Love

People are so nice, offering words of wisdom, support and anything else I might need.

Me and Jaysen got up this morning, sorted him out, sorted me out - showered, hair washed, a shave - and got sorted. Weather was crap and we got soaked. People are offering me that "I Don't Know What To Say" smile, and others are offering words of support.

I come home and pack some more clothes for Jo. I've been doing laundry like a fiend and she has plenty again. Cel ran them around to her.

Backtracking a bit; I was on the phone to Jo from 5am this morning, just talking, doing the apologies and everything else. I held it together mostly, but still cried. She cried too which I hated because I feel indirectly to blame.

And people are being so nice, and so many are offering support and words of wisdom and some of them are killing me. So many people are shocked by the suddenness of it, they are asking if we're doing the right thing. I can't answer that. I wish I could. My answer would be no, we aren't, that I still love her and I wished that there was something inside her that loved me like she did, just something I can use to build on.

I came in from the school run, Cel took Jo's clothes, and Lane is popping in to grab some of her bits that Jo had borrowed. Then I am off to town with Ruth. I don't need anything, just to get out.

But I am pushing and fighting my way forwards, but don't feel like I am getting anywhere. It's been two and a half days and I miss her so much. She's made her decision and I hope it's the right one, but she says she doesn't love me that way. I can't do anything about that. I want to fight and kick and scream for everything we've had, everything we've got and everything that could have been, but I can't fight for something that doesn't exist, can I?

I'm bumping around the house, going from one thing to another, but not finishing any one job. I picked up the stuff in the lounge, but then took the crockery down, started washing up, then started folding laundry... I've been told to write a list of things that need doing - I know what I need to be doing, I just can't get around to doing it.

I want to shake Jo by the shoulders, shout at her to change her mind, to love me like she did, to make our family whole again. Everything broken can be fixed can't it? She says it's been like it for a long time, but says she stuck through it to see if she could make it better.

Jo, I know it won't make a difference, and I've told you a million times since I've been with you, I love you so much. You are the biggest part of my life, and with you gone, I miss you. God I miss you so much. I want to hold on to you like we used to, to go out and be silly, to just sit with one another. I wish we could work through all this, but your heart doesn't want that.

I'll always love you, and I know you know that. If there is something I can do to fix this, name it. If there is something I can change, I will change it. Just know I miss you and still love you with everything I have.

I love you.
Dan

I know I posted this song just a few weeks ago, but it is the only song in my head at the moment.

I've been here before a few times
And I'm quite aware we're dying
And your hands they shake with goodbyes
And I'll take you back if you'd have me
So here I am I'm trying
So here I am are you ready

Come on let me hold you touch you feel you
Always
Kiss you taste you all night
Always

And I'll miss your laugh your smile
I'll admit I'm wrong if you'd tell me
I'm so sick of fights I hate them
Lets start this again for real

So here I am I'm trying
So here I am are you ready
So here I am I'm trying
So here I am are you ready

Come on let me hold you touch you feel you
Always
Kiss you taste you all night
Always
Come on let me hold you touch you feel you
Always
Kiss you taste you all night
Always

I've been here before a few times
And I'm quite aware we're dying

Come on let me hold you touch you feel you
Always
Kiss you taste you all night
Always
Come on let me hold you touch you feel you
Always
Kiss you taste you all night
Always
Always
Always