Sixteen Years

Sixteen years.

It seems like - and almost literally is - a lifetime. In that time, a child is born, raised, and here in the UK, they're ready to go to college or, if they decide, out into the world, qualifications in hand.

And yet, for me, sometimes it feels like just the blink of an eye.

Sixteen years ago, you left. You dealt with so much in your four short years, and enough was enough. You gave me so much love, so many amazing cuddles, made me laugh untold numbers of time, but today, it's hard to think of much else except that day in the hospital, sixteen years ago.

Don't get me wrong - I am not dwelling on that day, those final hours, minutes and moments - not intentionally. But flashes of it come back to me despite pushing them aside. 12.21pm. That bloody picture on the wall of the fish. A sound. A smell. A movement you made, making me think the doctors were wrong...

Without meaning to sound dramatic, that day when you left, I know part of me left with you. People say how a part of them died, and I completely understand what they mean, without actually understanding what or how.

But regardless of any of the horrific thoughts and memories from that day, I still have four years of memories of you, my beautiful gorgeous, Bethany. 

Four years of you laughing, giggling, cuddling, playing, and yes, even being a monster that could destroy two bedrooms in the space of half an hour. The child that helped shave and colour in our old dog - two different incidents in fact. The same little girl that, assisted by her big brother, managed to "accidentally" tip a huge bucket of paint onto a carpeted floor, and - again, a separate incident - managed to rip open a bean bag so the polystyrene balls covered two our of three floors of the house.

The same polystyrene balls that you "accidentally" managed to re-explode all over the garden days later.

But sixteen years is hard for me to swallow. I don't know why, I don't understand my emotions at the best of times, but today just feels hard...

Just know, my Bethy, that you are greatly missed - even by people that have never met you. You are still greatly loved, again, by people that never got to see you. I know I will see you again one day my little gorgeous, and then we can have all the fun and dancing and cuddles to make up for our lost time.

I see you baby...

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