On 5am, Meowing and Burglars

Once again, my eyes fluttered open at the crack of dawn. The exception this time wasn't "dammit I'm awake" but "I want that F***ing cat to shut up!!". Dipstick - one of our cats - is a tit. At night, we close all the downstairs windows, and leave a couple of the mid-floor windows open. Dipstick and his brother Cosmo come in at night, eat their food then piss-off out the window. The walk along the window ledge, drop down onto the extension roof next door, down onto the fence, and are away.

Go team kitty.

Except, NEITHER cat has the brain capacity of a squished frog. At 3.30am, Jo stumbled downstairs to let Dip in as he was out the front *meow-meow-meow*ing. He's got one of these pansy-meows that he does exactly every two-and-a-half seconds. I KNOW, I TIMED IT.

Just before 5am, his meowing woke me up. Yes, despite being let in, he did the window-roof-fence-away trick and was playing outside. I laid there willing the little turd to go play outside someone elses house. I even considered getting my bottle of water and pouring it out the window, until I heard Jo mutter something about having let him in once already. So I clambered out of bed, stumbled down stairs - closing the bathroom and toilet windows on the way through - down the next flight, and opened the front door. Where the little shit sat just looking at me.

"Get your arse in here now cat."

Well, he did, tail in the air in a bit "Up Yours". I shut the front door, and decided to deal with my screaming bladder. Back up stairs, into the loo, mid-stream... "Meow... Meow... Meow"

Finish peeing, go BACK downstairs, but to the BACK door this time. Open it up, and there is Cosmo looking pleased as punch. I swear, and stomp back up one flight, back up the next flight, and into bed. It's only 5.05am, and I close my eyes, take a deep breath, and relax knowing neither of the bastards can escape.

I was just comfortable, just warm enough, Jo was laying on my shoulder when I heard it. Footsteps I couldn't place. My eyes popped open and I was awake, listening intently. "Thump.. thump thump." Shit shit shit. I sit up and listen closer, placing all the club-like items in my minds eye. "Thump thump thump thump"

So I am thinking, "This is it, time to fight for your life, your family and your posessions. Don't kill em, just knock em down." Yeah, well scary - a fat wobbler, in his boxers, armed with a table leg. Fear me indeed.

I creep out of bed and reach for the leg and I hear it again. "Thump thump thump thump CAW!"

Hang on a second... Caw?

"Thump thump thump" comes the sound again, but this time, I hear it's source. Above me. That is, on the flat roof above me. "CAW CAW!" says the crow, doing whatever it is crows do at 5am on flat rooves. So now, I'm a fat wobbler in my boxers, armed with a table leg, stalking a crow.

Bloody great.

So now, balls to it, I'm awake. And still in my boxers, though I am now unarmed.

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2 Responses to “On 5am, Meowing and Burglars”

Mark said...

Do you want my cat flap, slightly used, no squeaks and the lock works great too!

That's why I love cats they have this arrogance about them, that look as if butter wouldn't melt, and the tail well I'm with you there.

You just know they are smiling thinking got em again. Bet they work in pairs, two of em plotting their next move!

Dan said...

These cats are shits, pure and simple - brothers to boot. Thanks for the offer of the flap, but the problem is two-fold. Cosmo is a "back" cat, Dipshit is a "front" cat, and never the twain shall meet, as it were. On top of that, the front and back doors are double glazed - I suck at DIY at the best of times!