Hell Here I Come

Today is my grandfathers funeral. I've had about... three hours of sleep? Ish. Shall I go, can I face it, etc etc. And I can't. The dread in my gut at seeing Bethy's little pink beacon in a sea of black and white stones cuts me to the quick. It's all that has been on my mind for the last few days and I hate myself for it.

I've decided I WILL be going up there in the next week or so. I need to start going up there and get my head around it, but when we had Nans funeral month-before-last, I felt so sick at the prospect I wasnt even funny. All the family crowding around me thanking me for going and commenting on Bethy's garden didn't help matters, so I think I will be going to the cemetary on my own a few times before I can handle it with other people.

I've spoken with my dad about it and everyone understand. I feel pretty stupid to be honest. I just hope that everyone DOES understand, and it's not just one of those comments to make me feel less guilty.

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5 Responses to “Hell Here I Come”

Minge said...

Don't worry about it.

You're doing the right thing and people will understand.

Debbie said...

HI Dan

Sod what other people think, I so know you are doing the right thing, I do have a gut feeling that had Gamma had gone then you may have done so, thats called brotherly/sisterly love as it is Gemma nor you are going and so what,, you will never end up in Hell, your too Good for that.

jenny said...

Oh, Dan, don't feel stupid for that. I am sure people do understand (as much as they can, you know....it is a private and seperate thing for you and Jo because Bethy is yours..), and ignore those who don't understand.

Or, send them to Nebraska to be a bird, and I will take care of it for you. ;)

Hugs to you at this hard time...

Minge said...

How do you feel now the day is over?

joansy said...

Hi Dan,
I've been thinking about you today. I hope you're doing ok.
Hang in there :)