Bad Daddy!

It's a common misconception about me, that I am in fact a good father. People often say to me "Awww you're so good to your kids" and I smile and nod, and make threatening "Shut The Hell Up!" looks at the kids. The fact of the matter is, I am a bad bad person, and likely, will burn downstairs for the things I've done.

Those of you that have been on the end of my sarcasm or "humour" will be pleased to know, I am an Equal Opportunities Bastard. Just because I take the piss out of you, does not mean my kids are immune. In fact, you have to bear in mind, they are here 24/7. They probably get it more than those of you that get ridiculed every few days.

When Jaysen was born, I became a Daddy for the first time, and, as he grew, and became a little more sturdy, the fun increased. Take a child that is learning to sit, surround them with pillows, hold tight and take bets which direction he'll fall. When his neck is strong, take two grown men, one armed with a baby, one armed with a soft ball. Baby Baseball was a big hit, and even when he was a toddler, if there were people over, he'd bring the ball over and want up in order to play.

Even Bethy was subjected to my harassment. With her insides all screwy, it wasn't quite so viable to play the physical games with her, but I used to offer ice cream and nice things to "Everyone with a spleen can have some!". Of course, Bethy was born without her spleen! Even in hospital - and probably some sort of defense mechanism to stop us wallowing - we used to laugh at some of the things she had done... When she was very ickle, they could not, for love nor money, get a line into her arms or legs - so they used a big one on her head. To protect it from Wandering Baby Hands, they taped a galley pot over the top which, for all intents and purposes, looks like a yoghurt pot. And Voila! The Fruit Corner for Cannibals was created/

Obviously, even now with Tam, she gets it too. She's not a fan of bugs or creepy crawlies, so guess what Daddy chases her with. She likes to be "shocked" with a BOO! so I do that fairly often. Probably too often. She's also been a member of Baby Baseball and Which Way Will It Fall. Of course, thanks to our shopping centre (Mall, for you Yankies) being made with marble flooring, Baby Curling was also a big laugh. Put the hood up on her coat, grip her by the front, and see just how far you can slide her. She was a pro at 18 months of age.

And so it continues, physical humour, dead arm/dead leg tricks, shocks, surprises... And this morning, I added a new (and, I add, unintentional) feather to my cap. I slept through three alarm clocks, five phone calls, a half-dozen text messages - and made Jaysen miss half a day of school.

Oops. Still, it's only the second time he's ever been late for school.

I'm not going to count the number of times I've forgotten to collect him...

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9 Responses to “Bad Daddy!”

Posh Totty said...

I wouldnt call you a bad father, Id just say you were human ;o)

Dan said...

Don't you tar me with that brush ;)

shiny demon said...

Did you ever teach kids to do rude things?
My niece could stick two fingers up at people after just six months.
My brother still thinks I'm a bad influence on her.

Little Nut Tree said...

that made me chuckle.. the bit at the end... you do indeed sound very similar to us lot here...

which way will it fall was a firm favourite here for both girls... I particularly like 'will they still try to walk downstairs forwards after they've fallen down the stairs the first time' one but I think I have to stop talking about that one in public for fear of being arrested for abuse of some sort lol :)

Em's way said...

pmsl, wish we could try baby curling here, but with the muppets round here I would be reported for child abuse!

The Sween! said...

I've gotta try all these on the little fella when he gets a bit older! Cheers for the ideas!

Phoenix said...

Darling you are not a bad father at all far from it. You are an important part of their lives and they will always have fond memories of you. How many fathers can actually say that?

Baby curling sounds like a fab idea must try that wiv tam sometime. Altho she seems to love being swung by her legs too. Your kids are hardy and strong and I love them to bits.

g-man said...

You say curling, I say bowling! Loads of fun. That and (using the same slippery coat) hook their knee with your hand and spin them about till they are dizzy then send them off to find their mother.

Helen said...

Jaysen has only been late for school twice??????????!!!!

My god I think Megan is that each week!! lol