Playing Catchup

Oooh I am soooo punny today that it hurts...

Obviously - and due to the complaints I've been getting - 0ddness hadn't been updated for six days.  Shocking, I know, but I did have things to blog, I just never got around to doing it.

For one, I've been staying with Kellie over the weekend, and Thursday I was with her too for her dentist appointment.  Yes folks, someone more of a coward than me.  Before then, I was with Ruth on Wednesday, Kellie again on Tuesday, and...

You know, I'm not actually sure what I did on Monday.

This weekend just gone was really nice once again.  Friday we spent the evening at her local with her friend Kerry and her family...  We weren't there all night, as the kids were with us too (her kids of course, mine were sold off to a rich family in need of chimney sweeps) but had a great time.

And me as ever forced myself to talk and be social, which didn't actually take that long to get into.  I was greeting strangers, talking about pretty much everything, answering questions about me and my life... Oh, and me and Kerrys geek of a brother talked WoW for a while too ;)

Saturday day time we had a wander around town, shipped her kids off, chilled out (watched a chick flick!) and then got ready to go out for the evening.  All afternoon the girls were debating what to do, while me and Kerrys other half, Paul, pretty much nodded and agreed.  We opted for the cinema, and went to see Hancock which was excellent.  Think a fair amount of people didn't like it, but I loved it.

Up yours movie critics.

Sunday was spent lounging in bed till close to midday - watching politicians on the TV get asked a simple Yes/No question, and give a five minute rambling speech that didn't actually answer the question.  Then we showered, shopped, pissed around in the kitchen till I had to come home...

And here we have another pissy moan about the bus company.  As it happens, the last bus I keep missing - they changed their timetables a week or two back - but failed to update the time table at the bus stop.  AND the time table on their own web page.  The drivers were more pissed off than I was thanks to all the complaints they are getting!  However, after a bit of digging, I found a new timetable on a third party website.

So thanks First Bus.  You suck.

Anyhoo.  With Jaysen finishing school tomorrow, the summer holidays are so close I can almost taste them.  And much to the chargrin of the population of Canvey, I am spending the first week of the holidays there. 

Jo and myself have been chatting about the kids and the holidays, and we've worked out we'll pretty much be having both kids together at the same time for a week each.  So, on my way home yesterday I stole both monsters, and Jo will get them back next Sunday.  Easy Peasy.

Except.

Well, this week is going to be AAAAAALL over the place.  Jaysen is at school tomorrow.  Then once I have everything sorted and together, I'll be heading to Kellies.

With Jaysen and Tam
And a suitcase.
And a buggy.
And Sally Dog.

All on the bus.  Yes folks, I intend to get all THAT on a bus, AND to not have any problems.

Wednesday, Kellies kids are at school for their last day, so we'll be out an about.  Then in the evening we're at a kids birthday party.  Then we have to keep them occupied till Saturday - at which point, Kellies oldest is off to his dads, then my lot, plus Kellie and her little one, all my shite - BACK to Basildon, to mine, dumped off here, sorted out, then off to Gemmas for Zóés naming thingiemajigg... 

Yeah, it's exhausting me just thinking about it!

But that's not all - I've got to get the house as tidy as can be in the next fourteen nanoseconds as tomorrow... BUSY!  Up and out, school run, then to Sarahs to... Shave her dog.  Then it's into town and shopping with Ruth.  Then home, with as much clearing up and sorting out as possible before the school run...  THEN to Kellies...

Wish me luck on that...

And lastly, please raise your middle finger in salute to my local council for royally bending me over and inserting things into deep dark holes.  Thanks to them being the most unsympathetic people sitting behind desks, I've not got to sell a couple of kidneys. 

Thanks guys!

Empty Bottles & Cans

Once again, I spent the weekend away with Kellie.  Yes, I am spending an obscene amount of time with her, but at the risk of inducing vomiting amongst my readership, we love being together, and are not stomping on any toes, so we're having as much fun as we can get.

Got over there Friday after having a nervous breakdown about being late... Not that I was "due" at any particular time, but as we had to go out (as a couple!) that night, I was all flapping and stuff.  Still, arrived with plenty of time, sorted out an over-night bag from my weekend-bag and headed out - armed with booze.

Being that I am ever so good with names, I was dropped into a room of people.  Obviously, Kellie and Me... Her best friend Kerry, her fella Paul, her brother Kevin, his missus Kelly, and their friends Haley and her fella Mark.  And kids.  Seven, I think...  No, eight.  Well, none of mine, so there could have been fifty.

And we did the drinky drinky drinky till the wee small hours.  Glasses were smashed, drinks were spilled in torrents, nibbles were consumed, Chinese food was ordered (and subsequently scoffed)...  The Beer Fog started to settle...

Half the adults, and their respective spawn left, while the other half stayed.  We ended up crashing on the living room floor, and didn't wake till the ripe time of 7am.  Hangover free, I should add.

Me and Kellie set to clearing up the kitchen while the house slept, me fine, her... Well, not at her best.  Like I say - I didn't have a hangover ;)

Kerry and Paul emerged nearer 10am, Paul fine, Kerry in the same state as Kellie.  So they were indeed mocked.  And forced to cook breakfast.

Which, as it would happen, would provide me with hours of chuckles.  See, getting two drunk, hungover girlies to cook is actually a BAD idea in the grand scheme of things.  Sausages: Burnt.  Bacon: Burnt.  Mushrooms: Cooked to perfection (amazingly). Scrambled Eggs: Burnt, Still moving, moist and a very strange colour.

And texture.  The eggs had a whole new texture.  And flavour.

I'm not sure how, but the other three adults managed to fob off food on the unsuspecting kids, while me... I ate all mine.  I have a cast iron gut ;)

The breakfast really really deserves it's own entry... "Legendary" would be one word to use.

Another highly amusing aspect to boozing with a group of people you don't know - I can ALWAYS find the geek in the crowd... I heard the words "World of Warcraft" and the ocean of people parted - Kevin, Kellies best friends brother - is a WoW player, and we spent much time that evening talking about it.  Much to the chargrin of the normal non-WoW players.

So, despite taking the piss out of her Best Friend, we get on quite well (which is points to me), and Kevin told Kellie I'm great and get two thumbs up from him too!  Did I mention that Kerrys family is like Kellies second family, so I need approval from them as well!

I bribed Kerry with vodka, so that helped ;)

The rest of Saturday was spent with the older kids at football, followed by a jaunt back to Kellies with all the bags - lighter, now emptied of booze - and had a quiet afternoon together, followed by a curry.  Yep, I'm a lardy - but it was mostly veg ;)  AND no booze ;)

Sunday started lazy.  Kellie tried flexing her girlie muscles, and ended up with very tickled feet.  Which she hates.  Once up, I tackled her garden for her... Which again, really deserves it's own post.  Suffice to say, I shall never hardly moan about Ruths garden from now on.  At least her garden is just grass.  Kellies garden had everything...

And I got a big fast blister for my troubles.  Which she put chemicals on.  Which burnt.  Ow.

Sunday was going perfectly - we got to the bus stop at half four, ready for my 4.50pm bus.  And we waited.  And waited...  Now, if you want to be in my good books and say "I will be there at, say, 4.50pm" then you better damn well be there no later than 4.50pm.  A few minutes early I can handle.  4.55 and I will start getting stroppy.

So at 5.15pm, Kellie called her mum and arranged me to go home when she went past.  As you can imagine, your normally very-placid author was, at this time, ten feet tall, green, ripped clothes...  I will write them a very nice letter tomorrow no doubt.

But every cloud - I got another 45 mins with Kellie.

And finally, after collecting the boy, having a drink with Jo and Steve, walking home, got the boy showered and bedded... Now I am flopped.  Aching, sore blister (owie!), tired, missing Kellie...

Who, no doubt, will come along and attempt to save her character, but to be honest, I think I may have already ruined that just by her associating with me...

The only down part, aside from not seeing Kellie till Tuesday, is that I had a lot of questions about Bethy this weekend.  Now, I have no issue at all talking about her, and will always tell people I have three kids, one of which isn't here any more.  I think it was more having to talk to people that have no idea about her, what happened, the why's and where-fores.  I was fine, but when I finally got in and sat, the first song my computer decided to play was her song...




As I say, the hardest part was the fact that all my friends, most of my family, and those that know me, they know as much as they can what happened, what she went through... But now I am meeting new people and talking about ME, Bethy enters the conversation that don't know, don't understand and don't realise how unlucky they are for not meeting her. I'm OK now though, had a sad moment so did the stupid taggy thing in a crappy frame of mind, but still.

Anyway, I am fine and dandy once more - counting the days till Tuesday when, incidently, I have a man coming to look at my fence.  Or lack thereof.  I sent them a letter that rattled them into action ;)

So nighty night!

Edit: I forgot to add, the ULTIMATE part of the breakfast was the Tea and Coffee... But that's because it WAS perfect, as I made it!

A Wee Bit Owie

If I didn't know better, I would say that last night, I was set upon by a wild, rabid donkey. Now to be fair, I was very busy yesterday - the fact I had very little in the way of rest was, in hindsight, a Bad Thing.

When we got in last night, I popped some meds and sat on the sofa with the laptop, but could not get nor stay comfortable. I then had to force myself to stay awake so I could take some more meds later on. Last night, I didn't so much sleep, as was medicated out. My bed this morning was pretty much as it was when I went to sleep, which shows I stayed in the same place, in the same position all night.

Ruth had to ring to wake me up this morning too, twice, as I was A) Doped up still, and B) Owie and didn't want to move.

None the less, I've forced myself up, up and away, and have eaten some cereal in an effort to wake up some more. I was going to shower, but can't actually get my leg up into the bath - so that can wait till a little later. The Ruth has offered to take The Boy in to school (Hmmm, who is still in bed, I note with a huff), but I'm going to get dressed and get out.

On the bright side, after Kellie and her kids stayed over during the week last week, me and Jaysen are off to hers tonight after school, only to come back tomorrow morning in order to get The Boy to school Wednesday. It's not too hard really - just means getting up a little earlier and getting a bus for half seven/eight in the morning.

I get to see Kellie, so I don't care ;)

And on a final note - if this fricking cat keeps meowing over and over outside the window, I will skin him, dip him in vinegar, lightly salt him, and throw him to the Very Big Dog a few doors down.

Almost One of Those Days

My life has been very tranquil of late. Mainly because there is very little that is actually getting to me, thanks to walking around like a grinning idiot for the most part. My life has become this really strange - in a good way - thing that I barely recognise.

I have a tan for heavens sake! NOT monitor burn, not lightbulb poisoning, but a real, bona fide Sun Tan.

Today, however, has kinda pushed my limits just a teeny bit. Nothing bad has happened, but it was borderline to me standing up, arming myself with a cricket bat, and fighting the zombie hordes in those around me.

I should have know it'd be a good one when one of the kids left a rather sharp-and-pointy toy car on the landing last night. I stumbled out of bed, and was subsquently run over by the afore-mentioned car. It got off relatively unscathed, but me, the pedestrian, suffered serious damage to my ego. Oh, and a cut toe. Ouch. Not the best way to wake up.

Then I couldn't understand why the kettle wouldn't boil for a coffee. I kept clicking the switch on it, checking it was seated correctly, checked the socket was turned on, checked the water level wasn't too low. Fifteen minutes it took me to figure out the plug in the socket was for the tumble dryer, and that the kettle plug was sitting on the work top waving at me.

Then the school run was fun, as Ruth couldn't leave at the same time as me... So I had to do the school run with a 15-16 year old brother of some of the kids, but for the most part, I was in charge. Jaysen and Tam. Ruths two girls. A friends girl that had to be taken in by us. The twins in Jaysens class. Their sister. Me, eight kids. You can imagine, right?

Then, finally, the chaos ebbed, and me and the Peanut jumped on the bus to Canvey to see Kellie. Except the driver had no idea what I meant when I asked for a "Canvey Rover" ticket. Every other bloody driver knew what I mean what I asked before now, but no no... So I had to explain I wanted a rover ticket, that let me travel TO and FROM Canvey Island.

The journey was dull and altogether too slow. Tam was good as gold for me, and we sat playing. I had Kellie stay at hers too - usually she has to meet me in order to guide me through the rabbit warren to her place, but I have solved it. So the first I saw of Kellie this morning was her greeting us at her front gate.

All that stuff - which I will gloss over to protect you lot - was very very good. The only downside to it all was she has germs. A sore throat, to be exact, and while she pressed on, over the day she slowly got more and more icky. So the germs had me all growly too.

Then Father Tim, the old bastard, decided to speed up the course of time so the hours and hours we had together lasted for around about seven microseconds. So, we left her place in plenty of time, she escorting us to the bus stop so we could say bye bye as I left. However, due to gravity and Tam wearing the worlds most diabolically evil shoes we had a minor mishap that resulted in a scraped knee, a really scraped elbow, and Daddy (In his new white tee shirt) getting covered in blood. But, with time still to spare - ten minutes - we arrived at the bus stop. Even told someone arriving after us that no, they had not in fact missed the bus.

I HATE when a bus is late. Even more so when it just doesn't show up at all leaving me watching the clock tick closer and closer and, indeed, closer to School Finishing Time. When it became apparent that I, the bad father, would not be at school in time, I got Ruth on the case so at least my son wouldn't be abandoned at the school gates. The next bus told us that the previous one was stuck a ways back... Out of petrol. HOW?! Surely the little arrowy-gaugey thing says "Fill Me Up Please!"

So the journey back to Basildon took forever. Then all the shitty school kids got on and pissed around. Shouting, yelling, effing and blinding (I'm allowed to swear on here, this is MY blog!) and pressing the stop button over and over. Me and Tam evacuated and headed to Ruth where my son was being held. I'd like to say he broke down when I arrived back, that he missed me, and was upset I had forgotten him... No, he sat eating his ice pole.

Ruth made me a coffee and the kids played. My two, her two, plus one... Then plus another when Alyce arrived with one of her, like, forty three kids ;)

Five of the PM rolled around, so we left for dinner, with the kids chattering at one another which became moaning, then whining then all-out fisticuffs. So Shouty Daddy had a moan and they cheered up. Salad, nibbly bits and tuna mayo for dinner, most of which got eaten. Then the scraps got knocked over. Sally won't clear up salad.

Pathetic mutt.

So I cleaned that up, went downstairs, washed up, came back up to find a previously unexploded mine had detonated under the kids toys, showering the entire lounge - desk and sofa included - with toys, dolls, lego, games, bits of bits, bits of bobs...

We spent an hour clearing up, only for Jaysen to "find" that the bin in the bathroom was humming. And I don't just mean it stank to high heaven... No no, it was breeding little flies. I have been seeing them in the bathroom for the last couple of days, but just assumed it was the damp curtain "bringing them in" but it turns out my delightful son has been hiding food he doesn't want in there... I pulled it out and nearly gagged.

Seriously, it smelled like a corpse under all the tissue and stuff he had padded it down with. Blergh. So that bag rapidly went THE HELL OUT, the bleach came out, the air freshener came out... I can still smell rancid grossness. I wouldn't mind if I could smell it before hand, and I am sure had Kellie noticed it day before yesterday, she would have said something.

Bed time then could not arrive fast enough, and once they were tucked into bed, I stumbled downstairs, exhausted...

And got hit by that fucking car again.

All Stations: GO!

Some days my life is fairly quiet. OK, when I say "some days" I mean "Rarely, every now and then" On the other side of the coin, other days are what you might call, a wee bit busy.

And then there are days like today where there probably aren't quite enough minutes in the day in order to do everything you need to do.

Before you say it, yes I know I am sat on my fat arse blogging, but a boy needs a break. And a coffee. Or a vallium. A vallium latté to go, maybe.

Seeing Kellie as much as I can at the moment has been a case of weekends, plus Mondays and Wednesdays. However, this week, yesterday I had to go into Lakeside with some short chick to get hooked up on Orange mobile broadband, so was out pretty much from half ten onwards, and didn't get back till gone two - so that blew our Monday hookup. Wednesday Kellie usually has college, but as she finished last week, it was a case of arrange for one of us to go see the other. Before we made any proper plans, she and her best friend arranged to go out.

Of course, there's no way I'd come between a girl and her bestest best friend. Sod that. I've seen them together sober and that was scary enough ;)

Which of course, meant that I left Kellies Sunday, and wouldn't see her now till Thursday - however, that's the day me and Ruth go shopping to restock. And as I am going to Kellies at the weekend, it would have been Friday afternoon till I saw her.

Hmmm, this rambled longer than I thought it would :D

So with a lot of re-arranging and jiggling times, dates, people and everything, we've had a new plan. Kellie and her kids are jumping on a bus there after school today to come here. Then I am feeding them all, they are staying over, and leaving at Silly-o-Clock in the morning to get the kids back to school, so Kellie and her friend Kerry can have their girlie day out.

Exhausted from just reading it?

So, this means that with three extras coming over, and me going into panic mode regarding dinner, I had to rush out this morning and buy food. Let's just say YAY for various salads and fresh stuff that I will be making - as suggested by Ruth this morning as she held the mask over my face to prevent the hyperventilating ;)

On top of feeding them, I actually need to have a quick clean up - which isn't that much, but none the less, it's housework. Which, coupled with the fact I have someone over this afternoon... Manic. Because my claim for housing benefit and tax benefit has been significantly altered, they are sending out an inspector to make sure I am not committing fraud. I assume, by not housing a boat-load of immigrants or something equally strange.

This inspection is due between 12-3, despite me warning them I am out from half two on school run. If he turns up then, I'll be pissed. So I have to clean, while waiting for Fella McBlokey to turn up, while doing some washing up, while preparing dinner, while doing a school run, while making sure the beds are made, that the kids rooms are tidy (ish, I'm no miracle worker) and generally not having a breakdown.

**Mushy Alert**

Of course, the fact that I get to see Kellie again is aaaaall kinds of good, even if it's only going to be for a few hours. Doesn't matter how much stuff I have going on, I'm still all fuzzy and smooshy and stuff.

Ya'll can just live with it or read elsewhere

Lé Weekend

I had an extremely great weekend. The kids had a great weekend. We chilled out Friday, Saturday was manic with football practice, walks to the beach (and subsequent wet kids), walks home, then Kellies best friends kids were over for the night. Kellies eldest boy went to his dads, which put the household on two adults, my two kids, one of Kellies kids, and three of Kerrys kids. 3, 4, 6, 7, 9 and 10 years of age.

Plus me and Kellie.

Still, they had a great time, were fed, staggered bedtimes starting from eight in the evening ranging till ten. Then it was adult time time for us to chill out. I wrote "adult time" then realised how it sounded... Ya damn pervs!

Sunday morning was even more amusing - six kids plus me and Kellie to get sorted, all needing food, then a rather "Had One Too Many Last Night" best friend needing a coffee. I was all sweetness and light and didn't make any loud noises or anything... *ahem*

Then it was off to the fair with everyone, meeting family and friends and extended family, food, drink... Oh and a close shave with Sun burn ;)

As much as we hated to go, we left around five ish, and went straight to Jo's parents so I could drop off an exhausted Tam, then me and the boy had the grand plan of walking home.

Half seven we got in last night.

Tiiiiired much!

Still, I am chalking this weekend up to "Full of YAY!" and hobbling the boy to school...

Just, Yum

To off-set the ranty-rantness of the previous post, I feel I have to post a somewhat pointless entry.

I've not been eating very much of late - a sandwich here, picking at some food there, but while sorting out a bag for the weekend, I decided I needed a sandwich. So I was going to have tuna mayo. Then oooh cucumber. Oooh tomato. Lettuce. Cheese. Onion...

What I ended up with was a sandwich worthy of a medal. And/Or an orgasm. Whichever deity you pray to, He/She made animals very tasty :D

So here I sit, scoffing the Worlds Greatest Sandwich, while Tam eats her salad and stuff beside me. I WAS going to take a picture of the Holy Food Item. But it got et.

That is all. Nom.

Anyway, I'm off to spend the weekend with Kellie, with both my kids in tow, while Kellies son is off on Saturday morning, this will be the first time the kids have been together since Kellie and myself became "a couple". All of them older than Tam have given us their Seal of Approval, which is always good :D In the coming weeks, we've also had invites as a couple to various "things" which is rather... erm, fuzzy-inducing ;)

A Mixed Bag o' Stuff

Today has been... erm... a little bit up and down, really. I'm not sure about the rest of the world out there, but over here, it was Fathers Day. Now, I think I might have touched on it before, but it's really not a day I associate with good times. Firstly, I don't need a day for my kids to tell me they love me, that I'm great or anything else - it's like an annual review... If I were a bad daddy, would I have been fired today? Would I have been put on probation and demoted (to mummy....!)

Anyway, without going into all the detail - those who know, know - my main reason for not liking Fathers Day is the fact that it is made abundantly clear that I am missing one.

Despite having been up on cloud nine for the last couple of weeks, today loomed, and marched inorexibly forwards till I woke up this morning and thought the most profound of thoughts.

"Arse"

So, with Ruth having her family down, I called her to make sure she was up and at 'em. Then I rolled out of bed, sorted myself out, threw on some clothes, and left the house. I only had one place on my mind. Bethany's Garden.

I walked there which in itself is a fair walk, but I NEEDED to do it. I've been thinking about it of late, and since the split knew I would have to go there. For ME, before anyone asks. So, I didn't tell anyone because I knew people would say things like "Good luck" and "You can do it" and other messages that would make me NOT want to go. I didn't plan it, simply because if I knew I was going on Day X at Time Y, I wouldn't go.

I even turned my phones off.

Walking there with my music, no problem. Lovely day, all was good. Got up there and went straight to her garden, where I knelt and felt sad but wasn't crying. Thanks to the rather mental weather, the grass up there has had a mental spurt and was growing through, so I pulled up a load of grass, emptied some dead flowers out and stood up little toys that had been knocked over. I sat up there for a little while, talking softly to her, before heading out.

And that is when I lost it. Not the going. Not the seeing. Not the talking to. But turning away from her and walking from where she is. Just like the day I lost her. I didn't hide my tears - I wasn't going to make excuses to anyone for them, and got to the gates, where I called Jo to let her know where I was. We had a little chat, and she told me her plans to redo it in the coming weeks.

I finished chatting to Jo and felt a bit more with it, and sent a couple of messages off to Kellie - she was out with her extended family-that-isn't-but-none-the-less having a party, so I didn't call her. Then I noticed the texts received, missed calls and voice mail alerts.

Turns out just after I left the house, Ruth tried to call - I was supposed to take my big pan to her as she was feeding the five thousand, but had forgotten and was out. Of course, Dan not answering one of his three phones, not responding to text nor voice mail, and, as far as the world knew, still at home.

Yeah, you can see where this is going.

So I panicked Ruth, who in turn woke up Cel (who has a key for dog-purposes) as Silent Dan is pretty much unheard of. So I had to speak to her and apologise for being incommunicado. Panic over, though it did make me smile a little. Especially as I knew the main bolt was on my front door, so Cel's key would have done precisely nothing - well, aside from make the girls actually urinate in their undies.

On the way home - walking, still - I had a few texts from Kellie which made me smile and cheered me up a bit more. By the time I got in, I was pretty much OK, just a bit sad still. Sad is better than batshit mental ;)

I grabbed some food and headed to Ruth with my pan, having someone tell me en route that I "looked like a bit of a mental" to which I replied "No, it's OK, I'm just a pot dealer" and wiggled my very large saucepan at him. Got to Ruth, sat down for a coffee and her tribe arrived. Then they left and I quickly mowed her lawn (which, I should add, had also gone f'king mental from this weather!) which I did a stunning job of. Then we had a chat and I went back home.

Once home, I sat and watched the last of House, Season Three (Oh, and thanks to the writer to include a little blonde girl that needs heart surgery, suffers a stroke, and her fav. toy is her stuffed bunny), while drinking coffee and chilling out. Oh, and hearing from Kellie on how her day was going - short description might be "mad house". Then, early evening, the boy came home and we chilled out together for a while, sharing weekend stories as we do, till he had a shower and went to bed. Well, just before he went to bed, Lane turned up to see how I was doing. She started trying to go depressive on me, so I beat her up a bit and kicked her out of the house. With Sally not sure if she should be attacking me or attacking the stalker... So she covered both bases before Lane drove off.

And finally, after all day of both of us being all over the place, I finally managed to get Kellie on the phone, and we sat and talked, and grinned, and giggled and sat quietly... Ahhh shuddup ;) It was my longest phone call since... erm... wow, ever I think! Just over two hours we talked. Can you tell I miss her.

Rhetorical question ;)

After that, I fiddled around on Plurk for a while - if you don't use it, learn, because it's great. And then, while laying here trying to sleep, I decided I needed to blog.

So, as you can see, as is usual for Chéz 0ddness, it's been a bit of a strange day really. I think I covered a good range of emotions! But even with ALL that, with everything going on - I'm still off the meds!

And in other news, as a side note, a PS or addendum... I've added a couple of new blogs to the side bar you should go read!

Geek Mama: Does as it says on the tin. She's a mummy... That's a geek.

OK, erm... *blush* the other two appear to have NOT saved - so I will add them to this list in the morning! Oopsie... I'm tired, sue me! Otherwise, I am feeling good once again. Really good. Me and Kellie have spoken about a lot of stuff that I've had in my little "Bag of Stuff", but she accepts I'm a bit of a mixed bag, and is quite happy with that. I know there are times I can be a bit... or, rather, a lot... Dan. I'm not what I would consider a normal, stable person, but she seems to like me for me, which is the most important part. Thankfully, we agree this is me:


Thank you Mr Shrek, for describing me perfectly ;)

The Questions Keep Coming!

I was a little taken aback by the number of comments, emails and messages I woke up to this morning. I had to chuckle at the sheer amount that said pretty much the same thing, "Duh, we knew!" or "About time too!"

Now, technically, I've been seeing Kellie for a few weeks now - but it's been just that. I've been going to hers, meeting for drinks or lunch, or she's been visiting here but that's all. We've both been fending off questions and comments from friends and family that have shown an interest from the outset. It wasn't till the weekend that we both realised something along the lines of "You know what, I think they're right"

The other bulk of questions were the questions; who, where, when, how... Well, Kellie isn't a random person I met at a random place. In fact, we go a loooong way back - she was literally the girl next door. When Mum and John moved into our house at Blackmores when we were kids, the next door neighbours were Kellie and her family. Even more technically, but not going into detail, me and Kellie were "seeing" one another in our late teens.

But now we're adults, have had our own lives and everything else. She is several months younger than me, has two kids aged 10 and 6, and lives a few miles from here. We've shared and compared lives, and pretty much discussed the missing 15-or-so-years. I had left Blackmores to live with Jo, she left Blackmores for her life, and then out of nowhere earlier this year, she added me as a friend on Facebook.

As for a picture, well, in time ;) Don't want to plaster her pics all over 0ddness without her say-so. See, look at that - ME showing restraint!

For those worrying, please don't. I've had lots of stuff running around in my head, have worried about people thinking I'm on a rebound (I'm not!), that I am going in with blinkers on (I'm not!), or that I'm wearing rose tinted glasses (I'm not!)... I've never been one to rush in anyway, I'm not the rebounding-kinda-guy, and I am aware that while I have a lot of baggage, that's just who I am, and Kellie knows that.

I've even spoken to Jo about it, and she's chuffed for me too - has also been asking all the questions, but still ;) We were chatting on the phone this morning, and pointed out how much happier I am, especially over the last couple of months. She is happy for me too which, strangely, makes me feel good that she's happy for me. I am certain all this has been a helpful factor in getting off the meds too - my mind is in a good place, and aside from the occasional emotional burp, I'm doing good. Even the shitty weather hasn't put me off or anything!

For those of you that already knew (which, to be fair, is pretty much everyone!) congrats. You could have a gold star if I had any left, but I've been too busy handing them out to people that have spelling issues ;) Some of you can put "Super Sleuth" on your CV/Resumé if you want to.

Now, if you will excuse me, I have a lunch date with someone special...

For Those Not On Facebook

Closed Doors

The last few days, my head has been in overdrive. Nothing bad, not really, just lots of thoughts, choices, decisions... Random stuff that I have needed to deal with.

The biggest choice I've made is one that, this time a few weeks ago, I never thought I would make. I think the only reason I am blogging this is because I need to see it before me and not just have it rattling around in my noggin.

I've decided that if Jo was to come back to me, I don't think I could take her back.

Now that might sound wrong, or bad, or even harsh, but like I said, I've thought long and hard about it. Obviously there is more going on than I am blogging here, stuff in the background that really doesn't have anything to do with the general public. One day, who knows, I might be in a place to explain everything, but for now, it's mine.

Besides, I might need to blackmail Jo if she ever becomes famous ;)

I've seen Jo a few times in the last week, spoken to her on the phone, chatted by text, and I can say with my hand on my heart there is no problems between us. We're still friends, we still chat about random stuff or the kids or what we are up to, but I have had to get my head into a certain place in order to carry on with my life.

Now, obviously, I do still care for her a great deal, and no doubt I always will do - that something my next girlfriend will have to accept. I've had some people make some, shall we say, interesting comments over the last couple of weeks... Nothing bad, but things that have just made me shake my head.

All this, the crap, the bad, the sad - this is just stuff that further defines Me, who I am, who I was, and who I will be. Jo was the biggest part of my life for almost half my lifetime, and I wouldn't change that, but clearly, it's time to sign off on that chapter of my life.

So long, and thanks for all the fish, as they say.

With my head busy, I've covered a lot of things, choices, decisions and everything else. Jaysen and Tamsyn are my biggest priorities, and while I won't put them first in all matters of my new life nor make them drive my life, they are my most important things. A few things have happened here that have bolstered me, strengthened me, and made me think I have undervalued myself.

Jo will always be a part of my life, we'll always be friends and we will always talk. The kids will always be one of the biggest parts of my life, and who knows what the future holds for me.

But for now, I've closed a door on my past and am looking down the strange new corridor before me.

Life As A Singleton, Week #.. er..

I think I've reached some sort of invisible milestone in regards to being single, a milestone I don't know about - simply because in the last few days, everyone - everyone - is asking "How are you coping Dan?"

Well, truth be told, I am coping pretty damn well.

Now, that isn't to say that every aspect is going swimmingly, and nor does it mean that I don't have my crappy moments, but for the most part, I am alive, smiling, joking. I am having a great time with the kids, the house is neat and tidy (ish, I've still got to start packing up Jo's stuff!), and bills are being paid - sure I am scraping through on the bare minimum, but hopefully my money will be sorted in the next week or two.

I have changed as a person - I find I am procrastinating a lot less - if something needs doing, I tend to do it, there and then. I'm eating a lot less, simply because I'm not hungry, but also because if the kids aren't here, then I tend to not bother cooking. My sleep patterns are completely buggered mind you - I am finding it very tough to sleep at nights, struggling to stay awake during the day, and even if I am tired at night, my brain either runs away with me, or I just suffer from evil insanity insomnia.

I have noticed that I feel really uncomfortable in bed with a light off. Can't place why, but I have to have the bedside light on. I also can't spread out in the bed - that just feels strange and wrong, and I remain on my side of the bed. Rather, my usual side of the bed.

Aside from the masses of bureaucracy we're having to fight through, me and Jo are still good friends and communicate in some manner every day. We've been generally chatting more of late, mundane stuff and what have you. We both have our own lives now, plus different experiences with the kids, so we generally just chat. Before the rumour mill goes off into overdrive (as it does), yes, she has a new man in her life, and yes, I am aware of him. I know him, get on well with him, and have no hard feelings nor animosity towards him and, most importantly, I trust him with my kids.

That is all I will say on that matter.

I am generally keeping busy though - housework or shopping, mostly, but also taking time to hang out with friends. I've been at Ruths for a lot, and before the afore-mentioned rumour mill gets ahold of that, Boy+Girl CAN be platonic friends, and that's all there is. She's been cooking for me, making me coffee and entertaining me with free strip shows random conversation and her blondeness. We've been out into town with Alyce, looking after our scatty friend Louise and protecting her from crazy Post Office customers, we've been to a kids party (and survived) at Celetes... On top of this, Facebook has been a big help, and I've been talking to a very old friend that grew up next door to me, as well as others that were part of my childhood.

Seriously think the old crew needs to meet up in the summer at Langdon Hills for a BBQ or something.

Part of me has also been thinking about relationships, the what-if's and everything else. I'm not looking, subconsciously or actively, for someone to be with - I wouldn't even know where to start or what to do. Me and Jo met, and that was it - I was never what you would call a Romeo or Man-Whore. Granted, I had a couple of girlfriends in my teenage years, but nothing long-term, even if they did shape me in some way.

On top of these thoughts, there's also finding someone that will accept me and all my idiosyncrasies - the fact I have kids, the fact I am still on social-terms with Jo, that I am not upping sticks from here, that I am not having more children, as well as my OCD, Anally-Retentiveness, my physical condition, my mental condition...

Such a catch eh!

Still, as I say, I am not looking for anything at the moment - I need my life to be mine before I even contemplating such actions. If something comes along, fine and dandy, but I am not going to put on the glad-rags and hit the dance floors in true Saturday Night Fever style for a long time.

Anyways - I am doing well, and people have commented on how well I am doing, so that is something. I have my crap moments, minutes and hours, but so far *touches wood* so good. I am even seeing the funny side of my life, and some of my friends are in stitches when I manage to slip my new catchphrase into any conversation: *big dramatic sigh* "And she dumped me"

And I do mean I can slip it into anything, from buying milk, discussing the weather, talking about Warcraft... People have started to pre-empt me as well, sighing and saying it for me ;)

Bastards!

So, for the time being, things are ticking over and going as well as they could be. Sure I wish I could change some stuff, previous events and suchlike, but all in all, I think I am doing well for myself and, especially, the kids.


(and I think this is week 6 or 7 of being a single boy!)

Tiredness Is Bad

I hate being tired. Not because I have no energy - I don't have that luxury any more - but because when I get tired, I get paranoid, worried and, especially, my head wanders to bad places.

I can't help it. Before all this, when I was tired, I would sit and think back to the hospital with Bethy, but now my mind flashes me back to all the good times me and Jo had, and how it is now, almost like it's mocking me.

"You lost it, you idiot"

I can't help it. I sit here and my mind just decides to take me back to something, triggered by who knows what. I've always had a very good head for memories, and remember lots of things vividly. Added to this, the Behind the Scenes stuff I don't talk about here - they mount up as well, and sometimes it kills me. I can't understand how I am supposed to press on, I just want to curl up and let the world pass me by.

And then I think of the kids. They are now my biggest priority, and I have to hold it together for them. I worry how this is really going to affect them, if there's some sort of underlying damage being caused.

I just feel like the world is spinning, and I am struggling to keep up with it all. Tiredness just makes me feel defeated. I talk to Jo and hear what she is up to, and look at what I am trying to do here. It's just that she is better able to move on that I am at the moment. It's something she's had time to prepare for, steel herself against and get settled in her head.

But I have to deal with it.

I just want to sleep.

A Sort-Of-First

Today was the first time since the poop hit the fan that the cupboards needed restocking. Even the mice and roaches left, there was so little in the house. Now, before, I could quite merrily go out, buy what we needed and come back, but for some reason, this was a big new thing to me.

Luckily, Jo was on hand to assist.

We met up in town, wandered around the estate agents looking at places to rent and putting her name down for when places come up. Then we went to a little resturant (obviously the kids were with us too) and had lunch, and tackled the shop.

As per the previous blog entry, the shop was Hellish with people wrestling through crowds to get everything they needed. We wandered up and down, going through the things I needed, looking for deals and what-have-you to save money.

All in all, I did rather well, and have restocked the cupboards and fridge/freezer with actual food. Granted, I forgot the dog food, but I went to the local pet shop and bought their over-priced stuff to tide me over, and a rawhide bone as an apology for forgetting her.

But I did it, I shopped, got what was neccesary and didn't go over my budget. Go me.

The fact Jo was there guiding me is not the point though ;)

In The Dark

Another day has drawn to a close - well, another week, finally.

I'm sitting at my computer, a little tired as I had a crap night, but surprisingly I feel a bit... good? I can't really explain it, but I've felt fairly good all day - positive, focused, thinking forwards and, more importantly, thinking straight.

I think the reasoning is simple. No matter how bad something is, it could always be worse. I've always always maintained that, and here I am once again living proof of it. I'm still friends with Jo which is important to me. The kids are understanding and more importantly, Jaysen seems relatively unaffected. Jo is happy, which is always a plus in my book, and, like I said, I have plans and am plotting my rise.

Now, I am not for one nano-second thinking I am "over it" by any means, but if I can sit here and realise I am feeling pretty damn good, then so much the better.

A part of it is the blog, as I tend to keep to myself (much to the chagrin of friends and family) this place is my outlet. THIS is where I rant and rave, this is where I talk about all the shit hitting the proverbial fan. You guys are my ear. I can sit here and rattle off all sorts of reasons why I am up, down, busy, tired, hurting, and I know if anyone can help they will offer.

If I tried to talk like this in person, I'd be all over the place.

Of course, the biggest reason I think I am feeling positive today and this evening is my friends. I've had emails, and texts, and voice mail messages (still not up to talking thanks!) and all sorts to say "Hang in there, you can do it" and once again, I have. I've had offers of a place to hide out literally the length and breadth of the country, from the south, to the west, the east and way north. I've even had a couple of offers of visiting the States and staying with friends over there. I've had invites for a day or two, a long weekend, as long as I want... It's pretty amazing.

The last couple of days I've felt a bit more "normal" which, as you know in this house, isn't much of a judge. "Normal" is very flexible in Chez 0ddness. But I've felt more like me. Yes, I am still hurting, and yes I miss Jo like it's going out of fashion. But I am coping, dealing and even feeling a bit more like the piss-taker I was.

I've even made new friends! Go me! If you're on Facebook, join Human Pets - it's a giggle and you do get chatting with people.

Still, I stand by what I've said since this all started; the very last thing I am looking for is a replacement, a girlfriend, or anything of the sort. I think that's something that will come with time, patience and a heck of a lot of personal growth. For now, I need friends and people to take the piss when I am mean to them.

Not that most of you need telling twice, of course ;)

Late

Last night was a late one. I was hurting so much physically that I could not settle. I went to bed just before ten, and was awake till gone 2am.

My legs hurt, my back hurts, my arms and shoulders hurt, and my head is pounding.

I decided today that if I was going to meltdown physically, I needed to push myself into getting cleared up first. Not that there is much to clear up. A couple of laundry loads, a quick run-around with a broom downstairs, a tidy and a hoover upstairs, bath and loo cleaned.

Of course, The Mother is coming over too, which means I need to bit a teensy bit tidier. Because, well, you know. It's The Mother.

I spoke to Jo this morning. Just chatted about nothing in particular once again, though she did share some interesting third-hand gossip. See, it turns out that an actual Friend of hers believes that Tam is someone elses child completely. Which, while amusing, just shows what that "Friend" really things of Me, of Jo, and everything else.

So he can piss off right now.

Otherwise, with my body doing the Ouchie Tango, I'm sat till The Mother arrives in a while. Later today, Jaysen is off to spend the weekend with Jo, and I've asked (and shall receive!) Tamsyn for the weekend. I've gone from being a family, then to being broken and having Jaysen, to what, this weekend, should be just me - so I asked for Tam to help wean me a bit.

Jaysen will be back Sunday night, and I might well keep Tam an extra day or two so the kids spend time together as well - because let's face it, that's important too.

So while I'm in a better frame of mind today, I've still got a long way to go.

I'll survive.

Another Day

Yesterday was, for all intents and purposes, a shit day. I make no bones about it, but it was a bad day. I think it was partly or even mostly due to it being a week.

A week of being single.

I was tired, I was fed up, I was lonely, and despite people trying to help cheer me up, I was more worried about bringing them down too. I've got stuff I could have been doing, but I just didn't want to. I didn't care if it got done or not, and yesterday was the first day I looked around and thought "Balls to it"

I didn't do anything except fold a bit more of the laundry.

This morning, however, I woke up a bit cheerier, a bit more positive, and have been on the go since 7am. I washed up, tidied up, folded, brought down laundry and was on the go till 0820 when we left.

Jaysen is hobbling on a dodgy knee at the moment - not sure what he's done, but he's suffering, so slow walk to school and I spoke to the office and told them he has to take it easy. If it carries on, I'll have to get him to the doc.

Then I went into town, looked at paint and wallpaper samples, met Gemma, wandered around the park while Amy did her best to escape, then met up with Ruth and helped with her shopping, got her home, unpacked it and I came home with my feet up, only to have to go out on school run again in half an hour.

I've chatted to Jo again today about, well, whatever - just nothing really, making conversation, and I think that is something that makes me feel lighter. I didn't talk to her yesterday and had a bad day, spoken to her today, had a good day. I think it's because I know she's OK and happy and getting on with things that helps me focus myself, where as yesterday I was playing the what-if game, the if-only game and my own personal fav, the why-me game.

So, baby steps. I'm moving forwards very slowly, and that's all I can do.

Lazy

This morning, I didn't want to get up. I just couldn't be bothered. I lay there after turning off the alarm thinking "ugh can't be bothered" and put off getting out the bed for fifteen minutes, I finally clambered out and set to waking up the kids. Well, Jaysen woke up and got up.

Tam didn't want to know - she pissed around till 10pm. I was getting her up till nearly 7.45am when she finally came downstairs BUT she was cheerful which is all good.

That lazy fifteen minutes made me run late though - I showered, washed and dressed the kids, got them fed and sorted, but was late out the door. Halfway to school it threatened to rain but held off till I got in. Phew.

Got in and Tam helped with the laundry. Holy hell there is so much to be caught up on, but dammit I am winning THAT war. I washed up the few bits that had accumulated from the evening and morning, and then sat with Tam while Playhouse Disney was on, playing along with the stuff like patting tummies and what not.

Lane took the Peanut to Jo at about 11am and since then, aside from the occasional bit of laundry, hoovering and putting stuff away, I've done diddly squat. It feels strange. I feel like I should be doing so much more, but I'm not sure what to do. So I sat, feet up, emailing, browsing the web and doing nothing.

As the day starts drawing to a close, I find I am slipping a little back towards Unhappy, but Jaysen is home now so I am about to sort dinner, get tomorrows uniform ready and then, once he's showered and in bed... Who knows. I'll prolly be busy so I don't backslide more, or have an early night.

I'm still missing Jo like crazy, and hate that this is happening, but I am sure I can get through it.

Positive

It occurs to me that I haven't updated today, and perhaps the fact I haven't is a good thing.

The weather forecast today was for "storm of the century" and similar tags, and people have been worried sick. Considering we're only 8 years in, a blustry day could be "storm of the century" but whatever. The weather is the least of my worries OR interests at the moment.

Well, it seems that the country is panicked over some wind and rain. I got cold, I got wet. It's winter - deal with it. Trees down? That's what the wind does.

Get a grip people.

/rant

In the life of Me, however, things are bright still. I was up early with the kids, sorting for school run and even ready early. Tam has been good as gold for me, and even under her rain cover out the worst of the rain and wind she was fine, happy and singing along.

I sent Jo a few texts, questions, sorting other stuff out, as well as sent and received some texts from friends making sure I'm ok. Headed back to Ruths and sat talking away. I was just talking - something I really don't do even when really depressed - the person I usually spoke with would be Jo, but that was sorta difficult ;)

The conversation went from everything to more focused things - namely, item number two on my life - interior decorating. See, when we got our flat, we had to move in ASAP, so we bought a job lot of paint and slapped it up, only decorating occasionally once inside. With the house, similar story - lots of the same colour of paint and sorted through the house.

Over the years, we've decorated extra - mostly paint, some paper, but due to my special nature of being colourblind, Jo would invariably chose colours, soft furnishings and suchlike. I was given the brush and the tin, and told where to slap the colour. But now, now it's different.

So I've got Ruth and Posh Totty helping me with colour charts, what goes with what, what looks nice and so on. Planning what to do where with what, how, who can help - fun.

Of course, when I say "fun" I mean "Holy shit and all that is stressy". I have an idea of what I want, but vocalising - whole different ball game. I'm aiming for light, airy, neutral - but not clinical. I like blues and greys, but I like earthy tones too. The first port of call, as it were, is the kitchen/dining room, which runs from the front to the back of the house, no division wall. I can see a cupboard being built into one of the "nooks" in there, and book shelves in a strange former-fireplace feature in the room...

So, looking through my colour charts, I am looking at a "stony" colour - grey, brown, sort of thing - hard to describe - for the walls. The ceiling will be white. New light fittings. New nets and curtains. The floor will have wood-effect tiles, as I cannot afford laminate regardless. The, skirting boards, door frames, kitchen cupboard doors I'm looking at a sort of light chocolatey brown. I'm thinking the shelves will be this colour as well, as sort of a feature in the dining room.

Now, the general consensus is positive, but I am still not sure. I need to get it straight in my head first. I think I also need to realise that I can do pretty much what I like with it. Usually when I do anything in the house, I discuss it with Jo first, and her power of veto applies.

It's a very strange feeling, making decisions with only people telling me "That will/won't go" and not "I don't like that". Not that Jo ever did - she's also there to help me as well and has offered her help too - an offer I will be taking up no doubt.

Anyway, I've had a good day - not great, as I've been suffering with wandering-mind-syndrome - but I am dealing and coping today. I've not really done a lot today as I am in all sorts of agony, but I don't need to kill myself each day.

Jo called earlier - she was talking to the Benefits Agency this morning, and they dropped yet another dirty great lump od spanner-shaped metal into the works. Despite me and Jo working things out, despite us remaining friends in constant contact and having joint-custody of the kids, she has been instructed that she must contact the Child Support Agency (CSA) and claim for maintenance from me. She explained we've made our own arrangements and that she didn't want to get them involved (as they are notoriously evil against people).

However, if she DOESN'T claim, she will have money stopped from her benefit. WHY I have no idea, but she called me up and had no idea what to do. I told her if it comes to it, that she SHOULD claim to prevent her losing money, and then we'll just say we are doing it. To make sure, though, I made sure she called the CSA and spoke with them.

Turns out they aren't quite the Ogres that people make them out to be. Nope, the lady she spoke to was very helpful and told Jo not to panic, as the form as a special section for private arrangements, she fills that out and writes that we are having joint custody, and sharing the costs and expenses, then that'll be taken into account and all should be rosy.

BUT it does raise an interesting point. The "system" has often been criticised for being very "on the womans side", and I never really believed it - until I got caught up in it. Jo calls one number - they do it all for her. I call one number, and get told to call eight others. Jo gets told to get the CSA on me. However, I'm told nothing - surely they should have told me to claim CSA from Jo as I have the kids too?

But, none the less, I won't let the buggers get me down. Me and Jo are working through our problems to make the best of both our lives and, most importantly, make the kids have great lives. Why does it seem there is so much red-tape, and so many hurdles in the way. We're working through it all, and people keep trying to make it harder.

Hurrah for those that are there for us. And sorry this is a long-winded one.

Backsliding

Both kids are here now, and I've just made them dinner. I've been intentionally keeping busy this afternoon as I've felt myself sliding backwards. I've got so much to do, but I just want to pack it in, curl up and vanish.

Because I want her back.

I'm trying to concentrate on everything else, chatting and playing with the kids, clearing up and sorting stuff out, but my mind is on Jo and what I could or should be doing to get her back, even though I know it'll never happen. On top of that, I've been remembering, thinking back over our time together, from first dates, things we've seen and done...

I'm a shell. Outside I am Dan, trying to hold it all together. Inside I am screaming and lost.

I'm sure I'm stuck in a nightmare, a drug-induced hallucination, that I will wake up and she'll be there smiling and arms open to me, but I know she's gone. And I feel useless. I feel lost without her. I am missing the biggest part of my life, and don't know what I can do to move on, to repair it or anything.

I'm holding myself together for the kids at the moment. I just find the later in the day I get to, I want to just break down. I'll prolly be OK in a while, but for now, I am sitting, writing, and lonely, even with friends just a phone call away.

I want Jo. That is all.