The Department Store

As is thoroughly well documented in the Annuls of 0ddness, I neither "do" nor "get" most fashions, trends or similar behaviours exhibited by my fellow man. Man, as in mankind, that is.

So imagine my deep joy when, while accompanying the 0dd Sister, Gemma, on a trip into town, she said we had to go into Big Department Store down there. Aside from trendy shops, I don't "do" Department Stores. One, I am not cool enough, Two, I don't get the whole Shop-Within-A-Shop rubbish, and Three, the people that work there can see I do not belong.

Put it this way - the last time I set foot in one was Christmas-before-Last, and I was accompanying Kellie to buy the 0dd Mother-in-Law some Xmas Smellies.

Gemma needed makeup.

That is, she needed to buy some - I am not going to comment on her needing to wear makeup. But I digress.

We wander into the shop, and go to one of the shops-within-the-shop (Seriously...?!) and have to wait around for a few minutes because the girls that work in the other shops aren't allowed to help customers at other shops.

The lady turns up and Gemma explains - with the aid of a torn packet - that this is what she wants. Being that my sister can make most things last years - makeup, diesel, the guilt of scarring her forehead - it was no surprise when the lady said "Hmmm, we don't make that one any more" and proceeded to question Gemma on what she needed.

Well, fellow MEN, if you have never witnessed this female behaviour, I strongly suggest you do so. Colour Matching and Blending... She held up a bit of clear plastic with various colours splattered over it, and "found Gemmas colour" on it, and proceeded to apply it.

Now, her skin colour is, erm... Let's say Colour X. So the lady found Colour X, and with a mini paint brush, applied it to Gemmas chin. So, what she did, was take Gemmas Colour X, and put it on top of... Colour X?

There MAY have been one or two mocking comments from yours truly. I may have caused a nervous breakdown for the woman. So, happy with the fact this woman was covering her own skin colour with, er, her own skin colour, Gemma proceeded to buy it. H

However.

They happened to be out of stock.

So, they had to go "a shade darker" so the lady cleaned off the paint brush and applied Colour Y. The difference? None What So Ever!

I may have pointed this out. I may have continued my mocking, and I may have told Gemma that she's being ripped off - the brush had nothing on it, the woman was just tickling her face with it.

She didn't believe me! I know, shocking isn't it.

Gemma, happy with buying Colour Y, agrees that that is what she wants, and proceeds to the counter. The woman then rummages around her cupboard, and the next stage is the type of finish. The options were a matt finish, a glossy finish, a silk finish, a lasting finish, a thicker finish...

Anyone else see types of PAINT here?! Matt, Gloss, Silk, Exterior and One Coat?

I MAY have pointed this out to the woman. She had never seen it that way, but I bet she does now.

So Gemma chose the exterior paint and there's me thinking that was that. No no. NOW we have to make our way to a Payment Area - accompanied by the woman - and before she could even pay, she decided to do some form-completing on the computer!

I was mocking, the whole time. I stood there, looking at the other products. The complete and utter shit you women think you need to make your face look nice is beyond me. Properly out of my mind. Cleansers and Toners, Oils, Anti Ageing, Exfoliaters and Masks, Serums, Night Cream, Day Cream, Hydration Treatments... And you know what - it doesn't matter WHAT stupid "formula" name they slap on it - ProEvolutiul x10 or something shit - it means BUGGER ALL!

This little tube Gemma bought yesterday cost close to £30. Granted, it lasts her a few years, but then, she only uses a tiny bit two or three times a week. There are those of you out there - and I can hear you shuffling uncomfortably - that would go through the tube on a regular basis.

Thirty quid. For foundation?

And don't tell me "Oh but I NEED it!" or "But it DOES make a difference!" because I refuse to believe it. If you lot just realised, you're going to get old, throwing money at your face won't change that, that money could be spent on other things you could ENJOY, products sporting "newly discovered proteins" and "Micro Bead Release Technology" would soon vanish.

Let's put it another way. If Hubby came home and had spent a metric Shit Ton of money on a new beer because it contained "Micro Activated Yeast & Hop Particles Transfused in a Laboratory" you lot would go mental. Proper garrity and off the rails. If you moan that "Hubby spent £80 in the pub this week" go look at all your lotions and potions, tally up all the treatments you have for your skin, your nails and your hair, and then tell me who had the more fun and cost the least.

And before any of you start jumping up and down and spitting your dummies out at the fact there are now male ranges of all this sort of shit, you're right. The men that fall for all that crap are idiots too. But I don't know a single bloke that buys it.