Twelve Days..

Dear Baby Tadpole,

As I write this, it is half past two in the morning, my left hand is on mummy's tummy, and all I can feel is you; a foot or a knee or something pushing up, flexing and twisting. Further down, small little hands or fists pushing outwards.

And now, your arrival is officially classed as "imminent" by many people, but that is still a whole twelve days or more from now. The process might get started in twelve days, but how long it takes you to put in an appearance... Well, we shall wait and see.

Throughout Al of this, I've found two things fascinating me. One, how strong you are, especially now at 36 weeks. You push and kick and wiggle and even your hiccups cause everything to move noticeably. I'm sure mummy is not quite so enthralled with it as I am, but still, I love to feel you there, as though you're with me.

Second is how much I love you already. I've only ever seen a representation of you in sound waves on a screen. Whites, greys and blacks - bones, skin, organs, fluid in your bladder... I've seen inside your body and your head - but I've yet to see you personally... And yet, every push against me through the tummy makes my heart swell. I love you to pieces already, and yet, I have no idea if you're a boy or a girl, if you'll be good at science, enthralled with reading, a juggler, an accountant, a chef... Your whole lifetime is stretched out way into the future, yet you're still not present, not properly.

I just want to hold you. To have you squirming in my arms, to kiss you and protect you and to love you. All without seeing you.

Of course, I'm worried about me too. Will I be a good father. Will I be there no matter if you're angry at a friend, upset over a lover, or struggling with your work. Will I be able to be there for you, whenever you need me. Even the stupid things like, will I be able to keep up with you, to be able to roll around on the floor giggling, to be the monster that chases you up to bed... I just don't know. I do know, however, that no matter what, I will do my damnedest, my absolute hardest, to be there for you no matter the problem, no matter if you're in school or getting married. I will push myself as hard as I physically and mentally can.

You are so close to arriving, my sweet beautiful little Tadpole. Twelve days doesn't sound like a lot, but it feels like it's never going to get here. As though you're not going to be here any time soon. I have to be patient - you wouldn't believe it from how I'm talking, but I'm a very patient person - and being patient is all I can do. Plus, I'm so tired, the word "patient" doesn't make sense to me any more - I'm not even sure I'm using the right spelling... Ho hum.

Anyway... Not long now, Tadpole. I'm sure you're going to be spoiled and doted on, constantly. I'm sure you're going to keep me on my toes and cursing my insomnia. I'm sure you'll wake up to find me just watching you sleep, and you'll wonder what the heck I doing. I'm sure I will be highly unimpressed with that first nappy, but I am fully aware every cuddle will make up for it, every look into your eyes, every time you smile or giggle... How I'm going to be able to say NO to you, I don't know...

See you "soon" Tadpole... Love you lots.

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