Re-Emerging

This evening, I had an epiphany. A word which I spelled correctly the first time. Go Me.

Anyway, I was sitting, and thinking about today. I have been, shall we say, a wee-bit nervous about going away this weekend. And while sitting here watching the fish, listening to music while I chill out and relax, it sort of came to me in a big fat lump of "snap out of it you tard".

This isn't me. I'm not a nervous, quaking-in-my-boots kinda guy.

Back in the day, when I hung wit me homies While I was growing up as a teenager, I used to go out randomly all the time. I used to chat to people I didn't know. I used to go places that were new to me. I was the only person out of all my friends that played around on the internet so there was no online-planning skills. There was certainly no such thing as teens with mobile phones, so no texting to chat. Once you left the house, it was either know what you were doing, or get to a phone box. Assuming, of course, you had the brain cell power to write down a friends phone number, and assuming of course, that friend was in.

I used to travel to Kent every week for about three years, on my own time, to see friends, live roleplay, hang out... Sometimes a person I barely knew would get me in his car and drive me there. We'd chat and talk about nothing. Sometimes Jay would come along, sometime Gemma, Pogo, or whoever. More often than not, I was on my own with just my mix tape for company.

I would go to the occasional party. I would very occasionally go from one party and crash another. I'd go to a club or a pub. I'd chat to people there, at the bar. I'd chat to people at the burger/kebab van. I was independent.

And I have NO idea what changed. I can't even place it, so have to think that over the years of living with Jo and having her talk to people, ask questions and what-not, I think I slowly stepped back into the shadows a bit. Now, don't take this that I am blaming her. I'm not, not even a little bit. It was one of those things, and soon, I loathed groups of people, hated meeting strangers, hated social situations, new places and everything else. After my back "went" I hated going out, hated socialising even more, hated talking about me... Working for Telewest killed my will to live, being stuck in a call center for 12 hours a day, five or six days a week. Even today, I can't answer the phone if I don't know who's calling for fear of, I don't know, something...

When Jo left, I decided I needed to pull my socks up a bit. Before, I couldn't walk into a restaurant and order, couldn't get drinks at a bar, couldn't ask a shop worker where something was. But over the last few weeks, not only have I HAD to do it, but I've been forcing myself to do it. Ordering my food AND whoever I was with their food. I've chatted and bantered with the people running tills, shared a laugh with a barman, and quite often, if someone near me sneezes, I'll say bless you.

OK, it might sound completely stupid to you, but trust me, it's a big thing for me.

Now, back to the point at hand. I have been completely, utterly and fully dreading this weekend. I intentionally booked my train tickets well in advanced so I couldn't use that gem to cop out. But it didn't help with the fear factor. No, this was going to happen, even if it killed me.

My issue was stupid to a "normal" person, but a massive deal to an idiot like me. I'm going to a place I've never been before. I'm going to meet someone I've only chatted to online, plus her hubby that I've hardly spoken with. On top of that, they also have three others coming to stay with them (plus me!), people I hardly know. PLUS we're all going out Saturday night to a bar that will be full of people.

I've been screwing about it, more so the last few days.

But, while watching my fish, I decided enough was enough. No, actually, as I sent in a message to someone earlier...

"Fuck this nervous shit. Fuck it in the stupid arse. I'm better than this. I used to travel all the time, talk to strangers all the time, go to the pub and hang with people I hardly knew. Balls to it. All of it. I can bloody do this. AGAIN. This isn't a New Dan, this is the ORIGINAL Dan!"

As I say, this might sound completely stupid to most of you, but those that know me in person know I am really shy and nervous a lot of the time. But Internet Dan and Personal Dan ARE the same person - just the Internet version of me is who I really am.

Who knows, once I'm completely out of my shell, I can work on the other shit that I deal with! Yes, like Shrek, I'm like an Onion...