Bloody Bodyclock
I have no idea why or whatever reason my body will use for it, but the last few weeks have been compete and utter pants for my insomnia. I am tired and doing my best to hold in the grouchy each day, struggle to stay awake during daylight hours, find I need to be in bed early of an evening, and then, between one and two in the morning, I wake up.
And awake I can stay till gone five. I might nod on and off until five, but once that magic time rolls around, I flake out hardcore style, and am dead to the world until woken up, or left to wake up - which, if I'm left, can be between ten and eleven in the morning.
For the most part, Kellie usually wakes me up when she's getting ready for work (as I don't like not saying goodbye, and I don't like sleeping in) so I'm not sleeping till late. When my body starts trying to fall asleep during the day, usually around 1pm, I try to keep busy and fight it off. If I am full-on exhausted, I'll have a nap, but not often.
The same thing happens around six, I have to fight dozing off, and never let myself sleep at that time of the day. Of late, I've been exhausted by half eight, and from then on till about ten, I will go to bed.
Once in bed, I've even been too tired to read or poke around on my phone. It's literally get into bed, wait till madam gets comfy, then I fidget a bit and pass out...
Only to reawaken between one and two again.
Sometimes - like tonight - it's pain. The last few nights have been pain-related. My legs are not happy at the moment, and my pain killers are doing between Diddly and Squat for me.
Sometimes my brain wakes me up, and it's stuff I've got to do, or need to do, or thought about doing, or stuff I've been thinking about in general. If it's not pain, it's usually my brain waking me.
Sometimes it's Kellie... A nightmare, or dumping the duvet on me, or removing the duvet from me, or she's making strange sounds on her sleep, suggesting she's either possessed, drowning, strangling herself, having a heart attack or something else entirely random...
Sometimes it's a noise in the house that should not be there. Usually it's a child getting up for a piss, or a cat being a dickhead, or a neighbour making a sudden noise.
Sometimes, it can be the most mundane biological retirement... I need to piss.
And sometimes, it's just "because" It's almost like my body has gone "psst, Dan... Let's be awake for no reason what so ever!" which is so marvellous...
I've mentioned my only company before, a very confused blackbird that seems to sing all night. Indeed, even as I write this, he's out there singing his heart out. If it were five in the morning, I could understand - getting ready for the dawn chorus and all that - but all night long...? He must be as tired as me.
It is usually perfectly silent outside. The occasional car, the odd drunk returning home, a rare emergency vehicle shooting past, blue lights lighting the room briefly... But otherwise, it's quiet and peaceful and almost relaxing... I love the song of a blackbird, and while I feel for him being up all hours, it's not entirely unpleasant.
Don't get me wrong, I don't enjoy being awake, and would much rather be sleeping, but aside from the occasional bored American on Facebook, no one local is around cyberspace at this time of the night. The only others are pissed-off insomniacs just passing through, muttering to themselves, reading posts through bleary eyes, before toddling back off to their beds.
There might be other insomniacs on Twitter, but I don't really spend much time on there. Sometimes I'll be on there for half an hour, but, I don't know.. It just feels impersonal or something on there, and too many people are only interested in arbitrary numbers... Number of followers, and number of tweets. People might say "oh I don't pay attention to those" but you can tell they do by celebrating their twelve-millionth tweet, and posting over and over and over all day long. Maybe Twitter should hide those numbers, that'd be interesting...
But I digress.
I could go and play games, spend a few hours killing baddies or zooming through space or whatever, but usually that just wakes me up more, and I don't even get the early morning mash up of sleep.
I could lay in bed and think about random stuff, stewing on stuff in the dark, but that's not helpful, plus some things just don't need it... Cheque please, over it, move on. Other things can be ranted out and dealt with. Yes, there is probably other stuff I can dwell on, but it doesn't solve anything.
Tonight I'm trying the tactic of making a hot chocolate. I have no idea if it will help or work, but I've not done it for a while, so who knows.
And as well as the hot drink, here I am blogging. Maybe laying my random thoughts out like this will help. Maybe I'll put my phone down and something I've said here will cause me to sit up thinking and stewing for hours on end. Maybe I'll flake out.
But whatever happens, me and my blackbird cohort will no doubt be sitting here this time tomorrow too, him singing away, me trying to understand what my body or brain is trying to tell me.
And awake I can stay till gone five. I might nod on and off until five, but once that magic time rolls around, I flake out hardcore style, and am dead to the world until woken up, or left to wake up - which, if I'm left, can be between ten and eleven in the morning.
For the most part, Kellie usually wakes me up when she's getting ready for work (as I don't like not saying goodbye, and I don't like sleeping in) so I'm not sleeping till late. When my body starts trying to fall asleep during the day, usually around 1pm, I try to keep busy and fight it off. If I am full-on exhausted, I'll have a nap, but not often.
The same thing happens around six, I have to fight dozing off, and never let myself sleep at that time of the day. Of late, I've been exhausted by half eight, and from then on till about ten, I will go to bed.
Once in bed, I've even been too tired to read or poke around on my phone. It's literally get into bed, wait till madam gets comfy, then I fidget a bit and pass out...
Only to reawaken between one and two again.
Sometimes - like tonight - it's pain. The last few nights have been pain-related. My legs are not happy at the moment, and my pain killers are doing between Diddly and Squat for me.
Sometimes my brain wakes me up, and it's stuff I've got to do, or need to do, or thought about doing, or stuff I've been thinking about in general. If it's not pain, it's usually my brain waking me.
Sometimes it's Kellie... A nightmare, or dumping the duvet on me, or removing the duvet from me, or she's making strange sounds on her sleep, suggesting she's either possessed, drowning, strangling herself, having a heart attack or something else entirely random...
Sometimes it's a noise in the house that should not be there. Usually it's a child getting up for a piss, or a cat being a dickhead, or a neighbour making a sudden noise.
Sometimes, it can be the most mundane biological retirement... I need to piss.
And sometimes, it's just "because" It's almost like my body has gone "psst, Dan... Let's be awake for no reason what so ever!" which is so marvellous...
I've mentioned my only company before, a very confused blackbird that seems to sing all night. Indeed, even as I write this, he's out there singing his heart out. If it were five in the morning, I could understand - getting ready for the dawn chorus and all that - but all night long...? He must be as tired as me.
It is usually perfectly silent outside. The occasional car, the odd drunk returning home, a rare emergency vehicle shooting past, blue lights lighting the room briefly... But otherwise, it's quiet and peaceful and almost relaxing... I love the song of a blackbird, and while I feel for him being up all hours, it's not entirely unpleasant.
Don't get me wrong, I don't enjoy being awake, and would much rather be sleeping, but aside from the occasional bored American on Facebook, no one local is around cyberspace at this time of the night. The only others are pissed-off insomniacs just passing through, muttering to themselves, reading posts through bleary eyes, before toddling back off to their beds.
There might be other insomniacs on Twitter, but I don't really spend much time on there. Sometimes I'll be on there for half an hour, but, I don't know.. It just feels impersonal or something on there, and too many people are only interested in arbitrary numbers... Number of followers, and number of tweets. People might say "oh I don't pay attention to those" but you can tell they do by celebrating their twelve-millionth tweet, and posting over and over and over all day long. Maybe Twitter should hide those numbers, that'd be interesting...
But I digress.
I could go and play games, spend a few hours killing baddies or zooming through space or whatever, but usually that just wakes me up more, and I don't even get the early morning mash up of sleep.
I could lay in bed and think about random stuff, stewing on stuff in the dark, but that's not helpful, plus some things just don't need it... Cheque please, over it, move on. Other things can be ranted out and dealt with. Yes, there is probably other stuff I can dwell on, but it doesn't solve anything.
Tonight I'm trying the tactic of making a hot chocolate. I have no idea if it will help or work, but I've not done it for a while, so who knows.
And as well as the hot drink, here I am blogging. Maybe laying my random thoughts out like this will help. Maybe I'll put my phone down and something I've said here will cause me to sit up thinking and stewing for hours on end. Maybe I'll flake out.
But whatever happens, me and my blackbird cohort will no doubt be sitting here this time tomorrow too, him singing away, me trying to understand what my body or brain is trying to tell me.
Name: Dan English
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