A Strange Day

Last night was a rather naff night.  For one, it was hot and humid.  For two, I've spent the last couple of nights with Kellie, so my normally large, cool, comfortable bed just seemed a wee bit... Empty.

On top of this, my mind was wandering to icky, unpleasant places, namely, Guys Hospital.  All I could think of was Bethy and her last days.  Every time I closed my eyes, I could see her and all the ickiness involved.

I was drifting in and out of sleep all night - strange dreams and nightmares but I think I was mostly awake, plus things were different, wrong... The people around at the time, the layouts of the rooms and everything else - it was the same but different, if that makes sense.

I think the last time I looked at the clock it was pushing 5am, and somehow, I managed to turn off my 0615 and my 0645 alarms.  Luckily, my panic button, Ruth, called and woke me up.  Did the morning school run, and went with her to see her youngest at sports day...

Nice to see the world is still as mental as ever - Sports Day once again had no winners of losers, and this year it seemed worse than before... The "track" they were running on was twenty... Maybe thirty feet long.  The kids were in teams of 8-10 so it was run, then sit and wait for all those in front of you to run.  And when I say "sit" I don't mean "pop your bum on the school field" no no, the kids were provided chairs to sit on.

One of the teachers then went into detail about how last year in the Parents Race, they let the kids run with the adults - one of the dads fell down and hurt his kid.  Not sure if it was "hurt" in as much as a bumped wee one, or if it was a "hurt" in the bad way.  So, with this in mind, the parents race - Adult and Kid.

There was no "well done" ceremony.  No winners, no losers, no certificates or anything.  Even though the kids were split into five teams, no team excelled or was congratulated.  The teachers seemed pretty much "So, what event do you want to do now?" and couldn't be arsed.

Highly Amusing...

Anyways, me bitching about all that actually cheered me up some, and after, I went back to Ruths for a coffee till she had to go out.  Once home, I couldn't get motivated, so sat listening to loud music, while kinda sorta doing housework.  I nodded off in my chair but forced myself back up or I know I'd not sleep tonight.

Did the afternoon school run, had another coffee at Ruths, came home and set up a freeview box on the telly - Jo and Steve had it knocking around, and as my Sky TV died, and I ditched Telewest, I've had no telly in the house.  Fine for me, but the kids we're best pleased ;)  Bad Daddy!  Anyways, they have TV to watch once again so that's something.

And now, I decided to clear my head a bit and blog myself out.  Obviously, I've done quite a lot of quizzey thingies - I tag all of you to do them if you're bored.  My head is back in a good place, and Kellie is here tomorrow...  As is a man about the fence - the same one that went over LAST spring.  Finally, they are going to "assess" what needs doing...

Helloooo.... I need five new fence panels, three new posts, all six feet wide and seven feet tall.  Just like the last THREE guys have said.

Amazing what snotty letters can do ;)

Empty Bottles & Cans

Once again, I spent the weekend away with Kellie.  Yes, I am spending an obscene amount of time with her, but at the risk of inducing vomiting amongst my readership, we love being together, and are not stomping on any toes, so we're having as much fun as we can get.

Got over there Friday after having a nervous breakdown about being late... Not that I was "due" at any particular time, but as we had to go out (as a couple!) that night, I was all flapping and stuff.  Still, arrived with plenty of time, sorted out an over-night bag from my weekend-bag and headed out - armed with booze.

Being that I am ever so good with names, I was dropped into a room of people.  Obviously, Kellie and Me... Her best friend Kerry, her fella Paul, her brother Kevin, his missus Kelly, and their friends Haley and her fella Mark.  And kids.  Seven, I think...  No, eight.  Well, none of mine, so there could have been fifty.

And we did the drinky drinky drinky till the wee small hours.  Glasses were smashed, drinks were spilled in torrents, nibbles were consumed, Chinese food was ordered (and subsequently scoffed)...  The Beer Fog started to settle...

Half the adults, and their respective spawn left, while the other half stayed.  We ended up crashing on the living room floor, and didn't wake till the ripe time of 7am.  Hangover free, I should add.

Me and Kellie set to clearing up the kitchen while the house slept, me fine, her... Well, not at her best.  Like I say - I didn't have a hangover ;)

Kerry and Paul emerged nearer 10am, Paul fine, Kerry in the same state as Kellie.  So they were indeed mocked.  And forced to cook breakfast.

Which, as it would happen, would provide me with hours of chuckles.  See, getting two drunk, hungover girlies to cook is actually a BAD idea in the grand scheme of things.  Sausages: Burnt.  Bacon: Burnt.  Mushrooms: Cooked to perfection (amazingly). Scrambled Eggs: Burnt, Still moving, moist and a very strange colour.

And texture.  The eggs had a whole new texture.  And flavour.

I'm not sure how, but the other three adults managed to fob off food on the unsuspecting kids, while me... I ate all mine.  I have a cast iron gut ;)

The breakfast really really deserves it's own entry... "Legendary" would be one word to use.

Another highly amusing aspect to boozing with a group of people you don't know - I can ALWAYS find the geek in the crowd... I heard the words "World of Warcraft" and the ocean of people parted - Kevin, Kellies best friends brother - is a WoW player, and we spent much time that evening talking about it.  Much to the chargrin of the normal non-WoW players.

So, despite taking the piss out of her Best Friend, we get on quite well (which is points to me), and Kevin told Kellie I'm great and get two thumbs up from him too!  Did I mention that Kerrys family is like Kellies second family, so I need approval from them as well!

I bribed Kerry with vodka, so that helped ;)

The rest of Saturday was spent with the older kids at football, followed by a jaunt back to Kellies with all the bags - lighter, now emptied of booze - and had a quiet afternoon together, followed by a curry.  Yep, I'm a lardy - but it was mostly veg ;)  AND no booze ;)

Sunday started lazy.  Kellie tried flexing her girlie muscles, and ended up with very tickled feet.  Which she hates.  Once up, I tackled her garden for her... Which again, really deserves it's own post.  Suffice to say, I shall never hardly moan about Ruths garden from now on.  At least her garden is just grass.  Kellies garden had everything...

And I got a big fast blister for my troubles.  Which she put chemicals on.  Which burnt.  Ow.

Sunday was going perfectly - we got to the bus stop at half four, ready for my 4.50pm bus.  And we waited.  And waited...  Now, if you want to be in my good books and say "I will be there at, say, 4.50pm" then you better damn well be there no later than 4.50pm.  A few minutes early I can handle.  4.55 and I will start getting stroppy.

So at 5.15pm, Kellie called her mum and arranged me to go home when she went past.  As you can imagine, your normally very-placid author was, at this time, ten feet tall, green, ripped clothes...  I will write them a very nice letter tomorrow no doubt.

But every cloud - I got another 45 mins with Kellie.

And finally, after collecting the boy, having a drink with Jo and Steve, walking home, got the boy showered and bedded... Now I am flopped.  Aching, sore blister (owie!), tired, missing Kellie...

Who, no doubt, will come along and attempt to save her character, but to be honest, I think I may have already ruined that just by her associating with me...

The only down part, aside from not seeing Kellie till Tuesday, is that I had a lot of questions about Bethy this weekend.  Now, I have no issue at all talking about her, and will always tell people I have three kids, one of which isn't here any more.  I think it was more having to talk to people that have no idea about her, what happened, the why's and where-fores.  I was fine, but when I finally got in and sat, the first song my computer decided to play was her song...




As I say, the hardest part was the fact that all my friends, most of my family, and those that know me, they know as much as they can what happened, what she went through... But now I am meeting new people and talking about ME, Bethy enters the conversation that don't know, don't understand and don't realise how unlucky they are for not meeting her. I'm OK now though, had a sad moment so did the stupid taggy thing in a crappy frame of mind, but still.

Anyway, I am fine and dandy once more - counting the days till Tuesday when, incidently, I have a man coming to look at my fence.  Or lack thereof.  I sent them a letter that rattled them into action ;)

So nighty night!

Edit: I forgot to add, the ULTIMATE part of the breakfast was the Tea and Coffee... But that's because it WAS perfect, as I made it!

How To Make A Grown Man Cry

Last night, I Tam was wandering around causing trouble as normal. Me, on the other hand, I was washing up and doing dinner. When Tam is "behaving" (being quiet and not breaking something) I tend to let her get on with it - she was "singing" in the dining room while I was at the other end in the kitchen.

"Daddy!"

I turn around to find this:


That's the Peanut, wearing a school dress that was put away for her many moons ago. And for some reason, it really choked me up. I thought of Bethy wearing a school dress (not that she ever did, it was too cold for her when she was in school!), and I realised how quickly Tam is growing up, that she will be in school too, and that she doesn't live with me any more...

I gave her lots of cuddles, sat her on the side next to me, and carried on doing dinner with a few sad little tears running down my face...

A Mixed Bag o' Stuff

Today has been... erm... a little bit up and down, really. I'm not sure about the rest of the world out there, but over here, it was Fathers Day. Now, I think I might have touched on it before, but it's really not a day I associate with good times. Firstly, I don't need a day for my kids to tell me they love me, that I'm great or anything else - it's like an annual review... If I were a bad daddy, would I have been fired today? Would I have been put on probation and demoted (to mummy....!)

Anyway, without going into all the detail - those who know, know - my main reason for not liking Fathers Day is the fact that it is made abundantly clear that I am missing one.

Despite having been up on cloud nine for the last couple of weeks, today loomed, and marched inorexibly forwards till I woke up this morning and thought the most profound of thoughts.

"Arse"

So, with Ruth having her family down, I called her to make sure she was up and at 'em. Then I rolled out of bed, sorted myself out, threw on some clothes, and left the house. I only had one place on my mind. Bethany's Garden.

I walked there which in itself is a fair walk, but I NEEDED to do it. I've been thinking about it of late, and since the split knew I would have to go there. For ME, before anyone asks. So, I didn't tell anyone because I knew people would say things like "Good luck" and "You can do it" and other messages that would make me NOT want to go. I didn't plan it, simply because if I knew I was going on Day X at Time Y, I wouldn't go.

I even turned my phones off.

Walking there with my music, no problem. Lovely day, all was good. Got up there and went straight to her garden, where I knelt and felt sad but wasn't crying. Thanks to the rather mental weather, the grass up there has had a mental spurt and was growing through, so I pulled up a load of grass, emptied some dead flowers out and stood up little toys that had been knocked over. I sat up there for a little while, talking softly to her, before heading out.

And that is when I lost it. Not the going. Not the seeing. Not the talking to. But turning away from her and walking from where she is. Just like the day I lost her. I didn't hide my tears - I wasn't going to make excuses to anyone for them, and got to the gates, where I called Jo to let her know where I was. We had a little chat, and she told me her plans to redo it in the coming weeks.

I finished chatting to Jo and felt a bit more with it, and sent a couple of messages off to Kellie - she was out with her extended family-that-isn't-but-none-the-less having a party, so I didn't call her. Then I noticed the texts received, missed calls and voice mail alerts.

Turns out just after I left the house, Ruth tried to call - I was supposed to take my big pan to her as she was feeding the five thousand, but had forgotten and was out. Of course, Dan not answering one of his three phones, not responding to text nor voice mail, and, as far as the world knew, still at home.

Yeah, you can see where this is going.

So I panicked Ruth, who in turn woke up Cel (who has a key for dog-purposes) as Silent Dan is pretty much unheard of. So I had to speak to her and apologise for being incommunicado. Panic over, though it did make me smile a little. Especially as I knew the main bolt was on my front door, so Cel's key would have done precisely nothing - well, aside from make the girls actually urinate in their undies.

On the way home - walking, still - I had a few texts from Kellie which made me smile and cheered me up a bit more. By the time I got in, I was pretty much OK, just a bit sad still. Sad is better than batshit mental ;)

I grabbed some food and headed to Ruth with my pan, having someone tell me en route that I "looked like a bit of a mental" to which I replied "No, it's OK, I'm just a pot dealer" and wiggled my very large saucepan at him. Got to Ruth, sat down for a coffee and her tribe arrived. Then they left and I quickly mowed her lawn (which, I should add, had also gone f'king mental from this weather!) which I did a stunning job of. Then we had a chat and I went back home.

Once home, I sat and watched the last of House, Season Three (Oh, and thanks to the writer to include a little blonde girl that needs heart surgery, suffers a stroke, and her fav. toy is her stuffed bunny), while drinking coffee and chilling out. Oh, and hearing from Kellie on how her day was going - short description might be "mad house". Then, early evening, the boy came home and we chilled out together for a while, sharing weekend stories as we do, till he had a shower and went to bed. Well, just before he went to bed, Lane turned up to see how I was doing. She started trying to go depressive on me, so I beat her up a bit and kicked her out of the house. With Sally not sure if she should be attacking me or attacking the stalker... So she covered both bases before Lane drove off.

And finally, after all day of both of us being all over the place, I finally managed to get Kellie on the phone, and we sat and talked, and grinned, and giggled and sat quietly... Ahhh shuddup ;) It was my longest phone call since... erm... wow, ever I think! Just over two hours we talked. Can you tell I miss her.

Rhetorical question ;)

After that, I fiddled around on Plurk for a while - if you don't use it, learn, because it's great. And then, while laying here trying to sleep, I decided I needed to blog.

So, as you can see, as is usual for Chéz 0ddness, it's been a bit of a strange day really. I think I covered a good range of emotions! But even with ALL that, with everything going on - I'm still off the meds!

And in other news, as a side note, a PS or addendum... I've added a couple of new blogs to the side bar you should go read!

Geek Mama: Does as it says on the tin. She's a mummy... That's a geek.

OK, erm... *blush* the other two appear to have NOT saved - so I will add them to this list in the morning! Oopsie... I'm tired, sue me! Otherwise, I am feeling good once again. Really good. Me and Kellie have spoken about a lot of stuff that I've had in my little "Bag of Stuff", but she accepts I'm a bit of a mixed bag, and is quite happy with that. I know there are times I can be a bit... or, rather, a lot... Dan. I'm not what I would consider a normal, stable person, but she seems to like me for me, which is the most important part. Thankfully, we agree this is me:


Thank you Mr Shrek, for describing me perfectly ;)

A Bethy Moment

With everything going on of late, I've not really spoken about Bethy. A few new people in my life have asked about her, and I've pointed them in this direction. Obviously I still miss the little madam something crazy, but I don't sit and cry all the time.

Another sure sign coming OFF the meds is working out for me.

However, yesterday... You knew there was a but coming, didn't you!

While Jo and Steve were here collecting some more of her stuff, Jo came down with Bethy's doctor coat that was in the cupboard in the bedroom:


We both looked at it and smiled, I said she could take it back to hers with her, and that was that. Spent a little while thinking about her, but then soon carried on with my day.

About an hour later, Jo sent me a message saying that she was fine with the coat, but obviously Bethy had eaten while in it, and she found some food marks on it - and THAT is what set her off. So Jo was texting me in tears, which set me off. Not sob-sob, just a quiet little cry.

Within 30 seconds, my music shifted to the next track on my playlist, and off ALL the tracks on my computer - nearly 3000 - it happened to be Evanescence - My Immortal. Bethy's funeral song.



THEN I was sobbing like a baby. It doesn't help that I am tired, run down, and the weather yesterday was shite but not long after I had a cry, the sun came out, and I felt better again. Ruth called, asked what was up, and I ended up going over there for a late lunch before the school run.

It was almost like my little lady was up there looking down getting my attention. And now, blogging about it, I feel fine - a little sad, maybe - but otherwise OK.

Hope you're having fun up there my gorgeous.
x

Back Once More

After the run up to yesterday, I can honestly say that I woke up and felt better this morning. Yesterday was particularly hard, though I don't know why exactly. I felt drained, both physically and emotionally, and for a good part of the day, I was playing Hellgate: London, blowing seven kinds of crap out of everything bad, evil and demonic.

For the last couple of years, we've got to Jo's parents for both Bethys birthday and her Angel date, but this year, neither of us could face that little drama pit, so we did our own thing again yesterday. In true form, we had Ruth and her girls over, and Jo cooked one of the ultimate in Cheer Up Dinners - the mixed grill. Steak, Sausage, Bacon, Mushroom, Onion, Chips... It was sooo what I needed.

Last night we had a relatively early night and laid in bed having some cuddles, but it took me forever to drift off, then when I did, I kept jolting awake. So I'm tired as ever. But, none the less, I am in a much better frame of mind.

Just feels like it's been another long week yet again. But it's Friday finally so after the school run shortly, I can kick back and do sweet F.A.

Of course, as you may have noticed, I have the Cam on at the moment - thanks to Jo buying me a nice cheer up give of a Logitech QuickCam Fusion. Holy hell is it the best Webcam I've ever used - not to mention, sexy:



Lots of knobs and whistles on it, and I've installed it on both the computer and the laptop without any hassle, so no doubt will leave it pointing at something most of the time. I also have other plans for it, especially thanks to the quality of the picture it's kicking out!

I might even get a new blog template to incorporate it... *ahem*

In other news, I have a nice rant planned about the latest school-developments, luckily which don't affect me or Jaysen directly, but none the less, it's a good one that has the gaggles of mums up in arms while I stand back chuckling at them... Plus I have a few tagged/meme things to post, which I am hoping to string out for a while.

Lastly, once again, the overwhelming amount of sympathy and messages from people around the world still amaze me. Yesterday I received emails, text messages and even a few phone calls - all from people I've never physically met. Once again, thank you to you all.

The Most Beautiful Angel

Today marks the anniversary of Bethany leaving us once again. I woke up, and my mind started straight away, remembering the sights, sounds and smells of this very day, back in 2005. And that's how it started, being woken by a nurse with that look on her face. From 7am that day, till 12.21pm, it was constant hell.

The ghosts of that day - of that week - still surround me and on some days torment me. I can remember the most mundane of details, things you wouldn't give a second thought on most days. Even today, when my mind is wandering off on its own, it invariably ends up in the ward, the room, picking out one details that will send me reeling back..

Even today, I have no outward blame on the team at Guys. Nothing they did, at any stage, gave me cause for concern regarding Bethanys safety. And even when they knew - and they had to know - that the end was coming regardless, they still pushed the other departments for tests and results and everything else to make sure they covered every single option.

I don't think they did it for us, well, not mostly, anyway. They did it for Bethy because like everyone that met her, they loved her. She charmed everyone. Even people that never met her, those that lived overseas and knew of her, she was universally loved. It was just her way. Laying in ICU, drugged and sedated to the point she shouldn't be awake, she would answer questions with a nod or a shake of her head.

Back then, I had a goatee on my face. I used to torment Bethy by rubbing it on her tummy, and when we were in hospital, I would rub one of her tiny hands over it asking if she wanted me to tickle her tummy with it. When things looked bleak I even told her I would shave it off, just for her, and did so that week. "See baby, it's gone now... Can you feel it?" and I'd rub her hand over my smooth skin, and she would smile.

I've never grown it back. She hated it too much.

I wish I had more time with her. More time to see her grow, to do everything she wanted to do. I wish more people had met her, those that never knew her, and those that only knew through photos and words. I wish I could have protected her from everything she went through, taken her pain and held it as my own. I wish I could have done something, anything, to save her.

So much reminds me of her on a daily basis - some days I can smile, other days I cry.

To my beautiful little Bethy,
I can't believe it's been three years already. Three years of missing you every single day. I know that where ever you are, you are having so much fun, looking after all the other little angels, playing, laughing, dancing and singing, but I miss you so much.

I can't change the past, I wish so hard some days that it was all just a bad dream, and you will come downstairs with your hair all frizzy, your eyes all sleepy, just to climb on my lap and be with me. I wish I had had minutes more with you, just to talk more, be with you more and hold you.

Since that day, I've not cut my hair for you. Only a couple of people know that, but I've not cut it, simply because. But the beard has never come back, and even when there is a few days of stubble I have to remove it, just for you. I swear you've told your little sister about it too, because she comes up to me and rubs my face in the same way you did, wrinkling her nose. She doesn't say anything, but she doesn't have to.

I just wish I had more time with you beautiful. Five more minutes.

I will be with you again one day my little fairy, but not today, and not soon. I have to look after everyone here first. But I will hold you in my arms again, one day.

But not today.

Missing you so much, with all my heart,
Daddy
x

Strangely, I woke up with this song in my head today, and while it's not one of Bethy's songs, it always reminds us of her...

I've been here before a few times
And I'm quite aware we're dying
And your hands they shake with goodbyes
And I'll take you back if you'd have me
So here I am I'm trying
So here I am are you ready

Come on let me hold you touch you feel you
Always
Kiss you taste you all night
Always

And I'll miss your laugh your smile
I'll admit I'm wrong if you'd tell me
I'm so sick of fights I hate them
Lets start this again for real

So here I am I'm trying
So here I am are you ready
So here I am I'm trying
So here I am are you ready

Come on let me hold you touch you feel you
Always
Kiss you taste you all night
Always
Come on let me hold you touch you feel you
Always
Kiss you taste you all night
Always

I've been here before a few times
And I'm quite aware we're dying

Come on let me hold you touch you feel you
Always
Kiss you taste you all night
Always
Come on let me hold you touch you feel you
Always
Kiss you taste you all night
Always
Always
Always

Regarding Valentines Day

To all my girlfriends, mistresses, bits-on-the-side, girls-in-every-port, harlots, floozeys and everything else. As we are all acutely aware thanks to the battering we've had since New Years Day, Valentines Day is coming up. A day of love, roses, cards, chocolates, I love you's and all the rest of the fluffy stuff.

However, in keeping with the tradition of Jo and myself, I feel it's only fair to warn you, we don't DO Valentines Day. The reasoning is simple: We spent a V-Day in hospital with Bethy which turned out to be one of her worst days and had her sent straight back down to intensive care. We remember it clear as day, and frankly, we don't feel nuzzly, snuggly or fluffy on that day.

So we don't do it. We don't open cards from other people, we give chocolate to the kids, and so on.

February 14th, as far as we are concerned, just another day of the year.

Now, I know it will break sooo many hearts, spanning the globe and international borders no less, but please refrain from cards, flowers and everything else you want to send to me. I know it's going to be hard for you, but you really do need to contain yourselves. By all mean flash me with a smile, but that's about it ;)

We do, however, celebrate a different holiday, one that I have mentioned before. Granted, it's more for us Manly Men than for your Girly Girls, but none the less, it is celebrated in place of V-Day.

March 14th, Steak And A BJ Day. Mark it in your calendars.

Bad Daddy!

It's a common misconception about me, that I am in fact a good father. People often say to me "Awww you're so good to your kids" and I smile and nod, and make threatening "Shut The Hell Up!" looks at the kids. The fact of the matter is, I am a bad bad person, and likely, will burn downstairs for the things I've done.

Those of you that have been on the end of my sarcasm or "humour" will be pleased to know, I am an Equal Opportunities Bastard. Just because I take the piss out of you, does not mean my kids are immune. In fact, you have to bear in mind, they are here 24/7. They probably get it more than those of you that get ridiculed every few days.

When Jaysen was born, I became a Daddy for the first time, and, as he grew, and became a little more sturdy, the fun increased. Take a child that is learning to sit, surround them with pillows, hold tight and take bets which direction he'll fall. When his neck is strong, take two grown men, one armed with a baby, one armed with a soft ball. Baby Baseball was a big hit, and even when he was a toddler, if there were people over, he'd bring the ball over and want up in order to play.

Even Bethy was subjected to my harassment. With her insides all screwy, it wasn't quite so viable to play the physical games with her, but I used to offer ice cream and nice things to "Everyone with a spleen can have some!". Of course, Bethy was born without her spleen! Even in hospital - and probably some sort of defense mechanism to stop us wallowing - we used to laugh at some of the things she had done... When she was very ickle, they could not, for love nor money, get a line into her arms or legs - so they used a big one on her head. To protect it from Wandering Baby Hands, they taped a galley pot over the top which, for all intents and purposes, looks like a yoghurt pot. And Voila! The Fruit Corner for Cannibals was created/

Obviously, even now with Tam, she gets it too. She's not a fan of bugs or creepy crawlies, so guess what Daddy chases her with. She likes to be "shocked" with a BOO! so I do that fairly often. Probably too often. She's also been a member of Baby Baseball and Which Way Will It Fall. Of course, thanks to our shopping centre (Mall, for you Yankies) being made with marble flooring, Baby Curling was also a big laugh. Put the hood up on her coat, grip her by the front, and see just how far you can slide her. She was a pro at 18 months of age.

And so it continues, physical humour, dead arm/dead leg tricks, shocks, surprises... And this morning, I added a new (and, I add, unintentional) feather to my cap. I slept through three alarm clocks, five phone calls, a half-dozen text messages - and made Jaysen miss half a day of school.

Oops. Still, it's only the second time he's ever been late for school.

I'm not going to count the number of times I've forgotten to collect him...

Pick-Me-Uppers

When I get down in the dumps, as it were, it's not always terribly difficult for me to get out of the funk. Of late, aside from a a few hiccups here and there, I've been mostly "up".

Minds out the gutter at the back there.

Of course, Bethy's birthday usually leaves me feeling a little more deflated than usual, plus having been poorly since Christmas, plus the insomnia, well, it kicked me in the balls a little harder than usual. However, Jo in her infinite wisdom (stop laughing again) decided that there was in fact one thing that would ultimately fix me up.

No, they don't sell that in Asda.

Stealing the phrase from Firefly, Jo made the perfect food that we call Wife Soup. I've blogged about it several times before, but if you want the recipe, you can find it on this post here. Which, coincidently, turns out to me the day after one of Bethys angel days.

See, she makes it to make me feel better.

Of course, being keen on experimenting, I had a very large bowl, followed by some more. Just to make sure it was cooked right.

Anyways, I'm still poorly, but I think I am on the mend at last. I'm not attempting to cough my internal organs across the room any more, and after a 4am throat-clearing fit, I got a large, hard lump of something out my throat, and a while later my voice started coming back. I spent yesterday sounding like a teenager with a breaking voice - it'd just turn off or change pitch while talking.

Body still feels like it was hit by a bus, head is still doing the "Wom-Wom-Wom" thing, and my sinuses are still trying to kick out the front of my face.

But then, does ones face have a back?

Oh yes, and insomnia still reigns. I've done a few 36 hour and 48 hour days in the last fortnight, several 20+ hours, and spent an inordinate amount of time wandering the house in the dead of night.

Ah yes, life - it's grand :D

(Yes, rambling - it's gone midnight and i'm on my wobbly pills)

To A Special Angel

Today is a very special day in our lives. This time seven years ago, people all around the world were welcoming the birth of our new baby girl. For three months, people we'd never met were supporting us because of phrases we'd never heard affected our unborn baby. Over those three months, people offered help, support, answered my inane question, and even shared a laugh. A new mailing list was formed her in England to support everyone else that went through the same thing.

Friendships formed and grew. All because of on unborn baby.

When she was born, we expected the worst, and the team at the hospital were ready but cautiously optimistic. And we cuddled and hugged this little bundle we called Bethany. For a month, she was in hospital taking everything, and then on the 21st February 2001, she was sent home.

And slowly but surely, she grew. She went from a little baby to a slightly bigger baby - as babies are wont to do. Over the weeks and months, she endured tests, checkups, scans, xrays - but she always smiled at the people around her, always had a hug or a kiss for a nurse. We raised her as best we could, and she never had a bad word for anyone.

Her first surgery, on her older brothers birthday no less, was a great success, and she was home before Christmas. It wasn't long after that she started walking and developing even faster. She loved life.

No, she loved everything. Several people often said she was a new soul, experiencing everything for the first time, filled only with good.

Again, time passed as she grew, she loved playschool, she loved her friends - she wanted to marry Ethan, and have two children, Polly and Samual. She would play and laugh, only to stop to catch her breath and have a rest.

Just after her 4th birthday, we got the letter. They wanted to operate on her as soon as possible. She knew what was happening - we always told her - and she was so excited. She was getting her heart fixed, and would be able to run more and play more and dance. Always to dance.

But, her body couldn't cope with the surgery, and four weeks after they did it, at 12.21pm on February 21st 2005, she left the hospital once again, but not with us.

People say that time is a great healer. It's not; it get's different but never better.

I dream about Bethy some nights, and I swear it is her, coming down to see me. We always sit in the same place, and she cuddles me in the way she always cuddled me, and we talk. She tells me what she is doing, that she is having such a good time, and that she is dancing. And we sit and we cuddle until I wake up.

My gorgeous little Bethy,

Happy birthday darling. I can't believe it's your seventh birthday, and I am just sorry that you can't be here to have lots of presents and cake. I am sure you are having lots of fun with all the other little Angels up there, running and dancing without running out of breath. I'm sure you enjoy giving all the grandparents lots of cuddles when you do decide to stop!

We all miss you down here so much, but now you're not in pain, now there are no more needles or checkups or anything else, I am sure you love it up there.

I normally feel like I have to apologise to you; for not doing more, for not pushing the doctors for other options before the surgery, for not seeing the problems after and especially for not visiting your garden more. But I won't apologise this time because I know there is nothing I could have done.

But I kept the beard off gorgeous, just like you asked!

I'm sure you've had words with your little sister too - she hates the stubble on my chin and makes yucky noises when she touches it. She draws on the walls in the same places you did, and she claims that Bast is her cat, just like you did. She loves to dance - I'm sure you've taught her your moves.

I hope you are having fun baby, I really do. I wish I could give you a huge cuddle, but I know I can't, not yet.

Keep shaking your ass for me. Everyone here still thinks of you and that song.

I see you baby,

Daddy
x

Jo has also posted on her blog, Here

It's A New Year

So, finally, we're out of 2007 and into 2008 proper. How do I know this? The fact the boy is back at school. Yes folks, three days in, and he's back in education. On a Thursday, no less. Two days of school, then it's the weekend - which, as you can tell, has me slightly bemused. The school says it's to get the kids "back into the routine of school". Of course, it's more like they want to improve their numbers for the powers that be.

Anyway.

With germs being rampant in me through Xmas and into New Year, the cold has finally left. Of course, others out there aren't so lucky. Lane was sick all through Xmas Week, and spent New Year in her PJs. Mand was ill New Years Day and ended up in hospital. Jo spent most of New Years Day in bed (self-induced, no less). Steve has developed Man Flu. Amber and Pete have stinking colds. Plus a few friends out there had some real hassle with family, friends, partners...

But hey, *I* don't have germs!

Of course, the last two nights have been so restless it's not even funny. Having to carry Someone home does wonders for a dodgy spine. Yesterday and today my back is giving me some serious shite.

But anyway, with it being a new year, I'm aiming to be a little more upbeat. Flicking back through the crapfest that was my blog in 2007, there just seems to be so much whining and whinging and "woe-is-me" rubbish, I hope this year is a bit better. I'm feeling pretty good at the moment - things going on in life that make me smile, staying positive and suchlike. The last few years, December through till March have been shit to the extreme. January and February are usually massively depressing - missing Bethy, her birthday is the 15th of this month, and she became an angel on Feb 21st - not to mention Xmas, New Year and all the stupid things I remember on certain dates.

So while it is usually crap, I'm a lot more focused and positive this year. I don't doubt for a minute that there will be shit days, but it's getting different. Not better, it will never be better, just different.

Aside from the alteration in my frame of mind, I'm also aiming at shedding a junk load of weight. I've set up another blog that is currently empty, that will have a track of how well I am doing in regards to become less of a person ;) Other than that, I don't do resolutions. They are too easily broken. I just WANT to lose weight.

And of course, I aim to make the blog a little more interesting. I'm not sure how yet. I am holding off as well as I can with messing with the template. I can handle it. I am still refusing to put ads on here of any kind - no google ads, no popups, nothing. Sure I might make money with it, but I don't want people to read my blog in think I am doing it for commercial reasons.

Of course, if someone wants to buy me a spanky new laptop or even a macbook, then who am I to complain ;)

Maybe I should make a resolution to become a toyboy to an ailing millionaire heiress and become a kept man.

Back on track, mind out the gutter. I am contemplating working on some Audio Posts or even Video Posts for the blog. I have a semi-decent webcam, which has a mic built in, so I might be able to manage that. There is, of course, the whole "EEEEEK" aspect of it - I hate my voice and especially hate my physical appearance so I need to deal with that first :D

Anyhoo - stick around, enjoy your stay, I'm sure something will happen at some point...

She Gets It From Me

Looking in a mirror first thing in the morning, two things always go through my head. The first being hideous screaming at the sight of what happened over night (usually a visit from the hair fairy), the second wondering How On Earth Bethy and Tam ended up so damn pretty.

No, I'm not including Jaysen in this - boys aren't "pretty".

Anyway, I was sitting here the other morning, half asleep, warming my proverbial cockles with a hair dryer. Yes yes, I warm myself with a hair dryer. Anyway, Tam kept moving it and it was blowing her hair around and she was posing. Out comes Mr Camera, and clickity snapity click. Wind-Swept and posing. Bethy was a poser too.

So, my two beautiful girls...



Clearly I am a carrier of the Beautiful Gene. I could make a fortune as a sperm donor... Who wants my babies!

The Dumps

Despite the recent few posts, I'm actually been a bit down in the dumps over the last few days. I'm fairly sure it's more to do with it being A) Winter, and B) Me being bone tired, but none the less, I've been trying to keep my mind as occupied as possible.

Mostly playing WoW and pissing around on here.

I can't even say what started it, but I've been missing Bethy, and everything reminds me of her. Today at school Jaysen ran off across the field towards his class. That's it. And I had to be careful not to cry in front of the gaggle of mums saying farewell to their little sprogs. I don't know what it was - he looked small, defenceless, and just needing me.

To add to this, the infants playground was teeming with little kids running around with teddies and bunnies and what-not, all with a bandage on of some kind. The stuffed toys, not the kids. Of course, it was all in aid of Children in Need, but when Bethy was in hospital, we put a bandage and cannula on her favourite toy.

In general, I am OK, and like I say, I am fairly sure it's because it's just been a long-ass week and I am honestly that tired. I was in bed this afternoon sleeping. I was in bed last night at half eight, and now at half eight once again I am exhausted. We have people travelling down the country to see us this weekend, and while I am looking forward to seeing them, I am dreading it at the same time.

Ugh, you can ignore this whiney bitch post. I've even disabled comments for it.

Yesterdays Rant

Yesterday, I posted about the crazy freak that decided to create the scenario of her child being diagnosed as brain dead, who proceeded to recover, and made me question all my choices and decisions with Bethy. Lots of you have commented or emailed me out of disgust for this woman. I keep considering naming and shaming, but, lucky for me "Other" Emma has done it on her blog.

But that's not all - she's written an open letter to the crazy bitch. I know of a few other people that are now very unhappy with this idiot, and figured "what the hell" and have left a comment for her to read. Yes, I lost my rag a bit.

But hey! Now is YOUR turn. Go read the post and leave your own comment for the crazy hag. Am I inciting anger towards someone? Probably. But 0ddly, I am not that worried. Angry Dan managed to bury Compassionate Dan under the patio yesterday, so that's who she has to deal with.

Will I get an apology? I highly doubt it. Will she come out the woodwork? Possibly. if you end up here Elaina, I want you to know how angry and upset you've made people. An apology won't fix that, but it'd be a start. A reason as to why you did it would be even better.

Rant: Liars, Crazy People and Head Cases

Just a note, this could turn into a sweary rant. I haven't really decided yet. I'm angry, but not sure just HOW angry.

If you remember back in late-April, my mood took a turn for the worse. I had read something on a CHD List that hit me close to home and cut me through to the core. I was devastated, and had to deal with it as I didn't want to share with Jo as I knew how badly it would have effected her. I could only say so much on here just in case the author of the email arrived on here and thought I was bad mouthing her, her child, or her situation.

The simple version was this: Her child was in hospital having heart surgery, and as happens, things too a turn for the worse. Reading her mails was like reading my own updates - the problems, the hitches, everything that went wrong was like thinking about Bethany going through it all over again. And then it happened - something caused the childs brain to swell, and the doctors announced he was brain dead. Which is exactly what happened to Bethy.

But.

She refused to accept this, and order more tests, second opinions, and, after a week or so, the child managed to pull through. That was the straw that broke my back - Bethany had the same diagnosis, but WE never ordered tests or second opinions, and it stopped there. But the seed of doubt was well and truly planted in my head. The "What If's" started, the doubt took over, and I shut myself away from everyone and everything without explanation.

A couple of weeks later, the child was taken ill suddenly, and rushed back into hospital, and, sadly, he died.

So now we fast-forward back to now, and the last couple of days, people have been trying to get ahold of me. I noticed on Emma and Other Emmas blog, a post about trolls, but didn't think much of it. The Emma last night tells me something that caught me off guard. The woman made up the entire story. I don't know if the child exists or existed or whatever, but everything she said was a lie.

Today, I am dozing off on the sofa and my mobile rings, and it's Other Emma - she and the head honcho at Heartline have been trying to get a hold of me, and she explained to me all the lies that this person got caught up in, how she contradicted herself, how she changed details, altered major details and generally got trapped in her own lies.

To put it another way - she made up everything, and I had my heart torn out and stamped on because of a LIE.

Who the fuck does she think she is? What sort of person takes something like that and makes up a disaster around it? Seriously, how the hell can someone be so thoughtless. This stupid bitch posted on the UK list and one of the American lists I am on, and I know of at least two other parents that have had to deal with the same thing we did with Bethany. Did they see this persons story? Were they as cut up as I was, believing that this story was true and that there was the smallest inkling of possibility that they had made a mistake?

When I first read her story, I was heartbroken, I felt sick and angry at myself for not pushing for more tests. When I found out that this story was pure fucking fabrication, I was angry. I don't get angry very often, but I am sure if I knew where this person lived, then I would be having some very strong words with her. Assuming it is even a her.

Then there is the Compassionate side of me. Maybe she has a mental condition and needs help? Maybe she DID lose her child that way, and is reliving it all somehow. But Compassionate Dan is currently being beaten with a stick by Hacked Off Dan with a pair of dirty socks forced down his throat.

Part of me is in a mind to email her, to let her know exactly how fucked off I am, how upset I was, how upset I am now. There are some crazy fucks in this world, and it seems that my Crazy Fucker magnet is running at full strength.

Needless to say, I banned AND removed her from my UK List, plus let the owner and moderator of another list know - helpful being chums with people and letting them know they have fuck-heads on their lists!

Who knows, I might find it in myself to forgive this psycho, but I am not sure I can. She basically forced me to relive the last two weeks of Bethys life, but with added angle of making wrong decisions and questioning everything I'd done, said and decided.

So, Where've Ya Been?

Over the last couple of weeks, I've had a few mails and text messages asking exactly where I am, what's up, where've I been, and so on. Well, aside from the stupid lack of internet, and not being able to keep an internet connection for more than half an hour, I've been pretty much keeping to myself.

I've slowly been fading myself off the various support groups for kids with Congenital Heart Defects. I read various things and either feel awful and have old memories dredged up, or I see the worst outcome for someone, or I get jealous. Not jealous exactly - I've never been a jealous sort, but I can't choose the word I want. Reading about a child that has similar defects, goes in and out of surgery, I don't get angry or resentful, I just wish it was Bethys update I was reading. I would never, ever wish any other child ill, please don't think that...

But anyway...

Aside from that, we've been stripping through the house and front garden, cleaning, scrubbing, sorting, sifting. We've been hanging with real friends, or out and about, and generally just chilling out. We're trying to keep up with the little madam as well - she's well engrained into her Terrible Twos and is into everything. She lost Jo's late grandmothers wedding ring that was put away safe. She's emptied pretty much each and every container in the house (and grandparents house). She's uprooted plants, thrown things out the window/down the stairs... She is a terror that has no fear of smacked bums, the naughty step, no dessert...

Now, it makes her sound awful, but she is still beautiful and such like - she is giving perfect cuddles and loves to giggle. She's just a bit of a tearaway at the moment.

Jaysen is doing amazingly well at school. Even though he's only eight, he sat a series of tests a few weeks back that he did a stunning job of. His teacher is really happy with him, and he is on the "Smart Table" in class. He is reading at 10 years 9 months level, not bad considering he's 8 years 6 months, we're happy :)

So yes, with things getting back to normal here finally, I should be around more often. Maybe ;) Tomorrow I will do another Musical Monday, and Friday I will actually remember to do a FaceOff Friday! I'll also get back to my usual Blog-Spamming. I've cut down on the number of blogs I read daily, but you'll still see me around - and I've kept them all in the list on the side.

And for those reading elsewhere and not on 0ddness.co.uk, I've redone the template again. Again-Again ;)

Thank You

Wow. After a day, I am still getting messages from people around the world, people I don't know, people that have read someones post on a forum elsewhere, that have sent it to their friends and family, and so on.

Yesterday, 0ddness received a lot of visitors. While statcounter tracks them all, I can only see the data for the last 100 to come through, and they were all coming from either "No Referrer" which is someone coming here direct, or for various mail programs online.

It still amazes me the massive number of people that know of us and, more importantly, Bethany, and what she went through. Not to mention how she has actually touched people she has never ever met. Then on top, there are the tributes that others have put on their blogs... Amazing.

So a big thank you to everyone that took the time to think about Bethany. It means so much to us here at 0ddness Central.

Two Years Ago Today

Two years ago today, our beautiful Bethy had to leave us. She had been through more than any child anywhere could ever go through, and despite being the strongest, most beautiful little girl I could wish for, it was just too much for her, and she had to go.

Not a day - not One. Single. Day - goes by without me missing her, missing her laugh, her smile, her dancing, and her ability to make everything right with just a hug. She loved every moment of her short life, and I have never known anyone to give their love as freely as Bethany did.

It's currently a little before 6am, and I remember how the entire day played out, from one of our favorite nurses waking us up just before 7.30am, to the bad news, the CAT scan, the waiting, the conversations, the look on the doctors face when he returned, the decision, right up to the end at 12.21pm. I remember it all like it was yesterday.

And as quickly as she made everyone in the world smile, she was gone. She burned so hard and so bright, everyone knows who she was, and her light, her smile, touched the world.

To my beautiful Angel,
I can't believe it's been two years, my little gorgeous. I miss you so much baby. I came in from shopping the other day and expected you to be swinging out on the bannisters with a "DADDY!" and then helping me with the shopping while seeing what I'd bought.

I know where you are now, and I know you are doing what you want, when you want. No medicines, no stopping to catch your breath, nothing you don't want to do. I know you never complained about any of it, but I know you wanted to be fixed. I just wish it hadn't been in the way it turned out.

I will see you again gorgeous, one day. Then you can show me how wonderfully you dance, how bright your smile is, and comfort me when you fall asleep on my lap. But for now, I can't come and play, and you know that. You know I have Jaysen and Tamsyn to look after here, and I need to hold Mummys hand where you can't.

I miss you so much, my beautful little angel. I wish I could hold you, could smell your hair, hear you laugh and just see you dancing around the room, but it'll have to wait for now.

When I close my eyes, I see you baby, shakin' your ass.

Daddy
x

The Sweetest Angel