So Here It Is

OK, as fair warning, this post is likely to offend people if they take it that way. But I'm still really hacked off, I WILL swear and bitch. I'm *not* going to apologise though.

Sunday - with Jo sick as a dog and the kids snotty as hell, I've been running everything which includes the shopping and what not. Sunday, I dump Jaysen in front of the telly, strap Tam into the buggy and head into town. Shopping is done and dusted in true Dan Style: In, Out, no browsing, getting everything on the list, go home. So I am outside sorting my shopping bags out when I clock what was either a Mormon or a Jehova Witness. I can usually spot them a mile off - white shirt, black shoes+trousers, black backpack. Normally, they either knock on the door - when I polietly tell them there is nothing they can say of interest to me and close the door - or they get me in the street, when I keep walking with a "thanks but no thanks" shake of the head.

But here I was with unpacked shopping on the buggy, trying to tidy it up for the journey home, and he comes up to me. "Can you spare a few moments to discuss our beliefs with me?" Sorry - I'm not the person to talk to, I'm not interested. But he insisted. "I will only take a few minutes, and it is Sunday." I smiled, shook my head and said no thanks. But obviously, he wasn't getting the hint. "Would you care to share your beliefs on God with me?"

Now, don't get me wrong, he was friendly enough, but didn't want to take the hint, so I figured why not just tell him your beliefs Dan. So I told him. "There is no God. I don't believe in any such thing. Heaven, angels, hell - whatever, but no God - not by Mans rules, anyway". I don't know if I rattled him, but he STILL didn't take the hint. "They are very strong views - can you explain why you do not belive in the Lord." I did one of those *snorts* and shook my head. Fine. "Well I've never been religious, but after the last few years, there simply cannot be a god. Parts of my back are missing, I lost my daughter last year, my grandfather the year before that, the step father the year before that, Jo's grandfather a couple of years before that, and this week, her grandmother passed away. If this is part of some great plan, then God is a spiteful child." OK - you can probably tell I am getting a bit grouchy at this point.

If you read this blog, then you prolly know me via mailing lists, and as such know that Religion has no part of my life. None. I can handle others going on about their religion, but everyone that knows me knows not to press it down my throat. THAT'S when I start getting shitty. You believe, fine. But I don't - don't try to change my mind.

Anyway - this chap raised his eyebrows and shook his head. "Well, these things are all part of a greater plan." he said. NOW I am getting rattled, and my voice is getting a tad louder. I didn't want to be here, I didn't want to be discussing my beliefs - or lack thereof - with a stranger that clearly thought he'd convert me here and now while I pack minced beef. "Greater plan." I'm louder - people are now looking around. "So your 'god' decided to kill my daughter when she was four years old, after making her suffer for four weeks in hospital. He decided I needed a bit more drama in life, and took her away from us?" As I am 'talking' I realise I am now shouting.

And then it started going south.

"Don't you think it might be more than God that killed your daughter?" he asked me. Now, I'm thinking this is where he plays the Devil card. The red-horned chap decided to do it. Whatever. "I don't believe in God -" I tell him "- why the heck would I believe in the Devil." He shook his head and pointed at me. HE had the audacity to point at ME. "Perhaps it was your lack of faith. By not attending church, by not praying, by not having faith." And then the bombshell to get his point across. "Perhaps you are responsible for your daughters death."

That was it. How the fuck can ANYONE say that? Seriously? Because I don't go to church, Bethany dies. I don't get angry often, I don't like to make a scene, but... I glared at him, stood up straight and looked down on the weedy little shit. "You. Fucking. What." NOW I am yelling. Now I have a ring of people around me staring. Now I am really really angry. "YOU are telling me that because I don't go to church, your God kills my baby?!" People are stopped around us, and I can hear my voice echoing from the ceiling above me. "Your fucking god is THAT pathetic and spiteful, that he decides to kill MY daughter because I don't attend his church?" I'm no longer watching what I say, no longer holding my tongue. I've got fists going on, and Tam is staring at me. I think the little moron in front of me realises he might have made a misstep. Bear in mind, I'm several inches over six feet tall, overweight but big, and he's about five foot nothing and built like a beanpole. And I am yelling and looming over him. But you know what - fuck it - I'm not letting him talk now.

"I have to attend your bloody church, have to follow your rules - written by man - or else? God is childish enough to give us the ultimatium of Go to church or I kill your family. What the fuck? Go to church or I punish you. What. The. Fuck."

At this moment, I notice them. The two Eastgate Security Guards heading through the crowd. A very large bald chap, and a small woman. Heading my way. Great. The large chap pushes through the crowd and steps between us and asks what the problem is, and I just shake my head and finish sorting my bags. "This guy is ramming his beliefs down my throat and pushed the wrong buttons." The woman takes the chap away while the big guy tells me to calm down. Granted, I am shaking with anger, probably red as hell, and looking like I want blood. "Sir, I need to escort you from the premesis." I just nod and he steps in the directions of the doors I don't need. "I'm going that way" I tell him, pointing in the opposite direction. "No Sir, this way." Ugh - this place has so many exits, if I went the way he wanted, I'd have to wander quarter of an hour around town. My doors put me virtually on the bottom of the street. "No, I need to go out that way, through the car park." He nods and walks beside me, pushing through the crowd. Looking back, I see the female guard talking to some people, the little worm, and the girl behind the counter who I assume pressed a button - not thirty seconds before the worm turned up, I was chatting to her about Sunday Trading.

On my way out through the car park, the guard asks me what happened, and I tell him, explaining what this prick said to me, and what's happened since last year. He nodded, but didn't say anything, and escorted me out Eastgate, through the massive carpark, and to the underpass near home. He didn't make any comment about what had happened, didn't tell me not to come back, and didn't take down any details. I phoned Jo, reared off about it to her, got home, and like a true man, I sobbed. I cried like a baby. I was angry and I was upset. Not that this guy blamed me - I know that everything that fell out of his mouth was 99.9% bullshit. It's the fact that he dared to accuse me. He doesn't know me, and if that is how people spread religion, well damn, you can keep it.

I know lots of people of lots of different religions - you should know I am NOT having a pop at you directly nor your beliefs. I don't believe - I never have - in anything like that. When things went to shit when Bethy was in hospital I tried prayer. I prayed to anyone or anything that would listen. And Bethy died. So bollocks to religion.

I'm likely to be quiet for a while here and by mail.

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5 Responses to “So Here It Is”

Anonymous said...

First of all, I'm not a person that gets angry easily. You'd have to do something really mean just to make me frown. This read got me mad as hell.

Second of all, I consider myself religious, but all religions out there feel like premade templates. I'd never be willing to accept someone else's beliefs that easily. All religions ARE written my man, thats a fact. In my opinion, people that choose to follow a religion, embracing everything in it, haven't really taken time to think things through. For example, a person that interprets the Bible word for word, exactly as it says gives me the creeps. It's been written by I don't know how many people, over a period of little over 2000 years, including the old testament. How is it possible to not suspect that some of the writing is incorrect or was misinterpreted as it was compiled into one piece? Yeah, those people scare me.

You were right to yell at him. You could even have punched him in the face and still walk away with a clean conscience. It was freakin' harassment. If someone says "lolz god is ghey" that could easily be taken as agitation against a religious group (not sure about that expression), but what of those that are atheists? In my opinion, forcing religion on those that don't want it, is just as bad as trash-talking a religious person's religion.

To top it the bastard had the guts to blame you for your daughter's death. For his own sake I hope he some day snaps out of that brainwashed state he's seemed to be in.

Just a few thoughts. If you wanna discuss or anything you can reach me at simonwessel(at)yahoo(dot)se.


Simon Karlsson (Ahlsby at TSOL forum)

Anonymous said...

Hi Dan,

Fair warning: this contains my views on religion (but is not a sermon!)

The guy you met said very harmful and wrong things, which I hate when they are said in the name of God.

In the last two years my wife almost lost the sight in one eye, my mother-in-law died of cancer, my own mother died of cancer, my already physically and mentally handicapped sister was diagnosed with probably fatal kidney problems, my wife had a miscarriage. Incredibly crap time, something I know you are familiar with too.

Despite all the crap over the last few years I can still say that I am a believer in Jesus, the man who said, when asked whether someone was ill because of their sin, "absolutely not". I'm a believer in the God who got off his throne to live amongst the dirt and pain of this world. I'm a believer in a religion that is not about what WE DO, but in what GOD has DONE; that's not about keeping rules to make the grade, but about forgiveness and mercy and grace. These are life-giving attributes, I can attest to.

I say this not to try to convert you but to ask you to disassociate the man and his distorted message from what might actually be the case, and to encourage you that crap things in life don't mean any God is by necessity vindictive.

Yours, acutely aware of the weakness of words,


Anonymous said...

Dan I am sat here in tears with anger at this pricks behaviour. How dare he, who the feck does he think he is.

Nobody could have loved their daughter more than you and Jo did, and still do.

The man is talking bollocks, which you already know . How would he explain my sons death ?? I was a regular church goer until then.

Hes no christian, be it mormon, JW or whatever, hes a freaking moron who needs his head ripping off. Should be locked up in fact cos his doctrine does not sound like any religion I have ever heard of

Yours very angry on your behalf of Wilts

( who is also sending huge hugs for you all xx)

Anonymous said...

OH Dan,

What a complete and utter Arse, I dont believe either never have never will do, I am not surprised you reacted like you did, you told him no and he pushed and pushed, I just hate people like that too.. I too would have broken down just by the fact my son had to have heart surgery, I have not lost a daughter through it..
And Dan in my book you did the right thin too, but the trouble is they just carry on and on and on..

sending you hugs Dan..


Adullamite said...

Sorry to hear of your troubles. I understand how you feel. My sister died last year, and I don't know why. I know the cause, but not why! No theology can explain such deaths, but the Jesus I know cries with you. He did that on this earth and does it now for you. He is tough, but loving, not callous, for your sake! As I think you are with your family. You cried. I see that as a sign of your care, and makes you more of a man! And a good man at that I say!