Jo was over yesterday. We sat talking for an hour or so, again apologising to one another, a few weepy moments (me, as usual), but otherwise just talking. We moved on to the bills and stuff we owe money to, sorted them into current bills, debts, who's is who's and such like.

After going through the paperwork, we're not as in debt as we first imagined, and I think the perceived debt was worse than the actual debt - which is now split in half. With the gas, electricity and water, where we'd run up large bills, Jo is going to help me out with them as well. She called the companies that were in joint-names and had one or the other name removed and arranged final bills/new accounts and such like, so that's another hurdle dealt with.

After all that was dealt with, she sat in the kitchen with me while I cooked lunch for us, and we all sat and ate together, just chatting. Jo's not been eating either, so even though we only had a little bit, we sat and ate.

Jaysen went back off with Jo last night, and Tam stayed here with me. After Jo left and Tam "helped" clear up, we went to the park for an hour or so. It was cold and windy, but we had fun - she was climbing and swinging around, and I was occupied with her.

When we got in, she helped with some laundry, I made her a cold dinner and as with every silver lining, I found the cloud. All because of corned beef. I had to ask Jo is Tam liked it - no big deal, but then started feeling like a complete arse. I should know what she likes, what she eats and suchlike.

I text Jo with my usual depressed rambling and she called, and we spent an hour on the phone, her reassuring me that I'm a good father, a good person and such like. I had this fear - right in the pit of my stomach - that everyone around is watching me, just waiting for me to fall apart, to fail and have everyone nod, lean back and utter those fateful words... "Told you so"

After chatting with Jo, I felt much better. Again. So set around sorting Tam out for bed. Half seven I tried her in her own bed, but that was just NOT happening. So I tried her in my bed. Sat with her, read her a story, tucked her in, gave her her teddy... Ten minutes later she was running, bouncing and being a monkey. Tried on the sofa with the TV off, but again, no chance.

Just before nine *I* went to bed and took her with me. Plan was to sit with her with a cartoon on, get her to sleep, then go on MSN, Blog, Email... She made it through one-and-a-bit episodes of Samurai Jack before flaking out, snuggled against me. I thought "I'll just watch the end of this episode" and the next thing I knew... 3am, screen saver running on the laptop on my legs, Tam curled against me, Sally laying by my feet, Dipstick in a ball beside me.

I managed to move the computer before nodding off again, and then it was seven in the morning. I slept. Without painkillers.

Sadness is exhausting.

But anyway, we got up this morning, watched some TV, sorted out some little jobs, bathed Tam, I had a shower, fed and now, here we are. Again, I am focused and looking forwards, and while I don't doubt I will have my shit times, I'm thinking better now.

Of all things, I've been thinking of the decorating; paints, papers, curtains, even pictures and suchlike. Obviously it's going to be a long-term work in progress, but small steps...

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One Response to “Focus”

Annette said...

I'm sorry your having a bad time at the moment, but I can assure you things will get better. You're nearly there now, aren't you?
It will get better.