When "Oops" Is Not Enough

It was inevitable that eventually, getting up at the butt-crack of dawm every day would take it's toll on me. It's bad enough that I nodded off at my desk while reading, but today, I have the reaction time of a rooster without a head. After being roasted and served with stuffing.

In the space of about 8 minutes, I destroyed the world. How I am not dead is pretty much a mystery to me, but still, what doesn't kill you...

I poodle downstairs as I do at about 4.30 this morning. Take my morning pee, despite the fact my last pee was only about 4 hours previous. See, pee-stories. Does this blog get any classier? Walking along the landing, I catch the little toe on my right foot on the bannisters. Arsey bugger ouch. Opening the baby gate, I take my first step out onto the stairs, and place my injured foot upon The Devil Cat From Hell, who's reaction is to scream like I'm murdering her and bite my leg. She speeds off into the darkness, while I slip down three stairs. Crash-Thump-Bang. I stay where I am for a second, partially convince I am actually still asleep.

I'm not.

So enter Dan into the kitchen, fumbling for the light switch on the wall, above the kitchen surface. Not sure how, but I manage to catch my arm on a milk bottle, which hits the side, rolls around, off the edge, smash. So, remaining motionless in my boxers and nothing on my feet, I stretch across to the broom and start a-sweeping. Once the glass is in a nice pile, I lean the broom against the work surface.

Where I knock down another bottle. And another smash. I just stare at it. Look to my toe with looks sore, look to the bite on my leg, rub my lower back which is hurting from sliding down the stairs, and look to the original smashed bottle.

Fuck it.

Broom is retrieved and sweeping is resumed, the little pile of glass now looking bigger and more impressive. Leaning the broom against the door (cunning eh!) I go to where the dustpan is. And feel the glass stab into my left heel. Fuck fuck. Sod it, I have feet like a Hobbit so I leave it be for the moment, get the dustpan, kneel down to sweep - and feel the glass go into my left knee.

Now, obviously, I am getting a wee bit pissed off. Granted, my sweeping skills in the early hours of the morning, after very little sleep, are clearly not what they should be, but none the less, I swear, sigh, sweep, and set to removing the glass from my knee. Get it out, walk across the room, and forget about the bit in my foot, which stabs in deeper. So I remove that little bastard as well.

Coffee Time. I retrieve the kettle, open it, wash it out a few times (because I am a freak), replace the lid, and fill it through the spout. Except I misjudge when I turn on the tap, and shower myself with ice-cold water. So now I am wearing just boxers, bleeding from the foot, knee and leg, nursing a sore toe, cursing my back, AND now I'm covered in cold water. This wants to be the best bloody cup of coffee ever.

So I wait for the kettle to boil, put the coffee and sugar in my cup, get the milk out the fridge and once the kettle is done, make a coffee. I add the milk, miss the mug, and pour it all over the side. I wipe it up and try again.

One coffee. Made, hot, caffeine-filled. Let's roll. Reach out, take mug, misjudge, push mug over. Tip-Pour-Splash-Burnt-Tummy/Leg.

NOW I am getting really pissed off. Re-rinse kettle (still a freak), reboil, mop up, make coffee, add milk, get coffee, get upstairs, walk into computer room. Home free.

Then I step on the upturned hairbrush lurking in the dark, waiting for my bare feet. Stagger, spill hot coffee on my hand, on the desk - narrowly missing my freshly showered keyboard. Clean it up, sit down, open email.

Computer crashes.

Ever get the feeling, just the slightest inkling, that you should have either stayed in bed, or been drowned at birth? Because I am dreading moving from this chair again today. Next time someone calls at the house offering accident insurance, I might take it - I'd be a millionaire.

6pm Edit: The laws of gravity are still off-balance in Chez 0ddness. After chatting on MSN/Yahoo this afternoon, I went down to help Jo with dinner, tripped on a shoe on the stairs, and slid down the SAME three that I hit this morning. Jo was laughing hysterically caring and compassionate to my plight. Of course, as I got up, I leaned too far to one side, and smacked my head on the bannisters, where I can now add "Big Bump" to the list of injuries sustained in less than 12 hours. The list so far:

- Smacked toe
- Cat-Induced slashes to leg
- Fall down three stairs smacking ass and back
- Smashed milkbottle
- Smashed second milkbottle
- Glass in foot
- Glass in knee
- Cold-Water splashing
- Milk poured on kitchen counter
- Coffee poured on kitchen counter
- Hot-Coffee splashing to belly/leg
- Hairbrush to the foot
- Hot-Coffee burn to the hand
- Crashed computer
- Tripped on shoe/fall down stairs smacking ass and back
- Clunk head on bannisters
All in all, I should have NEVER gotten out of bed!

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17 Responses to “When "Oops" Is Not Enough”

Emma said...

I'm sorry honey but there must be a very evil side to me cos I giggled the whole way through that!

Anonymous said...

You and me both honey, I kept looking over to Dan, laughing, looking back to Dan, noticing the swollen toe, cuts and scrapes, then laughing again..

DriedPapercutsAndChickens said...

Saddly Dan, that sounds like a morning I could have....
My foot found a piece of glass a few years ago that I had to have removed and stitched.....the 0ddest part was this was on the TOP of my foot

Nancy Jensen said...

Only you, Dan, only you. I told you there isn't an accident that you haven't been involved in. (on Jennyhaha's blog last night in fact) I just didn't think you would take it as a challenge.

Terri@SteelMagnolia said...

Oh my!!!!!!!!

debbie said...

Just the same as Emma here, whilst feeling really sorry for you Dan, I just cant stop laughing PMSL

Dan said...

Emma - Yeah thanks darlin, I am sure to be equally sympathetic next time you overdose of fruit or insult Jo is some horrible way.

Jo - :p

Karin - even I am not THAT much of a klutz!!

Nancy - Yes yes, I am a spanner :D I even replied to you on there as well!

Deb - You get such a big thanks for the sympathy as well!

Terri@SteelMagnolia said...

What is PMSL?

I need a list of all the acronyms...
but not PMSL...

Anonymous said...

peeing myself laughing

I'm not, i'm just telling you what pmsl means hehe

Dan said...

Peeing? Since when were you polite dear? It's PISSING, not peeing.

Emma said...

I have NEVER insulted Jo! - that is the way your evil mind takes innocent comments I make!


Em's way said...

Sorry Dan but am roflnttcttl !! ( go work that one out :P )

Dan said...

Emma - the one I will always remember was the MSN conversation when I was talking about dogs, and you came out with the classic "So how IS Jo anyway?"

Other Emma - it's 5am, I'm doing NOTHIN'

The Special Zipper said...

That is one mighty find effort. Unfortunately I have to side with the others that I laughed, then a bit more, and then built to a cresendo (well something like that).

I know it was quiet as it was sort of middle of the night still, but we have vacuum cleaners here in Australia that do the job quite efficiently. Brooms went out when us convicts escaped.

Emma said...

You are soooooo taking that conversation out of context - I never asked about Jo after the dog thing. I was prolly finished talking and onto the next subject.

Jo, ignore him!

Dan said...

Tim - See current post to explain lack of vacuum downstairs!

Emma - I still have the screenshots to prove what you said, you evil evil cow! Jo was devastated.

Emma said...

I am now rising above it