To My American Chums

Happy Independance Day.
Please don't blow your limbs off or anything silly ;)

I Take It Back

One of the "cunning tactics" I've considered to take out my Demon Weed From Hell in the garden has been FIRE!

However, I am now having second thoughts...

House wrecked as man kills weeds with flame thrower

A German gardener's house was left a smouldering wreck on Friday after he set it on fire while trying to get rid of the weeds with the help of a flame-thrower, police said. Skip related content

After accidentally setting his hedge alight, the 54-year-old's garden shed was soon also engulfed in flames and despite efforts to extinguish the fire with a garden hose, the blaze spread to the roof of the house.

Seven firemen were needed to put out the blaze in Tangstedt near Hamburg in northern Germany, which occurred on Thursday. Police said the house was now uninhabitable.

Flame-throwers are used widely in agriculture and also in gardening, but generally only for removing weeds from between cracks in paving in driveways and patios.

I'll get the gloves back on then ;)

Tagged - Lotsa Questions!

I've not done a taggy thing in quite a while, so when Laney hit me, how could I refuse!

-What is your current obsession?
Hmm, I don't "do" obsessions, but I can't stop playing with my new phone!

-What is your weirdest obsession?
I'm obsessed with Glasses/Cups/Plates being washed and dried in a certain order and stacked in a certain way.  I'll even go so far as re-arranging someone elses stuff!

-What are you wearing today?
Currently, just in boxers, but I've got my shorts and teeshirt ready!

-What’s for dinner?
It's 7am, and I don't know if I'm doing breakfast yet!

-What would you eat for your last meal?
One of Kellies hot curries.  Not only is it gorgeous, but it'd give the people putting me to death one hell of a shock ;)

-What’s the last thing you bought?
A loaf of bread...  Fascinating, no?

-What are you listening to right now?
Sally snoring beside me.

-What do you think of the person who tagged you?
Slightly deranged, perhaps ;)

-If you could have a house totally paid for, fully furnished anywhere in the world, where would you like it to be?
A nice big place in the middle of a forest somewhere would be rather nice - but it has to have all the amenities ;)

-If you could go anywhere in the world for the next hour, where would you go?
Back to bed, possibly ;)

-Which language do you want to learn?
Would love to learn Latin one day.

-What’s your favourite quote (for now)?
"Procrastinaters Unite! Maybe tomorrow..."

-What is your favourite colour?
Dark Blue

-What is your favourite piece of clothing in your own wardrobe?
I'm a man, I have clothes.  Whatever's on top of my pile, that's what gets worn.

-What is your dream job?
Something I can do from home, make lots of money doing it, working with people all over the world.

-Describe your personal style?
Lazy?  That'll-Do?

-What’s your favourite tree?
Great big Weeping Willow you can hide inside and ignore the world.

-What are you going to do after this?
Get the kids up and sorted.

-What’s your favourite fruit?
Bananas, probably...

-What inspires you?
My brain kinda fires off randomly...

-What were the Banana Splits?
Two dogs, a cat and what appeared to be a woolly mammoth, all messed up on things they bought from shady types in dark alleyways.

-What are you currently reading?
The Redemption of Althulus by David Eddings

-Go to your bookshelf, take down the first book with a red spine you see, turn to page 26 and type out the first line:
"Do you plan to resurrect Torak to give you a hand?"
Sorceress of Darshiva, again by David Eddings (I've been reading through his books again!)

-What delighted you the most today?
Listening to the birds prattle away at 5am

-By what criteria do you judge a person?
I don't judge people.  If I like them, the so be it, if not, then so be it.

-What item could you not live without?
My computer probably, followed closely by my mobile!

-As they both seem to be making a comeback – Blur or Oasis?
Blur; they seemed to enjoy what they were doing, while those silly northern gits always seemed to be gobbing off and pissed off.

I tag pretty much anyone that fancies having a go :)

My Monsters At The Park

Been playing at the park with the wee ones, chilling out, watching them exhaust themselves... They're growing up so fast.

Random Thoughts

Stolen from.. er.. somewhere.

1. Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.
2. Needing a man is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.
3. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.
4. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?!”
5. My Reality Check bounced.
6. He who has, so shall he who. - Old Norwegian Proverb
7. Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
8. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
9. Good news is just life’s way of keeping you off balance.
10. Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it takes.
11. God did not create the world in 7 days; he messed around for 6 days and then pulled an all-nighter.
12. I still miss my ex-wife, but my aim is improving.
13. Stupidity got us into this mess - why can’t it get us out?
14. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
15. People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
16. I don’t mind going nowhere as long as it’s an interesting path.
17. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
18. If it ain’t broke, fix it till it is.
19. I don’t get even, I get odder.
20. In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
21. I considered atheism but there weren’t enough holidays.
22. I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.
23. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
24. My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
25. I am having an out of money experience.
26. I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
27. Not afraid of heights - afraid of widths.
28. Practice safe eating-always use condiments.
29. A day without sunshine is like night.
30. I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
31. If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.

Advertising

Something that irks me (for I am irked) is adverts; the various everything that is plugged away on our TVs and Radios and even our Internets (if you don't have an adblocker that is!)  However, what irks me most about adverts, aside from their invasiveness, is the outright LIES they tell.

Case in point, last week while shopping, I was following my usual routine of "If it's on special offer..." when I came across a NEW! IMPROVED! toothpaste.  Not that something can be both new AND improved, but I digress.

Now, I'd seen the ad on the telly, about how they had harnessed the power of Oxygen to power through your mouth, and listened to the "members of public" say how they could feel it moving between their teeth, how they could feel it working and what-not.  I thought nothing of it, but, seeing a stack of them for 99p, AND considering toothpaste was on my list, I grabbed a tube.

When I came to using it, I was ready for fizzing, foaming bubbles - more than anything, I expected to look like a bloodthirsty rabid were-person, foam running down my face.

Though, to be fair, that's how I usually end up when brushing my teeth.

But this, I thought, would be different.  I wasn't overly worried about stuff powering between my teeth, or feeling it working.  It was all about the foam for me.

And let me tell you.  There was no Rabid-Dan.  There was no powering through the mouth.  No feeling it work.  It felt like I was brushing my teeth with toothpaste.  In fact, looking at the toothpaste itself, it actually appeared there was grit in it.  I suppose that's the harness power of Oxygen.

Which leads me to my point.  Kinda.  And the ickle image up on this post.  All Adverts Lie.

I drive Kellie nuts when we're sat down watching TV.  See, she watches the adverts, and sees adverts.  Me, however, I watch for the small print which most ads seem to come with these days, and they always make me chuckle.  And I always read them aloud.

The ones that really get me are the ones for you women-sorts.  "See how our silly brush and black dye can increase your lashes by a BILLION percent!" Followed by some washed up actress/model fluttering eyelashes that appear to be made from lead.  However, in the small print it reads:

Enhanced in Post Production.  Lash Inserts Used

Which, basically, should read as "We photoshopped the shit out of this image.  Also, these are fake lashes.  LOL."

Car adverts, Bank adverts, Foodstuff adverts, Holidays, Loans, I'm-Old-And-Don't-Want-To-Be adverts, I'm-A-Twat-That-Fell-Over-So-I'm-Suing adverts...  So many have small print, catches, clauses, addendums.

I love the ones where they say "The most popular THING of all THINGS!" and in the small print you get "According to a survey of 27 people, 89% agreed"  Twenty-Seven people?  That's less people than most school classes!  You get more people on a bus than they surveyed to see if their THING is the best of all THINGS!  It's like they interviewed people, and the first 23/24 said "Yeah, I like your THING" then the next few said, "Actually, I prefer their THING!" so to be safe, they stopped interviewing people.

It's no wonder I felt let-down by my toothpaste.

Musical Monday #72 - Into Dust

This was one of those songs.  It's taken me a while to find it, but none the less, I found it.

As usual, a song I kept hearing was eluding me - this was from the new Virgin Media (bastards!) advert with the guy on the bus/train, having the scene change around him.

But it's not the advert for a useless bunch of tits that interested me, it was the music.  Nice, quite, chilling and relaxing.

And, before you all go "Blah blah not Monday!" I know I know, I just forgot.  As usual.

Anyway, the song is Into Dust by a group er, singer oops band called Mazzy Star.

Still falling
Breathless and on again
Inside today
Beside me today
Around broken in two
'Till you eyes shed
Into dust
Like two strangers
Turning into dust
'Till my hand shook with the way I fear

I could possibly be fading
Or have something more to gain
I could feel myself growing colder
I could feel myself under your fate
Under your fate

It was you breathless and tall
I could feel my eyes turning into dust
And two strangers turning into dust
Turning into dust

Go On, Gramps!

This is the sort of thing I like to see in the news...

Burglar Gets Battered By Brave Pensioner
3:43pm UK, Tuesday June 30, 2009

A knife-wielding burglar got the shock of his life when he was left battered and bruised by a 72-year-old former boxer.

Burglar Gregory McCalium got on the wrong side of ex-boxer Frank Corti

Gregory McCalium, 24, was punched twice in the face after breaking into the home of Frank Corti.

The OAP said he was compelled to defend himself and his wife after McCalium threatened them at their home in Botley, Oxford.

McCalium had thrown a knife at the pensioner - which missed. At that point the 72-year-old used his boxing skills to stop the would-be attacker in his tracks.

"I had to restrain him before he could go and get the knife," Mr Corti told the Oxford Mail.

"I was scared when he first threw the knife, but most people would have acted in the same way.

"If you can't defend what's yours, where are we at?"

Oxford Crown Court heard that McCalium confronted the couple after a row over noise levels.

He was drunk after attending a party when he forced his way into Mr Corti's home at 8am on August 19 last year.

McCalium threw the knife towards Mr Corti but the former Royal Engineer dodged the blade and then punched him.

Detective Constable Jon Shaw, from Thames Valley Police, said: "The elderly man, who at the time was at home with his wife, was able to subdue the man until the police arrived.

"Fortunately no one was more injured in this incident but this was still a terrifying situation and McCalium must now pay for his actions."

McCalium, a cocktail barman, was sentenced to four-and-a-half years in jail after being convicted of aggravated burglary.

Mr Corti said he was "very pleased" with the outcome.

"Our life was severely disrupted by the incident and we are pleased he won't be troubling us for a few years," he added.

Of course, knowing the way the world is going, how long till the bad-guy sues the good guy for some pathetic reason - and win...