Re-Emerging

This evening, I had an epiphany. A word which I spelled correctly the first time. Go Me.

Anyway, I was sitting, and thinking about today. I have been, shall we say, a wee-bit nervous about going away this weekend. And while sitting here watching the fish, listening to music while I chill out and relax, it sort of came to me in a big fat lump of "snap out of it you tard".

This isn't me. I'm not a nervous, quaking-in-my-boots kinda guy.

Back in the day, when I hung wit me homies While I was growing up as a teenager, I used to go out randomly all the time. I used to chat to people I didn't know. I used to go places that were new to me. I was the only person out of all my friends that played around on the internet so there was no online-planning skills. There was certainly no such thing as teens with mobile phones, so no texting to chat. Once you left the house, it was either know what you were doing, or get to a phone box. Assuming, of course, you had the brain cell power to write down a friends phone number, and assuming of course, that friend was in.

I used to travel to Kent every week for about three years, on my own time, to see friends, live roleplay, hang out... Sometimes a person I barely knew would get me in his car and drive me there. We'd chat and talk about nothing. Sometimes Jay would come along, sometime Gemma, Pogo, or whoever. More often than not, I was on my own with just my mix tape for company.

I would go to the occasional party. I would very occasionally go from one party and crash another. I'd go to a club or a pub. I'd chat to people there, at the bar. I'd chat to people at the burger/kebab van. I was independent.

And I have NO idea what changed. I can't even place it, so have to think that over the years of living with Jo and having her talk to people, ask questions and what-not, I think I slowly stepped back into the shadows a bit. Now, don't take this that I am blaming her. I'm not, not even a little bit. It was one of those things, and soon, I loathed groups of people, hated meeting strangers, hated social situations, new places and everything else. After my back "went" I hated going out, hated socialising even more, hated talking about me... Working for Telewest killed my will to live, being stuck in a call center for 12 hours a day, five or six days a week. Even today, I can't answer the phone if I don't know who's calling for fear of, I don't know, something...

When Jo left, I decided I needed to pull my socks up a bit. Before, I couldn't walk into a restaurant and order, couldn't get drinks at a bar, couldn't ask a shop worker where something was. But over the last few weeks, not only have I HAD to do it, but I've been forcing myself to do it. Ordering my food AND whoever I was with their food. I've chatted and bantered with the people running tills, shared a laugh with a barman, and quite often, if someone near me sneezes, I'll say bless you.

OK, it might sound completely stupid to you, but trust me, it's a big thing for me.

Now, back to the point at hand. I have been completely, utterly and fully dreading this weekend. I intentionally booked my train tickets well in advanced so I couldn't use that gem to cop out. But it didn't help with the fear factor. No, this was going to happen, even if it killed me.

My issue was stupid to a "normal" person, but a massive deal to an idiot like me. I'm going to a place I've never been before. I'm going to meet someone I've only chatted to online, plus her hubby that I've hardly spoken with. On top of that, they also have three others coming to stay with them (plus me!), people I hardly know. PLUS we're all going out Saturday night to a bar that will be full of people.

I've been screwing about it, more so the last few days.

But, while watching my fish, I decided enough was enough. No, actually, as I sent in a message to someone earlier...

"Fuck this nervous shit. Fuck it in the stupid arse. I'm better than this. I used to travel all the time, talk to strangers all the time, go to the pub and hang with people I hardly knew. Balls to it. All of it. I can bloody do this. AGAIN. This isn't a New Dan, this is the ORIGINAL Dan!"

As I say, this might sound completely stupid to most of you, but those that know me in person know I am really shy and nervous a lot of the time. But Internet Dan and Personal Dan ARE the same person - just the Internet version of me is who I really am.

Who knows, once I'm completely out of my shell, I can work on the other shit that I deal with! Yes, like Shrek, I'm like an Onion...

Another Busy One!

Once again, life here in Chez 0ddness has been a wee bit hectic, a bit up, a bit down, and a bit, kinda.. squiggly.

Jo finally has her new place all done and dusted and has moved in. Of course, moving in there means taking stuff from here, and suffice to say, it was a bit icky. Not the "That's Mine!" "No, it's MINE!" stuff, far from it, but the whole next step part. If she had moved out and taken her stuff, I think that would have been easier. But having her pack her things and going again, I don't know it was just a bit rough.

Her, her mum and her fella were helping out through the house, and it's amazing how removing things can make a house even messier. I've cleared out a couple of rooms that have had all their Jo-Stuff removed, and dumped out crap that I don't want or need any more. Two rooms down, what seems like a billion to go ;)

Otherwise, I've been in town pretty much every day this week, keeping busy, shopping, paying bills, and generally being out an about. As per the wise words of a few people, I have also taken to letting people talk and think what they like about me.

In a while, me and Tam are off to Mother & Toddler Group. Yes, yes, I know ;) But the girl really needs to start mixing with kids and other adults - she's often very shy with adults, and is still refusing to talk properly. I am thinking she's going to need to be checked because she refuses to talk properly, even though she is smart as arses.

I am hoping that the group isn't a load of mums gossiping and bitching and suchlike - life's too short for that, and if it is, I'll find something else for us to do in future. Luckily, I'm friends with the woman running it - she was Jaysens preschool teacher, and Bethys preschool teacher, so it's fitting she'll be with Tam as well!

Otherwise, Jo is getting the kids after school this afternoon for the first time at her own house. Her fella also has a son that will be there this weekend, so I think that should be interesting ;)

Maybe I should load my two up on coke and sugar and let them go!

The weekend should be a good one. I am out pretty much the entire time. This evening I am going to Ruths where her fella will be so I can have a look at his computer. Tomorrow me and Kellie are off to our old stomping ground and going to have a wander around the streets we used to rule. Then it's back to hers for dinner and beer. Sunday I am heading home, then probably at Ruths for dinner again, before getting Jaysen home.

I'm knackered thinking about it!

Anyways, for those of you that were lucky enough to see the photo-post this morning, consider yourself lucky as I received a very long-distance phone call from someone telling me that she is very sorry and will not call my bluff again :D And seeing as I am SO DAMN NICE, I've taken the post down ;)

Well, I converted it to a draft, so it's still there, lurking in the shadows... Just in case... *cackle*

The Next Stage

After what feels like an eternity, Jo called yesterday and told me that finally, she had managed to get a house. This has been through no fault of her own, but it was pretty much the last big step that needed sorting.

She sorted out the paperwork yesterday, and can move in "any time from Monday" which is excellent. Excellent for Jo - she can sort herself out and get out of her parents. Excellent for the Kids - they can stay with her now in her own home, without that worry of breaking grandparents possessions. Excellent for Me because I can start clearing through each room and getting "her" stuff and "my" stuff sorted out.

Don't get me wrong, I don't have any problem with "her" stuff being here, but I can't really rip each room out without figuring who's is who's. The hardest part will be the seperating of stuff - over the years, WE bought stuff, or stuff for one another. Of course, there are things that are obviously the others, but we'll just sit and work through it.

As we do ;)

It's not a massive panic either - one room at a time, nice leisurely going through cupboards, draws, units and what-have-you. Once she has taken her stuff from a room, I can be harsh and bin what I don't need/want, and job done - one room cleared. Rinse and repeat throughout the house, and hopefully it'll be done in time. Again, no rush, but will be nice to have less stuff in the house.

Less Stuff = Less Mess = Less Housework - and that's all kinds of good.

Before anyone starts jumping on the "Don't dump perfectly good stuff!" anything decent left over will be either given away, sold, or handed to those in need. The various items of "clutter" we have collected will probably get sent to the great Landfill in the Sky.

Once that is all sorted, then I can prepare each room for decoration. And then, by about Xmas time, the stupid-ass government departments sorting my money out will realise they are pissing me off and pay me so I can actually afford to buy decorating stuff. I also need to look into Laptop Repairs or, if that will be too expensive, a new laptop. SO angry that my nice one blew - thanks to Matt and Sam on Twitter, I'm going to check around see if it's a common problem with that brand, but I'm not holding my breath. I also - foooooolishly - don't have the receipt for it, so not sure if I call the makers if they will cover it under the warrenty. I miss my laptop. Pretty sure it is the internal power supply, but unlike a proper computer, I have no idea how, if at all, you repair/replace one. All suggestions and similar gratefully appreciated - I can't listen to music downstairs, I can't piss around online in bed, I can't sit on the balcony and blog, and the camera is now isolated to the lounge window. I can't even MSN or play WoW sitting on the toilet...

*cries*

Still, aside from that, things are still rosey - if a little painful physically from being so busy of late - but I'll get over it. Finally got a repeat prescription so I can continue self-weaning myself off the Paroxetine/Paxil under my own steam, so all is good really.

But I still miss my laptop.

It's Busy Bunny Me!

Fair to say there has not been much in the way of actual, bona fide content here on the blog for the past week... Or two.. ish. Also, it would be fair to say that I've been pretty much out of the loop in regards to keeping the world up to date on my mental health (or lack of), my physical health (or lack of), nor my normal, averagely boring day-to-day crap.

The reasoning behind all this is because I've been so fricking busy. Or, as Cassandra would say, "Oot an' Aboot" Or something similar - I usually screw up the spelling, but I am sure she'll throw something at me from the States ;)

For those that enjoy reading doom, gloom and suffering, then this post may well be something you won't enjoy reading. See, despite everything that has gone on over the last couple of months, I am doing good.

No, scratch that. I am rocking, kicking ass, winning, smiling, grinning... Dare I say it, but life is... Good. And I can't even thank blame my Happy Brain Medicine because I am sloooowly weaning myself off it. Granted, I'm not actually OFF it yet, and where as missing a dose a few months ago would see me twitching and zapping like the energiser bunny shorting out, I am now going three days between doses. Three! It's going to take time I think, and I'm dealing with some very interesting side effects by the end of day three, but I'm manly, I can cope ;)

I've been busy as a box of frogs trying to escape their prison. Mainly, I've been helping Ruth with various stuff - not that she's been slave-driving me. I had to say that. I can't deal with her moaning at me again. I offer to help with her garden, kitchen, shopping or whatever. Of course, on top of that, I've also had to deal with my personal favourite pass-time... The Rumourmill.

I know I've said it before, but people, here's a little peek into my head. Ruth has been a friend for many years. No, we're not doing the horizontal mumbo. No, we're not secretly a couple. No, I'm not using her to look after me, and No no no, she is not using me to help her out. Yes, she is a girl. Yes, I am a boy. When I say "I am going to have dinner at Ruths", that doesn't mean "I'm going to shag". It may have escaped the attention of a few persons, but pretty much ALL my friends are girlies. It just happens that Ruth lives *over there*. Next time the Web Cam is on, picture the scene - the Blood Red House of Death - his back garden pretty much joins onto Ruths back garden.

I'm not naming names, pointing at culprits or anything like that. But next time you ask, I will tell you what you want to hear, and then mock you when it comes back and bites your bum.

Anyways.

Last weekend saw me travelling to what I considered to be a local warzone of dodgy people. I freely admit I was wrong. If there is a war there, it's all completely hidden from the average passer-by (me). A few months back, I managed to find an oooold friend on Facebook. Or vice versa. I forget which, but still. When my Mum and StepDad moved us into Blackmores, (Oooh can see my garden and mums car!) the family next door had a daughter, Kellie, the same age as me. Kellie, Jay and Myself were the oldest of the pack of youngsters that travelled the local area, and we grew up together till she moved away in her mid-teens. We carried on seeing each other till our late teens, then slowly scattered to the winds.

Now, nearly 15 years later, we started chatting again and catching up. I was there Saturday afternoon till Sunday afternoon, talking till 4am, and then carrying on after a few hours sleep. Bringing one another up to speed on our lives, drinking beer, coffee, Jack Daniels, and most amusingly, chatting about the crap we used to get up to.

After comparing notes, I stand by my previous comment of "I'm amazed I'm not dead"

The very very strange thing though... I was wandering through town heading to the bus station, quite happily listening to my headphones to block out the "You effin' wanker, bitch moan piss come-and-have-a-go" Chavtastic shouting, when someone leapt from the shadows. On my way to see an old friend I've not seen for nearly 15 years, I am attacked by an old friend I've not seen for 15 years. Cassie always was mental, and still is. And yes, she reads this, and I would like to see her deny it ;)

Another topic of conversation over the weekend with Kellie, was the possibility of getting the old crowd back together. Over the last couple of months, I think I have found pretty much everyone that I used to terrorise the neighbourhood with. And I think it'd be a bloody laugh to all head out somewhere with our own kids and have a massive BBQ session or something. See how much trouble we can get into, and see how the kids compare!

Sort of a "We Made It!" celebration... I'm sure we can arrange something amusing...

When I am actually home, I am clearing up the chaos left by Jaysen, Tam or even yours truly. I blame the animals ;) I can't remember the last time I actually cooked in my own home, but you know, that's neither here nor there ;)

Since getting back onto Facebook, I've reduced the amount of Outgoing Pokage that I was dishing out, but it's still there. I even gained a few friends from the Save The Dan group! hehe I've also become rather, shall we say, addicted, to Twitter. If you have a mobile phone or live at your computer (or, in some peoples cases, both), then have a peek.

As for being a Singleton, I am completely at peace with whatever power it is that has decreed I should live as such. I talk to Jo every day or two, see her every now and then, and there is no weirdness, no tension... As I've said before, we are and pretty much always will be friends. Even with everything "behind the scenes" as it were, things aren't strained. I've said before, I saw it coming, I knew it would happen eventually, and so we're making the best of it as we can. The kids are quite happy with everything, and the "schedule" we've fallen into seems to be working pretty well. I have Jaysen Sunday evening till Wednesday when Tam turns up. Then it's me and the kids till Friday evening, when Jo comes gets the pair of them, and returns Jaysen Sunday evening.

Of course, we're both flexible - last week, Jo had a rough time with various stuff, so I kidnapped Tam back so Jo could have some quiet time. This weekend, Jo is off to see Patch for his 50th birthday. I was invited too, but don't think I'm quite ready for socialising in that aspect ;) This means I get the kids for the weekend too which is a bargain - usually it's during school time, but with the weekend we can go do whatever the hell we like! I think the lakes are in order... Followed by home and showers for those that happen to fall in.

Saying no names, of course. I can neither confirm nor deny I may or may not be slightly clumsier than the average owner of two left feet with no sense of balance...

I think my mood has been helped by the sheer volume of sunlight that is currently battering the house and surrounding area. Sun is good. Well, aside for my face which has erupted in spots. Acne keeps you looking younger I suppose... Of course, you would think that being in England the weather sucks in comparison to, say, Australia... Ho Ho. I present to the court, an Australian, bitching and moaning about their crappy weather.

Our news report tonight promised rain and 18 & 19 degrees C for the rest of the week, yay us!! That means that there is a more than 99.99% chance that I am going to get wet doing the pick up and drop offs for school this week!

Poor Mel. She's cold, she's getting soaked, and it's making a certain feature of hers even worse. I won't mention it, though I DO have photographic proof...

So, aside from all that, I think what has helped me more than pretty much ANYTHING has been my friends. From those here that have to listen to me moan in person, those I've found once again, those that I catch occasionally on MSN, pester by mail or prod on Facebook - You've made me see what is what and pull me through this.

People keep saying to me "Holy crap, I can't believe how well you're doing" but it's not me. I've had help. So to everyone, thank you.

Even to random people that arrive on the doorstep, linger for AGES, and only leave when I point out they got a ticket on their car fifteen minutes ago... Yes, it's the simple things that keep me ticking over.

So, with stuff still to be done, I'm going to set about to using the funky "Schedule Publishing" feature. It's currently half seven, still sunny, and I'm blaring out music. Let's set posting for... hmmm... 11pm..

Why?

Why not.

The Demonstration Has Another Effect

Saturday saw me banned from Facebook.
Sunday saw the girls start the Save The Dan demonstration group on Facebook.

So YAY really ;)

Otherwise, I've had a manic day, shopping, cleaning, drinking white chocolate hot chocolate, shopping more, cooking, school runs... Not even 20:00 and I am knackered. BUT I'm not going to go to bed yet - I'm going to leave it a bit so I am TIRED when I go to bed!

Maybe tonight I'll sleep!

Otherwise, I've had a pretty good day, head is clearer after sorting through some stuff rattling around in it. People keep offering to help me go through it all, but... There's always a but, and this time, I can't go into it really. Very strange situation I find my head putting me in.

Cryptic I know, but who knows, one day I might get it sorted enough to blog.

Ahem.

So, good day, head in a good place once again and lots going on. But still banned from Facebook and still no contact from them. Pah.

Child Tax Credits

OK, so yesterday was an interesting/amusing day in regards to paperwork and red-tape at it's finest. I assumed I would be clear-sailing from here...

Yes yes, I know what they say about assuming.

So my phone just rang. "Mr English, this is Miss 'Nother from the Inland Revenue Child Tax Credits department" Whoo thinks me, finally they will tell me about my award and just when it'll be sorted.

Bare in mind, I had to make a new claim by phone, and was told 10-14 working days. Then after three weeks, I poked them, then a week later they demanded proof I have Jaysen. Well, the only proof I had to hand was his Birth Certificate and Passport. After all, nine-year-old boys are not known for their "proof of existence" aside from mess, chaos and generic destruction.

As if they need more.

So I dutifully sent off the info and she called today with the good news.

"We need further evidence that your son lives with you"

Um, what?

So she suggests getting the school to write a letter confirming that Jaysen lives with me. I call the school, and for all intents and purposes I must have sounded like a complete and utter MENTAL PERSON, asking them to confirm in writing that Jaysen lives with me. And if I didn't sound like a complete and utter MENTAL PERSON, I must have sounded like a child snatcher.

A letter from the doctor won't count as that just shows they know Jaysen's address, not where he actually lives. The school have "referred" my query to the Headmaster (which is prolly on red paper marked "MENTAL PERSON") and I may or may not hear from them. Or I'll get the police tapping on the window with a battering ram knowing my luck...

I could send a photo of Jaysen nailed to the front door, but that would only prove he is nailed to a house with the #54 on the front of it.

GAH!

And this isn't all, this is the REALLY irritating as buggery part. The "usual" proof I would send them would be Child Benefit which are the other department that I am having issues with. Now, Child Benefit have my claim "in process" at the moment, and Tax Credits are working on my claim... Both keep asking for different information, and asking for further information...

And yet they are the SAME government department!! Both are part of Inland Revenue! Knowing my luck, they sit opposite one another planning who they can push to breaking point quickest...

If someone happens to have a Very Large Wad Of Cash to hand, forward to the usual address for Hitman purposes...

Child Support Agency

It has to be said, one of the most annoying/irritating things since me and Jo have split has to be the paperwork. It's never ending, and over the weekend, I sat and finished every single form I had.

I wouldn't mind, but it's the same info over and over and over. It's stupid questions. It's one thing after another.

Finally, Sunday evening, I was DONE. I had finished, and went out and offloaded seventeen tons of paperwork into the postbox. Mr Postman, I apologise if you gave yourself a hernia lifting it all.

My joy was short lived however. Today, me and Jo received identical letters, but I got something extra for my troubles...

The first letter, however, was the one that made me chuckle. Bear in mind, to get to this point, Jo had a phone interview. I had a phone interview. Jo had to fill out a 30-page form. I had to fill out a 30-page form. We had to provide statements. We both tried to explain "We're still friends, we're looking out for the kids, and helping where we can" You can imagine the man-hours put in by the Child Support Agency (CSA) in order to process this claim.

The letter I got this morning was a covering letter, three pages of explanations, and two booklets, one "what to do if you wish to appeal" and one "how we work out your money".

Got that clear in your head. This has been going on for nearly seven weeks.


All that hard work and stress to be told "you should pay £0.00 per week" I mean, seriously... A three page letter to tell me I HAVE to pay £0.00. Oh, and I am still liable for all the arrears of £0.00. Where will I find that kind of money?! The MOST amusing part at the end of the letter. "Failure to comply may result in a fine of up to £1000"

So, HOW do I pay someone £0.00??

There is ALSO more to this than that...

Also in the post was a wad of paper from - yup, you guessed it - the CSA. Not content with the forest-worth of paper I filed earlier this week, they are asking the bloody same bloody questions on a completely different form. Why, do you ask? Because they want to "assess my situation in regards to Tamsyn"

Now, obviously this is confuzzling, simply because the "award" for Tamsyn has been confirmed at £0.00 per week. So I called them. I'm always nice to these people - they do get an awful lot of shit thrown their way, and I try to brighten their days with "Hi, can you help, I'm not blonde but I am very stupid" which always gets a chuckle.

Still, I explained it to the woman, told her what I had received, what I had to do... And she confessed she was as confused as I was. She didn't have a clue what the hell was going on. Turns out somehow Jo has two applications in her name, both for Tam, both filed on the same day but one in person, one through "another agency" which, she explained, is the Job Center working "on her behalf".

Or, in other words, they were being spanners and lost the plot. Of course, this means the whole claim for Tam has to be re-evaluated.

GAH!

The even funnier part of this, they HAVE to do this, they HAVE to cover every ass between here and there, but she confirmed, while it might take a few weeks to sort out, but the outcome won't change. I am on Incapacity Benefit. Jo is on Income Support Benefit. Being on benefits means that you automatically DON'T PAY CHILD SUPPORT. So all the forms, the claims, the documentation, everything - even this poor case worker having to reassess the claim, the end result will still be the same, a big fat payment of £0.00 per week.

And then she realised that no one had contacted me in order to claim for Jaysen. Which means we have to do it ALL over again for him...

But I tell you now, if I don't get my £0.00 per week from Jo, I'll take her ass to court and take her for EVERYTHING!

What a palava.

Closed Doors

The last few days, my head has been in overdrive. Nothing bad, not really, just lots of thoughts, choices, decisions... Random stuff that I have needed to deal with.

The biggest choice I've made is one that, this time a few weeks ago, I never thought I would make. I think the only reason I am blogging this is because I need to see it before me and not just have it rattling around in my noggin.

I've decided that if Jo was to come back to me, I don't think I could take her back.

Now that might sound wrong, or bad, or even harsh, but like I said, I've thought long and hard about it. Obviously there is more going on than I am blogging here, stuff in the background that really doesn't have anything to do with the general public. One day, who knows, I might be in a place to explain everything, but for now, it's mine.

Besides, I might need to blackmail Jo if she ever becomes famous ;)

I've seen Jo a few times in the last week, spoken to her on the phone, chatted by text, and I can say with my hand on my heart there is no problems between us. We're still friends, we still chat about random stuff or the kids or what we are up to, but I have had to get my head into a certain place in order to carry on with my life.

Now, obviously, I do still care for her a great deal, and no doubt I always will do - that something my next girlfriend will have to accept. I've had some people make some, shall we say, interesting comments over the last couple of weeks... Nothing bad, but things that have just made me shake my head.

All this, the crap, the bad, the sad - this is just stuff that further defines Me, who I am, who I was, and who I will be. Jo was the biggest part of my life for almost half my lifetime, and I wouldn't change that, but clearly, it's time to sign off on that chapter of my life.

So long, and thanks for all the fish, as they say.

With my head busy, I've covered a lot of things, choices, decisions and everything else. Jaysen and Tamsyn are my biggest priorities, and while I won't put them first in all matters of my new life nor make them drive my life, they are my most important things. A few things have happened here that have bolstered me, strengthened me, and made me think I have undervalued myself.

Jo will always be a part of my life, we'll always be friends and we will always talk. The kids will always be one of the biggest parts of my life, and who knows what the future holds for me.

But for now, I've closed a door on my past and am looking down the strange new corridor before me.

Life As A Singleton, Week #.. er..

I think I've reached some sort of invisible milestone in regards to being single, a milestone I don't know about - simply because in the last few days, everyone - everyone - is asking "How are you coping Dan?"

Well, truth be told, I am coping pretty damn well.

Now, that isn't to say that every aspect is going swimmingly, and nor does it mean that I don't have my crappy moments, but for the most part, I am alive, smiling, joking. I am having a great time with the kids, the house is neat and tidy (ish, I've still got to start packing up Jo's stuff!), and bills are being paid - sure I am scraping through on the bare minimum, but hopefully my money will be sorted in the next week or two.

I have changed as a person - I find I am procrastinating a lot less - if something needs doing, I tend to do it, there and then. I'm eating a lot less, simply because I'm not hungry, but also because if the kids aren't here, then I tend to not bother cooking. My sleep patterns are completely buggered mind you - I am finding it very tough to sleep at nights, struggling to stay awake during the day, and even if I am tired at night, my brain either runs away with me, or I just suffer from evil insanity insomnia.

I have noticed that I feel really uncomfortable in bed with a light off. Can't place why, but I have to have the bedside light on. I also can't spread out in the bed - that just feels strange and wrong, and I remain on my side of the bed. Rather, my usual side of the bed.

Aside from the masses of bureaucracy we're having to fight through, me and Jo are still good friends and communicate in some manner every day. We've been generally chatting more of late, mundane stuff and what have you. We both have our own lives now, plus different experiences with the kids, so we generally just chat. Before the rumour mill goes off into overdrive (as it does), yes, she has a new man in her life, and yes, I am aware of him. I know him, get on well with him, and have no hard feelings nor animosity towards him and, most importantly, I trust him with my kids.

That is all I will say on that matter.

I am generally keeping busy though - housework or shopping, mostly, but also taking time to hang out with friends. I've been at Ruths for a lot, and before the afore-mentioned rumour mill gets ahold of that, Boy+Girl CAN be platonic friends, and that's all there is. She's been cooking for me, making me coffee and entertaining me with free strip shows random conversation and her blondeness. We've been out into town with Alyce, looking after our scatty friend Louise and protecting her from crazy Post Office customers, we've been to a kids party (and survived) at Celetes... On top of this, Facebook has been a big help, and I've been talking to a very old friend that grew up next door to me, as well as others that were part of my childhood.

Seriously think the old crew needs to meet up in the summer at Langdon Hills for a BBQ or something.

Part of me has also been thinking about relationships, the what-if's and everything else. I'm not looking, subconsciously or actively, for someone to be with - I wouldn't even know where to start or what to do. Me and Jo met, and that was it - I was never what you would call a Romeo or Man-Whore. Granted, I had a couple of girlfriends in my teenage years, but nothing long-term, even if they did shape me in some way.

On top of these thoughts, there's also finding someone that will accept me and all my idiosyncrasies - the fact I have kids, the fact I am still on social-terms with Jo, that I am not upping sticks from here, that I am not having more children, as well as my OCD, Anally-Retentiveness, my physical condition, my mental condition...

Such a catch eh!

Still, as I say, I am not looking for anything at the moment - I need my life to be mine before I even contemplating such actions. If something comes along, fine and dandy, but I am not going to put on the glad-rags and hit the dance floors in true Saturday Night Fever style for a long time.

Anyways - I am doing well, and people have commented on how well I am doing, so that is something. I have my crap moments, minutes and hours, but so far *touches wood* so good. I am even seeing the funny side of my life, and some of my friends are in stitches when I manage to slip my new catchphrase into any conversation: *big dramatic sigh* "And she dumped me"

And I do mean I can slip it into anything, from buying milk, discussing the weather, talking about Warcraft... People have started to pre-empt me as well, sighing and saying it for me ;)

Bastards!

So, for the time being, things are ticking over and going as well as they could be. Sure I wish I could change some stuff, previous events and suchlike, but all in all, I think I am doing well for myself and, especially, the kids.


(and I think this is week 6 or 7 of being a single boy!)

It's All Go

I'm not sure what it is, but the last five or six days have been manic. Well, manic in some aspects, lazy in others but none the less, it's all caught up with me this afternoon.

I spent the day out with Ruth and Alyce - harassing the wildlife that inhabits the local post office, being unruly on the bus, and embarassing the masses around the town centre. Like any wandering butt-head, I needed a recharge, and it was more Chinese food at a local buffet that was in order.

Seriously, yum.

Then it was back to walking up and down the length, breadth and depth of town, Asda and then finally home. THEN it was the school run, then back to Ruths, then home where I collapsed and set about running around the Government.

See - when the pooey stuff hit the fan at the start of March, I called all the departments and set about sorting stuff out for me. Well, one department "lost" my claim, so I've had to kick them in the butt. The second department asked for evidence of me having a child - which would have been the completed claim from the first department. So I called them, and instead they want Jaysens Birth Certificate, and brownie points for his Passport. Done and done.

Then a third department are now after me because I have left someone else to raise my child. Eh? Yes folks, the Child Support Agency who are now MANDATORY for all new claims... So I called them, and the woman was as bemused as me. See, I have to fill out the claim and file a counter claim which means the government will over see me paying Jo £5 a week towards Tam, and Jo will pay ME £5 per week towards Jaysen. All that paperwork, man hours, filing, inputting...

Just so me and Jo can swap a fiver a week...

I know, I know, it's all crap, but there's not a lot we can do about it.

Moving on, after being so busy the last few days, I am paying for it today. I woke up and felt a bit achey and headachey, and rapidly went downhill from there. By about midday I was hurting, and once I got it, well, sod anything that resembles movement. Plus, on top of it, I'm so not with it, I decided that crashing my head into a low ceiling at Ruths was just what I needed, jarred my neck, spanked the skull, clattered my teeth...

So, now it's a big cuppa, pain killers, feet up and... NOTHING.

Stupid body.

Sunny Sunday

Poor neglected Bloggy. Ah well ;) Anyways, the sun is currently beaming in through the front of the house - great for us smelly bears that like the sun, not so great for us geeks that have a monitor near a window with afore-mentioned sun streaming in.

Meh, I'll survive!

Last few days have been a bit busy, with a family do yesterday for my nans 80th, plus entertaining squids, housework (which only appears when the mini-me's do) and generally out and about. Oh, and Ruth has fed me again too.

Tam and Jaysen are off to Jo's parents today, Tam to stay, Jaysen will be back this evening but wants to see Mummy. So they get a roast dinner. The original plan was a boys day before school, but now I get a day to chill out (and bloody wake up!) before school restarts tomorrow.

In other news, I've been poking around the Blogger in Draft stuff, which is basically where they test random stuff. Down the bottom right, you will see the blogroll reproduced, but in order of most-recent-posts. Be warned, some of those ARE adult blogs, but I will figure how to rename them later. Seems quite nifty for people wanting to blog hop but bored of reading the out of date stuff.

Update your blogs you stinkers!

And while I am prattling on - another nifty feature in the Blogger in Draft stuff - timed posts... That is, a post that you write, set a date for it to publish and Robert's your Mothers Brother. Which will mean I should miss less Musical Mondays. The links to Draft are dotted through this post - you know you're on there when the Blogger Logo is blue.

Anyway - if you've not seen me on your blog of late, don't fret. Where I've got SO DAMN MANY blogs to read (which, I may have mentioned previously, you need to update more!) I've taken to reading all of them through Google Reader. I have it sorted so I see all the new posts, which makes my life so much easier - no need to trawl through nearly 70 blogs looking for new content when it shows me what's new instead.

Huzzah!

So, with Grandfather en route to get the monkeys, the sun shining, I do believe I will spoil myself with milkshake, erm... er... And whatever else I can rustle up!

Hiding Out

While Monday was "ok" here - as you could prolly tell from the blog being busy - I was keeping busy for my own reasons. That reason was mostly Tuesday.

Tuesday was Jo's birthday, and my head was all over the place. Now, most people couldn't understand why my head was in such a mess, but it wasn't just that it was her birthday, it was also the fact that it was the anniversary of the day I proposed to her many years ago.

It hurt to think that I'd gone from being happily engaged, to being a single parent. It was just another of those "dates" that stuck in my head.

On top of this, I didn't know what - if anything - I should have done. Should I have gotten a gift, a card? As it was, I didn't do either - I wished her happy birthday by text, and it killed me to do so. Jo's parents got the kids stuff to give her from them, and I remained hiding out.

As you know, I was out Friday night. I was out Saturday daytime too. Then I spent all day Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday hiding out with Ruth. She's been looking after me, cooking my dinner and generally letting me rant and mope as much as I needed. I've helped her with her shopping, I've done a bit of babysitting for her (yesterday for 90 mins, today for a few hours) so she can sort various stuff out...

But, for the most part, I've been at hers almost the whole week.

I think today is the longest I've been here since Friday. And on the plus side, the two terrors are home today as well. Jo is out over the weekend, so I've got them for a couple of extra days, and thankfully (finally!) Jaysen is back at school on Monday. Part of me thinks this break has whizzed by, and the other part thinks "OMG come ON!"

So, hopefully with my head being back on track (again... again...) I will be a little more productive. The house is tidy which is something, but there's still lots needing doing. I've gone from being busy has hell to bored out of my skull.

Lemmie find that happy medium, and I will be sorted!

On top of being out, being busy/bored, I've been suffering from Insomnia from Hell. I'm talking "Bed At Midnight" and being awake till the wee small hours. My brain needs a mute button. Or just an off switch.

And having spent a couple of days off the meds, I'm zapping like a bitch too!

For The Enquiring Minds...

Those of you that have poked me and asked questions on Facebook, yes, it is true. I went out last night. I had beer. I played pool. I had a bloody good time.

This morning I had text messages, three emails and a couple of MSN messages asking the where/what/who/why series of questions. I never knew people we so interested in my social life! Still, last night, I was out with my friend Ruth, her friend Sarah (who is very short), her husband Mark (who is very tall), and their friend Kevin (who I met for the first time). We decided to pile into the local Pool Hall that has been there for years, but none of us - all being Basildoids - had ever been in there.

We all joined up (and got swanky membership cards!) and booked a couple of tables for a few hours. Someone usually milled around drinking while the other four played, and then we kinds switched so all had a laugh and drinkies. No one was keeping scores, though I did win a couple of times, and generally much mirth was had.

It's the first time in a long time that I have been out, and the first time as a singleton. Of course, the main question I was asked was "Did you pull" which is a Basildonian way of says "Did you meet a nice young lady and discuss life over drinks" or there about.

No, I did not.

Not that I would tell if I did, but none the less...

After playing pool and drinking beer, we decided the next course of action, of course, was greasy food. Cheese Burgers, Kebabs, Chips. All good stuff. We walked and scoffed and laughed and joked back to Sarahs, where the coffee was put on, and we sat chilling out, laughing with Sarahs kids babysitter and playing with the slightly mental dog that eats mobile phones.

*shudder*

Then it was home for us - being that everyone else is old they wanted to sleep - so I got in, had a cheese sandwich (I had a hankering!), pissed around on Facebook, then went to bed. Only to get up at 8am.

No, I didn't have a hang over.

At midday I decided that as the weather was going to be crap this weekend, I would clear up the front garden. Picking up leaves and rubbish soon became weeding, mowing the lawn, trimming bushes, sweeping the porch, banging the doormat, putting some compost in plantpots and being a busy boy.

Now, of course, I am knackered. So I think it's Warcraft for the rest of the day!

But only because I cleaned up the house yesterday ;)

All Stuff

Contrary to popular belief, I am still alive. The last few days have just been a bit... Well, "shit" springs to mind, but a better description would be "I have a lot of stuff to work through".

My mind is in turmoil, trying to figure things out, arrange things, and work out what I need to do and when/how I am going to do it. People keep telling me how good a job I am doing, but I just don't feel like I am actually achieving anything. On top of this, I can't go into a lot of what is bothering me here on the blog because to be honest, there's a lot going on behind the scenes that only a very few people know the full story.

Maybe in the coming days or weeks I will get things off my chest here at the risk of surprising/shocking a lot of you. Who knows, maybe it will make my head clearer to offload here and not worry about offloading on my friends with their own problems.

Anyway, aside from rambling, I'm mostly posting to tell you I AM still alive and dealing with everything. I just feel like I am at the bottom of a very steep hill and can't get up the thing. No doubt I will ramble in more detail tomorrow.

Three Weeks

Today is the third week of me becoming a singleton. And, today has been pretty pants, mainly because - still - I am knackered. Lots of little things have built up over a few days, and today another one landed on the pile, and forced me to crumble for a few hours.

I wouldn't say I had another backslide, or a total meltdown, but I looked around me, looked at my bills, things needing to be sorted and everything else and just gave in. Only for a little while, plus Jaysen was at school. I just sat, crying, trying to work out what I was going to do.

I'm still having identity issues. I'm a father, but that is the only label I can give myself. I am a crappy friend at the moment - my head is all over the place; a crappy person to be related to, as I forget to tell people what I am doing, letting them know I am OK; a crappy neighbour, the old couple next door still have no clue Jo has left; and, lastly, I can't help feeling like a crappy father.

Don't get me wrong, I am making sure Jaysen is first - he's fed, clean, clothed, helped where needed, trusted - but I just worry about stepping wrong and messing up completely. Him saying something innocuous to a teacher and social services getting called. Yes, I am being paranoid to the maximum, but can't help wonder "what if".

As for being a crappy friend, I have friends that are going through all kinds of shit, and I can't be there for them. I hate that, it's not who I am, but with everything going on in my head, I'm not in any frame of mind to offer help or support. "Sorry you're having shit, welcome to the club."

Family - I am awful at keeping people up to date anyway, but keep thinking "Oh I must call so-and-so" and then, three hours later, I kick myself for forgetting, and then I am either out or it's late.

The old couple next door are lovely - I always chat with them, but the last few weeks when I've seen them out, I've smiled, said Hi - but kept walking. I think I need to plop a note through their door just so they know.

And on top of all this, there are bills, people demanding their money now. However, thanks to the Government loving to being complete bastards I am having a nightmare trying to sort out money.

When I called them up and told them we'd split, they pressed a button, and that was it. Money stopped. Then, to re-claim, I did one on the phone and one will send me the forms. Tax Credits are "being processed" which could take 4 weeks. FOUR?! And then Child Benefit, I've not HAD the forms yet - it takes a trained monkey "up to 21 days" to get the claim pack out, and once I've completed it and sent it back, it can take 2-3 weeks, and THEN! THEN they don't pay out for 4 weeks.

So yes, I will get a nice back-payment, but by then... Doesn't even bear thinking about.

And people keep telling me I should "get back out there and have some fun, see some nice girls..." Well, clearly that's what is wrong with me. I need a shag and to get hitched. The LAST thing on my mind at the moment is "hitching up" with someone, regardless of it being a few nights of fun or my life-partner or something. I can just see it now, me on the rebound being picked up and messing up someones life. Sorry, that isn't me. Kids first, house second, then if I have the time, money and energy, then we'll see what happens.

I even had the "I work with a nice single mum you know.." from someone yesterday. Thanks but no, I don't want a girlfriend at this moment in time. But thanks for thinking of me.

Anyway, I had my meltdown, spoke to Jo, spoke to Ruth, did the school run, pulled myself back together - time to get up and walk forwards again. Even the rain isn't pissing me off at the moment. I just need for this headache to get lost, and for some kind of sleep to overtake me.

Tiredness Is Bad

I hate being tired. Not because I have no energy - I don't have that luxury any more - but because when I get tired, I get paranoid, worried and, especially, my head wanders to bad places.

I can't help it. Before all this, when I was tired, I would sit and think back to the hospital with Bethy, but now my mind flashes me back to all the good times me and Jo had, and how it is now, almost like it's mocking me.

"You lost it, you idiot"

I can't help it. I sit here and my mind just decides to take me back to something, triggered by who knows what. I've always had a very good head for memories, and remember lots of things vividly. Added to this, the Behind the Scenes stuff I don't talk about here - they mount up as well, and sometimes it kills me. I can't understand how I am supposed to press on, I just want to curl up and let the world pass me by.

And then I think of the kids. They are now my biggest priority, and I have to hold it together for them. I worry how this is really going to affect them, if there's some sort of underlying damage being caused.

I just feel like the world is spinning, and I am struggling to keep up with it all. Tiredness just makes me feel defeated. I talk to Jo and hear what she is up to, and look at what I am trying to do here. It's just that she is better able to move on that I am at the moment. It's something she's had time to prepare for, steel herself against and get settled in her head.

But I have to deal with it.

I just want to sleep.

A Sort-Of-First

Today was the first time since the poop hit the fan that the cupboards needed restocking. Even the mice and roaches left, there was so little in the house. Now, before, I could quite merrily go out, buy what we needed and come back, but for some reason, this was a big new thing to me.

Luckily, Jo was on hand to assist.

We met up in town, wandered around the estate agents looking at places to rent and putting her name down for when places come up. Then we went to a little resturant (obviously the kids were with us too) and had lunch, and tackled the shop.

As per the previous blog entry, the shop was Hellish with people wrestling through crowds to get everything they needed. We wandered up and down, going through the things I needed, looking for deals and what-have-you to save money.

All in all, I did rather well, and have restocked the cupboards and fridge/freezer with actual food. Granted, I forgot the dog food, but I went to the local pet shop and bought their over-priced stuff to tide me over, and a rawhide bone as an apology for forgetting her.

But I did it, I shopped, got what was neccesary and didn't go over my budget. Go me.

The fact Jo was there guiding me is not the point though ;)

I'm A Poo Head

OK people. The title says it all because I am, in fact, a poo head.

The post that WAS on here has been deleted. I shouldn't have posted it and, if anything, I probably made things worse by actually posting it. So I a standing up and admitting that I made a big fat mistake by posting when I was upset.

Jo and Best Friend have been on the phone this evening to one another. I think stuff is sorted on that aspect now. He says touching wood (no, not that wood)

For the people that were posting here and saying "things" I need to point out that people don't, for the most, know the full story of what is going on here. There are things I've not blogged about because it's no ones business it's stuff that the world doesn't need to know.

Best Friend knows most of what is going on here, as does one or two select others, but generally - as is always the case here in Chez 0ddness, things are so much more wibbly than the norm in life. Chances are, things will slowly become more apparent over time for "people" but I think a lot of stuff will stay with those that know.

So, to Best Friend Who I Won't Name But People Prolly Know Who You Are:
I am sorry. Really really sorry. You are my bestest best friend and I am sorry that my post made you look like a bad guy. I posted tired and unhappy, and now realise I shouldn't have. I didn't do it to be mean or anything like that, I was just prattling on as I do.

I am a poo head. A stinky poo head. And I am sorry that I made you feel so crap. I will make it up to you with lots of carrot cake. Or by not spitting in your drinks.

I've disabled comments here because this is all that needs saying on the matter.

Lounging

Me and the Wee One had an early night last night. She fell asleep on me at around 6pm despite my best efforts to keep her awake. She was comfortable, snuggled, and the white noise of the hair dryer put her to sleep.

I got her onto the sofa and left the hair dryer running to keep her settled while I poodled around on Facebook and the internet, winning at Scrabble (a lot!) and trading in the lives of people in Human Pets and Owned.

Nothing more relaxing than buying pets from strangers in the world.

At around 9pm, Tam started to wake up. Not good. If she woke up properly, she would stay that way till, say, all night.

No, not good.

So I rushed around doing the night-time stuff; threw the dog out, dragged the cats in, sorted the washing machine and tumbler, locked doors and windows, dragged the dog back in, de-caked her muddy paws, fed the critters, grabbed two drinks, turned off lights, ran upstairs, put drinks down, had a wee, ran back downstairs to check the doors and windows were locked, also checked the smoke alarms, ran back upstairs...

And she was snoring on the sofa.

Well, I figured I'd get her into bed anyway, but she woke up as I tried to get her into her bed and did the clinging-on-the-neck thing, so I put her in bed with me.

I am such a soft touch.

She dozed and wanted to watched the laptop, so I put on old faithful, Samurai Jack. It engrosses her, I can't understand it. I mean, it very well made, but she just watches it quietly.

Stil, she started to doze and I started to doze and we were both asleep before 1030pm that night.

Of course, half six she woke up this morning, but laid with me cuddling till half seven when she decided that was enough of that, and we got up, got breakfast, got washed and dressed and, well... Aside from a few meal breaks, visitors, drinks and toilet breaks, we've done nothing today.

And Samurai Jack is still on!

We've sat and done some reading, we've played with some cars (she's such a tomboy), and we've done our own things as well. But generally, neither of us have had a pressing need to do anything.

Of course, breakfast was fine, as was a mid-morning snack, lunch and various drinks during the day, but the bad daddy award was presented to me at 7pm when i realised I'd forgotten to do dinner. Oops.

She's forgiven me, and I will attempt putting her to bed in about half an hour or so. Well, in theory. Chances are she will mosh around till my bed time, or thereabouts.

It's strange not having anything to do, and Tam is being a good little Peanut for me, so it's all good. I feel like I SHOULD be doing more around the house, but for today, I am doing nothing.

In The Dark

Another day has drawn to a close - well, another week, finally.

I'm sitting at my computer, a little tired as I had a crap night, but surprisingly I feel a bit... good? I can't really explain it, but I've felt fairly good all day - positive, focused, thinking forwards and, more importantly, thinking straight.

I think the reasoning is simple. No matter how bad something is, it could always be worse. I've always always maintained that, and here I am once again living proof of it. I'm still friends with Jo which is important to me. The kids are understanding and more importantly, Jaysen seems relatively unaffected. Jo is happy, which is always a plus in my book, and, like I said, I have plans and am plotting my rise.

Now, I am not for one nano-second thinking I am "over it" by any means, but if I can sit here and realise I am feeling pretty damn good, then so much the better.

A part of it is the blog, as I tend to keep to myself (much to the chagrin of friends and family) this place is my outlet. THIS is where I rant and rave, this is where I talk about all the shit hitting the proverbial fan. You guys are my ear. I can sit here and rattle off all sorts of reasons why I am up, down, busy, tired, hurting, and I know if anyone can help they will offer.

If I tried to talk like this in person, I'd be all over the place.

Of course, the biggest reason I think I am feeling positive today and this evening is my friends. I've had emails, and texts, and voice mail messages (still not up to talking thanks!) and all sorts to say "Hang in there, you can do it" and once again, I have. I've had offers of a place to hide out literally the length and breadth of the country, from the south, to the west, the east and way north. I've even had a couple of offers of visiting the States and staying with friends over there. I've had invites for a day or two, a long weekend, as long as I want... It's pretty amazing.

The last couple of days I've felt a bit more "normal" which, as you know in this house, isn't much of a judge. "Normal" is very flexible in Chez 0ddness. But I've felt more like me. Yes, I am still hurting, and yes I miss Jo like it's going out of fashion. But I am coping, dealing and even feeling a bit more like the piss-taker I was.

I've even made new friends! Go me! If you're on Facebook, join Human Pets - it's a giggle and you do get chatting with people.

Still, I stand by what I've said since this all started; the very last thing I am looking for is a replacement, a girlfriend, or anything of the sort. I think that's something that will come with time, patience and a heck of a lot of personal growth. For now, I need friends and people to take the piss when I am mean to them.

Not that most of you need telling twice, of course ;)