Fourteen Years Today

Somehow, today marks the fourteen anniversary since losing Bethany. Fourteen years... That in itself is a whole child - Tam will be 14 in four weeks. But it feels so surreal.

On the one hand, today the loss feels very raw and fresh. On the other, it feels like a lifetime ago. I know back then, I was a very different person, and I wonder how much the events changed who I am as a person. I've mentioned before how various aspects of who I am changed after she passed away, and with my brain being as useful as it is, I don't know how much of it is for better or for worse.

Some days are better than others, and obviously the good outweigh the bad, but it still hurts if I think too much about it. Which, obviously, I don't make a habit of - but it's always in a part of my mind.

This time of year is rough, between her birthday and her today, coupled with the horrible grey damp miserable weather - I find myself low and miserable a lot. A couple of you are there for me which helps and makes a difference, but...

I don't know. I am rambling more than anything today. Having had very little sleep of late, today is not what I would call a cakewalk, but as ever, I'll survive.

It's very hard to put into words. I can't verbalise how much I miss her, and that, even after so long, how much it still hurts that she's gone.

My beautiful Angel, Bethy

Today, fourteen years ago, you had to go. You had fought so hard against everything, but your poor little body had take more than any person should ever have to take. You were the bravest little gorgeous ever, no matter what was thrown at you.

You smiled at people after they took your blood. You cuddled the people that prodded your tummy. You played with the people that pushed and pulled things inside your body. You always had a smile and a laugh and a cuddle, and more love than any person ever.

But after everything your poor little body took, it was finally too much. I remember holding you , kissing you, and singing to you on that day, and my heart still breaks at seeing you so small and vulnerable in my minds eye.

I miss you so much my little baby. I miss seeing your smile, see you performing some daredevil move in the house, running until you were literally blue in the face...

Everything about you and who you are live on inside so many people, and I am proud that you bought love to so many people around the world. You truly are my amazing little gorgeous.

I miss you my Bethy, every day. But I see you, baby.
I see you baby x

With all my love,
Daddy
x