Fence

If you never got the original memo, my childhood was a cross between a horror/slasher movie, a slapstick comedy, and a drama that kept people on the edge of their seats. I was a "bit of a monster" to put it mildly, and I am fairly sure responsible for 90% of my old mums grey hair.

Gemma is to blame for the other 10%, and that was just from her clothing choices.

But I digress.

One of my misadventures was, aptly, on an "Adventure Weekend" with the school. At least, it should have been with the school. The uptake, to put it mildly, was not that brisk, and it turned out that only thirty of us decided to go along. Twenty five girls, five guys; Me, plus two complete arseheads I never really liked, one person I could take or leave, and the fifth wasn't too bad. The two arseheads were actually bullies, one of which always set his sights directly upon me most days.

I nearly cancelled and didn't go - for one, I wasn't as manly with the girls as I am now *cough*, and two, well, HE was there. I spoke to my form teacher, and she said that as it's a school thing, he'd be governed by school rules, a teacher would be there, yada yada yada.

So, off we trotted to the literal Middle of Nowhere. We left the motorway and cruised into the back of beyond, and past that point into the wilds of southern England. We were confronted with a series of cabins, assault course, archery range - the girls looked in dismay at the damp soggy grass, while the boys, well, we didn't care. Arrows, Adventure, and a series of trees that looked to hide something... Magical.

We were assigned our beds and our rooms - which involved the girls spreading out their number between the 50 beds, and us five lads choosing a series of beds we'd rotate. No need for changing the sheets! We literally dumped our packs off, and went out to explore. The first thing we found was a pool that appeared to be full of leaves. Until I lobbed in a rock.

"Kersploosh" said the rock as it broke through the leaves into the murky depths of gross water beneath the leaves.

"Ooooh" said the gathering of lads.

Asshat #1 decided to "be a man" and went to the shallow end. It just said "Shallow End" but gave no indication of what "shallow" was. Shallow to a toddler? To a man? A giant? So, putting safety first, he jumped off the edge, both feet first. Turns out shallow in this case was about three feet deep. Add a splash to this, water motion and his own natural inertia, he was soaked to the armpits.

How I didn't laugh aloud at this clearly blatant display of being clever I will never know, but Asshat #2 helped him out, as did another of the guys. Asshat #1 was soaked, Asshat #2 was very damp, and the rest of us were splashed. Bear that in mind. But, we were well-tough lads. No need to change in the chilly late-october evening.

Next, we checked out the assualt course. "Don't you start on that yet lads" called one of the site owners. We had no intention of getting on the rickety wood over soggy water and foot-deep mud. Not yet, anyway. Doing the age-old man trick of "nudge it with your boot" we tested the starting item. It wobbled and swayed alarmingly. We decided that'd be a "ladies first" kinda thing.

The archery range was out of bounds in case... er.. in case someone didn't see us and start shooting, I imagine. Of course, some yellow "Keep Out" signs were no use against us, and we examined the archery targets, planning who was "going to shoot the sh!t" out of each one.

While exploring, we also found the canoe "pool" which was a canoe in the middle of what appeared to be a swamp. A very smelly swamp. We found the climbing wall - which made us puff up in teenage bravado. "No sweat" and "Piece of Piss" were terms uttered around us.

Then we came across the trees which hid the treasure known as "A Flock of Sheep". Now me, I've come across sheepies before, been butted a few times, but generally, they don't bother me. The other lads were, shall we say, a bit nervous. Here in Sunny Basildon, the largest mammals you'd come across were the drunken louts staggering out of pubs being sick in the gutter. You'd point and laugh, but they couldn't walk properly, belched at you, then carried on vomiting somewhere else.

So, me straight away leaps over the fence, noticing just in time the warning sign covered in moss.

"Danger! Electric Fence! Keep Out!"

Now, why sheep needed a barrier of electricity to keep them in one place I have NO idea, but sure enough, there was a warning sign. The residents of the field looked at me, and asked me in no uncertain terms "Bleeeeet?" I ignored them. I knew what was coming.

Me, in a field, with a couple of sheeps examining me, and two of the other four lads being assholes, they didn't want to be outdone, and both moved for the fence at the same time. Asshat #2 gripped the fence (with his soaked hands and arms!) and let out a cry of "Alleeey-Arrrrrrggghhhhhhhh Ffffffffffuuuuuuuu---" before ripping himself backwards off the charge. Asshat #1, however, he that made my life filled with hell, he opted to step over the fence.

Just as Asshat #2 released the fence.

"Twaaaang!" said the fence as he pulled free from it.
"Thunk-Splat!" continued the fence, stopping only when it's electricity-filled goodness made contact with his soaking wet crotch.

He screamed. Like a girl. A blood-curdling "AAAAIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" that echo'd around the wilderness. The sheep ran. A cry went up from the huts of "Wassat?!" and all they could do was follow the sound of two mid-teen lads crying and sobbing, accompanied by three mid-teen lads laughing so hard we nearly pissed.

I *think* Asshat #1 literally fell off the fence. I think that's how he fell into the pile of nettles and brambles. He was crying, a small whimpering sound that seemed several octaves too high. When "help" arrived, Asshat #1 was sobbing, before rolling onto his knees and letting out a blood-curdling "BLEEEEEEEERRRRRGGHHHHHHH! as he vomited like a champ into the undergrowth and passing out, face first into his own pile of stomach insides.

And nettles. He was covered in vomit. And cuts. And nettle stings. His hair was literally sticking up on end. Asshat #2 was in nettles and brambles, and had a pretty interesting hand-burn. We helped carry both the idiots back to the camp, had a doctor come out, who decided to take them to hospital for observation.

Best weekend away of my life.

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3 Responses to “Fence”

g-man said...

That, my friend, is one of the best stories I have heard in a really long time. I had a tear down my cheek I was laughing so hard. Best weekend away indeed!

Em's way said...

OMG I need the tenalady pmsl hahahahaha, now thats what is called Karma in action hehehe

Me said...

Crotch burn! Haha.

Funny, we were just learning in Health yesterday about how electrical burns not only leave an entry burn, but an exit burn (like the hand burn you said he had).