Hiding Out

While Monday was "ok" here - as you could prolly tell from the blog being busy - I was keeping busy for my own reasons. That reason was mostly Tuesday.

Tuesday was Jo's birthday, and my head was all over the place. Now, most people couldn't understand why my head was in such a mess, but it wasn't just that it was her birthday, it was also the fact that it was the anniversary of the day I proposed to her many years ago.

It hurt to think that I'd gone from being happily engaged, to being a single parent. It was just another of those "dates" that stuck in my head.

On top of this, I didn't know what - if anything - I should have done. Should I have gotten a gift, a card? As it was, I didn't do either - I wished her happy birthday by text, and it killed me to do so. Jo's parents got the kids stuff to give her from them, and I remained hiding out.

As you know, I was out Friday night. I was out Saturday daytime too. Then I spent all day Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday hiding out with Ruth. She's been looking after me, cooking my dinner and generally letting me rant and mope as much as I needed. I've helped her with her shopping, I've done a bit of babysitting for her (yesterday for 90 mins, today for a few hours) so she can sort various stuff out...

But, for the most part, I've been at hers almost the whole week.

I think today is the longest I've been here since Friday. And on the plus side, the two terrors are home today as well. Jo is out over the weekend, so I've got them for a couple of extra days, and thankfully (finally!) Jaysen is back at school on Monday. Part of me thinks this break has whizzed by, and the other part thinks "OMG come ON!"

So, hopefully with my head being back on track (again... again...) I will be a little more productive. The house is tidy which is something, but there's still lots needing doing. I've gone from being busy has hell to bored out of my skull.

Lemmie find that happy medium, and I will be sorted!

On top of being out, being busy/bored, I've been suffering from Insomnia from Hell. I'm talking "Bed At Midnight" and being awake till the wee small hours. My brain needs a mute button. Or just an off switch.

And having spent a couple of days off the meds, I'm zapping like a bitch too!

Aversion to Crowds

It may come as a surprise to you that this author is not a people person. Crowds of people, meeting new people, even asking a stranger for directions to ordering food from a restaurant - all of these things give me reason to get nervous.

I don't do well at parties, I don't do well at social events, and if there's not someone there I can cling desperately chat with, then I can find a reason for not going. Hell, even if there is someone I know there, I try to find a way out of it.

And public speaking - well, don't even get me started on that kettle of fish.

Chatting my text or email has never been an issue for me - I can message someone out of the blue and go from there. Commenting on new blogs, likewise, I can handle, and replying to people commenting on mine isn't a problem.

However, I've noticed that when a blog I read gets busy or popular, I tend to stop commenting. And I don't know why. Everyone loves comments, but if I see someone already has a dozen or more, then I won't add my two pence unless the subject at hand is really something I have to add to.

And I'm not sure why I'm like it either, but I think it's more to do with my crowd/people aversion than anything else. But if you wonder why I am not amid your myriad of comments, you know why ;)

Yes, I am weird.

The Dumps

Despite the recent few posts, I'm actually been a bit down in the dumps over the last few days. I'm fairly sure it's more to do with it being A) Winter, and B) Me being bone tired, but none the less, I've been trying to keep my mind as occupied as possible.

Mostly playing WoW and pissing around on here.

I can't even say what started it, but I've been missing Bethy, and everything reminds me of her. Today at school Jaysen ran off across the field towards his class. That's it. And I had to be careful not to cry in front of the gaggle of mums saying farewell to their little sprogs. I don't know what it was - he looked small, defenceless, and just needing me.

To add to this, the infants playground was teeming with little kids running around with teddies and bunnies and what-not, all with a bandage on of some kind. The stuffed toys, not the kids. Of course, it was all in aid of Children in Need, but when Bethy was in hospital, we put a bandage and cannula on her favourite toy.

In general, I am OK, and like I say, I am fairly sure it's because it's just been a long-ass week and I am honestly that tired. I was in bed this afternoon sleeping. I was in bed last night at half eight, and now at half eight once again I am exhausted. We have people travelling down the country to see us this weekend, and while I am looking forward to seeing them, I am dreading it at the same time.

Ugh, you can ignore this whiney bitch post. I've even disabled comments for it.

Pain

Today, I will be mostly suffering and hurting. The last week of being busy has caught up with me - well, it caught up with me last night in bed. But regardless, I am in fricking agony today. Added to this, somehow I have forgotten to take The Meds for the last two days, so not only am I twitching and zapping, but I'm trying to keep my mind occupied and OUT of the hospital.

Anyway, I've managed to get almost dressed. I managed a washing load. I managed to plug my laptop in on this side of the room.

And that's it.

So, no doubt you can expect mucho-spammage from me today. And no webcam - it'll either point at unkempt Dan, or Cartoon Network!

When it Rains...

Things have been fairly quiet here today. Jaysen was up till gone midnight crying, plus Jo had a very restless night, which means late night for me filled with unrest. I decided to keep him off school, and the woman in the office when I called was completely understanding. He's a little happier today, we've let him kick around in what ever clothes he's wanted, and pretty much had a kick-back day.

Jo went to her parents at around lunchtime and they spent the afternoon talking about Nan, how stubbon she was, how many great things she did. She was 93 - that's two world wars, three monarchs and over twenty Prime Ministers. Jo has a couple of bits of her jewellery, things she remembers nan when when Jo was ickle, and aside from some tears, this afternoon was OK.

Plans are being made, and Nan - like her late husband - will be cremated. Of course, the crematorium is the same place that we had Bethy's funeral, so my stomach is tied in knots. Everyone is saying "You don't have to go", and I am seriously considering it. I went there for Bethy's funeral, then for Jo's other nan, but couldn't go to my grandfathers because of where it is, and it's looking like I might not be able to force myself to this one.

I hate it.

And of course, this wouldn't be the 0ddness Household if things didn't keep hitting the fan for us. About half an hour ago, the heavens opened as a massive storm landed directly overhead. Not a bad thing in itself - just some rushing around to close windows...

This picture doesn't really do it justice, but you can make out the sheets of rain if you look, or check the surface of next-doors pond:




However, five minutes into the rain storm, there came a strange sound from the middle-landing, followed by the sound of running water. On goes the light, to see this:


Bear in mind, there is another floor ABOVE this one, so the water has come in, fallen for a storey, then pushed out a piece of ceiling to pour filthy water and plaster all over the stairs. Marvellous. I've called the housing people, left a message - but they decide if it's an emergency or not and phone back if it is.

Seriously, I know it's just a leak somewhere and what not, but when the hell will we get a break? Just a few minutes is all I ask. Nothing to worry about, nothing stressing or depressing us.

*sigh*

Veg Out Day

Today, for the first time since... er... well, the first time that I can remember in a while, I've had to do precisely nothing all day long. For reasons only known to my body, I was up at six this morning, where I proceeded to shower, leave my hair down, dried, dressed, and plonked at the computer.

I have been playing WoW virtually ALL day which is nice - chatting to friends, having a bit of a laugh, and generally having my feet up and not having to worry about anything. One of our neighbours, Cel, has a brother staying with her, and he's a WoW addict too, so he's here next to me playing on Jo's computer, while she and Cel are at her house playing SingStar.

Now, granted, I am a bit freaked out by having to entertain a stranger, and am resisting the urge to throw up, but otherwise, he seems nice enough. All we've done is chat about what we do on the game, but that's enough for me. I'm shaking and nervous - talk about social anxiety.

And in about half an hour, me and him are heading back to Cels, where she is cooking us chinese. The thought of having to go out is also filling me with dread, but we have to do these things...

Aside from WoW, I've made some tea, bathed a dog, had a quick tidy up and done a couple of wash loads, but all in all, it's been a nice, lazy day.

Just Feeling Down

Some days I feel just "crappy". There's no way to explain how, or why, or what caused me to slip into a funk, but I just wake up feeling unhappy. Some days, I am fine, and so much back to "Normal Dan" it amazes me and those around me that thought he was long gone. And other days - just like yesterday - I wake up feeling good, bundle downstairs, check my email, and read something that shoots me down. I'm talking "duck blown out the sky with a cannon" shoots me down, not a little bit of engine smoke and a calm, casual landing.

Invariably, I hit the ground with a heavy thump and a splat, and there I stay for a while till I can scrape myself up again and move on, slowly getting better until I am fine again.

Despite being out all day yesterday, I was just trudging around looking at the stuff in the shops, apathetic to the options of this-versus-that, and generally unhelpful. We got home, got the boy from school, and spent the rest of the afternoon doing housework on autopilot, sorted dinner, then watched a couple of DVDs in bed.

Now today, I've woken up later than usual, and instead of running around sorting everything, I am thinking "Meh, if we're late we're late". I need to scrape myself up, need to get on with everything. I hate wallowing, and hate sounding like I want the world to sit me down and say "There there Dan" because that's NOT me. No doubt I will spend another day sulking in the corner, playing the bloody "What If..." game, looking at the decision I helped make and wonder if it was the right one. Then I will start reattaching my limbs and moving on.

I think it might be time for me to leave the CHD Lists out there that I am on.

When I Grow Up...

This year, I am 31. I will have been "off sick" for the last seven years. I've had jobs, but I've never had a career. I know there are people out there that think I've achieved nothing, but I disagree. I've got Jo, I've got the kids, I've got my friends. I know family members are disappointed that I've not done more with my life, but hey, it's not like I woke up one day and thought to myself "Hey, I know, I'll live the rest of my life as a slacker"

I'd love to work, I'd love to say in coversation "Me? Oh, you know, I'm an astronaut"

I was talking to Jo last night, and talking about what I'd like to do in the future. I often think about becoming an Infant teacher. I often think about working for the RSPCA as an inspector. I often think about taking a course like Photography or Journalism. I often think about becoming an Ambulance or Paramedic tech. I often think I'd like to pack everything up and move to another country - a fresh start, as they call it. We had the chance many years ago to up and move to Ireland, but for various reasons, that fell over.

Of course, there is all the fine-print. Could I jump back into work with my back and Chronic Fatigure? Could we just up and move to another country? Of course, most of my "skills" are in the computer-department, but mostly I am self-taught. Starting a "new" career would also mean going back to school in some form - college, university - to get all the "neccessary qualifications" but we're drowning in debt already, so could we afford to do it?

My biggest problem is change. I am a coward, and I need everything to be just so. Say we move to the States and it all goes pear-shaped. Then what? What if I train for months and years, only to have my back give out completely? As we are, we're "getting by" which isn't what I wanted for Jo and the Kids. What if my desire to change messes it all up?

As you can tell, it's not something I am going to decide to do over night. I don't even know why I am blogging about it. What I need is a fairy godmother or a genie to tell me what to do. That'd make it all easier! Or a lottery win.