A Toilet Day

"A Toilet Day" is another way of saying it's been a crap day. I've been dreading today for numerous reasons, but haven't told everyone what is going on - it's something I had to deal with, and as much as I tried to deal, I just stressed.

I had to have a medical.

My original plans were bust over the weekend, and I was on the verge of cancelling vs. having a complete mental breakdown and panic attack, but as it turns out, the last time I had an appointment I had to reschedule for other reasons, I used my only "rebooking" allowance.

Marvellous.

Thankfully, Gemma caught wind of it, and ended up taking me - I was planning on using the bus/train, but it worked out better this way, even if her SatNav had a nervous disposition and took us the "pretty" route.

Basically, where I am on Incapacity Benefit for long-term, I need periodic medicals. I've only had one in the last few years, so I guess my number was up, as it were. However, the thought of having to tell a stranger every single aspect of my life - the pain, tiredness, aching, fatigue, the depression (and, of course, the reasons) is enough to make me scream. And, for some reason, I got it into my head that this guy today was going to look at me and say "There's nothing wrong with you, piss off"

The day started out pretty shit with me arguing with my mobile phone provider, which, as it turns out, I didn't need to do. I've been stewing on the medical for the last fortnight, and had no real outlet or support for it, especially with everything that's gone on here. I've ripped my fingers to shreds, sat up all night panicing...

He was a lovely chap though, asking lots of questions, wanting to know about my daily life, how my aches, pains and depression affects me, what changes I've had to make to my life. Then lots of prodding, poking, and getting me to bend around and pulling myself in painful positions.

Honestly, I wanted to leave there and cry, from both the pain and the mental stress.

I HATE knowing that he's got to write a report to a man behind a desk that will decide if I am still allowed money. I told him exactly how it is, everything I've been through, how hard it is for me on a generally daily basis. All I can do now is wait.

Luckily Ruth was able to watch the kids while I was gone and even sorted me dinner when I got back. I'm just glad today is over. Fingers crossed, after a bit of unwinding this evening, I will get a decent night of sleep. Of course, this is assuming the kids are good for me ;)