Apparently I Need Some...

A Mixed Bag o' Stuff

Today has been... erm... a little bit up and down, really. I'm not sure about the rest of the world out there, but over here, it was Fathers Day. Now, I think I might have touched on it before, but it's really not a day I associate with good times. Firstly, I don't need a day for my kids to tell me they love me, that I'm great or anything else - it's like an annual review... If I were a bad daddy, would I have been fired today? Would I have been put on probation and demoted (to mummy....!)

Anyway, without going into all the detail - those who know, know - my main reason for not liking Fathers Day is the fact that it is made abundantly clear that I am missing one.

Despite having been up on cloud nine for the last couple of weeks, today loomed, and marched inorexibly forwards till I woke up this morning and thought the most profound of thoughts.

"Arse"

So, with Ruth having her family down, I called her to make sure she was up and at 'em. Then I rolled out of bed, sorted myself out, threw on some clothes, and left the house. I only had one place on my mind. Bethany's Garden.

I walked there which in itself is a fair walk, but I NEEDED to do it. I've been thinking about it of late, and since the split knew I would have to go there. For ME, before anyone asks. So, I didn't tell anyone because I knew people would say things like "Good luck" and "You can do it" and other messages that would make me NOT want to go. I didn't plan it, simply because if I knew I was going on Day X at Time Y, I wouldn't go.

I even turned my phones off.

Walking there with my music, no problem. Lovely day, all was good. Got up there and went straight to her garden, where I knelt and felt sad but wasn't crying. Thanks to the rather mental weather, the grass up there has had a mental spurt and was growing through, so I pulled up a load of grass, emptied some dead flowers out and stood up little toys that had been knocked over. I sat up there for a little while, talking softly to her, before heading out.

And that is when I lost it. Not the going. Not the seeing. Not the talking to. But turning away from her and walking from where she is. Just like the day I lost her. I didn't hide my tears - I wasn't going to make excuses to anyone for them, and got to the gates, where I called Jo to let her know where I was. We had a little chat, and she told me her plans to redo it in the coming weeks.

I finished chatting to Jo and felt a bit more with it, and sent a couple of messages off to Kellie - she was out with her extended family-that-isn't-but-none-the-less having a party, so I didn't call her. Then I noticed the texts received, missed calls and voice mail alerts.

Turns out just after I left the house, Ruth tried to call - I was supposed to take my big pan to her as she was feeding the five thousand, but had forgotten and was out. Of course, Dan not answering one of his three phones, not responding to text nor voice mail, and, as far as the world knew, still at home.

Yeah, you can see where this is going.

So I panicked Ruth, who in turn woke up Cel (who has a key for dog-purposes) as Silent Dan is pretty much unheard of. So I had to speak to her and apologise for being incommunicado. Panic over, though it did make me smile a little. Especially as I knew the main bolt was on my front door, so Cel's key would have done precisely nothing - well, aside from make the girls actually urinate in their undies.

On the way home - walking, still - I had a few texts from Kellie which made me smile and cheered me up a bit more. By the time I got in, I was pretty much OK, just a bit sad still. Sad is better than batshit mental ;)

I grabbed some food and headed to Ruth with my pan, having someone tell me en route that I "looked like a bit of a mental" to which I replied "No, it's OK, I'm just a pot dealer" and wiggled my very large saucepan at him. Got to Ruth, sat down for a coffee and her tribe arrived. Then they left and I quickly mowed her lawn (which, I should add, had also gone f'king mental from this weather!) which I did a stunning job of. Then we had a chat and I went back home.

Once home, I sat and watched the last of House, Season Three (Oh, and thanks to the writer to include a little blonde girl that needs heart surgery, suffers a stroke, and her fav. toy is her stuffed bunny), while drinking coffee and chilling out. Oh, and hearing from Kellie on how her day was going - short description might be "mad house". Then, early evening, the boy came home and we chilled out together for a while, sharing weekend stories as we do, till he had a shower and went to bed. Well, just before he went to bed, Lane turned up to see how I was doing. She started trying to go depressive on me, so I beat her up a bit and kicked her out of the house. With Sally not sure if she should be attacking me or attacking the stalker... So she covered both bases before Lane drove off.

And finally, after all day of both of us being all over the place, I finally managed to get Kellie on the phone, and we sat and talked, and grinned, and giggled and sat quietly... Ahhh shuddup ;) It was my longest phone call since... erm... wow, ever I think! Just over two hours we talked. Can you tell I miss her.

Rhetorical question ;)

After that, I fiddled around on Plurk for a while - if you don't use it, learn, because it's great. And then, while laying here trying to sleep, I decided I needed to blog.

So, as you can see, as is usual for Chéz 0ddness, it's been a bit of a strange day really. I think I covered a good range of emotions! But even with ALL that, with everything going on - I'm still off the meds!

And in other news, as a side note, a PS or addendum... I've added a couple of new blogs to the side bar you should go read!

Geek Mama: Does as it says on the tin. She's a mummy... That's a geek.

OK, erm... *blush* the other two appear to have NOT saved - so I will add them to this list in the morning! Oopsie... I'm tired, sue me! Otherwise, I am feeling good once again. Really good. Me and Kellie have spoken about a lot of stuff that I've had in my little "Bag of Stuff", but she accepts I'm a bit of a mixed bag, and is quite happy with that. I know there are times I can be a bit... or, rather, a lot... Dan. I'm not what I would consider a normal, stable person, but she seems to like me for me, which is the most important part. Thankfully, we agree this is me:


Thank you Mr Shrek, for describing me perfectly ;)

Crash!

Something I've noticed more and more of late is my energy levels, or, more specifically, how my energy banks seem to have a leaky valve somewhere. It's very hard to explain to people without sounding stranger than usual, but I think I need to talk to the doc about it.

There are three "periods" during the day that my body tries to shut itself down if I am not doing stuff. Late morning - half ten to midday ish; Early afternoon - one to two ish; and Late afternoon/Early evening from about four till half six ish. It's not every one of these times, and it's not every day it happens, but most days, you can pretty much bet that I will find myself literally crashing out. And if none of these, then I will drop while in bed, or while trying to stay awake in the night.

I can almost fight it off if I push myself up and do stuff, but more often than not it literally lands on my lap and I only realise it's happened when I am waking up. If I am out and about, it's not a problem, I just yawn a lot but I don't do any of this falling over asleep thing, nor do I nod off on public transport.

It might be that I am reading, I might be playing on the web, watching a DVD, even playing Warcraft. I've fallen asleep mid-text, mid-msn conversation, while blogging, and almost nodded off while chatting to people on the phone. Even if I am with company, sitting down watching or doing something, I can be using every shred of my being to fight off dozing off. When I was with Posh Totty a couple of weeks back, Posh, Mr Posh and myself were sitting watching a movie, and I kept doing the Heavy-Head-Jolt-Thing as I was nodding off. Same thing week before last while sitting at Kellies watching TV - I kept jolting myself awake - which was a moot point as she had already flaked on the other end of the settee, but still...

Now, I'm more inclined to believe that it's either a side-effect of coming off the Paroxitine, coupled with my Chronic Fatigue. I am 99% sure I don't have something like Narcolepsy or anything equally strange. With my life change, I am a lot busier than I was, so maybe it's just my body trying to catch a break. I'm up early, busy during the day, busy in the evenings, out and about at weekends... Maybe I just need my batteries recharged.

Thanks to Dr. Cassandra I'm on multivitamins and suchlike, plus I have pure juice each day AND, despite my previous "no no no" stuff, I have a daily probiotic thingiemajigg that I have with my breakfast. I'm not eating crap foods, and easily doing my "five a day" milarky as well, plus, with the amount of tea and coffee I drink in a day you'd think I would be jittering and vibrating like that rabbit... No, let me rephrase that... Like that Battery Bunny ;)

So, if ever we're chatting on some medium or another and I suddenly go silent, you'll know why.

Off The Meds

Usually this would mean something bad, being "Off the meds" however... Not in this case. As I think I might have mentioned a while back, I have slowly been weaning myself off my Brain Medicine.

That'd be my Anti-Depressants.

My doctor wasn't particularly helpful when I suggested a while back I wanted off them, but I KNEW I wanted - and needed - to be off them. So, with his prescription clutched in my hand, I decided to do it myself. I considered Cold Turkey, but paroxetine - or Paxil, as the American readers will know - has a lot of very screwy side effects.

I've mentioned my zaps before, a horrible thing I suffered from a lot, and people that know me often ask why I suddenly gasp or whatever while doing, well, whatever. Yeah, that'd be the zaps. Search the blog if you want to know more.

Anyway, I reduced my dose, the timing of my dose, and put up with some of the side effects that tried to blind side me. But I'm a clever banana, I was ready for them. I had the meds to stop the stomach upset and the polar opposite of not going at all. I've had meds to stop me puking. The visual disturbances and hallucinations I've dealt with by keeping notes of important things I do/say so I don't get confused. I've made myself eat just a little even if I couldn't face food.

I went from one pill a day to one every other day. Then tried skipping a couple of days, but it didn't like that. I then took half a pill each day, then skipped a day, then took it for a few days in a row, then skipped two days - and so on. Like I say, I've been dealing with side effects, but I HAD to do this. Not for you, not for him, for her, for them, but for ME.

It's now been seven and a half days since I took my last one. I've had a few funny turns, but thankfully having ManFlu has been a godsend (and probably a side effect!) as I've been able to sleep through most of it all. Downside is my sleep patterns have been wobbly thanks to sleeping day and night, but it was worth it.

Having done my reading, I know the zaps will probably carry on for a while. Months, according to some sites. But I can handle that. Let's face it, I wasn't the smartest banana at taking my meds on time, so have been a little zap-bunny for a while anyways.

How do I feel? Actually, I feel pretty f'king good. Despite everything that has gone on in my life of late, I am taking life by the ears and doing what I like with it ;) I'm happy, but I don't mean I was UNhappy with Jo... I've already spoken to her this morning about some stuff, and she said she's impressed and proud of me for how I've dealt with everything, and that it's nice to see the old me back on the streets.

Don't get me wrong, I am not saying "Yay! I'm CURED!" not by a long chalk - the meds were a crutch for me, they helped me through a bad time in my life, but with my life changing drastically, I don't want that crutch anymore. I have people I can lean on when I DO need help, and last week's Bethy moment just shows I'm not going to be all tinkerbells and la-la land happy. Life, at times, sucks the big fat floppy one. I know that - I've lived through that, but I've lived through that. I don't know what the future holds for me, but for now, I love my life, and that crutch can piss off.

Just another step on the road of getting back to be the normally-deranged Dan.

The Next Stage

After what feels like an eternity, Jo called yesterday and told me that finally, she had managed to get a house. This has been through no fault of her own, but it was pretty much the last big step that needed sorting.

She sorted out the paperwork yesterday, and can move in "any time from Monday" which is excellent. Excellent for Jo - she can sort herself out and get out of her parents. Excellent for the Kids - they can stay with her now in her own home, without that worry of breaking grandparents possessions. Excellent for Me because I can start clearing through each room and getting "her" stuff and "my" stuff sorted out.

Don't get me wrong, I don't have any problem with "her" stuff being here, but I can't really rip each room out without figuring who's is who's. The hardest part will be the seperating of stuff - over the years, WE bought stuff, or stuff for one another. Of course, there are things that are obviously the others, but we'll just sit and work through it.

As we do ;)

It's not a massive panic either - one room at a time, nice leisurely going through cupboards, draws, units and what-have-you. Once she has taken her stuff from a room, I can be harsh and bin what I don't need/want, and job done - one room cleared. Rinse and repeat throughout the house, and hopefully it'll be done in time. Again, no rush, but will be nice to have less stuff in the house.

Less Stuff = Less Mess = Less Housework - and that's all kinds of good.

Before anyone starts jumping on the "Don't dump perfectly good stuff!" anything decent left over will be either given away, sold, or handed to those in need. The various items of "clutter" we have collected will probably get sent to the great Landfill in the Sky.

Once that is all sorted, then I can prepare each room for decoration. And then, by about Xmas time, the stupid-ass government departments sorting my money out will realise they are pissing me off and pay me so I can actually afford to buy decorating stuff. I also need to look into Laptop Repairs or, if that will be too expensive, a new laptop. SO angry that my nice one blew - thanks to Matt and Sam on Twitter, I'm going to check around see if it's a common problem with that brand, but I'm not holding my breath. I also - foooooolishly - don't have the receipt for it, so not sure if I call the makers if they will cover it under the warrenty. I miss my laptop. Pretty sure it is the internal power supply, but unlike a proper computer, I have no idea how, if at all, you repair/replace one. All suggestions and similar gratefully appreciated - I can't listen to music downstairs, I can't piss around online in bed, I can't sit on the balcony and blog, and the camera is now isolated to the lounge window. I can't even MSN or play WoW sitting on the toilet...

*cries*

Still, aside from that, things are still rosey - if a little painful physically from being so busy of late - but I'll get over it. Finally got a repeat prescription so I can continue self-weaning myself off the Paroxetine/Paxil under my own steam, so all is good really.

But I still miss my laptop.

Having Nightmare Day(s)

With us toddling off to a friends for the weekend, we decided to fiddle the laptop into getting Warcraft to run so we're not left out. Well, I decided it wouldn't hurt to reinstall the laptop, and a couple of days back, set to the "Backup/Copy/Reinstall" formula that some of you know so well.

And I got the bloody thing running again TODAY. It's just been a complete f'ing bitch to sort out, with errors and whatnot, but finally, I beat it into submission and now have a laptop that can run WoW - it'll be low quality, but it works, and that's a win in my book.

This morning Jaysen was a pain in the ass and was arguing and bitching about everything. A few late nights in a row and he becomes Satan incarnate. Anything and everything that could go wrong DID go wrong today, not to mention the house appeared to resemble a squat. Thankfully, my shouting and ranting at The Boy this morning woke up Jo, and while I was doing the school run - running late, no less - she set to deshitifying the house.

I'm tired, I ache, and just pissed off. I am SO looking forward to escaping for the weekend!

Saw the doctor yesterday finally, after getting accepted to the new surgery. However, we saw the Nurse, not the doc for whatever reasons, which means the meds I ran out of night-before-last but was expecting to get replaced yesterday... Well, hopefully I'll get a refill by Friday morning or the weekend will be... interesting.

We went to Jo's parents last night for Halloween. Her mum makes a mean chunky chilli, the kids dress up and hand out the sweets to the kids knocking on the doors, and generally act social. However... Within 15 minutes of walking in, Jo's dad gave me his laptop and said "computery things - fix the sound". I spent 45 minutes getting pissed off at someone elses computer (remember, at this point, I was losing in a fight against my own machine!), and could NOT figure it out. I threw in the towel, when Jo's mum leaned in and turned up the volume control on the side.

I couldn't make this shit up ;)

It was just one thing after another, and by 8.30pm, I was ready for bed. My laptop had other ideas, and I sat up till gone 11pm screaming at the stupid thing. I won though.

Anyways, we're now into November. Joy. Xmas is looming, the shops in town at getting worse, but on the bright side, there is plenty of Stollen for me to gorge myself on. Mmmmm...

As for the boobies of October - I still have a couple of Female-Pairs to put up, and then, just for the girls, I will do a post of Moobs. I have mine still to post, and a few pairs that have been sent to me, so fair is fair, after all. As it stands, I've got just over £15 to donate to a Breast Cancer charity from the girlies, and probably another £5 or so for the moobs. Not too shabby, really.

And I have received a challenge from someone. If I start "training" now, she will stump up £50 for me to do a walk of at least 26 miles in 2009. That's a marathon. This is my own fault for mentioning I'd love to do something walkie-based for charity, and so there it is. Gauntlet thrown.

And who am I to engage common sense?! So in the next few days/weeks/months, I have to decide on What and Where I am going to do, and figure out some kind of "get slightly fitter so I don't fall over" scheme. Happy Days.

If you have any suggestions, I'm all ears. I'm rather fond of trying to find a 26-mile slope and buying a pair of roller skates... And for the bloody-minded among you, yes, I have a passport!

Withdrawl Sucks

That sums it up and covers everything.
Yes, still really suffering today and hating every second of it. And "might" see the doctor tomorrow if I am lucky.
That is all.

Head: Offline

Well, I woke up this morning (cue blues music) and felt crap. A few weeks ago, our family doctor who was struck off on a long-term basis decided to retire. He gave us three weeks notice. Of course, for almost two of those weeks, we were in Holland.

Last week, I started running low on my meds, and in order to make them last while we find a new GP, I've been skipping doses.

Yes, I now realise how bad that sounds.

Yesterday I was twitching and zapping and felt crap. This morning - after a diabolical night - I woke up and didn't know what the hell I was doing, what was going on or anything. I had completely lost the plot and felt like shit. Paroxitine (Paxil) withdrawl is not fun. I was babbling, I was dizzy, stumbling, couldn't form a sentence properly... And then I burst into tears. I just didn't know what anything was and was completely spazzing out.

Jo zoomed out the front door to our nearest GP, said "we need you to be our doc" and they agreed to see me tomorrow. I have two pills left (one of which I've already taken) so they should be able to help. Talk about a nightmare. The zaps are nearly constant, but fading in their intensity, but I am an emotional wreck.

Cold Turkey is bad, mmkay.

Still, at least now we probably have a new GP who is highly rated, and I have realised that I am not quite ready to cease my addiction ;)

Damn It!

As if it wasn't mad enough here, as if lack of sleep, lack of pain killers, idiot animals, extra housework and everything else, I found another surprise this morning.

My mobile has been cut off. So till Monday, I can't post from my mobile, can't send texts, can't call out. DAAAAAMN IT!!

You can guarantee when everything is going pearshaped, something else will jump on the bandwagon!

In other news, we had to pop to the doctors this morning to collect our prescriptions. The surgery is on Noak Bridge, an estate around here that many many years ago was Little Dans stomping ground. Shows how much time changes all things, as after working it out, I was six or seven when I used to charge around and play with my friends. Now, Jaysen is eight and I wouldnt dream of letting him out - too many weirdos.

But, wandering around Noak Bridge, seeing my old school, the old shop, the pond and park, even the streets - I don't know, it was nice to take a trip down memory lane. It's scary how much of that estate has remained as I remember it!

And so, phoneless and knackered, I need to sort out some laundry :(

Bit Of *BZZZ* A Strange *BZZZ* Day

There's one thing with being on Paroxetine. It's good in that it's an anti-depressant, but it's bad if I miss a dose. Like yesterday, and 3pm today while I realised I missed it this morning.

Now, you might be scratching your head in regards to this tablet name, but you know it, most likely as Paxil, especially if you're an American and know of all the controversy surrounding it.

Don't get me wrong, I noticed a massive improvement in my general self a couple of weeks after starting it, and while I have "Bad Days", missing a dose, or even missing it by just a handful of hours, brings on a side effect known as "The Zaps". I've had them all day, and they mess with my concentration, balance, train of thought... It's hard to explain, but various descriptions range from having a blanket of static dragged over the head, to low-level electrical discharges pulsing down through the body.

Added with the vertigo, I look like some really crap breakdancer. I'll be mid-way through a sentence, and will pause as I get a BZZZ! down through me which makes me pause and look even crazier than usual.

Now, hopefully, now that I've taken my tablet, and should remember to take it in the morning, I will be back to normal by lunchtime. But for now, I'm just the energizer bunny with a loose wire.

And The Weekend Finished

After a nice chill-out day on Saturday, I had hoped that Sunday would be much of the same - that is, nothing interesting happening. Saturday night, I could not sleep, and I think in total, I had something like three hours of broken, non-restful sleep. I gave up trying at 5am and crawled out of bed.

After a few minutes, it was obvious Sunday was going to be one of those days. My head started to thump, and I could smell that funny smell I detect when I have a migraine coming. Joy. So I took some pills, but the icky headache remained, as did The Smell. On the bright-ish-side, it didn't become a full blow migrane.

As for the smell, there is only one way I can describe it. Poo. Shit. Crap. OK, so that's three ways, but none the less, THAT is what I smell when my head hurts. All. Day.

Added to this, the lack of sleep meant I had a crappy day. I wasn't sad exactly, but I was down, I didn't know what to do with myself, and I was generally in a pants mood all day.

Oh, and my back was hurting too.

People keep telling me "Go to the doc, get help sleeping" but here's the thing - I don't WANT to go to the doctors, I don't WANT to rely on pills to control another aspect of my life, and I don't WANT to take pills in order to knock me out. As it is, I rattle with the painkillers, the antidepressants, the anti inflammatories, the migraine pills... More Pills = More Side Effects, and I just can't be dealing with that at the moment. Yeah, I might sleep, but I'll probably end up puking all day, or my hair will fall out, or my piss will turn sparkly green.

Well, the last would be cool, but the rest - no thanks.

So anyway, here we are, Monday morning, the smell of shit firmly in my nose, my hands and feet swollen and the headache is playing around in my noggin. Guess it's time for the school run!

Flu-Monia, or "Yes, We're Sick"

Yes folks, it finally happened. The dreaded Manflu has ungone a change on a genetic level, and has become the dreaded Flu-Monia. I feel like someone has actually kicked me in every part of the body, that someone has gone my internal thermostat and is cranking it up to "Sweat you fatty!" and dropping it all the way down to "Brass Monkeys!" in quick succession. I am also acting as the human vibrator with shivering and suchlike which is equally fun.

You should consider yourselves lucky you're not getting detailed snot descriptions. Suffice to say, I have a new method to hang wallpaper.

Added to this fun, Jo is also poorly. Lucky for her, the dreaded Manflu and dreaded Flu-Monia does not affect the female of the species. She's not well either, so we're kinda alternating our Meds-That-Do-Nothing-But-You-Buy-Them-Anyway so one of us is slightly better, does something, then collapses, and the other takes over. It seems to work, so yay for the sickies able to form conscious planning.

About an hour ago, I also felt the startings of what I now know to be "officially" a migraine; the sparkling in one eye, the smell-that-isn't-there and the twinges in the side of my nogging. As the pain started to kick in, I popped one of my new pills. So far, I can still feel it building, so I have to wait an hour and take another pill, or go sleep it off. Yuck. I really hope this pill does the trick, as I hate headaches.

So, aside from early early nights, medicine times, and having a complete lack of taste, all is ticking over. And, as I know some of you appreciate it, the weirdos are out in force again, finding 0ddness in whatever fun methods they use...

Ah yes, the surgery defects, the MILF next door, pervs, and blue assed flies. These people make me warm and fuzzy. And now, me and my big green jumper are going to relax.

Oooh My Head

Here's how out of it I've been of late... Bear in mind I usually post when something even as far from interesting as you get happens, I've missed a few key moments of late.

The Weather:
Yes, England had snow, and while the north got a fair few inches, the rest of us got a mere dusting. Once again, in True Brit fashion, the country ground to a halt. Cars abandoned, roads closed, train services and airlines not running... Oh, and all spread across the front pages of everything. It didn't even stay on the ground for more than 36 hours!

The Telly:
Celeb Big Brother and it's racism row. I don't watch it at the best of times, let alone when it's the celeb version. But it's all that the press has been squealing about of late. Bless.

Tamsyn:
Has used the potty. Has also started coming out with occasional words that you can hear mixed in with the babble-blabble.

Me:
Got a call last week from the surgery - seems the optician was worried about my constant headaches and very-regular migraines, and wanted me referred to the Neurological Unit in Hospital. Yikes. Doctor wanted to see me first, see what was what, and I went today...

Lovely woman, filling in for my current doctor who is on suspension for "Out of date practices". Woot. Anyway, I went into great detail about my headaches, how they start, how they go, how they last, what happens, etc etc. Seems I have a extra-high rate of Migraine with Aura, and we're starting on yet another kind of medication that could help, and if not, we try another, then another, and maybe a preventative instead of a curative. All very interesting stuff, and has answered a lot of questions, especially the "Aura" part, which are something else that comes along as sort of a warning sign.

So I can rest easy and not worry about what's happening inside my noggin. Now when I get a Migraine, I have to pop a Sumatriptan tablet, and if it doesn't help, another 2 hours later. If that doesn't help, tough - no more for 24 hours!

Jo had another meeting with her bereavement councillor this morning and I was there with her, sort of out the way while I read the info on my head. Woman is lovely, and after a while, she started chatting to me. I felt like I was intruding, but both Jo and her were happy for me to be there. I spoke about some stuff, and we discussed a few bits and bobs that seem to make sense, but I will leave that to Jo to post about. Needless to say, we spoke about some more hard stuff once again, but I can understand what she was talking about.

And lastly - I've been saving up all the Meme thingies from the last month to hit out in one fel-swoop. While Christine has done one, Cass has been a busy (bored!) little bunny and done a load. So the post after this one is VERY long winded!

And as a side note, has it ever occured to anyone that these Meme things could be used for nefarious deeds, such as burglary or identity theft? If you read enough from one person, you can put together a pretty good picture of hours they keep, where they go and who they are with, personal family information, what you have of value, important dates and anniversaries...

Or is that just my paranoia striking? Give it a thought ;)

Autumn

So with a gradual couple of weeks warning, Autumn has well and truly arrived. I got soaked on the way to school - pouring rain coupled with driving wind. Got the bus to town, grabbed some shopping I forgot yesterday, bus home - rain poured on me so I got soaked again. Then afternoon school run heading into school - got rained on for a third time.

It's cold, it's wet, it's windy. But oddly, I feel pretty good. Tired from being busy, but good. Reading my med packet, it says that my pills start working on average after a couple of weeks,but can start within just a few days. I just feel, I don't know, better.

I've been reading some very interesting sites about Paroxetine - Paxil to you Americans - and it seems a lot of people have a lot of problems on it, but it would seem it is prescribed for pretty much any problem (like Social Anxiety!) in the States, while over here, it's just for depression. Most - not all - but most of the sites are US-based problems, and I'm not worried at all. If it works, all good for me.

So, aside from getting soggy, braving the crowds of town, taking pills and generally being useless, I've had a quiet day! Jo is still hurting like hell, so on my other pills (not the crazy ones!) and sleeping it off. Tam is finally having a nap, Jaysen is on the computer, and I am watching The Wild. Again.

In A Bit of a Rut

So, Jo has posted about me being down in the dumps again, and she is kinda, sorta right. My back has been giving me real shite of late, and that wears me down. Not wanting to take my super evil painkillers, I'm not sleeping much at night again - last night I dozed on and off till about 5am when I finally drifted off, only to be woken at 7am by the alarm.

Lack of sleep works wonders on the concentration - or lack thereof, thus I find myself reliving the hospital experiences with Bethy, which bring me down as well. I'm stressed out because I am tired, which in turn gives me a head ache, which in turn makes me moody.

Can you imagine trying to live with me!

So anyways, I am taking it easy for a few days - to hell with the housework (well, sort of). The only thing left to do is start on the Amitriptyline, and you already know my thoughts on that...

I just need sleep - which, amusingly, I just can't do during the day unless I am sick as a dog.