The Most Beautiful Angel

Today marks the anniversary of Bethany leaving us once again. I woke up, and my mind started straight away, remembering the sights, sounds and smells of this very day, back in 2005. And that's how it started, being woken by a nurse with that look on her face. From 7am that day, till 12.21pm, it was constant hell.

The ghosts of that day - of that week - still surround me and on some days torment me. I can remember the most mundane of details, things you wouldn't give a second thought on most days. Even today, when my mind is wandering off on its own, it invariably ends up in the ward, the room, picking out one details that will send me reeling back..

Even today, I have no outward blame on the team at Guys. Nothing they did, at any stage, gave me cause for concern regarding Bethanys safety. And even when they knew - and they had to know - that the end was coming regardless, they still pushed the other departments for tests and results and everything else to make sure they covered every single option.

I don't think they did it for us, well, not mostly, anyway. They did it for Bethy because like everyone that met her, they loved her. She charmed everyone. Even people that never met her, those that lived overseas and knew of her, she was universally loved. It was just her way. Laying in ICU, drugged and sedated to the point she shouldn't be awake, she would answer questions with a nod or a shake of her head.

Back then, I had a goatee on my face. I used to torment Bethy by rubbing it on her tummy, and when we were in hospital, I would rub one of her tiny hands over it asking if she wanted me to tickle her tummy with it. When things looked bleak I even told her I would shave it off, just for her, and did so that week. "See baby, it's gone now... Can you feel it?" and I'd rub her hand over my smooth skin, and she would smile.

I've never grown it back. She hated it too much.

I wish I had more time with her. More time to see her grow, to do everything she wanted to do. I wish more people had met her, those that never knew her, and those that only knew through photos and words. I wish I could have protected her from everything she went through, taken her pain and held it as my own. I wish I could have done something, anything, to save her.

So much reminds me of her on a daily basis - some days I can smile, other days I cry.

To my beautiful little Bethy,
I can't believe it's been three years already. Three years of missing you every single day. I know that where ever you are, you are having so much fun, looking after all the other little angels, playing, laughing, dancing and singing, but I miss you so much.

I can't change the past, I wish so hard some days that it was all just a bad dream, and you will come downstairs with your hair all frizzy, your eyes all sleepy, just to climb on my lap and be with me. I wish I had had minutes more with you, just to talk more, be with you more and hold you.

Since that day, I've not cut my hair for you. Only a couple of people know that, but I've not cut it, simply because. But the beard has never come back, and even when there is a few days of stubble I have to remove it, just for you. I swear you've told your little sister about it too, because she comes up to me and rubs my face in the same way you did, wrinkling her nose. She doesn't say anything, but she doesn't have to.

I just wish I had more time with you beautiful. Five more minutes.

I will be with you again one day my little fairy, but not today, and not soon. I have to look after everyone here first. But I will hold you in my arms again, one day.

But not today.

Missing you so much, with all my heart,
Daddy
x












Strangely, I woke up with this song in my head today, and while it's not one of Bethy's songs, it always reminds us of her...


I've been here before a few times
And I'm quite aware we're dying
And your hands they shake with goodbyes
And I'll take you back if you'd have me
So here I am I'm trying
So here I am are you ready

Come on let me hold you touch you feel you
Always
Kiss you taste you all night
Always

And I'll miss your laugh your smile
I'll admit I'm wrong if you'd tell me
I'm so sick of fights I hate them
Lets start this again for real

So here I am I'm trying
So here I am are you ready
So here I am I'm trying
So here I am are you ready

Come on let me hold you touch you feel you
Always
Kiss you taste you all night
Always
Come on let me hold you touch you feel you
Always
Kiss you taste you all night
Always

I've been here before a few times
And I'm quite aware we're dying

Come on let me hold you touch you feel you
Always
Kiss you taste you all night
Always
Come on let me hold you touch you feel you
Always
Kiss you taste you all night
Always
Always
Always

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15 Responses to “The Most Beautiful Angel”

Phoenix said...

Thinking of you all on this day of days. Reading your words has made me wish we had got back in touch sooner so I could have met this special little princess. Love you all and always here for you. Hugs and kisses xxxxxxx

Nancy said...

My thoughts are with you and Jo on this very difficult day. I remember calling you and knowing what was coming. You said, "No parent should have to bury a child" and I agree.

I wish I could take YOUR pain away but I can't... and I shouldn't. Your pain is equal to the love that you have for you child. I say HAVE because you will always love her and she will always be your Little Moo.

Thank you for the pictures. I have always loved the pictures you have been so willing to share. The pictures that you took with your camera and the pictures that you painted with your words. Thank you for sharing your precious angel.

Emma said...

Have now deleted and re-written something on here several times this morning already but even 3 years later I can't find any words that fit.

Beautiful photos and memories of Bethy - thankyou for making me cry first thing in the morning! :)

Remembering your gorgeous angel
xxx

The Life of a Paed Heart Transplant Recipient said...

Thinking of you all on this day. I have no words of wisdom, but just wanted you all to know that we are thinking of you.

Em's way said...

Words just don't cut it today. Three years, doesn't feel like three years. Like others, can remember each moment of that day, can remember word for word the message that broke the terrible news to the heart groups.

Bethy, bought a whole new meaning to the word Love. She united a world, bought people together across thousands of miles, and yes everyone loved her. How could anyone not love her. Her spirit shone out of her, in photos, in her daily doings, even in a photo you could see that spirit.

Thank you Bethany for being you, thank you for bringing so much joy and love to so many lives.

To say ' Gone but never forgotten' sounds so cliched, but it is the truth. Nobody who ever knew Bethany, even if it was only through the medium of the internet, could ever ever forget her. She was and always will be an extra special Angel.

Love to you all today Dan, Jo, Jaysen and Tamsyn, and to your extended family.

Lit a candle for you this morning angel, and at 12.21 we are letting a balloon go for you. Hope you catch it, up there in the Angels playground.

debbie said...

What a wonderful tribute to a beautiful Angel, My heart is with you all today to Dan, Jo, Jaysen and Tam, wish things were different too,,

Love Debbie

Matt said...

Thanks for sharing Dan, my thoughts are with you and youre family.

jenny said...

Dan, my thoughts and prayers are with all of you today. Hugs and love to all of you,
Jenny

p.s. I do wish I could think of something better to say, but this is such a difficult day for you all...I just don't know what else to say. Know I am thinking of you, ok?

Laney said...

I've been thinking of you all today. What can I say, she's a beautiful girl, and I know she is greatly missed.

(((hugs)))

g-man said...

A lovely tribute. You and Jo give each other your strength. I hope you remember Bethy as a family today and find some joy in the sharing.

Be well my friend.

Melissa said...

Dan, not sure if a message from a total stranger will help you get through a day like today, but my thoughts are with you and your family. Bethany is the luckiest little girl to have a family to love her as much as you do.

xx
Melissa

Burg said...

Oh Dan, I'm so very sorry for you and your family.. My heart breaks for you..

My thoughts and prayers are with you..


BTW, here's my new link.
http://burgscrazyblog.blogspot.com/

Deni said...

Dan and family,you are in my thoughts and prayers.Deni

Me said...

Hugs to you and your family.

There's more I can/might say but that's another post entirely.

Little Nut Tree said...

:(

x