Naughty Spammers!

Now, if you've read 0ddness for any length of time, you will know I DO enjoy me some spammer-action... Be it cracking up at the attempts to steal my banking details, to hijack my computer, or by replying to them and leading them on a merry dance into my sick and twisted brain...

Today, however, I received an email that I was 99% sure was definitely spam. However, that 1% niggling away at me actually gave me a reason to pause and to check the details.

For starters, it arrived in my email inbox - usually Gmail catches the nasties, and flushes them away. Secondly, I couldn't see the reason for the mail... More often than not, it's asking for bank details, for PayPal logins, WoW accounts, Windows Key - I really do get the lot. THIS mail, however, had nothing in it to warrant the spammage.

And, lastly, it named Jaysen in it, albeit with the boring spelling of Jason. Which LOTS of people - family included - still can't understand after 14 years.

Lastly, it claimed to be from one of his teachers at school.

Here is the email in its entirety:

Paula Uland puland@farmersvilleisd.net
17 Jan
to me

Just keeping you posted on Jason's behavior.

Since we have come back from Christmas, Jason is having a very difficult time in class. He is talking out, visiting and eye contacting other students around him during directed teaching time and is very off task.

We worry about him not being focused and the effect on his grades.

We appreciate you working with Jason at home.

Paula Uland
Science

Now, I know to read it, there are so many grammatical errors in it, it's not even funny. BUT I've had letters from school with worse language-usage than this. Also, it's not from the schools domain, but then, if the teacher is at home doing grading or whatever, and uses their own email, again, fair enough. The fact it says he's being a shit in class struck me as odd, as Jaysen does well in science - it's the fact the email suggests I've been in contact with this person before now about it, hence the "keeping me posted" part.

Yes, it reads like spam. BUT, Gmail didn't bin it, there's no links or anything to try stealing my data, and it names Jaysen. Spam emails are usually directed to "Dear Dan English" or "Hey Mr/Mrs 0ddness Bl0g" or similar. Quite how they have tied "Jason" to this email address is very strange, especially when you consider - if it was a clever algorithm or something to link "Names" with "Email Addresses" then it would be the correct spelling of Jaysen. How they have tied Jason to my Dan English address is beyond me, especially as I don't use it.

So, to be safe, I called the school. That little 1% niggling away at me won over, and I had to check. The receptionist had to check with personnel to make sure there was no Miss/Mrs/Ms Uland working for the school, but they have no record of her at all, so now my mind is mostly at rest.

I'm considering passing it on to my ISP, see if they can investigate maybe, but I am also going to reply and assuming they have struck all the right chords, see what happens... "Yes, thank you for letting me know about Jason, I am glad you let me know, I will punish him accordingly, is there anything else I can do, etc etc" just to see what happens.

Oh - the final "That's Weird" part of all this - it ISN'T my 0ddness email address - it's my other one, my Dan English one. Which I don't use to sign up to stuff or anything...

All very strange, but I will keep ya'll posted!

Strange Ukrainians...

As mentioned earlier this week, I enjoy poking in on my StatCounter every now and then to see what's what, and how the crazy freaks of the world are coming to my little corner of the world. I am pretty sure it counts as some form of addiction** and while I don't get anything out of it, except maybe the occasional chuckle, I check it every few days

So this morning I plonk myself on the sofa and log into StatCounter and the first page that loads shows my a graph of the last week of traffic.  I don't get much traffic - anyhting from 10 to 80 hits a day usually, but a lot of people seem to read the posts from elsewhere - Google Reader or Facebook or whatever I think - but the graph is generally pretty steady around those numbers.

Except this morning.

Did it get broked?

Usually, I only see that sort of spike when I post on Bethys birthday or angel day. I checked my blog to make sure I'd not set something inflammatory to post Friday - I hadn't - but thought I should check anyway. I assume it's the same with other platforms, but on Blogger, I can write a post NOW, but set it to post at a certain Date/Time in the future.

But I was innocent. So had to delve deeper. 400+ hits in one day is very strange, but it wasn't even a case of there being new content on here... I started to go through Fridays traffic.

That, my friends, is Saturday midnight, going backwards till midday Friday. See the jump? Between 2000-2100, 0ddness was loaded 384 times. Clearly someone was REALLY interested in reading the blog. That's roughly one pageload every ten seconds. Speed readers, maybe?

Digging deeper into the traffic report, I went to 8pm and started to go through the traffic, but on closer inspection, it was very very clearly some bot/spammer jobbie.

To save you clicking to embiggening, EVERY hit was from the same source, Kiev, Ukraine. All from the "Private Joint Stock Company Datagroup" and every single time, loading the December 2003 archive - which is when this incarnation of 0ddness came into existence.

Yes, I know this is quite boring to a few some most all of you, but I am sure at least one person might maybe find it interesting. Maybe. Just ONE.


**Strangely, as I wrote the word "Addiction" a song came on by Janes Addiction. Spooky!

Time Travelling Spammers!

I like me some spammers.  I crack up at the tricks and tactics they use, and even more so at the fact people fall for it.

I use Gmail now - pretty much exclusively in fact - so spam is something I don't often get in my inbox.  My spam folder, however, is a whole different matter. If I want a chuckle, THAT'S where I go digging.

I get the usual stuff - increase your size, video of someone doing something, women looking for men JUST like me (clearly they've searched for "arrogant, egotistical, asshat with a god-complex"), as well as the various pharmacy drug offers of stuff that could be anything.  Oh, and squillions of offers of a share in a metric fuck-ton of money.

It's the ones that claim to be from my bank that I enjoy reading the most.  Now, for the most part, they claim to be "my bank" when in fact they are for every other bank except the bank I use. Often, there is an attachment to save an use which I suspect installs every kind of gribble known to man onto the computer, or there is a link to "enter all your personal details" which then runs off to the ACTUAL bank and uses your personal details to empty your account.

THESE sites I visit quite often, and if you work in a bank and have ever had a customer with the name of "Imnotthatstuid Youarroganthackertwats" then that's probably a hacker using the info I've submitted. And the address of "101 Youvegotnochance Street, the town of Upyoursville, in the county of Buggeryourselveswithglassanddie" is probably me too.

However, I got one today that shows me they are getting desperate...

from    Nationwide notice@REMOVED.co.uk
to     REMOVED
date    5 June 2011 22:48
subject    Your account was accesed by a third part
   
Dear Customer,

We detected irregular activity on your Nationwide Internet banking account on 06/06/2011.

For your protection, you must verify this activity before you can continue using your account.

Please download the document attached to this email to review your account activity.

We will review the activity on your account with you and upon verification, and we will remove any restrictions placed on your account.

If you choose to ignore our request, you leave us no choise but to temporaly suspend your account.

We ask that you allow at least 72 hours for the case to be investigated and we strongly recommend to verify (sic) your account in that time.

Best Regards,
Colette Nugent
Head of Customer Communications

I don't even know where to start... First, I've bolded all the typos, but best of all, it was sent on the 5th June, reporting "Irregular activity in my account" on the 6th June.  Not bad at all.  I bet all the banks would KILL for such technology!

Oh how I do love my spam folder!!

They Keep Tryin'

I love me some spammers...

Dear Friend,

My name is Williams Cole; a staff of a well-known bank here in the United Kingdom.

It might interest you to know I have an urgent feasible business proposal inline with our mutual and economic interest that’s worth the sum of GBP15, 000,000.00 (Fifteen Million Great British Pounds).

Your anticipation will spur me to discuss at length, I await your anticipated response.

Best Regards,

Williams Cole
Email: coleway@excite.co.uk

Now let's face it, there is no way on this planet this banana has English as his first language. I am thinking more along the lines of, he has English as his default language on whatever software translator he is using, or, at a push, his Great Aunt has a smattering of English skills to her name, and has helped him write it. Plus, I suspect where ever he is from, he doesn't understand the concept of Forename-then-Surname... Williams Cole?

Methink he should be Cole Williams.

And of course, there are assholes like me that just can't help clicking reply...

Mr Cole,
I'd be interested, but I was always taught "There's not such thing as a free ride" or, to put it another way "there's no way to safely get a share of £15million without going to jail"

Unless you have a better plan.

-Me

Ah, Spam

How I love thee, Spammers...

Sequel to your non response of our earlier letter to you on behalf of the Trustees & Executors to the Will of our late client.I wish to notify you that you were listed as a heir to the sum of 4,500, 000.00Euro(Four million Five Hundred Thousand Euros). I therefore reckoned that you can receive this funds as you are qualified by your name identity.For more details on legal explanations in regards to the procedure of claiming this nheritance, you are advise to contact the diseased Solicitor with the e-mail address below.
Email: jjdesq2010@googlemail.com
Jerrold David Reid Esq

Oh course, I'm not sure I WANT to contact a diseased solicitor... But we'll see ;)

People Never Learn...

Clearly, with people getting more greedy and the financial world going down the pooper, we're going to be seeing a lot more of these stories in the press methinks.

A Leamington man has fallen prey to international scam artists who strung him along for more than a year with the promise of millions in cash, but ultimately bilked him and his family of $150,000.

Read more here.

Well... DUH!

Just when you start to think that people are getting common sense under their belt, something comes along and makes me want to smack people square in the forehead.

As you know, every now and then, I like to destroy the lives of Mr & Mrs Scammer over in sunny ol' Nigeria, and their cousins over on the Ivory Coast.  You're probably used to the scams - someone in a government trying to take several million dollars out, and if you help, then you get a cut.

I started messing with them by email every now and then, publishing the fun on 0ddness, and then decided to take it a step further by creating an actual blog which, I admit, I've neglected, but still...  Give me time and I'll be back at it!

Not that I don't have anything better to do of course ;)

But anyway, I digress.  To what I would consider to be a normal person, a scam stands out - but people still get caught by it...  While browsing t'intarwebs today, I found a story of another chap that got scammed so hard, his ears are probably still ringing:

Postie Hit In Mega-Money Web Scam
4:48pm UK, Thursday January 15, 2009
A British postie has been left struggling with debt and depression after losing £130,000 to an internet scam involving Nigerian fraudsters.

Shane Symington, of Portsmouth, Hampshire, made friends with an American woman calling herself Angela Gates on the MySpace website in spring 2007.

The pair got along famously for several weeks until she starting asking the 32-year-old for cash to pay for her mother's funeral and medical expenses.

He said the requests from "Angela" kept coming, and she was soon asking him to pay legal fees that would free up land she had inherited.

She claimed the land was worth more than £1m and Mr Symington continued to help her throughout the year.

By last year, he had handed over his bank details and more than £100,000.

The postie said he eventually got a text message from his "friend" Angela, who revealed the whole business had been a scam.

He said: "It said that it was all false and that Angela was actually a man from Nigeria. I guess he came clean because he thought he had taken all the money he could."

But Mr Symington's problems did not end there - he was then contacted by another woman, again from America, claiming she had also been caught in the scam.

It said that it was all false and that Angela was actually a man from Nigeria.

He decided to help her pay her legal costs and contributed towards hiring two ex-FBI agents in an attempt to regain the lost money for both of them.

But Mr Symington now believes these people were also in on the fraud.

He reckons he has dished out more than £30,000 to find the culprits, bringing his total losses to more than £130,000.

He said: "I feel sick from it all, I feel disillusioned, they have just played on my good nature.

"I've lost my life-savings, I have two loans and credit card debts, I'm in huge debts because of all of this.

"Before this happened, I used to go out every night, now I just stay in because I've lost all the self-confidence in my life and I don't have the money to go out any more.

"I've also had five weeks off with depression from work."

Warning others to be extremely careful before handing any money over to people they have met through the internet, he said: "It's just wicked people getting everything they can get out of people.

"You just can't trust anyone on the internet. I want to warn people but I know I won't be the last to fall for something like this."

Det Con Jon Knox, of Hampshire Police, added: "This is a very sad situation, and this man has now parted with huge sums of money through his own good nature - in trying to help others and then to recover some of what he had lost.

"We do not want anyone else to fall foul of this kind of shocking activity and I would warn anyone who is asked for money over the internet by people they do not know to refuse and not put yourself at risk."

A police spokeswoman added that there was little police could do to help Mr Symington get his money back.

She said: "The money cannot be recovered due to the current political situation in Nigeria, resulting in a lack of co-operation from the police in the country."

Now, I might be a cynical person, but so much of this story is mind-boggling. Going through it slowly..  They got along famously for a couple of weeks...  So he paid for her mothers funeral - THEN Legal Fees for land?!  And then - THEN - he continued to help her throughout the year, and gave her his bank details?!  And as if that wasn't forehead-slappingly-stupid, after he is TOLD he's being scammed and ripped off, he's contacted AGAIN from an American person, gives him a sob-story about being in the same boat, and who asked for MORE money - so he paid it?!  And NOW he "thinks these people were also in on the fraud" Surely being stung once by a stranger asking for money over the internet, you'd be SO much more aware the second time around?

HELLOOOOO!  "They played on my good nature" he said...  Who in their right mind just GIVES £130,000 to someone he's only known for a few weeks and never even met?  Surely, and this is me being ever so optimistic, it would be common sense to not just slap out money to a stranger.

Having a think, it boils down to one or two things.  First, he probably thought he was well in with this woman, and there was probably cyber sex.  Which is even more funny now he realises it's a male scammer ;)  Secondly, it boils down to greed.  He helped "the woman" because he thought he was going to get some land or something.  Same as the scams that offer 10% of a £25million fund being held.  People will throw money at stuff like this if they think they are going to get something better.

Of course, it could be a third option... People are stupid.

So, remember folks... You know what, if you don't know by now, then maybe you should just give the scammers your money. Who knows, maybe I'll rant about it here one day :D

I'm Childish

Yes, I am childish. Even, in reply to you females, more-so than most other men in the world. I laugh at farting, I burp the alphabet when the mood takes me, I poke and prod and tickle people, and I much prefer to be chuckling at something innane that moaning and moping.

I also take great pleasure in smiling and saying Hi to people I know don't want to talk to me. AND, I take pleasure in giving people that deserve it, the run around.

Like my spammers. I hate them, and I think they are one of the lowest forms of life. If I can irritate them enough, well, that's OK by me.

As you know, through my various attempts at annoying them, I enjoy doing so. So much so, that I've just set up a blog specifically for posting their shit and my replies in order to see how long I can keep them tied up with a possible mark.

http://harrassingthespammers.blogspot.com/

There's not much new on there, though I did reply to another spammer this morning. I intend to keep more on-top of them from now, replying to ALL of them when they message me. Lottery Wins, Deaths, Scamming the Government - you name it, I will reply to them :D

Now, if YOU get any scam-spam, send it to me too! I will reply to anything that is new. I DON'T want your viagra, penis enlargements, free porn, or the rest of it. Actual scamming stuff!

Cote d'Ivoire

I am not a worldly man. I have never been outside of Europe, nor have I ever lived among the foreign-sorts in another country. I know where a lot of places are, but the chances of me ever seeing them are slim to none, no matter how much I want to see them.

However, one place I would not like to go is Cote d'Ivoire, or The Ivory Coast, Africa. It has suffered coups, civil war and is apparently one of the most economically unstable countries of Africa. What I have noticed though, is that despite the state the place is in, there is an awful lot of money out there. And all that money, it would seem, has a percentage earmarked just for ME.

Millions and millions of US Dollars held by banks, financial institutions, lawyers - the owner died, or it's siphoned from a government fund, or it's a payment that has no where to go. But the nice people out there always think of ME. Even though, of course, they want me to help invest it, knowing me and money is a hilarious mix (because apparently they research me first!), and knowing that the Dollar over here is worth bugger all.

Yes folks, I got another one :D Tis a tale of sadness to be sure...

Dearest One

I am writting this letter with due respect and heartful of tears since we
have not known or met ourselves previously I am asking for your assistance after I have gone through a profile that speaks good of you. I want to find out if it's possible for you to deal with individual as to investment. I came across your profile and I feel it's highly reputable that is why I pick an interest getting across to you in respect of investment at my disposal. I will be so glad if you can allow me and lead me to the right channel towards your assistance to my situation now. I would like to use this opportunity to introduce myself to you.
I am Sandra James 22Years Old Lady from (cote d ivore) ,the only daughter
of Late Micheal James , My father is now late he was a well known cocoa
and gold merchant business man in my country( cote d ivore) ,he was poisoned by his co-business partner a year ago. The main reason why I am contacting you now is to seek your assistance in the area of my future investment and also for a help hand over some huge amount of money in my possession.
This fund ( US5.6 Million dollars) is deposited in a bank in my country in (cote d'ivoire) a years ago by my father he made me the sole beneficiary.I am now asking you to stand on my behalf,to stand as my partner and in time of the claim and investment as well. I have made up my mind to offer you 13%of the total money while the remaining will go into a productive investment. Pls attach your direct and full information as you reply to me.
Thanks and remain bless.

Best Regards
Sandra James

What I DID leave out of the message were the little icons of roses around "Dearest One" at the top. She sounds like a nice lady, and only wants my "full" information... And of course, her father is late for something... I will see if I can help her...

Dear Ms. James,
Please accept my deepest condolences for your loss. The death of a loved one is never easy, and in such circumstances as well...

I am an private accountant here in England, and as such deal with large sums of money on a daily basis from across the globe - and as such, moving such sums of money is relatively simple if you know where to turn and who to speak with. However, my main concerns are simple;

1. Such an act would be considered fraudulent in this country, and I would require a little more in the way of incentive.
2. The US Dollar is currently very weak against the British Pound, again, suggesting to me that I may require a little more in the way of payment.

I am perfectly happy to assist you in this matter, utilising my professional and personal assets and contacts to move this money. Perhaps I could also draw up a portfolio of stocks and investments for you to look into.

My terms are thus; I will assist you for a minimum of 15% of the total $5.6million, which works out to around $840,000. This increased amount will cover my personal risk in the matter of moving your money, as well as taking into account the reduced strength of the American currency.

My details are ready to be sent to you - Personal details, Professional information and contact, Banking and Credit information, and my other financial details. When you agree to my terms, I will willingly assist you and inform you as soon as possible.

Many thanks for your correspondance, and again, I offer you my deepest sympathies.

-Daniel J. English, AAT
London, England

Daniel English the Accountant might seem like a pompous arrogant bastard, but he does know his shit.

Edit: Not had any reply from the spammer, so assuming this one either got shut down or realised I'm an asshat

Teasing The Buggers

We all get spam. And if you say you don't, you will. Trust me. But while most of my spam is the daily "Big Pen1s!" style drug adverts, I occasionally get the lottery wins, where I've either forgotten I entered it, or been selected at random by a multinational company.

And today, I am booored. Tired, hurting like a bitch, and bored.

A bored Dan should be classed as it's own breed, maybe even it's own life form. I have my own ecosystem and everything. But I digress.

Poking around through my trash folder this afternoon making sure no legitimate mail was being filtered by Mr Googlepants when I found this:

From: MARKET AWARD AGENCY
Address: resorts@mailsys01.intnet.net

Dear Internet User,

This Email is to inform you that you emerged a Category (A) winner with the sum of $2,500,000.00USD on our online draws.Your email address is identified with Batch Number: 444821545-NL/2008 and Ticket Number: PP 3812 /2008-08 in Category "A" and your claims portfolio is filed with
Ref Number:MARKT 80 ES 9414.For further Information about your Winnings,contact our Lottery claims agent with the following contact Address.

CLAIMS AGENT.
Name: Eric Ward
Tel: +31 616-941-341
Email: eric.ward2008@yahoo.de

You are advised to provide him with the following information:

First name:
Last Name:
Telephone/Fax number:
Nationality:
Age:
Occupation:

Congratulations!!! And thank you for being a user of the World Wide Web.

Yours Faithfully,
Mary Van Dotcha
Lottery Coordinator.
Thank you and congratulations!!!

Go me on winning that much money. And look! She thanked me for being a user of the World Wide Web! I feel sooo special. Of course, it originated from a very random email address, and the person I had to mail is using a German @Yahoo.de address, yet the prize money is in US Dollars. Not Euros, which they use over there, and not Pounds, which we use here. But, it's international, so maybe they are just being careful. Of course, you would have thought a large Lottery company would have their own domain, thus their own email/web address. But maybe they just like the security and features of Yahoo... Yahoo Germany...

Yeah, Right.

So, to be on the safe side, I mailed back BOTH addresses, the random one and the Yahoo one. I gave them all my (fake) information in this message:

Dear Miss Van Dotcha,

Thank you for this excellent information regarding my win! I can't believe I won such a massive amount and clearly I am thrilled with this message! Please find below the information as requested:

First name: Danielson
Last Name: English
Telephone/Fax number: +44 1268 270866
Nationality: British
Age: 25
Occupation: Domestic Engineer and CEO of Chez 0ddness

If there is anything I can do to speed up this claim, please let me know. Such a large amount of money will clear many debts, ensure my kids a perfect life and... Wow... Thank you

D.English

I intentionally messaged the name on the email address so I look a bit simple. I made myself sound very very keen. In fact, the only REAL information on there is my surname and job title, which is another way of saying "I work in a house" I am betting their next message will be something along the lines of "Well done, money is waiting, will clear soon... Please give us all your bank details"

Now, obviously I'm not an idiot, and this isn't the first time I've played with these people. I don't know, I love to hassle them - I just wish I could cause them REAL shit. And get the money they've promised me ;)

More updates when they happen!

Rant: A Newfound Spam Irritation

I like to think that over the years of me being online, I have slowly but surely "guided" people into the ways of Anti Spam, Anti Phishing, the "forward to get" and "forward to give" mails, and especially the mails that are titled "Fw: FW: FWD:FWD:FWD:Fw: Fw: Re: This is cute - forward to all your friends / warn all your friends".

*rant rave*

To be fair, the number of these sorts of mails I get are slowly diminishing because people know I will likely give them a spank. The commercial spam - viagra, drugs, banking, whatever - you can only do so much about, but with filters and decent software, I tend to not see much spam in a day. That's not saying I don't not get it - I get hammered to smeggery by the crap, but Thunderbird catches most of it, and that spam it doesn't get, I press J and it notes the spam and remembers it.

And using Gmail of course, that has very nifty spam filters, and it's very rare I get spam in my inbox on my Gmail account. You'd do well to use Thunderbird with a Gmail account, activate POP Forwarding, and live the spam-free life.

Anyway, back to my point about Spam Irritation.

I am a bit of a Facebook fan. I play Scrabble on there, I poke people all day long, I use the mail system - generally, it's a time sink. There is "The Wall" and better, the "Super Wall" which lets people leave you messages, cards, notes - whatever. However, people have started to, how do you say, spam the shit out of it.

It's like people have lost all sense of mind, and me being me, I dutifully log in and delete them all. So, you're on my Facebook friends list, that's great, it means I am already your friend. I don't need bears, flowers, amulets, lucky charms, hugs, kisses or whatever else says "If you're my friend, send this back, send to X people for Y to happen."

• I AM your friend, hence you being on my FRIEND list!
• NOTHING will happen if you forward to 5, 50 or 500 people.
• NO charity, company or individual is tracking your message, and WON'T donate £, $ or € to anyone

I'm not including the chain letters that go around (Send or the ghost will get you!), the stuff to "see how far it can go" things (Travelling Bears, Camper Vans, Vehicles etc)...

I could sit here and piss and moan for hours about it, but I am holding back... I've had very little sleep, plus have been playing Computer Fix It Guy all weekend and have been out all afternoon doing just that... I think I need caffeine before I commit a splatter-related crime.

With a chainsaw.

I cannot recommend Thunderbird for email management, nor Gmail for a decent webmail service with POP features, neither any more highly. If you want a Gmail invite, just shout.

Huff. I think for safety sake I will find a spammer trying to contact me and see what I can do to annoy them.

Return of the Spammer

So, you might recall last week, I decided to reply to another spammer. They annoy me, they irritate me - what better use of my resources than to waste their time as they've wasted mine! Toya Diawara has access to several millions of cash that he wants, but can't clear in his country, so he emailed me to help him! My goodness, how lucky! All I need to do - apparently - is provide him with some information, and we'll clear the money into my accounts, then share it.

The thing is with this scam, is that "something" always crops up, and usually requires me to A) Fly to where-ever he is, and B) Send him several thousand pounds of my money before it can be cleared. They then vanish with my bank, credit card, passport and personal details, I'm broke and in trouble for committing fraud, and they've got my identity.

The Diawara chap actually replied to me though!

As I said he would, he changed his email address for "communication" purposes, which Thunderbird immediately flagged as Spam. And he's now using a Yahoo.co.uk account - he's gone from Ireland to the UK, even though he's down in deepest darkest Africa. He's also sent me "proof" in the form of scans of the certificates of contract as well as a very very obviously fake ID with a very very crap photo, and ID card that looks like it's been typed in Paint.

So anyways, his email:

Date: Wed, 3 Jan 2007 23:58:48 -0800 (PST)
From: Toya Diawara
Subject: INFORMATION FROM MR.TOYA DIAWARA
To: dan.junk@blueyonder.co.uk

Dear Dan,

Greetings and thank you for your prompt response to my mail.The information I ave passed on to you is a privileged information. My motive in this matter is clear as I am seeking for your cooperation in the retrieval of a this outstanding contract payment due to the late that was made by late Bruce English for a contract which he executed for the Government of Ivory Coast years back.I decided to undertake this assignment based on the premises that justice must be carried out and considering the fact that I cannot undertake this alone, I decided to confide in you and seek for your assistance to accomplish this matter. As We proceed,we will be in a position get more insight on this process of the funds transfer when you must have established communication with the bank.

I have taken note of your interest and at this time, I want to let you know that the late Bruce English was originally from your country who long migrated to the the Europe before finally coming to settle here in Africa. Though I do sincerely believe that you might not be related to my late client, but I find it convenient to contact you due to the urgency of the matter as we are running a race against time in order to prevent the public trustee from liquidating the outstanding payment if it is not claimed within the stipulated time as they have indicated in their notice to the probate registry of the high court of justice. I am not in any form or manner seeking to gain access to your personal account information and from my calculations, the transaction will take about 2 weeks to be completed.

The Ivorian home office in conjuction with the bank where this cash is deposited have agreed on a resolution and have jointly mandated the probate registry to provide his next of kin for the claiming of this outstanding payment or run the risk of forfeiting the funds to the Board of Public Trustee by invoking a clause on Property Act, after the expiration of a period given to me. At the point of desperation, I came across your name/email, while trying to locate documentation's regarding possible relatives of the late contractor and convinced that you may be able to act in locus for the late contractor as his next of kin and get approval for the immediate release of this outstanding contract funds to you.

It is good that you share the same view with me that we cannot allow the sweat of a man to pass over to the Board of Public Trustee when there are avenues that we can use to avert such an end. The onus is on me to establish that you are capable of acting as a proxy here to the deceased. The most important thing here is to ensure that there is adequate trust and transparency in all we are doing concerning the release and further transfer of this funds by the bank. It is important that I let you know that you are my last hope of salvaging something here.

I knew the late Bruce English for well over twelve years as we were close confidantes, I assisted him in setting up a brokering firm here in Abidjan in 2000 and ever since then we grew closer. I must be frank with you that I had never met any of his relations and he in turn was quite comfortable here. As a matter of fact he was well settled here, like most other expatriates of American, Asian and other European origin and was prospering in his comercial endeavours. Until his death he was residing at 2 Rue Fleming, Zone 4, Abidjan. He was aged 62, when he met his demise. I have been on this matter ever since and initiated a several searches to locate a well meaning relative of the deceased that will assist in the retrieval and reparation of the funds of the late contractor, but all my efforts were unfruitful until I came accross your name.

Concerning the immediate matter at hand, I was a witness when the late contractor signed a contract award certificate with the ministry of works and housing here in Abidjan and upon completion of the contract, he was paid a first instalment of US$25 Million. Months before his untimely death, he was paid US$13million to bring the payment to the total amount of US$38 million which was the total value of the contact which was awarded to him.This over invoiced outstanding amount of US$16.8 Million is what is remaining to be paid but this has not been accomplished because no relative of the deacesed contractor came forward for the claims of the funds.

The deposit has long matured for transfer but the bank wants a possible relative to come forward as a witness for the final payment of this outstanding contract funds. Considering the limited time we have in this matter, to make our case in this matter, I will like us to move with urgency in other to rescue the funds.The issue is that it pays more for us to pursue the matter as I have proposed than losing entirely to the Public Trustee, who will seize or in their own term "absorb" the entire estate of the late contractor, a substantial windfall for both the government and the bank officials. The success of this transaction is our collective responsibility and I propose that we set aside 10% of the total mEnglish and share to various charities while we share the remaining 90% 50 - 50. Let me know your suggestion on this.

After the death of the contractor, the management of the bank has sent several notices to the Ivorian Ministry of works to locate his next of kin who should come forward of the claims of this funds, but no success was made.I had to reason very professionally and I felt it will be legally proper to present you as the next of kin of the deceased contractor and the sole beneficiary of the outstanding contract funds. The rest is between you and I and with my guide we can have you claim this funds by standing as the next of kin to the contractor, once this is done we shall both continue the search to locate any of the deceased relative but what matters most at this time is the safety of the funds.

I have attached to this email message,copies of the contract award certificate and the contract completion certificates including my identity just to assure you that this is a legitimate business offer as we are not going to face any problems making the claims. The documents are essentially adequate for this transaction. Upon reciept of your next mail, in which I expect you to include more information about yourself such as residential address, age, marital status and present occupation, I will then give you the contact information of the bank where this outstanding contract payment is currently lodged so you can contact the bank for further verifications thereof.

Best Regards.

Mr. Toya Diawara
Tel: +22508485076

The interesting thing I noticed about this, was the fact that this type of spam usually grants the good guy (me) 10% of the amount, while the bad guy (him) runs off with the rest to live happily ever after. They've changed their tactic it would seem. He wants to give 10% to charity, and split the rest 50/50. What a kind and generous spammer. So, like the good person that I am, I have assisted and aided Mr Whats-His-Face, and replied to him. And yes, duh, these are not my real details that I am sending him. The address is part-made up, part the makers of my antidepressants!

Dear Mr Diawara,

My thanks for your prompt reply, and my apologies for taking so long - this time of the year is very busy with family and friends, not to mention the financial strain from Christmas and New Year.

On to the matter at hand, I am aware that this is indeed privilaged information, and will not mention it to friends nor family until it's completion. I am sure my wife will be most happy to see several million dollars appear in her bank account! As to this man - Bruce English - would it be possible for you to tell me more about him? He sounds like an interesting man, and it IS possible I am related to him as several members of my extended family moved to Africa several years ago, though I don't know the specifics about them.

As for the monies, I am sure I will be able to help you in any way that I can. Are you certain, however, that the government will not ask for direct proof of Kinship? To claim to be someones relative here in the United Kingdom, you must undergo legal documentation as well as interviews and even a Blood Test to match relatives DNA. I would not be surprised that your government would try their hardest to keep hold of such a large sum of money. I agree that we cannot allow someone else to claim this money, a man that clearly worked for the people, but I worry that doing so will get yourself and indeed me, into a serious amount of trouble.

As for my personal information, considering you have given me yours, I am happy to share. Everyone calls me Dan, but my full first name is actually Danielson. Danielson Robert Dwyat English is the name on my birth certificate. I live at The Apartment, Apotex House, Titanium Road, Reading, Berkshire, RG1 4PS. I am 38 years old, married to an American woman, and have five children ranging from 3 years to 17 years of age - Kindergarten to College. I work six days a week in my own business, that of Domisticated Engineering, assuring the day-to-day workings of households and the wellbeing of several members of staff as well as our customers.

Now that the formalities are out of the way, what is there that needs to be done?

Yours,

Danielson English

I occurs to me that I am in fact a really bad person, getting this poor chap all happy that someone is going to help him commit fraud on a massive scale! hehe I might have a poke around, see if there is some bureau to report it to in his country! hehe That'd be highly amusing...

I Love Email

I love email. I love getting emails. I love chatting to people via email and getting a wad of mails in my inbox from the same person. That said, I don't like spam; junk mails (sign up for our newsletter!), loans (you're pre-approved!), medication (make her happy tonight!), stock market (hot newcomers on the market), chain letters (forward this message of love and something will happen) and other kinds of irritating as hell rubbish. I don't want the meds, the loans, don't want to invest, and - pay attention here - no matter how many people your forward it to, nothing will appear on your screen, no one will donate money to a charity, and you won't get free anything.

*ahem*

There is one kind of spam, however, that I LOVE to receive. The Scam-Spam. You may recall last summer I started to correspond with one of these spammers, trying to "clear funds from his company", as well as my "European lottery game win". Well, on checking my spam folder, I have several of both kinds, and sit there reading and chuckling to myself that people fall for it. Yes, of course someone in Nigeria has access to £20million and has chosen YOU to help. And yes, you entered a lottery but forgot all about it.


Right.

So, here we have, for your viewing pleasure, Harrass-The-Spammer #1 of 2007!

Reply-To: toya_diawara@hotmail.com
From: "Toya Diawara"
Subject: FOR YOUR KIND ATTENTION
Date: Wed, 03 Jan 2007 17:58:38 +0000
To: dan.junk@blueyonder.co.uk

Dearest One,

Greetings to you. With due respect, I am Mr.Toya Diawara, a director at the Ministry of Works here in Abidjan Ivory Coast. I have contacted you to seek your assistance for the transfer of the total amount of $16.8 Million which accrued from a deliberate over invoicing of some contracts awarded to a now deceased foreign contractor by the ministry of works with the corporation of the ministry of finance.

I have access to some contract approval information concerning a contract which was executed by this contractor attached to the Ministry of Works. This contract has long been executed and commissioned, but this over invoiced payment is still outstanding and has not been claimed due to circumstances which I will explain to you in the course of our correspondence. This matter requires utmost attention as the current political situation in our country since the intervention of the united nations who brokered a peace deal between the government and the new forces rebels has now presented an opportunity for the money to be transferred out of the country as the previous financial embargo has been lifted.

Owing to the demise of the contractor and by virtue of my position here at the ministry of works, I have decided to use all the resources within my power to retrieve this outstanding contract payment since the contractor whose name was used to process the contract payment approval has long died and no relatives has ever came forward for the claims of the outstanding payment. We have made several attempts to possibly trace any of the late contractors's relatives who will assume the responsibility of coming forward for the claims of this outstanding payment.

It is never my desire to see the above matter treated that way hence I conducted a search that will assist me in first and foremost trace any relative of the deceased and also ensure the safety of the funds.I have contacted you to assist in repatriating the money and property left behind by the late contractor because if a relative is not found within six weeks then the public trustee will move and liquidate the entire estates of the late contractor including this unpaid contract amounts on the account of having been unserviceable for a long period of time.

I look forward to your co operation and your extreme discretion in this matter. Until such a time this matter is settled, I will continue to work with you in any way possible to see that the outstanding payment is released and transferred in your name as a bona fide next of kin to the late contractor as I shall be presenting you to the ministry of works. We shall within the course of the next few days plan and execute how best to pursue this matter of mutual interest with a view to cost effectiveness.

I have all the necessary legal documents that will be used to back up any claim we may make. All I require is your honest co operation to enable us see this deal through. I guarantee that this will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect us from any breach of law. Please get in touch with me by telephone or email to enable us discuss this further.

Yours sincerely.

Mr.Toya Diawara.

____________________________________________________________
Discover the magic of RSS feeds at MSN Ireland! http://ie.msn.com/

Bless him and his scamming little socks. I find it interesting that the sweet little man has signed up at MSN Ireland - odd for a man living in Africa, but still. Maybe he can't access msn.com because of, er... you know... And it's also worth pointing out that the "From" address and the "Reply To" address are different. He'll send this mail to several thousand people, some of which will flag it as Spam. Hotmail check it, and close the account - however, people can still reply to it as the "send to" address is different. Cunning.

So anyways, I've replied, calling him Mrs instead of Mr, used a different name, and generally laid it on thick. As in, thick as tarmac. £10 says I land him, hook, line and scamming sinker!

Mr Diawara,

My thanks for contacting me. I am happy to help in any way I can, as long as it is not going to backfire and land you, I, or both of us in a prison cell somewhere, and assume that your extreme discretion will protect us against any such happenings.

With Christmas gone and New Year out of the way, money is an issue for us here in England, and as such a large sum would be more than welcome. What do you need me to do in order to assist, and is it possible to send me some gesture of goodwill in the meantime? Additionally, do you have any way in which I can validate who you are? I am not very technically-minded on the computer, so any help would be greatfully received.

Many thanks,

Danielson English

So there we have it. Let's see what happens, and if I get "invited" to visit him to finalise the details!

Oh, and if you're wondering, that picture is fried spam. Highly recommended ;)

My Ivory Coast Scammer

So I checked my mail last night and saw that Ahmed replied to me - bless his little scamming socks. As we were being "social" I wasn't allowed to tease the badguys, so left it till this morning. Anyway, he wrote to me:

Dear Dan,
This is to confirm the receipt of your mail, the content sound so unserious but i will plead to you to please treat this transaction with seriouness and if you are not interested, it is not a thing of force .

Regarding to your demands, i can not be able to take care of your expenses rather i urge you to take care of what ever expenses in your side, upon your arrival here, i will refund you back after we must have gain access to the consignment .the reason for this is because i have used the little fund in my position to offset part of the demurrage charges acummulated by the consignment as it has been long i have not been able to pay .

Think about this and get back to me before i will advice you with all the documents that are related to this transaction .
Regards
Ahmed

So now we're on first-name terms, and he's given me the "I'm not forcing you" thing, calling my bluff to walk away from an (apparent) wad of money, plus we've had the "here's why I can't pay for you" part as well. Interesting, considering once I've been to him, he's supposed to fly to England with me - if he has no money, how's he going to do that?

So anyway, it would appear he suspects I'm taking the piss, but let's face it, I never give up just like that. So I threw him a bone and decided to have a reversal of tactics on him.

Ahmed

As much as I'd like to, I simply cannot justify spending that much money to fly to a strange country, where I know no one, don't speak the language and have no clue as to the geography of the place. I don't know you from the next person on the street and for all I know you are not Ahmed but someone else. Can you scan your passport and credit cards as proof for me? It's asking a lot, but by the same token, you are asking me to take a lot on faith.

If travelling to you is not an option, what else can we do - the second option you mentioned...

-Dan

Send me a copy of your passport and credit card. Now I know that this is probably a string of people working on this, and that "Ahmed" doesn't exist, so know he will make an excuse for NOT sending me copies. Which is fair play, because I'd just use them on the other scammer sites as my own passport/credit card for all these "Your bank account is in danger" spams I get.

I'm going to hell anyway, why not rack up some brownie points ;)

This Mornings Spam

So, in regards to the spam I got this morning - I'm not linking the post, it's two below this one - I actually got a reply from them already. While I never ever give them anything aside from my junk email address (it's the one that I use to sign up to things online so they spam one address and not four), I like to waste their time as much as they waste mine.

Meh, I'm a bloody-minded-son-of-a-bitch. Sue me.

So anyway, I mailed them this morning with a very basic mail just to see if they could spot the sarcasm.

Of course I will help.
Send me the money and I will invest it straight away with various stocks and shares.

That was at 7.15am this morning. Well usually I don't get any reply, aside from the original "lottery win" I had a few months back, I was surprised to get in this morning to the following mail.

Dear.
Thank you very much for your kind responds, Is my sincere pleasure to advice you that I was glad and full of joy to have gotten some one like you who is God fearing and ready to assist me in the realization of this aspiration, and I believe with one spirit, that we are going to achieve this goal and believing also that this transaction will mark the beginning of a long lasting business relation ship with both parties.

Mean while, here is the operational work plans on how this transaction will be completed after my investigation from the security company and banks here , and I will appreciate you go through it and get back to me with your positive responds.

Considering the fact that we have not met before, and this fund is in a liquid cash ready to be transferred to your account in your country, it will be appreciated you start making arrangement on how to fly down to Abidjan, to assist me in off setting the demurrage charges accumulated by the consignment, and retrieving of the consignment that contains the fund from the security company, and also to enable us meet face to face here in Abidjan to discuss the modalities on the areas of investment.

Secondly, the most reason why your presence is highly needed here in Abidjan is to open up an account with any of the prime bank here in Abidjan in your name where the fund will be lodged for onward transfer of the fund to your account as soon as it is been retrieved from the custody of the security company. Once your bank credits the fund into your account, I will immediately fly back with you to your country for investment purposes. And bear also in mind that this transaction is highly risk free as I have all the vital documents that is related to this transaction but all we need to total confidentiality.

OPTION 2
And should in case you are unable to fly down to Abidjan, we have to advice the security company to transport the consignment directly to your home address in your country or to any of their offshore collecting centre in Europe Asia America via their diplomatic immunity as they do also cover diplomatic courier services. So I will be happy to hear from you urgently on the area that will be convenient for you in respect to complete this transaction with me in good faith.

Also do feel free to ask what ever question you intend to ask in regards to this transaction .I shall also be sending to you all the vital documents that are related to this transaction as soon as I received your positive responds. And it will also be appreciated you call me on this my private telephone number 0022508448353 for more information’s While awaiting your responds; let’s continue to work to the glory of God.

Ahmed Omar

So, The Ivory Coast (Côte d'Ivoire) and it's largest city, Abidjan. Could I pop down there to a crime-ridden city to collect $15million? See previous comments of me not being born yesterday. Even Wikipedia makes a note to not cross the bridges on foot as you'll be robbed. Nice.

So, plan of action. Well, lets see if I can get them to buy me airline tickets. No, I won't give them my home address. No, I won't give any phone numbers. But hey, a return ticket is £450. Usually this ass-heads make people fork out cash after cash after cash, so lets see if they think I'm hooked and willing to pay for me. hehe Hey, HE says it's "highly risk free" so it must be true....

I tell you, boredom does not mix well with me.

Anyway, I'll leave you with my reply to him:

Ahmed,
This does indeed sound like a wonderful venture. I would love to be able to afford all five of my children to college and leave them money for when my time comes.

While I will be getting a share of this money, I think your best course of action will be to buy my flight ticket and hotel booking for me. If it's all arranged at your end then it's likely to be more secure. The best way to cover these costs will be to deduct the money from my share of the fund. When you fly back to England with me, I can show you the sights of my home town, The Lake District, a truely bustling metropolis.

If you wish to use the second option for ease then that is fine and dandy as well - just let me know what you need for this as well.

Many thanks, continue your good work!
-Dan

And for any not of English Stock (that is, the country, not me!), the Lake District is as bustling-metropolis-like as a district of lakes can be. There might be a shed there. Let's see if he'll buy me a flight out there!

And This Mornings Favorite Spam

Wow, so I've won the lottery three times this week, and now I am being asked for help in investing millions of dollars!
I am sooo lucky!

From
Ahmed Omar.
Abidjan, Ivory Coast.

Dearest One,

I need your urgent assistance.

I am mr Ahmed Omar 19 years old, My mother died when I was just 4 years old, and since then my father took me so special. Before his death on November 24th 2003 as a result of poison by his business associate.

Before He called me and disclose to me that he had a sum of the Fifteen million United State Dollars.(USD$15.000,000) Deposited in a Security Company here in Abidjan, Ivory Coast.

I will like you to help me retrieve the consignment from the security company and to help me invest the money in your country.
Waiting To hear from you.

Thanks

Mr Ahmed Omar
ahmedomar@latinmail.com

I've emailed him and told him if he posts me the money I will invest it very wisely to help him out. Being that I am a saint and all.

I Won The Lottery *Again*

I must be the luckiest chap on this planet. ANOTHER lottery win - and ANOTHER lottery that I clearly forgot I entered. Must be my approaching old age doing me in!

We wish to congratulate you over your email success in our computer balloting sweepstake held on 23th August 2006. This is a millennium scientific computer game in which email addresses were used. It is a promotional program aimed at encouraging internet users; therefore you do not need to buy ticket to enter for it. You have been approve f or the star prize of $ 950,000.00 (Nine Hundred And Fifty Thousand dollars. Only)

To claim your winning prize you are to contact the appointed agent as soon as possible for the immediate release of your winnings:

Apex Trust Agency.
Mr.Philip Weeks
E-mail:mainlandtrusta@aim.com
Batch No: SUTO/980/TWM/EU
Ticket No: WRNM/SMI/5990
Lucky No: 10-23-44-72-80
Serial No: MUOTI/82536

You must contact the appointed agent with your Full Names, Contact Telephone Numbers (Home, Office and Mobile Number and also Fax Number) via email to process the immediate payment of your prize.

The Validity period of the winnings is for 30 working days hence you are expected to make your claims immediately, any claim not made before this date will be returned to the MINISTERIO DE E CONOMIA Y HACIENDA .

Once again congratulations !!!

Best Regards,


Mrs Emily Simon
(Group- Coordinator)

Once I've collected my money I'll send everyone steak (or tofu if you're that way inclined). Waiting with baited breath for the results of my "I'd like mah monies now plz!" email ;)