even going to start on two inches of snow bringing the country to a grinding halt every winter.

So imagine my surprise last night, when my cousin retweeted a severe weather warning from TORRO - the Tornado & Storm Research Organisation. No, let me rephrase that.

Imagine my surprise when she retweeted a fricking Tornado Warning from TORRO.

Now, we'd already heard that the wind was going to pick up, and it was going to be wet from late evening till the early hours, but to get upgraded to "Look Out, You're Going To Die" is a whole new ballgame.

There are two points to this post that I've already covered. The first is obviously the weather - that is the key point here. The second, however, has been a subtle undertone.

That of us being British.

You might not like us, you might think we're snobby or aloof, but stuff like this is our bread and butter. Cities destroyed in the war? Keep Calm & Carry On. Mad Cow Disease? Just burn all the cows. Swine Flu panic? Meh, it's just a cold.

And so on and so on.

Last week, Scotland got hit by equally wild weather. They were being blown left, right, centre and up their kilts. Gusts of 160mph. Scary stuff. Hundreds of millions of pounds of damage. And what did the Scots do? They nicknamed it Hurricane Bawbag which is Proper English, is Hurricane Ballbag.

Why? No idea.

And what has been one of the most popular storm-related videos relating to their mental winds? Has it been a roof torn off a building and thrown across another? Has it been a tree fall and smashing into a bus full of children?




We tend to just get over it.

So anyway, back to the Tornado Warning.

You may be wondering how we deal with tornadoes over here in Blighty, and that is a very good question. I saw the message on twitter and thought "Wow..." and promptly ordered a curry, and Kellie & myself sat and watched House all evening.

The rest of the county NOT on Twitter? To be honest, they probably didn't know about it. We don't get the emergency services driving by slowly with a loudspeaker giving advice or warnings, there was no emergency broadcast, no sirens...

I suspect most people had the same response as me to be honest... "Pfft right..."

Doesn't matter that this information came from real scientists. Doesn't matter that precisely ZERO of our properties are tested against Tornadoes. Most Brits think the same way.

We went to bed around midnight, and it was windy. The house was shuddering with each gust, you could hear the deep humming noise of it blowing down the chimney, the noise of leaves being blown down the street, and torrential rain hammering against the windows. I took my meds, Kellie fell asleep, I read for a while, dozed off...

Typical night with Mother Nature providing the soundtrack. Didn't even need to put on my rain-noise-maker thing to help me sleep!

This morning, the sun is shining. There are no reports on the news of any "devastation" and the only thing on the local news is "Essex braces for more high winds"

Was there a real likelihood of tornadoes? I don't know. I suppose scientifically there was a good just, with the right conditions in the right places, but I imagine trying to predict the weather is like...

Well, predicting the weather I suppose.

Things To Get You Wet...

Being that this is the United Kingdom, and being that it's the tail-end of summer, the weather is pretty wonky.  To be fair, it has been pretty wonky all summer long, and "damp" is probably being quite generous.

Last weekend, the future-0dd-mother-in-law (she that irons pillowcases) took us to something different... You Americanos might scoff, but Open Air Cinema is not something that is a regular occurrence in these parts.  For reasoning, see paragraph one.  However, Diane had managed to book tickets to see Avatar on one of the local nature reserves. Blanket, coat, picnic, flask o' tea, sorted...

All was booked for Saturday.

Friday afternoon, she comes to collect Molly, and my laptop is open, displaying the weather - not through any sneaky reasons, it just happened to be on my homepage. Friday night, rain. Saturday daytime, occasional rain. Saturday night, rain and wind.

Diane: "Oh, I don't think that weather is right, the one I looked at said it'd be nice Saturday"
Me: "Really? The three I've seen today have all said rain for tomorrow..."
Diane: "But the BBC Weather..."
Me: "That's the BBC Weather you're looking at..."
Diane: "Oh... Maybe it's wrong then. We'll go by the weather report I saw yesterday."

Now, you may be forgiven in thinking this is a conversation with Kellie, but at least you can see A) Where she gets it from, and B) What I have to put up with...

So, Saturday dawns, I check the weather, and it's still showing rain for tonight. It IS, however, quite warm, so I throw shorts on and a jumper, and after Kellie purchases the worlds supply of food (bearing in mind, we're going for an evening) we set about making the picnic.

Diane comes and gets us, and the sky is, shall we say, a very interesting shade of grey.  Rainy Cloud Grey, you might call it... And we head off to Canvey. Five minutes before the arrive at the Canvey Marshes, it starts to rain a little bit.  "It's only drizzle, don't worry..." she says.

We get in, and are told to sit where we like.  I should also point out at this point, that I am carrying two packs of food, five chairs, and a blanket.  Pack Mule Dan.  We decide where to sit in relation to the inflatable screen, pop the chairs up and....

Down comes the rain.  Proper, wet, blown-by-the-strong-wind rain.  Kellie and Diane are wearing their waterproof coats, as are the kids.  I don't own a waterproof coat. Diane produces a sheet of tarpaulin for the kids to hide under, and gives me a brolly.  A brolly, I should add, that is very wonky, and pretty much stood in front of me so I don't get wet - the rain is coming down horizontally.

And it is pissing down.  Full on raining.

For SOME reason, the field starts to fill up, despite the pouring rain.  One group pop up a little tent, and Diane has the cunning plan of calling Jon (The future-0dd-step-father-in-law) and getting him to bring THEIR tent.  Fifteen minutes, he says he'll be. So Mother & Daughter run off to wait "by the car" which I am still certain translates to "Sit In The Warm Dry Car"

Rainbow!

They were missing for about 45 minutes. Me and the kids were sat in the rain trying not to drown.  Then slowly, it petered out and stopped properly raining, and just spatter-rained.  Off to one side, a really bright rainbow puts in an appearance - brighter than it appears in this photo - and we oooh and aaah at that. My legs are soaked, my boots are soaked (but dry on the inside, thank you Karrimore!) and, 0ddly, my arms are soaked.  Dom & Molly have soaked coats, Molly has soaked everything in fact because she kept getting out from under the tarp, and Dom has just minorly damp jeans.

Then eventually, Mother & Daughter roll back into the field.  Watching the two of them put up the "tent" was most amusing with the wind, but they didn't need my help.  And when I say "tent" I mean "Windbreak That Is Questionable In Its Waterproofness"  There are also no pegs, so we decide to weigh it down.

Kids Cowering Sheltering

With the kids.

They are thrown in there along with their couple of bags (which contain blankets) and their food is poured in, their flasks of hot chocolate handed to them, and we sit.

Being that Smart Moi is in shorts, I'm a bit chilly, so have a cuppa and put Kellies woolly jumper on my legs - she's got a thick coat on which doesn't do up with the jumper under it.  So, claimed.

The movie, it turns out, can't come on yet.  Too bright. Have to wait for the Burning Orb That Is The Sun to go do, which, just to take the piss, is now out and mocking us with it's warmth.  "Here you go, warm up, because I'm doing a running in a minute just under the horizon!"

I'm stood up now, I figure that if I move around a bit, I'll warm up in no time. So, I'm up, effectively dancing on the spot trying to get some of that warm blood-stuff in my body to do it's circulatory thing and take warmth all around my body.  As much as I wanted to see the movie, I didn't want to watch the movie while suffering from hypothermia.

Of course, I am sure the others would have found it highly amusing. But I refuse to die for the amusement of others.

A Very pretty Sunset

SLOW-as-you-like, the sun starts to fall out of the sky, but, being that I am ever-so-eagle eyed, I spy the fresh bank of big, dark, ominous, wet-looking clouds that are looming on the horizon.

And to make matters worse, they are approaching with alarming speed.  I point see them, turn, point them out to those that care listening, and turn back, only to see them much much closer now.

Being that the sunset is quite pretty, I take several photographs of it. One, because I am still up and about doing the random-dance in order to get a teeny bit warmer, and two, because I wanna.

All this time - despite the previous, current, and expected weather - people are turning up into this sodding field, setting up their camping chairs and tents and blankets and picnics and everything else, and all I can think of is that I've accidentally joined some Camping Cult that, at the end of the field, will simultaniously commit suicide by throwing itself on a sharpened Thermos Flask.

Bane of my Life...

Well not this person, nu uh.  The movie is yet to start (Avatar, remember - nearly three hours of blue giants running around) and already I am cold and damp.  Figuring this may be my last day on earth, I get a photo of those responsible for my untimely demise for the forensic teams to use should the need arise.

Hopefully the poor couple behind us will be helped by this photograph being published too...

After a few minutes of taking this photo, the heavens opened (again) and I scurried for my chair/jumper/brolly combo.  With the kids in the tent, however the tarpaulin was now free. As was the blanket.

I get a bit of both in an effort to stay warm (ish) and dry (ish) and to see what's happening on the screen.  Oh yes, plus I wear glasses so they are covered in water as well.

Kellie hears the word "Free" and is off like a shot, and around us, I see people donning what appear to be Medical Waste Bags. Over here in the UK, our rubbish is categorised by the colour of the sack it's placed in, and as far as I could see, everyone around us was donning medical waste bags - bright yellow rubbish sacks.  They were giving these away for free, so Kellie grabbed one and made suggested I put it on to help stay dry.

Still no movie, I should add.

Now, dear reader, you should try to picture me.  I am sat in a field. Wearing shorts and boots. Part of my legs are covered in a greenish jumper. Part of my body is wrapped in a blue blanket. Another part of my body is wrapped in striped tarp. I am also wearing a hooded yellow plastic bag. And sunglasses.  AND I'm shivering like a little dog in a public place.

THEN Kellie hands me some food.  THAT was easy to eat...

Finally we have some form of movement from the organisers, and a lady comes on the loudspeaker and thanks us all for braving the weather - there are four HUNDRED people sat in this field. She goes on about some of the stuff the RSPB (Royal Society for the Protect of Birds) do on the marshes, and then gets the film going.

Almost - first there's the ten minute random clips of random critters - prolly making sure the projector hadn't been washed away I suppose.

Now it's virtually dark, and Avatar goes on.  Most people cheer.  My teeth chatter. Saves on energy chewing the cheese sandwich I suppose.

AND the rain stops!  It's still bloody windy, BUT the rain has stopped!

I love Avatar.  I think it's a brilliant movie (even if it is just Pocahontas with blue people) but can't help notice how cold I am.  And such is my shivering, that Kellie notices too.  The entire blanket is bundled around me, the jumper is wrapped around my legs, but I am still made to wear the clinical waste coat.  Tea is pushed my way, as is food and sweeties, but I remain shivering for the entire movie.  Proper full-on whole-body juddering.  I've gotten damp, and now the wind is blowing through me and stealing my body heat, so I am a coooold Dan...

I am good - I don't check a watch nor a clock nor a phone - I just go with it. I'm enjoying the movie, and after all how often do you get to sit in a marsh in the black of night watching a film on a blow-up cinema screen while soaked to the skin and shivering in the blowing rain all while eating a picnic.

In September.

The last scene in the movie flashes on the screen for it's two-seconds, but already I am up, out and moving.  I am packing up, clearing up, folding up and generally grabbing whatever belongs to us.  I NEED to get to the car and I NEED to get that heater on.

Like the wind that has been gnawing at me all evening, I am moving like a thing possessed, and do believe we packed up quicker than it took us to dump everything out.

No sooner are we back in the car and the engine is warm, I've got the vents aimed at me, full heat, full force.  But I'm dead on the inside. My body is all gross and corpsified, and the journey home doesn't warm me up.  By the time we get in, it's nearly 11pm. Kids are thrown into their respective beds, and I am cranking up the heating, the rads and throwing myself into bed with Kellie.  I decide the best course of action is to steal her body warmth. 

Despite being cold and wet and shivering, we all had a brilliant night.  Next time (!!) I think I will wear a couple of pairs of everything I own, PLUS the blanket and tarpaulin. And a hot water bottle too ;)

But the evening did teach me one thing... No, nothing to do with my attire... No, it taught me that the Great British Public will sit through till the bitter end if they have paid for something in advance.  It doesn't matter how much rain fell out of the sky onto us, it doesn't matter if the wind blew the first three layers of our skin off, we paid for those tickets, so we will bloody well get our moneys worth out of it!!

Yay Summer!

The weather this summer has - to coin a phrase, sucked. I know there are people out there that don't like the sun, and these are the people that piss and moan about how hot and sweaty they are... There are others, like me, that hate the cold and the damp because it hurts. The last few weeks have been grey, miserable and crappy, and the knock-on effect of this, is that my back, my legs, my hands all scream in constant agony.  I don't mind when it's cold, frosty, snowy or whatever - proper cold isn't too bad - it's this weather I hate.

The second knock-on effect is the kids.  Being that it's "summer" and the kids have been off school, they've been pretty much trapped in the house, bored.  Making plans to take them out ends up on a budget isn't easy, when the weather is crap.  "Oh, just take them to such-and-such place, it's only a tenner per kid!" some people will say....

And that's great.  Four kids, plus two adults, plus getting to where-ever the place is... A "cheap day out" invariably ends up costing a small fortune.

I've been taking the kids to the park, the forest, and generally out and about, but pretty much every time we've been out, we've been rained on.  So I end up cold and damp, end up in pain, and end up out of action for several days.

We DID have a really nice week or so - back in April, just before Easter.  It was hot, sunny, blue skies... We went out and about, and had a lovely time, and I thought "Wow, maybe this bodes well for the summer" but after that, it went downhill.  We've had a couple of nice days since then, but for the most part, it's been very "meh"

I'm hoping that the last week and a bit of the holidays is a bit nicer, but looking at the weather, it's going to get worse over the next few days! Brilliant!

Not.

Basildon - Seaside Resort

Global Warming.  I can honestly say I don't give it that much thought.  Yes, it's happening (well, depending on who you listen to of course!) and yes, the ice caps will melt, the tides will rise and so on and so on.

I'm not saying I don't care about global warming - Polar Bears are good swimmers, but they're not THAT good - but I don't sit wondering what my deodorant is doing to the atmosphere.  I recycle my junk amongst the different bags and boxes, I don't leave taps running, I don't leave lights on (the kids, however...), low-fill toilet, economical electrical goods - I like to think I'm doing my little bit here and there.

However, while blindly bumping around online yesterday, I cam across a site with a Google Maps thingie built in to guesstimate new coastlines and such like.  Where we are, we're on what I think is "high ground" in that, if there's a gap, you can look out and DOWN across areas like the Thames Estuary and across to Kent.  From my roof, on a clear day I can see Canary Wharf in London.

And I am now glad that I DO live on high ground, but am no longer convinced I should be saving the environment.  If the caps melt, and the sea levels rise, I will be a ten minute walk from the sea front.  Check out this image - you'll need to clicky it to embiggen it, but still:

Now, you see that "X" top-middle-ish?  That's home, just off Timberlog Lane.  At the end of Timberlog Lane, you'll walk down part of Clay Hill Road, and then be at the seaside!

You can check out where you are going to be living in the future - either safe and sound, or in a pineapple under the sea - by checking out this site.

As an interesting aside, Canvey Island - where Kellie used to live - is a very low, reclaimed-land island, and once the tide comes in, it'll just be another spot of water in the Estuary.  So not only is she reeeeally lucky to have me, I will now also repeatedly point out to her that I saved her life.  Go me.

(We won't mention that this is the levels predicted for the year 2100)

Now, if you will excuse me, I have some aerosols to let off, and some fridges to smash open.

Summer When?

With May - and by default, the year - soldiering on and slipping away, people have started using that phrase...

"What a lovely summer we're having"

Now, don't get me wrong, but it's May.  I see May as late Spring.  Now don't get me wrong, yes, it is lovely at the moment.  Very lovely.  Heating off again, shorts on, legs out...

With people hammering on about it being a lovely summer, it got me to thinking; when IS it summer, or more importantly, what signs do I use to say "Ah yep, that's summer time!"

Last year, summer was what you might call "damp"  The summer before started off quite nice then plummeted into the realm of soggy.  Don't get me wrong, we had a few nice days, but generally, it was wet.  Yes this is England, but that's not the point.

As far as I'm concerned, you can't use "heat" and "sun" as a guide.  Early April this year was lovely - I had shorts on - but then by mid-April, it went back to Brrrrr.  Last year, October was really nice.  By default, those months are Spring and Autumn respectively. 

As I write this, it's just after eight at night, and the sun is still up.  That is one guide I like to use.  If little kids are moaning it's not bedtime due to the sun being up, that's a good guide.  However, as I sit here, I can hear the ultimate guide for me to say "Summer is Here!"

Swallows.  Or Swifts.  Or House Martins.  I'm never sure which it is, but the noise they make always makes me think of summer time.  And I've been noticing them for a while now.  Which means my original assessment of people's "what a lovely summer" comments might be wrong.  Maybe, with the sun being up and the swallows/swifts being out and about, maybe it is summer.

Either way, I'm glad it's here, and really really hope it's a good one this year!

So how about you - how do you judge Summer's arrival?

Let's Hear It For...

The Snow!

Yes folks, you heard it right, me, Mr King-of-the-Anti-Weather is actually pushing FOR the snow for a change.  OK, maybe I've lost my mind, and maybe I am a little bit unhinged, but hear me out.

For once, I think we should appreciate the snow, and I am going to argue on the side of Snow for once.  Let's face it, since mid-December, there's been snow coming down somewhere, causing disruption somewhere, and generally flooding the press with how bad it's been.  The Big Freeze.  Arctic Britain.  Snowmageddon.  And so on and so on.

But let's look at it another way.  For starters, imagine if it was rain.  Constant, drizzly, damp, cold, wet rain.  It'd be gross, right?  So there's a pro right there.  Secondly, when was the last time people universally had so much damn FUN with the weather.  Sure, it CAN cause bad things, but every press report talking about how bad the snow is, it always ends with the camera filming kids playing out, people having snowball fights or generally messing about in it.

Can you honestly think of the last time you saw massive groups of people playing out together? When was the last time you and all your neighbours played out in the weather? Now it's snowing, everyone is coming out from their four walls and playing together, getting fresh air, making snowmen, snow forts, having snowball wars... Can't do that in the rain, or fog or whatever else.

And let's think about those that DON'T get out in it... How many of us have knocked on the door of an elderly neighbour to make sure they're OK, see if they need anything and so on? Neighbours are talking! And then there are the communities that pull together to dig out paths and roads, pushing cars that are stuck, helping one another with blocked pipes or what-not. Hell, people are even helping strangers out in the wild.

Some of you will argue that, with the economy in such a bad way, being stuck somewhere and not getting to work is making things worse... HOW can they be that much worse? And the upshot? The parent that usually works 45 hours a week, dusk till dawn, including weekends - that parent is now "stuck" at home with the kids - and they are playing together, spending time together they normally wouldn't have received because of work and school.

Yep, it's causing problems, but at the end of the day, don't you think those problems are SOOOO outweighed by the benefits of a few days of snow?

Is It Still Snowy?

Short Answer:

Clicky to see the big version.  I was very sceptical at first - I figured it was photoshop or something, but after a bit of a pokey prod around, I discovered it is real.  MODIS Rapid Response System, apparently.  Part of NASA.

So yes, it is still snowy over here.  And pretty much ALL over here ;)

EDIT: Found a very high-res version on the site: Clicky!

Time Flies...

So, here we are in September already.  Blimey O'Reilly.  On a Stick.

You may notice that it's been *cough*a while*cough* since my last blog post.  Thanks to the wonders that is The Summer Holidays™ it's been rather busy in Chez 0ddness.  And pretty much every where else that I've been.  As is usual during holiday time, I've been flicking between Basildonia and Deepest Darkest Canvey, dragging kids, bags, the dog and whatever else around with me.

But today is a momentousday.  Today is the day they go back to school!

And it would seem that no sooner did the calendar hit September 1st, Mother Nature decided "Right, Autumn...  We skipped summer, so lets do this shit!"  Wind, Rain, Leaves, the whole shebang.  I even tested my radiators a few days back, just in case - which was a good job, as the two up-up-stairs had depressurised and weren't getting any hot water inside them.  That could have been a wee bit nipply.

On the bright side, yesterday saw a man come out for my boilers annual service, so I pointed it out to him and he sorted it.  And fixed the boiler that was a borderline pass for trying to kill me with Carbon Monoxide, so that was handy really ;)

Anyways, Me, Kellie and the kids have pretty much been non-stop throughout August.  Keeping the kids entertained was the biggest hurdle.  Decorating her hall-stairs-landing was another bucket of fun - and we kinda sorta removed her bannisters too, which seemed like a good idea at the time.  Then there were birthdays - oh my goodness so many birthdays...  A couple of random parties people put on for... er.. well, just random parties really!

Yes, granted, the weather throughout the summer has been pretty crap er shit er naff, but we made the most of it.  I suppose without much in the way of a proper summer, there wasn't anything in the way of proper sunburn, so that's something ;)

Still, with routines returning and kids going back to school - including Tam who starts at her big school this afternoon (pics to follow!) things should return to normal-ish-ness here.  I even have a few posts ready to go!

Oooh I am so organised.  Now to kick the kids awake at an ungodly hour to forcefeed them cornflakes, put on clothes they hate, to go out in the rain!

(NB, and the Webcam will be on in a bit as well, pointing out the window - thanks to the computer being aaaaall the way upstairs now, the angle will seem slightly different!)

Boredom

It does strange things to us men-folk...

 

No, we didn't get any more snow last night - it did, however, rain on the already-slippery ice, so the walk to school this morning was rather treacherous.  But FUN!  This is the smiley face I lovingly crafted with my feet, modelled by Tam.  

I woke up at silly-AM this morning to the sound of running water - thankfully outside, but the problem with a flat roof is that water kinda sits and then finds holes - the melting snow was running off the roof and down the side of the house - so at 9.15am I was up on it clearing it off before it found its way inside.

And I didn't fall off, which is always good :)

Mother Nature: Confuzzled

Ask most people over here at the moment, and they will agree that the weather really needs to make it's fricking mind up.  In the space of a week, we've had snow, wind, rain, fog, sun, and even "mild" weather.

However, last weekend, the silly bint lost the plot on a massive scale.  See, for some reason, she couldn't decide what she wanted it to be.  And I don't mean in a regional way either.

As is usual when I am on Canvey of a weekend, Saturday is when Kellies eldest child has his football practice.  Rain or Shine, we head on over to the fields behind the sports center and watch a dozen kids and a couple of adults run about for a couple of hours.

This saturday, we woke up to a fairly thick fog, a freezing fog no less, along with snow, frozen everything, and snow drifting out the sky.  We headed to the fields carefully, the kids slipping and falling all over the place, our lower legs getting covered in snow, our feet freezing in the ice.  We couldn't see very far ahead of ourselves, and the snow blowing in our eyes made it even more amusing.

When we arrived at football and the boys all started charging about, pretty much the whole world appeared as such:

 

Chilly, and then some.  You will need to click on that picture to see the sheer BRRRR factor - though one of the kids, in his wisdom, was wearing shorts...  Mentalist.  You can't actually see the snow coming down in any of the photos I took, but still, it's there!

While we are standing there shivering our proverbial bits off, Kellies mum messages her to ask how things are.  Kellie jokes that she's freezing cold and suchlike.  Her mum - who lives a few minutes away - asks why, as it's not that cold.

Eh?

So Kellie says something like, "you know, in the snow and fog" to which her mum comes back with "what snow and fog?"

To reiterate... Eh?

A minute later, a picture message arrives on my phone from her mum, taken out of her front door.

No Ice.
No Snow.
No Fog.
Not even frost.

Canvey Island is flat.  Flatter that week-old road kill.  There are no strange weather systems above it.  There is no geological feature to mess with the wind - which, I should add, usually howls across the flat little place in the Thames Estuary.

To give you an idea of how close the two places are, here's a pic from Google.

Mr Google tells me it's 2.1 miles between the two points, via road. Taking into account a one-way system and twists and turns, you can pretty much bet it's not much over a mile and a half between the two points in a straight line.

So, Mother Nature, please. Get a grip. And send us some nice weather. Pretty please.

Glooooom!

In a shock move, the weather still sucks.  And it's cold.  And my boiler has gone all funny.  However, it's gone the other way for comedy Chez 0ddness comedy. 

Last week, I had a man come over to service my boiler, who gave it a clean bill of health.  Result.

Then, Saturday night, Kellie stayed here after our night out.  At about half two in the morning, the bedroom was like a mini sauna.  So I tottered downstairs and turned the thermostat off.  An hour later, it was even hotter, so I turned it from Heating/Hot Water to Hot Water Only.

STILL the radiator was burning hot, so eventually, I turned the boiler off.  I figured, while being a little tipsy, I had missed something.  But nope. 

So, at the moment, if the house is cold, I turn the boiler on, and it warms up fairly quickly - and if I forget to turn it off, wow...  It's like being in the tropics!

Of course, it doesn't count as a priority fault as I still have heat and hot water (in spades!) so I had to wait till Friday for a fixer-man.  Half an hour ago, they repair team called and cancelled the appointment as they were being overwhelmed with emergencies.  So I have to wait till next week for it to be fixed now.

In other news... In an effort to make the rest of the world despise my mobile phone, I've now got the Space Pirates song chorus as my ringtone!  I considered setting it as my message tone, but then realised it would take surgeons forever to get it removed from my body cavity.

And apologies for all the quizzy-tag things below this post.  I've been tagged over and over, and saved them all, and figured I really should post them ;)

Anyway, if you happen to find the sun under a rock or buried under leaves, please return it to it's correct place overhead!

For Hire: Replacement Mother Nature

I've held back with this sort of post as much as I can, but you know, I've had MORE than enough.  For the last five and a half weeks, school has been closed for summer.  A time of fun, frolics, outings, playing, sun tans...

HAS IT FECK!

Now, I don't often moan about the weather - it does what it does, and that's that.  My gripe is usually with the people that I am becoming for the purpose of this post.  See, the weather since Jaysen finished school has been awful.  We've had a nice day here, a sunny day there, but for the most part, it's been grey...  Its been damp...  Windy.  CHILLY, even.

Trying to make any sort of plans over this holiday have been a mission, and saying something simple like "We'll go to the park and have a picnic tomorrow" is more worded more "depending on the weather..."  This weekend, we're supposed to be having a picnics with old friends and all our kids.  Weather report: Overcast with chance of showers.

F'king marvellous.

When we were away for the weekend in Great Yarmouth, the weather report had been awful, right up to the day we went, with storms and torrential rain forecast for the entire time.  Thankfully, it managed to hold out till Sunday lunchtime, so the weekend wasn't a wash out.

And you know what will happen next.  Jaysen goes back to school on Wednesday.  You can bet that Wed-Fri the weather will be glorious, then shit for the weekend, then before you know it, the papers will be raving about the Indian Summer, the "Hottest September on record" and everything else.

So, please, can someone else take on the mantle of Mother Nature.  You know, keep things ticking over, make sure Summer = Hot, Autumn = Blustry, Winter = Snowy (HA!  Remember a snowy winter - snow that lasts for more than 36 hours!) and Spring = Fresh.  Global Warming?

Pah...

Enjoy It, Dammit!

So, my day is going by veeeery slowly.  My next door neighbour popped in earlier to make sure I was ok - bare in mind the old girl is about a million years old, she saw me get back earlier and just wanted to see how I was doing.

REALLY need to mention to her that me and Jo have split up...

Still, the TV lasted about... A nanosecond.  There is seriously nothing on telly at the moment, so I gave up on that, and played WoW for a little while with my foot up on Jaysens chair.  Got bored, watched a couple of movies.  And now, boredom has once again set in.

The sympathy is literally flooding into Chez 0ddness...  So far, I've received the following words:

• Twat
• Prat
• Numpty
• Fool
• Idiot
• Stupid Arse

Ya'll can feel the love too eh ;)  Don't get me wrong, I KNOW I'm a numpty.  These words pretty much do cover me, and I'm going to phone my mummy in a few minutes to see what she says.  Of course, as a kids, her plans for summer holidays were usually taken up the proverbial by her son being a klutz, so I'm not holding my breath there either...

And on the subject of summer... PLEASE people, ENJOY the heat!  So far, I've only come across ONE person that is enjoying the weather.  Miss Posh, take a bow.  Everyone else, come on, I KNOW it's warm, but the year is over half gone, Xmas is sniffing around the corner, the nights are drawing in.

I bet all those moaning about the hot are the ones I'll be moaning about in late November when you all kick off on how cold it is.

England has no weather pattern.  It's hot or cold.  Summer is humid, Winter is grim.

As I mentioned to someone yesterday, in November/December, go to B&Q, Dixons or whatever place, and THEN buy your house fans.  A standard table fan at the moment is about £15.  In the winter, you'll be hard pushed to find one for more than £4.  Hence why my house is humming...  It's not some strange sex-toy stuck in the ON position, it's the fan in the lounge, the bedroom, the kitchen.

If it was raining, eveyone would be moaning it was horrible weather for summer.  If it was cooler, everyone would be moaning that we've not had much of a summer.  If it was snowing... Well, the oldies would be moaning at least.

If you think you're hot and sweaty, think about me tomorrow, with a backpack strapped on, hefting my weight on my crutches to the bus stop.  Yeah, grim...

And if you hadn't guessed - I'm bored.  Think I might go stir it up in Azeroth a bit more ;)  Well, after calling Mummy...

Edit: This just in - Mum called me a DICKHEAD!  Pah... So much for parental sympathy ;)