The 21st

So, today is the 21st of February. A day which I feel more than see has arrived. I don't know, maybe I'm attuned to it after so many years, maybe I subconsciously know the date, maybe I'm blocking it out but it still appears.

Today marks eleven years since losing my beautiful little Bethy. Eleven years. Sometimes it seems so raw, other times it just feels like it was a million years ago... Either way, I still remember it so vividly... And that is both a blessing and a curse. I can remember my daughters last day, but I also remember her last day.

It's currently 2am. Yesterday, I spent the morning messing around with Poppy, who then slept like a log, until woken to get ready to go to Kerry & James's. There, we had a few drinks, watched photos and a video from their wedding in August, came home, had burger and chips delivered, I scoffed a butt-load of Jaffa Cakes, and we watched Brooklyn Nine-Nine. After midnight struck, Poppy was tired and restless (AFTER midnight, duh!) so we got into bed, and I've been watching documentaries since, just trying to distract myself.

This year seems and feels different, I think because I have Poppy. Obviously she's not a replacement or anything like that, but she has SO many Bethy Mannerisms, it's spooky. The same "I'm up to no good, but here's a cheesy smile" smile. The same expressions. They look very similar... I'm trying to hang in there, build a bridge, hang tough... But it's so difficult. Obviously Poppy is too young to know or understand anything yet, but she will. It was the same with Tamsyn - she was born four weeks to the day after losing my Bethany.

I am quite tired now, and am considering sleep... I'm just worried I'm going to end up dreaming vivid dreams, reliving shit I don't want to relive. I might try sitting and watching more documentaries, but suspect I'll doze off and miss whatever I'm watching..

Regardless, as usual, my phone will probably sit in the corner being ignored. I get some lovely messages from you lovely people, but some of them are quite hard to read, so I have to leave and avoid for another day.

Also, as I'm posting from my tablet (not sure I want the dark lounge, alone with my thoughts and photos of my angel) the formatting of this entry might be wonky - and I can't post photos until I edit from my laptop... But anyway...

My beautiful darling angel, Bethy,

I can't believe it's been so long - again. I know I probably say that every year, but I cannot believe it's been eleven years since you had to go.

And even after eleven years, I miss you, your cuddles, and your glorious smile. However, I notice that Poppy has developed several behavioural things she could have only picked up from you.

I know you visit. People probably think I'm mad, but I definitely smell things - hospital things usually, so I know you come back to check to up on us.

AND to teach Poppy.

I hope you know, I still talk about you, still think about you almost every day, and still remember you, picturing you swinging from the bannisters or coming running when I got home.

I miss you so much my beautiful little Angel. I have no idea how I made it this far some days, not idea how it made it to eleven years, and yet it is still as fresh and raw as if it has only just happened.

I know, yes, that you HAD to go. Your poor little self had done so much, brought so many people together, raised so much more awareness of CHD... You, my baby, are a wonderful, amazing and very very special little girl. But the selfish part of me hates you had to go, hates that so much happened to someone so pure and innocent, sometime I just want to rage at the world.

I'm sure that, where ever you are, you are having a great time. I am certain you can run now. Fall over and not vomit. Do whatever you want and not get poorly and turn blue. Well, blue-er! But most importantly, I am absolutely, 100% sure, that you are up there Shakin' That Ass!

Just know that you are very much missed by everyone, that so many new people want to meet you, and that I hate you were taken from me so early. You are so loved my Bethy, my little Baby Moo...

I See You, Baby...

Happy Birthday Baby

Hard to think that today, my beautiful Bethy would have turned 15 years old. Thanks to my brain being so tired of late, last night and today have been quite rough, but I've tried to keep my mind occupied...

Between a mixture of Sherlock, World of Warcraft, and Fringe, I've been able to carry on, but I know I'm distracted by her not being here.

Poppy has been all smiles and cuddles today, and when I got up with her this morning, we laid on the lounge floor playing... It's scary how much Poppy looks like Bethany, but then, being sisters it's sorry of expected.

To my beautiful Bethy,

Fifteen... It seems incredible to me that all those years ago, I was cuddling you, admiring how beautiful, little, wiggling - albeit a funny colour - you were.

I look back over all these years, and think of all the things you haven't been here for, but I know for sure you would still be the happy, cheerful, friendly little girl you always were... And you would be an amazing sister to this lot. You and Molly would be out and about together, you and Tam would be playing together, and you'd be an incredible big sister to Poppy...

And, no doubt, ruling the boys with an iron fist...

Not a day goes by when I don't think of you, let alone miss you. Today, you've been on my mind since the early hours, and I know you'd not want me to be upset and missing you..

So happy birthday, my beautiful angel. I see you baby, ever single day, and love you as much now as I always have.

All my love,

Daddy x

Kellie Had A Drink...

Just... Wow...

A Weeks Hiatus

So, it has to be said that, one week on, I am not missing anything that is Facebook-related. Not the petty arguments, the flame wars, random people being offended by random posts/shares, and certainly not those making wild, outrageous and downright nasty comments either in general, or on world events...

And I have to be honest here - there's not actually anything that interesting there anyway. If you get your world news or world views from Facebook, it's probably too late for you already. Half the "really funny" stuff is older than rock, and the other half is filled with videos of people pissing around on Vine.

I did get one message - a text, that is, I'm logged out of Facebook AND Facebook Messenger - asking why I was posting so much to Facebook, considering I'm apparently sulking and not on there... Turns out my Twitter feed is linked to my Facebook account, so each time I Tweet, Facebook posts it. So if you think I'm on Facebook, I'm really not - the fact it says "Posted from Twitter" or whatever should be the biggest giveaway there!

Other than that, it's been a long week - mainly because (as alluded to before) my medical crap is definitely kicking my arse at the moment. My meds are doing squat, and my body feels like it's slowly spiralling and shutting down... I DID have an appointment with a pain management clinic, but thanks to my brain being - well, my brain - I got confused on dates, times and locations of said-appointment. Needless to say, I went to the wrong place. At the wrong time. On the wrong day. AFTER missing my appointment. So, they discharged me as clearly I was wasting their time. Despite Kellie phoning and explaining the situation.

So that's been nice.

It's not just the physical shit that has been flying into the fan... No no, that'd be easy. And manageable. No, it's also the mental shit. Having to be told and reminded and retold of a date or time or to do something. Reading through stuff but getting absolutely nowhere fast. Failing to follow plots or characters in TV programs. Slurring and getting tongue tied and muddled up trying to form simple sentences... It's all been a bit much for me really. As usual, some days are worse than others - it's all I can do to get up and put on pyjamas some days - but it's definitely been hard for me this year.

I've found my energy levels are a lot worse than they have been too... I have resorted to collapsing in bed if my body thinks it needs to crash. A few weeks ago, I slept from Friday through til Monday, only waking once or twice. This week, I went to bed Friday lunchtime and woke up Saturday evening. I think my body isn't quite so happy with my usual "just push through it" routine, and has taken to punishing me.

My sleep is all screwed up too, and I've resorted to Amytriptyline once again, but not every night. However, on it or off it, my brain keeps funny hours. We might go to bed at ten, and I'll flake out within half an hour... Only to wake at half two, toss and turn for a couple of hours, resort to reading or putting on something quiet to watch... By half five I give up and get up, and then carry on through awake til bedtime the following night. The other side of that suck salad, is the complete opposite. We'll got to bed, and I take a tablet... Only to lay wide awake til three or four, at which point my brain remembers it's been drugged, and puts me to sleep - and there I stay til early afternoon.

So for those wondering, yes I'm still "ill" and no my body isn't improved or better.

Ho hum.

In other news, I finally got a Chromecast, and if you don't have one, I really really highly recommend it. Easy to set up, even easier to use... I'm fairly sure even older people will understand it!

And last but not least, after a rather long break from World of Warcraft, the boys have managed to twist my arm and get me interested again... That, and the cinematic for the next expansion looks stunning, plus the upcoming Warcraft movie looks amazing. World of Warcrack has, slowly but surely, sucked me back in over the last couple of weeks! Dom even bought me the current expansion - though I suspect his ulterior motive was more that he always looked so sad and disappointed when he realised I played Minecraft!

Hopefully, getting back into WoW will help divert my attention away from the pain and general suckiness that is my body. That might sound like a bad thing, but it's not, I promise. I always used to enjoy Warcraft for the escapism aspect, as well as the fact it distracts me from the pain shooting through my body!

In general, life is just plodding on here at Chez English. Poppy keeps us all entertained, busy and on our toes - and she is definitely spoiled by everyone. But then, I think it's her right as youngest, prettiest and most evil (she clearly has evil mind-control powers) to be doted on by brothers, sisters, grandparents, friends, family and random strangers on the bus.

For any of the TL;DR crowd out there... Still not on Facebook, still ill, going back to wow, Poppy is great.

The World

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