Nineteen Years?

To My Beautiful Angel, Bethany...

I can't understand how it has been nineteen years since you left. And for whatever reasons, these last couple of years have been really hard. Really, really difficult. Valentines rolls around, and I remember that is the day when things really started to go south, and then the litany of problems that just cascaded, culminating into, well... This.

Nineteen years is a long time, but at the same time, it feels like no time at all has passed. And I try to look back and remember the good, the fun, the laughing, your running about like a lunatic, your cheekiness, and I hold on to the silly little things you used to do, from reciting your alphabet, to just leaning towards me and putting your hands on either side of my face and just... Looking. Just eye contact, looking into each others eyes.

And this last couple of years, I have done my best to not make you cross with how I've been, but it's been hard. Everything has worked against me, and I am just so tired, so fed up, exhaustion, pain... Everything has been a lot, and I keep putting one foot in front of the other, and most days I don't even know how I am constantly pushing forwards.

To say I miss you is a massive understatement. To say the pain goes away after almost two decades is laughable. To say I'm fine and I'm over it would be a lie. Granted, I can talk about you to anyone, and Poppy is always asking questions about you - what you were like, what you enjoyed, what made you laugh... I see so much of her in you some days. Your kindness and unlimited love for literally anyone and everyone. Her anger at injustice and rudeness. Her sense of humour. Her naughty streak... And she tells her friends about you, much like I tell my friends about you, and she says it like she knew you.

Maybe she does. I wouldn't be surprised if you have checked in on her since she was born. I know when you've come to see me, when you're in my dreams and you just sit on my lap with your little arms around my neck. 

Just know that everyone who matters knows about my little Angel Bethy. Even people that don't matter know about you, and all these years later, I know that a great many people around the world think fondly of you, and miss you, especially today. Apart from how much of an impact you made on my life, you touched more people than you could ever possibly know.

You are truly a little marvel, and you are missed every single day.

See you in the future, my Bethy... I see you baby.

I always see you.

Daddy
x

Sixteen Years

Sixteen years.

It seems like - and almost literally is - a lifetime. In that time, a child is born, raised, and here in the UK, they're ready to go to college or, if they decide, out into the world, qualifications in hand.

And yet, for me, sometimes it feels like just the blink of an eye.

Sixteen years ago, you left. You dealt with so much in your four short years, and enough was enough. You gave me so much love, so many amazing cuddles, made me laugh untold numbers of time, but today, it's hard to think of much else except that day in the hospital, sixteen years ago.

Don't get me wrong - I am not dwelling on that day, those final hours, minutes and moments - not intentionally. But flashes of it come back to me despite pushing them aside. 12.21pm. That bloody picture on the wall of the fish. A sound. A smell. A movement you made, making me think the doctors were wrong...

Without meaning to sound dramatic, that day when you left, I know part of me left with you. People say how a part of them died, and I completely understand what they mean, without actually understanding what or how.

But regardless of any of the horrific thoughts and memories from that day, I still have four years of memories of you, my beautiful gorgeous, Bethany. 

Four years of you laughing, giggling, cuddling, playing, and yes, even being a monster that could destroy two bedrooms in the space of half an hour. The child that helped shave and colour in our old dog - two different incidents in fact. The same little girl that, assisted by her big brother, managed to "accidentally" tip a huge bucket of paint onto a carpeted floor, and - again, a separate incident - managed to rip open a bean bag so the polystyrene balls covered two our of three floors of the house.

The same polystyrene balls that you "accidentally" managed to re-explode all over the garden days later.

But sixteen years is hard for me to swallow. I don't know why, I don't understand my emotions at the best of times, but today just feels hard...

Just know, my Bethy, that you are greatly missed - even by people that have never met you. You are still greatly loved, again, by people that never got to see you. I know I will see you again one day my little gorgeous, and then we can have all the fun and dancing and cuddles to make up for our lost time.

I see you baby...

Two Decades...

With the last year seemingly out of control, and 2021 appearing to be no better, it surprises and amazes me that today would be Bethanys 20th birthday. 

Twenty years. 

Twenty years ago I sat there as she was born, not knowing what her future would hold - not even knowing what the coming hours would hold for her, let alone the coming days, weeks and months. As it turned out, the first week of her life was a complete and utter shitstorm of things, with new stuff being discovered to be wrong with her literally every day. 

I can still remember every part of that first week, with a different specialist being introduced every single day, with a look on their face that you just knew meant "uh oh" and that they had to break some new medical issue to you.

But, if you knew that tiny little baby, Bethany fought through every single thing thrown at her that week. And it blows my mind that it was TWENTY years ago that this all happened. People say time is a great healer, but it's really not. Time makes things feel different. Time doesn't heal anything, it just makes it different.

And as is usual on her birthday, I try to picture what she would look like, what she would be doing, what sort of person would she be. I admit, with everything going on - personally and in the world - my brain isn't in the best of places of late, and it's hard to remember it's her birthday, a happy day... I have to fight to remember the good, the happy, the funny... You'd have thought after so many years of practice it would be a simple thing, but who knows how my head works the way it does.

To my beautiful birthday girl, Bethy, 

Happy Birthday my little love. I can't believe you would be twenty today. Twenty years old. It just sounds crazy to me. 

As ever, I think about what you would be doing - would you be working, would you be at university, would you have a partner? Would your hair be long, finally, or have you given up trying to grow it and just keep it short? Do you drive? Do you still live here, or have your own place? What have you been through with doctors and hospitals over the years?

I think about all that sort of thing a lot, but more so today. Today brings the daily stuff into sharper focus.

I think about what sort of interactions you would have with Dom and his fiancée Lucina. How would you and Jaysen be together? Would you be fussing over Molly now she's expecting her first baby with Korbon? What would you be doing for Tamsyn now she is he and called Theo? Would you be living with Kellie and I, or would we be coming to visit you are your place?

Regardless of any of that, I just want you to know that regardless of anything, as ever, you would be incredibly loved. You are still, incredibly loved. I think about you every day, and miss you every day. Today being your birthday brings it to the forefront of my mind more strongly, and I can't help but feel pain that you are not here, that I can't give you a birthday cuddle, or ply you with cake and presents. I miss having cuddles from that crazy little girl, and miss the fact I've not had cuddles from the bigger girl, the teenager and the adult. I can feel with every part of me, you would have done incredible things as you grew older, and almost pity everyone that never met you or knew you.

Everything about you made the world a better place my Bethy, and selfishly, I wish you were here, now, in the world, doing what you did best - making me laugh and giving the strongest little cuddles ever.

Happy birthday my beautiful little baby.

And as ever, I See You Baby...

Always.

Lots of love,

Daddy

   x

Nineteen...

Ok so I admit I am writing this on the 16th, but, well, I couldn't bring myself to do it on the 15th, Bethys birthday... Her 19th birthday no less.

It's now the middle of the night, and my mind has been a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions for close to 24 hours now, and while the last year has been absolutely crap, I need to blog for my beautiful baby's birthday.

As ever, it feels like just yesterday that she was born. Just yesterday the tiny little bundle was handed to me. That I held her tight and close before she was whisked off to the Intensive Care. Just yesterday that my little Bethy started fighting tooth and nail.

After all these years, I still remember her milestones - crawling, talking, walking, starting nursery... And I am loathe to admit that I even worked out late one night when Poppy would be the same age as Bethy when she left. And I see so much of Bethy in Poppy, it's uncanny. And now, I watch Poppy grow up, start hitting the milestones Bethy never did.
And of course, Poppy is fully aware of Bethany - she asks about her, talks about her, says things like what she and Bethy are going to do and have done together already... Yes, there is a lot of Bethy in Poppy - or, is there a lot of Poppy in Bethy?

Obviously, I know they are two different little girls separated by a vast gulf of time, but when I can think of Bethy as growing up "just yesterday" its hard to not imagine them growing up together. Bethy did this, so Poppy would do it too. Poppy is doing that, so Bethy would be doing it too. I find it hard to picture Bethy as being older than, well, ALL the girls - a year and a bit older than Molly, four years older than Tamsyn. I often wonder what affect "older" Bethy would have - would she be calm and sensible? Would she be disobedient? Would she be working like Dom, or at university like Jaysen? Would she find time to sit and play games with me, or prefer to sit and have a cuppa with Kellie?

"What If" is a dangerous game. It leads you down many roads that can cause hurt, pain, sadness - and it still does on many occasions. But sometimes, like now as I write this, I find myself smiling at the thought of Little Bethy and Poppy together, or Big Bethy and all of them together. That extra place at the dinner table, that extra cab to get us around, that extra ticket for the stupid plan we've decided on.

The 15th was a hard day. It was a sad day. But now, in the night, I'm done with being sad and upset. I'm thinking of my Baby Moo with a smile under the tears.

My beautiful birthday girl, Bethany...

I can't see that you would be nineteen today. The numbers don't sit right in my mind. Maybe it's not seeing you here, maybe it's not the reminders that you are growing up - well, grown up, as you would be. I can't correlate that crying little baby fighting her way through that first day, with a little girl turning nineteen years old.

I wonder what you'd be studying or doing - something in medicine maybe? Something with kids? Maybe you'd be a hairdresser, or an optician - hell, maybe you'd be the first girl something-or-other. Whatever you'd chose, where ever you'd have ended up, just know that you would always make me proud.

I was proud of you the from the first moment you balled those little fists up, let lose with that cry, right through to the bitter end, after bringing so much love into the world, and bringing together so many people to support one another. And even now, I am proud of every second you were around.

You are an amazing girl my little Bethy. You always have been, and you always will be. Where ever you are baby, I hope you are dancing and jumping and spinning and running, and loving the person you are, and the person you would have become.

I love you Bethy, and as ever, I see you baby, every single day.

-Daddy

Fourteen Years Today

Somehow, today marks the fourteen anniversary since losing Bethany. Fourteen years... That in itself is a whole child - Tam will be 14 in four weeks. But it feels so surreal.

On the one hand, today the loss feels very raw and fresh. On the other, it feels like a lifetime ago. I know back then, I was a very different person, and I wonder how much the events changed who I am as a person. I've mentioned before how various aspects of who I am changed after she passed away, and with my brain being as useful as it is, I don't know how much of it is for better or for worse.

Some days are better than others, and obviously the good outweigh the bad, but it still hurts if I think too much about it. Which, obviously, I don't make a habit of - but it's always in a part of my mind.

This time of year is rough, between her birthday and her today, coupled with the horrible grey damp miserable weather - I find myself low and miserable a lot. A couple of you are there for me which helps and makes a difference, but...

I don't know. I am rambling more than anything today. Having had very little sleep of late, today is not what I would call a cakewalk, but as ever, I'll survive.

It's very hard to put into words. I can't verbalise how much I miss her, and that, even after so long, how much it still hurts that she's gone.

My beautiful Angel, Bethy

Today, fourteen years ago, you had to go. You had fought so hard against everything, but your poor little body had take more than any person should ever have to take. You were the bravest little gorgeous ever, no matter what was thrown at you.

You smiled at people after they took your blood. You cuddled the people that prodded your tummy. You played with the people that pushed and pulled things inside your body. You always had a smile and a laugh and a cuddle, and more love than any person ever.

But after everything your poor little body took, it was finally too much. I remember holding you , kissing you, and singing to you on that day, and my heart still breaks at seeing you so small and vulnerable in my minds eye.

I miss you so much my little baby. I miss seeing your smile, see you performing some daredevil move in the house, running until you were literally blue in the face...

Everything about you and who you are live on inside so many people, and I am proud that you bought love to so many people around the world. You truly are my amazing little gorgeous.

I miss you my Bethy, every day. But I see you, baby.
I see you baby x

With all my love,
Daddy
x

18 Today...

Hard to imagine, but today would have been Bethany's 18th birthday. I would have another little grown up in my life, and I can only imagine what sort of person - adult - she would be after everything.

On the one hand, I am trying so hard to be positive today. I am trying so hard to not dwell on the fact that she has been gone for what seems like so long/just yesterday. I'm trying to remember all the funny, happy, silly Bethy moments. I am trying to not remember that last week of her life.

Today is her birthday, and while I cannot help but miss her and think about what she went through, I am thinking about her, the little person, the funny, crazy, dancing little angel that would cuddle anyone and everyone, would deal with everything she had to go through, and made everyone that met her just smile...

To my beautiful not-so-little-girl, my little gorgeous, Bethy.

Today, you would have been 18 years old. Today, you would be a proper adult, a grown up. You would probably be dinky still, and I hope you would still be the funny, silly, crazy person you were when you were little. I would hope you have a smile for everyone, and do what you want to do because it makes you smile, or makes you happy, or makes others around you happy.

You always showed me that, no matter what, you could be happy. You could smile for anyone no matter what. You could cuddle anyone, no matter how you felt. You were strong. You were brave. You put up with so much.

The world was a better place for you being in it... I cannot help but think with you no longer here, the world is a less happy place.

I remember holding you as soon as you were born, remembering how small and fragile you seemed. Your first week was full of drama, but you dealt with it all. Everything throughout your life, you accepted and took in your stride. You might not have liked it, but you never complained. I have never met a little girl as brave and as strong as you.

Your little sister Poppy has so much of you about her... She loves to cuddle, she loves to make people smile and laugh, and she has your naughty side too.

Where-ever you are, whatever you are doing, remember that you will always be missed, and always be loved. You are such an amazing little girl - now little lady - and I miss you every single day.

So happy birthday, my little Bethy. I hope where ever you are, you are dancing and spinning, laughing and giggling, and having fun with your angel wings.

I love you, I miss you... And I see you baby... Always.

-Daddy

Thirteen Years...

At 12:21pm today, my precious Bethy will have been gone from me for thirteen years. On one hand, that feels like a lifetime ago, but on the other, it feels like it has only just happened.

This past year has not been great, and for some reason, that has made today feel more raw and visceral than the last few years, and I honestly feel like I am struggling to hold myself together - today is making that feel almost impossible.

In the early hours of the morning, I was sat in the dark missing Bethy, and my emotions ranged from sadness at losing her, anger at my inability to do anything about it, I smiled remembering all the funny things she did, and enormous love for her and how she made people feel.

But I miss her. I miss her every single day, but today I miss her more than anything.

Having a memory like I do, I remember the events of this day thirteen years ago almost like it only just happened. The voices, the words they were using, the expressions on faces, the sounds of machinery, even the smell.

Seeing my little Bethy laying there at the end of her fight was probably the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. And it kills me every time it pops into my mind - usually unbidden, sometimes when I am thinking about her and her running around, invariably, my mind will slip back to that place. So much reminds me of her and of the hospital, but today, I am struggling to see the good times, the laughs, the happy little Baby Moo, the big cuddles with her tiny little arms around my neck and her breath on my skin.

Today, I am struggling. Today, I am missing my beautiful little princess, daddys little gorgeous, ever so much.

To my beautiful Bethy,

Holy hell am I missing you baby. Today more than ever. It has been thirteen years since you left, and time hasn't healed any wound. The wound just got different. But this year, it feels like it's been scratched open, and today it is ever so painful.

I miss you so damn much. I miss seeing you dance, I miss hearing you giggle, I miss you being naughty. You went through so much and were always the bravest person I ever knew, so strong and full of fight. Even today, I think about how amazing you were - sitting through tests and prodding and poking and having procedures done - always with more bravery than I have ever seen.

Thirteen years is a long time, but also no time at all. And I have missed you every single day of those years. I still cannot listen to certain songs. I still notice when the clock his 12:21. 

You would be so proud of your brothers and sisters. I wish they had the chance to meet you. And I see you in Poppy so much it's almost scary. So many people in my life now should have met you. Kellie would have doted on you. You'd have Dom and Molly wrapped around your little finger within minutes, and Nanny Diane would do anything you asked. 

Where ever you are my baby, I miss you. I hope you are still dancing. I hope you are still as full of love as you ever were. I wish I could see you again my gorgeous. And I will, in time, I know that. But I have people here that need me for a while yet.

I love you so much Bethany. And I see you baby.

I see you x

Happy Birthday My Bethy

To my beautiful Angel, Bethany...

I can't believe you would be 17 today. That number boggles and blows my mind, and I can't help but think what you would be like at this age. Seventeen. You'd be looking to the future; College, University, Work, Boys NO BOYS...

Would you still be dancing? Would you be as strong-willed and stubborn as you were when you were four? Would you still love to sit with me and have a cuddle.

I think about you every single day, think about what you would be doing, what you would be like, what you would be in to... Seventeen years old, and I miss you as much today as I did the day you left. 

I'm sure you would give me a cuddle at this point. See me upset and give me one of your little fangy-smiles, wrap your little arms around my neck and squeeze. I know you would hate to see me sad and missing you, but I can't help but miss you.

Just know that you are still very much loved - even by those that never got to meet you - and very much missed.

So happy birthday my sweet little gorgeous. I miss you very much, but love you so much.

With all my heart,

Daddy
x

Is This Thing On?

So, turns out poor old 0ddness has been a bit neglected of late. A lot late. But, with yesterday being a momentous occasion, I figured I would appear out of lurkdom and grace you with my presence.

Yes, I still think a lot of myself. Go figure.

(FYI: Long Post Klaxon!)

Firstly, I was indeed 41 years old yesterday. Of course, I didn't realise it was my birthday this weekend until Wednesday when someone asked me which day it was. And when asked how old I was, I had to pause, and do some pretty complicated mathematics in my head to work it out.

So, with the freshest thing first, I'll start with yesterday - in which I became older, no wiser, sexy as ever, and generally continued to grace the world with my presence. As mentioned already. As is usual, I don't make a big deal of my birthday - I'm not into the whole party-hearty because I managed to not die for another year. Yesterday was nice and quiet and chilled out. My gift from Poppy was me tripping over her potty, and splashing pee all up my leg, so that was nice. And warm.

In August, I finally bit the bullet and started looking for a new doggo. Since I lost Sally Dog, I wanted something small and stupid with a wanky obnoxious name - but have been putting it off and putting it off. First we needed somewhere bigger. Then we needed money. Then with Poppy, we needed her to be less... Baby. So, last month, Kellie made some phone calls (and aside from avoiding a rather dodgy situation with what later turned out to be some travellers and puppy farming!) she found a lady with a couple of Jack Russell puppies. We travelled over to see them, a boy and a girl, and set to having a play.

The little girl - as a typical female - was probably just having an off day, and didn't seem bothered by us. The little boy was an idiot, wanted to lick my chin and eat my stubble, and seemed to like having cuddles. He also like being near Poppy (kind of important with THAT force of nature) and on top of that, didn't growl at Kellie - so he can't sense evil.

We took him home there and then, and since then, the little idiot has been charging around like a mad thing. Naming took a couple of days (He was just "dog" to start with!) and we toyed with everything from Dave to Kujo to Jeff to Gobshite... Eventually, however, remembering a dog my Great Uncle had maaaaany years ago, we opted for Lord Montgomery II. Granted, we call him Monty, but everywhere he's registered, the vets, his microchip, his insurance, his name tag - he is Lord Montgomery. Which the vets find hilarious.

He's such an idiot. No sense of how small he is, can't navigate a series of three steps without tripping over at least one of them, can go through a baby gate in one direction, but cannot work out how to come back through... He tries to leap up onto the sofa - but takes off about three feet too soon, so generally hits the front of the sofa face first. As I write this, he is snuggled against me, on my lap. Oh yes, he's a lap dog.

Him and Poppy get on like, well, a toddler and a puppy. I should sell the idea to Disney for their next Princess. A noisy troublemaker and a puppy, systematically destroying everything they go near - but everyone still loves them. For some reason.

Anyway... With Monty being my early birthday present, I didn't expect to get presents yesterday, but low and behold, a large box was produced. I was genuinely not expecting anything, so to unwrap it and find a brand new spanking shiny gaming laptop inside, I was shocked into speechlessness. I expected it to be a box with a brick in it. Or something explosive. Or divorce papers.

You see, last year, I made the transition from a PC Gamer to a PS4 Gamer. The PS4 was my birthday present last year. My old Aspire laptop - while still able to run a lot of things - was getting a bit rickety. It survived the Great Kicking of Kellie in 2012, it was resurrected after the Dropping Off Of Screen in 2013, and even last year, it survived the Great Coffee Flood...

The Second Great Coffee Flood, however, proved to be it's undoing. All seemed well for a week or so, then, in the immortal words of the great Nanny Plum, it went BANG. Literally, BANG. Complete with the Blue/Grey Smoke Of Electronics Doom.

I have no idea what died, though I suspect either the power gubbins or the processor, but it was Dee Eee Dee Dead. And that, I am afraid to say, was that for the laptop. Within a fortnight, my old wheezy Medion PC System also gave up the ghost, and has since been sitting on my desk staring at me like a corpse glaring at its murderer.

But now, I am back in the world of the living. I am still a PS4 Gamer, but am also once again a PC Gamer. And, MOST importantly, I can now get many many Gigabytes of data retrieved from my old systems. See, having no computer to speak of meant the laptop and the PC have been sitting there rotting, their four hard drives holding tightly onto lots and lots of photos from over the years - including a multitude of Bethy pictures.

Thankfully, after doing the Medion hard drives, all the photos from the last ten years or so are safe and sound and YES I've already backed it all up. Thank you Google Drive & Photos. Of course, the anally-retentive Dan has spent the last three days sorting the photos and putting them into the correct Month & Year folders... Because why wouldn't you?!

I've not had a look at my laptop drives yet - I have to confess, I am a little nervous to do so, mainly because of the spectacular way it exited the mortal coil... As long as there was no surge in electrickery or, you know, fire, I think they should be good.

So, moving on from the most important thing (Yes, still me), I move on to the wee little troll that is Poppy.

She is growing like a weed. All the new stuff we got her for the summer is already looking a bit little on her. Not that it matters too much, as she is currently going through her "Nekkid Toddler" phase and hates to wear clothing. And runs around without a care in the world. She looks so much like Bethany some days,it pulls at my heart strings, and she is SO much like her, from the trouble making, to the putting herself on the naughty step after intentionally doing wrong, to hiding her dummies, so when you take it away from her, another one appears out of nowhere! She is gorgeous, funny, stubborn and bright as a button.

She's now entitled to her 15 hours a week of nursery, and so - realising both how fast she's growing and how little she is, she started three mornings a week at a little nursery near us. At first, she was, shall we say.... Less than impressed... She's never really been away from Mummy or Daddy or Siblings or Nanny - and the first few weeks she did to get used to it in August... They did NOT go well. But with the girls at nursery helping out, we persevered, and now she hates NOT going to school. She's still doing exactly what Tamsyn did was she was small and lovely, and refuses to speak except in her own language. Since starting nursery, she is coming on more and more.

For those of you that don't follow me on Twitter or Facebook or whatever, she also had her first proper injury in the summer - she gashed open her forehead beside her eyebrow. Typical guilty daddy moment, I looked away from her for a few seconds, and down she went. Because she was wet, the blood went EVERY-fooking-WHERE and she looked like Carrie. It was awful. It was touch and go for a while if she'd need referring to another hospital for the plastics team that rebuilt Jaysens hand as it was so close to her eye, but in the end, it was nice and clean and not too deep. Steri-Strips and TLC, and she now has a scar above her left eyebrow, but with copious usage of Bio-Oil, I'm hoping that it fades more and more over time.

As I mentioned earlier, she and the dog love each other, and are generally always running around together. Where one goes, the other follows. If she curls up for a nap somewhere, he usually curls up with her too, and it is exactly what we wanted - for them to grow up together and be best friends. They play with each others toys, play with each other, and literally bounce off one another. Until they both flake out and have a nap...

And it's at times like that, the rest of us can sit for half an hour, have a breather, drink some coffee, clear up the chaos, and wait for it to start all over again - because when one wakes up, the other wakes up.

As for the other morons children in the house - well, I say children... Dom is 19, has moved on from being one of the managers at McDonalds, and now works at some big financial place doing something... Financial. Jaysen is 18 (19 in a few months even!), still in college studying something with animals, while working at the Dogs Trust a couple of times a week - and now he's considering University. Molly is 15 and in her last year of school, getting ready for her GCSEs. Tamsyn is 12 (but seems older?) and is shooting up like a bloody weed as well. Both Molly & Tamsyn go to Army Cadets twice a week, and it's definitely doing them both the world of good.

Jaysen: Being Special

Molly: Probably Sulking

Poppys Other Great Passion: Water!

Tamsyn: Not Actually My Son

My Classy Kellie

NERDS

Lucina (Doms better half), Molly (doing something with her fingers),
Kellie (squashed), Tamsyn (still a girl) and Poppy (trying to escape)

Tam & Mo with their detachment (Armed Forces Day)

Now, oddly, I cannot find any photos of Dominic that fulfil the following criteria. Firstly, I wanted a recent photo, and secondly, I wanted it to be of him fully dressed and not on the toilet. As it seems all the photos I have of him seem to be in his pants or on the loo, here's the next closest thing.

Dominic: Needs a Haircut

And so, after what can only be described as a wall of text and random photos (and a cauliflower) I will leave it at that... I can cover my medical rubbish any other time - probably at three in the morning when I feel shite, and all of Kellies medical rubbish is a blog post unto itself.

And yes, I am fully aware that while blogging has never been considered "cool", I still prefer it to most other forms of Social Media. And, while on THAT subject - while I might have things appear on Facebook, I do not actively go on there, and have not done so for a long time. Too much drama, bitching, politics, and what seems to be playground behaviour - so I continue to avoid that. I use Twitter now and then, and post pictures to Instagram occasionally. I am hoping - though I'm not making any promises - that now I am back with a screen and a keyboard and no danger of autocorrect, that I will manage to blog a little more regularly. Aside from that, if you play on PS4, feel free to add me - username is Danielson0

Until next time, you little crowd of nutters that made it this far!

Sweet Sixteen

It's hard to imagine, and hard to write this - hence the delay in posting. But today, my beautiful angel, Bethany, would have been sixteen years old...

I can't wrap my head around it. Today, I've been flashing back to the day that she was born, and my memories are as fresh as they've always been. But those memories were intermingled with the day she left.

For the most part I've kept to myself today... Been watching TV, playing on my tablet, trying to keep myself busy. But now at half one in the morning, I'm laying in bed trying to keep my mind out of the bad places, remembering my Bethy as the beautiful, mad, funny, slightly mad little girl that I miss so dearly.

My beautiful girl, Bethy... 

Happy birthday my little angel. I can't believe you would be sixteen today. Where ever you might be, I can only imagine how gorgeous you must be, let alone the sort of person you would be. 

I am sure you are as brave and strong as you always were, and I know you are a beautiful girl. Friendly. Happy. Cheerful. Nothing phasing you as ever. 

I imagine you dancing, and doing every single thing you always wanted to do, without any limitations, nothing stopping you. At sixteen, I know you would be planning your future, college, work... I dread to imagine how many boys you would have wrapped around your little finger - the way I always was. But know that all those boys would have to go through your daddy first. 

Wherever you are, my sweet girl, whatever you are doing, I hope you are happy. That's all I have ever wanted for you. I just wish I could see you dancing, see the girl - the young woman - you would be turning into. I am absolutely sure you would be leading Poppy on with her shenanigans as well, and she would love her big sister. 

I miss you so very much my Bethy. I think about you all the time, I miss you, but love you so very much. 

Happy birthday Bethany. And remember, no matter what, I see you baby. 

I see you. 

Lots of love, 

Daddy x

Happy Birthday Baby

Hard to think that today, my beautiful Bethy would have turned 15 years old. Thanks to my brain being so tired of late, last night and today have been quite rough, but I've tried to keep my mind occupied...

Between a mixture of Sherlock, World of Warcraft, and Fringe, I've been able to carry on, but I know I'm distracted by her not being here.

Poppy has been all smiles and cuddles today, and when I got up with her this morning, we laid on the lounge floor playing... It's scary how much Poppy looks like Bethany, but then, being sisters it's sorry of expected.

To my beautiful Bethy,

Fifteen... It seems incredible to me that all those years ago, I was cuddling you, admiring how beautiful, little, wiggling - albeit a funny colour - you were.

I look back over all these years, and think of all the things you haven't been here for, but I know for sure you would still be the happy, cheerful, friendly little girl you always were... And you would be an amazing sister to this lot. You and Molly would be out and about together, you and Tam would be playing together, and you'd be an incredible big sister to Poppy...

And, no doubt, ruling the boys with an iron fist...

Not a day goes by when I don't think of you, let alone miss you. Today, you've been on my mind since the early hours, and I know you'd not want me to be upset and missing you..

So happy birthday, my beautiful angel. I see you baby, ever single day, and love you as much now as I always have.

All my love,

Daddy x

Nine Years

Today, my brain is doing some strange things to me. As usual, I did not sleep very well in the slightest, and when I did manage to doze off, my dreams were filled with Guys Hospital, and plenty of bad things. I woke up feeling quite... Shit... This was at half five. I was freezing cold, I was trying to push things out of my mind, and ended up clambering out of bed, slapping on a tee shirt and lounge pants, put on the heating, and snuggled up to Kellie to steal her body heat.

I fell asleep failing quickly - I assume, anyway, I don't remember much after getting back into bed. I did my best to keep my mind clear, occupying it with my happy place, and ended up asleep again.

I woke up at about eight, Kellie getting ready for work, but my brain was calm, relaxed. Don't get me wrong, I was still sad, but aside from a few times of my brain pulling me back to that room nine years ago, my mind wasn't focused on that last week with Bethy. It was everything else she did.

Now, I am not saying I am "cured" or "over it" or anything else, but I think I am coping better than I have done over the previous years.

I also can't believe it's been nine years. As I write this, I can picture Bethy laughing and smiling, I can picture her playing, I can picture her sitting with me watching kids TV, see her dancing, enjoying what she had.

I miss her every day. Every single day. I am sure there are people out there that can't understand nor imagine what it is like to deal with this sort of thing, but deal and cope I have to.

Don't get me wrong, I could quite easily collapse in a big pile of sobbing Dan if I chose to, but I can't. I have all the kids here depending on me, I have Kellie, I have my friends and my family. And it's a joint effort - without them, I wouldn't have any reason to stand up straight and carry on. I need to be strong for them, and because of them, I can be strong.

I am a firm believer in coping with friends and loved ones. I tried Bereavement Counselling, and it made things seem worse. Every session seemed harder and harder. Same with my previous bout of CBT - talking things through doesn't cure everything... Well, with strangers at any rate. I can talk to those around me if I need to, even though opening up to people is really really difficult for me.

But I digress.

I have found several days this month quite difficult, especially via Facebook... People post all sorts of things regarding Congenital Heart Defects (CHD) throughout February, as it is designated CHD Awareness Day/Week/Month depending on who you talk to. I often find it hard reading people talking about how well their child is doing. I find it really really hard reading about people that have lost their child, and all I can do is offer my condolences and support, but I always think my words sound hollow for some reason. The hardest thing, however, is seeing all the photos people post of children in ICU with the pipes and tubes and wires, coupled with the surgical marks and wounds and scars...

THAT brings it rushing back to me in quite a hard manner, but I can't scream at the people that their picture brings everything back. People remember things in different ways, but the pictures of children an hour or two post surgery just makes me feel awful, and I have to ALT+F4 my browser, just to get out of there, and then spend ages trying to get the image out of my mind, which of course, my brain switches so it stars Bethany...

But anyway.

Today, I have made sure Kellie is at work. I have three kids here with me, and I am determined to get through today as normally as possible. Aside from a hiccup this morning, I've been quite good and settled today, remembering the good for the most part. I'm sad and down, but am pushing through it as best I can. So I made sure Kellie went to work. Usually she has today off to keep me company and occupied... So far, I think I'm OK.

To my beautiful Angel, Bethany...

I can't believe that today marks nine years since you had to leave me. I was so sure that you had the fight in you to beat everything that was thrown your way, but in the end, it was too much for you. I still sometimes wonder if things would have been different if I had asked your doctor-man to look at other options, but blaming myself does not achieve anything - even though I can't help but wonder about it some days.

I miss you every single day my little gorgeous. I miss hearing you laugh, shouting out for me when you didn't want to get out your chair, giggling when I rubbed my beard on your cheek and neck, laughing when I announced the chocolate was only for people with a spleen.

I wonder how you would have grown, what interests and hobbies you would have taken to, what you would have been like at school, what career you would have gone into. I know it's not a good thing to do, but I often wonder "what if" in the dead of night, what if you hadn't left, what if you hadn't been born with the insides the way they were...

I wish so hard for more time with you. A few more minutes just to talk to you. A few more minutes of holding you in my arms. A few more minutes of tickling you, playing with you, of letting you know how loved you are, how wonderful you are, and how much you would be missed. Just one more minute of one of your big cuddles with your arms tight around my neck, feeling your breath on my cheek, your cold fingers on the back of my neck.

I miss you so much Bethy. I love you with all of my heart still, and even now, I still think I see you out of the corner of my eye, or nipping through a crowd... I expect to see you on the stairs sometimes, or sitting on the sofa, or walking around dragging Baby Rabbit behind you.

Where ever you are, my perfect little Angel, I hope you are happy. I hope you know you are missed daily, but more than anything I hope you know how much you are loved. Whoever you are with, whatever you are doing, I just want you to know you are loved dearly.

I'm sorry you couldn't stay longer my Princess. I would have loved to see you grow up into a beautiful girl, teen, and woman. No matter where you are or what you are doing, dance, shake, wiggle and run around.

Sweet dreams, my little gorgeous.

I see you baby, every single day.

Daddy
x

Happy 13th Princess

It is most likely that a good majority of you know what today is, and that would be Bethanys birthday.

Today, she would have been 13 years old. My Baby Moo would be a teenager. OK, that is slightly scary, as I have been wondering what she would be like as she has grown up, let alone what sort of a teenage girl she would be...

I hardly seems possible that thirteen years have passed since that day at Guys, pacing around wondering and worrying, people all over the world waiting for someone to filter news down through the various grapevines, getting messages of luck and love on my phone until finally, I passed on word that the it was showtime...

I can still picture her exactly as she was when she was born, not the most beautiful of babies, but beautiful and perfect to me. All wrinkled and shrivelled, a very strange colour, but full of fight and energy.

Bless her, I so miss her.

Today, I am mostly being entertained and occupied by Kellie... An early-morning cinema visit (which, let's be honest, always feel SO decadent) then lunch, then, whatever... Maybe some drinks, maybe another movie, maybe a walk and a wander. Regardless of what happens, I am doing my very best to be in a good, happy place. I'm not saying I am plastering on a happy face and facing the world, but I am doing my utmost to think of the good things, the things she achieved, the people she bought closer across the world...

To my beautiful baby Bethy,

It is hard to imagine that where ever you are, you are a properly little lady today. Thirteen. I can hardly believe it. While I doubt very much you grew into a giant, I am certain that you are the most gorgeous, beautiful little girl anywhere - physically and mentally.

Where ever you are, I know you are not thinking about school, or careers, or anything else like that, but I can't help wonder what you are like. Attentive? Studious? A rebel?

Regardless of anything, all I know, is that I still love you with every ounce of my being and fibre. No matter how many arguments we would have had, are rules you would have rebelled against, or how many times you would have been grounded - I still love you completely.

It goes without saying - though I will say it anyway - that I hate you are not here, that I can't see you, I can't hold you, I can't say these words to you face to face. I wish things were different, and that your cheeky little face was still a part of my life, and not just an image from a dream, or out the corner of my eye. I still miss you every single day, but I am celebrating your birthday for you my baby. 

Kellie is helping me, taking me out, making sure I am OK, and keeping me focused on the good. I wish so much you two could have met - I know that the two of you would have gotten on so brilliantly, and she too would have fallen under your spell.

To you, my darling Bethy, happy birthday. Where ever you are, whatever you are doing, know you are loved and missed terribly. I still see you baby, every day.

With all my love,

Daddy

The End

I'm afraid it has run its course, you and I. I can't say when it started to go downhill, but for at least a year, you and I haven't been on the best of terms... Let's be honest, we've been getting on each others nerves for a while now.

I know I am controlling, and try to put you in your place constantly, but even when I do it carefully, you still decide to break free, do your own thing, regardless of where we are, who we are with or what we are doing.

If I am honest, you've changed, a lot. You have really let yourself go, and it's not just me that has noticed it, others have pointed it out to me too. I tell them I know, and that I'm going to do something about it, but I never do.

And that's why, it's over. Done. Finished.

The last straw came when we were in bed a while back. I was tired, in pain, couldn't get comfortable, and I'm still not sure how you managed it, but you ended up trapping me where I lay. I had to wiggle free carefully, hurting myself in the process, and THEN had to untie myself from the headboard.

That was the last straw. It really was.

I know once you realise it's over, you will just accept it, but I do still love you - you've just outgrown me. I know that in time, someone else will love you - they will love you so much MORE than I ever could. To me, I suppose you were just an accessory... To someone new, you will be a new lease of life.

That's what I am aiming for, to make you more useful for another.

To that end, in a few short hours, you'll be gone. We'll both be different, I am sure of it, but it's for the best.

I'm sure the hairdresser will remove you very carefully, and then we will send you off to become wigs for children undergoing chemotherapy. The money I've raised having you cut off will go towards beating cancer, and saving the lives of children at the Evelina Children's Hospital.

And I will have short hair again.

Goodbye, my long hair, it's been fun - but I won't miss finding you in dinner. In the bed. In the hoover. On the side. Bloody everywhere, in fact!

I am over the moon that, including Gift Aid, I've raised over £1000 for ECHO and Cancer Research UK.

CLICK TO DONATE!

Yes, you can still donate, the page is still active, and there will be plenty of pictures. A massively huge huge thank you to everyone that has donated, shared, retweeted, and given me support. Yes, I'm going to miss my hair, but it is past the point I can cope with it. Kellie has to brush it for me most days, and it just pisses me off at times. It doesn't matter how tightly I tie it back, it just goes made and I end up looking like a mad professor.

Not that my hair will improve my looks, but you get the idea.

So, I've just washed it for the last time ever. I HATE washing it too - I have to brush it, use a shit-ton of shampoo on it, then spend ages rinsing it, then after a shower it takes all fricking day to dry... And it's always bloody knotted too.

I last had a hair cut at the end of January 2005, just before Bethany went into hospital for the last time. After I lost her, I decided there and then to remove my goatee (she HATED it!) and to not cut my hair again. But I believe that now, cutting it, I can give a little something back to the hospital that cared for her brilliantly, give back to the charity that helped me understand her neuroblastoma, and even by donating the hair, give children that need wigs a new lease of life. I don't feel bad that I am cutting it off... I am certain should would most definitely approve of my methods in fact.

So here's to today, by doing one simple act, with a little bit of sacrifice on my part, I can help so many people. Which was always Bethys legacy - she bought so many people together.

I See You Baby, and know you approve.

The Big Hair Cut!

OK, it's been thrown around over and over, but finally, it's time. I'm going to do it, and I'm going to jump straight in.

On or around the 1st of June, my hair WILL be cut.

And I WILL be raising money for both the Guys Hospital charity (ECHO: Evelina Childrens Heart Organisation) and for Cancer Research UK. To this end, I have set up a Virgin Money Giving account which allows me to split the total to the different charities. It also allows people overseas to donate as well, and considering how many people said they would love to donate from the States, so much the better.

You can find the donation page by clicking This Link.

Now, I was quite surprised that within fifteen minutes, a small handful of people donated nearly £100... Surprised, and happy, and astounded. Hopefully a similar momentum will carry on, and I will get a massive amount of money donated to two absolutely brilliant charities.

All I need now is the help of you, dear reader. Firstly, I would love for you to be able to donate, any amount, small or large - it all helps, and all makes a difference. Even if you can't donate, then please please share my Virgin Money Giving page with everyone you know - share on Facebook, send to your Twitter followers, publish to your Google+ Circles - however you want to do it, please drum up as much support for me as you can!

I have a little under seven weeks to raise as much money as I can, and to do so, I will need your help. It's not often that I ask for the help of others, but I'm sure you will agree, this is very much worth it!

The Twenty First

I find it very hard to believe that today marks the eighth anniversary of losing Bethany.

Hard to believe, and for some reason, hard to deal with at the moment. Today has been looming ahead of me for the last few weeks, and I've been doing what I can to try and sort of, distract myself from it... But now that it has arrived, I find that I am coping and dealing with it fairly well.

The morning is worse, as I do my best to ignore the clock, but when I DO see the time, I think "such and such had happened by now" and similar.  As I've mentioned before, I attend therapy , and for the first time, I broached the subject of Bethany in my last session...

Apparently, the things I do and feel are normal and natural... Don't smother the bad thoughts with other things, run with them, accept them, then try and divert the attention with something relating to Bethy, but something good.

I still find it hard to think that it's been eight years.

To my beautiful little angel, Bethany...

I can't believe you've been gone eight years today. Eight years feels like a really really long time on one hand, and on the other, it still feels like you've only just left.

I think about you all the time still, but outweighing the bad with the good. I think about you laughing, and playing, and being naughty, and sleeping on me... Eight years is a long time, but I miss you every single day.

I often imagine you still being here, twelve years old, running around with the kids, giving Kellie as much love as you give me. I know you would love them all, and it makes me sad that they never got to meet you - and vice versa.

I picture you having fun, where ever you might be, doing everything you want to do, living and loving and laughing. Where ever you are, know that I love you so so much, and miss you completely and utterly. I still wish I could have just one more hug, listen to your laugh just one more time, watch you play just one more time...

I know that, in time, I will get my wish, but I still have lots to do down here. People to look after, people to love... But one day.

I miss you lots, but love you more, my beautiful angel Bethy.

I see you baby...

x

Love you Bethy x

Twelve

As a lot of you know, today my gorgeous little Bethany would have been 12...

I can't believe this time twelve years ago, I was sitting stroking the hand of my beautiful, perfect little lady while she lay in ICU. No one could tell me what was going on, no one could tell me if she'd live past that day, let alone how long. No one could tell me exactly what was wrong with her...

Today has arrived with a bit of a thump onto my lap this year. I've known it was coming, and despite my best efforts, I've had a rough time of late. Bethany has been on my mind a lot, and even though I've tried to push the bad thoughts out with good thoughts, today is hitting me hard.

I know, however, that Bethy would kick me around the room if she could, seeing me sad all the time.

I'm trying to think positive, trying to stay "up" and trying to think of the good times, but it's hard...

My darling little gorgeous,

I cannot believe that you are twelve today. I can only imagine how big you would be, how well you'd be doing at school, and how much fun you would be having were you still down here. I imagine whoever is in charge where you are really has their hands full with you.

As is usual, especially today, it is so painful to know you're not here any more, that you aren't in the next room playing (or tearing the house apart), that you're not going to pop into the room with no warning and want a cuddle. 

I'm sure where ever you are, you are looking down and watching life rush around at home. I just wish you were a part of that chaos, that noise. I know you're here somewhere, but you're probably far too busy having fun and running and chasing and jumping...

I miss you Bethy. I miss you every single day and wish things were different.

Happy Birthday, my little gorgeous. I hope you're having a wonderful day where ever you are.

All my love,
Daddy (Yes, I see you baby...)
x

Bzzzzzzzz...

In January 2005 - just before Bethany went into hospital, I had a hair cut. It was messy, it needed doing, and as I didn't know how long the stint in hospital would be, I figured I best get it done.

Six weeks later, Bethy passed away following her complications, and since then, I have not had my hair cut, aside from one or two little trims. From root to tip, my hair is approximately 15 inches long.

And now, like I have been saying for a long time, it's all going - in the name of charity of course. I WANT to raise a lot - I don't want to have a handful of people donate a few quid and that be it. I want to raise a decent sum of money, and split it between The Evelina Children's Heart Organisation (ECHO) and Cancer Research UK. On top of this, my lovely locks will also be donated, probably to the Little Princess Trust - who make wigs for children that have lost their hair due to medical treatments.

I don't have a date as to when this will be - not yet. I want to get everything sorted FIRST, then start banding my SPONSOR ME!! drum and get the pledges rolling in. I will probably use a site like JustGiving.com as they accept money from overseas as well which means you lot in the US-of-A and you lot living Down Under can sponsor me too.

I am hoping that someone, somewhere, will be able to help out getting a company or similar to sponsor me too to make the sum a decent whack...

After everything ECHO did for Bethy in her short time - even for ALL the children they save day in, day out - I need to do something for them, I need to give something back... If it means I have a cold head for a few weeks, then so be it. I grew my hair because... well, I don't know why. I just couldn't face cutting it.  But now I need to cut it. I am don't like it any more, it's in the way, it's annoying - so I might as well do something useful with it one last time.

The only pitfalls I can see at the moment are the fact the JustGiving/VirginDonations don't seem to allow a balance to be split between two charities... I have messaged both support desks in a hope that there is a way around it. If it turns out I can't split the money, nor work out a safe/easy way to do so, then it will be ECHO the money is raised for.

Secondly, hair length is going to be a bit of an issue - I've never had it shorter than an inch or so, but to get the most hair off - and let's be honest, the best shot at being sponsored - I think I am going to have to have it cut RIGHT DOWN to the skin, military clippers style.

Which is why I am not going to jump in if it only raises a few quid. Sort of an All-Or-Nothing approach. I CAN'T part with my hair if the end result isn't a decent donation.

Luckily, I know lots of my Facebook friends said last time I mentioned this, that they would be sponsoring me, and I am sure a lot of you on Twitter will also donate something - plus if it gets retweeted enough and strangers wade in, so much the better. On top of this, friends and family have said they too will donate, and a couple of little shops around the corner have said I can put sponsorship forms in there to help get a few more quid...

As you can see, I've been a busy boy today trying to get this arranged, so watch this space, get ready to donate and spread the word. The more the merrier, after all!