On The Meds

OK I'm kidding... mostly. See, while I am off my Happy Fun Pills, I am NOT off my "For-The-Love-Of-All-Things-Holy-OWIE!" pain killers. Unlike sadness and depression, chronic pain and missing-bits-of-spine don't go away.

Which is a shame, but still.

See, in my garden, I have a plant I've mentioned before. I'm not going into the SATAN of all plants, but if you're bored, have a google for Japanese Knotweed. I have that. Lots and lots of that.

I had to contact DEFRA (Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs) about the plant after being bounced from council, environment agencies, departments for this, that and the other. DEFRA are a nice group - they are the ones that deal with the nice stuff, Foot & Mouth, Bluetongue, Avian Flu... All the good stuff.

Oh, and now, Knotweed.

I had to leave the garden while they investigated and looked into it as it's a bitch. Once you have it, you have it. Anyway, a nice lady called me this morning and said as long as I don't dump it, shred it, landfill it or anything else, I can rip that fecker up. Of course, to get to it, we had to get the tribe of pygmys to allow us to hack through the grass jungle. So me and the boy hacked, and mowed, and strimmed, and piled... Took us three hours, but we found various things, most importantly, the gravel and the lawn:


OK, to put this in perspective - the shed at the end of my garden was all but hidden. The metal washing-line-pole was missing. Of course, it's not tidy by a long shot yet. There's actually a PATH on my lawn but it's well grown over. And no, I still don't have a fence. And yes, the rear-neighbours do have a pool. And yes, the house on the right has a lovely garden. If you look carefully, that pile of GREEN next to my shed - that's the stack of knotweed that was covering the lower half of the garden.

And to give you an idea of this weed... See the fence panel on the left of my garden? See the green plant growing next to it? THAT, my friends, is knotweed. Mine wasn't quite that tall, but still - that is 5 weeks of growth. That's a seven-foot tall fence panel. Still not impressed? Go right, to the paved garden, and go to the end of their garden where it backs onto the people behind... See the green behind their shed and their neighbour? Yeah, that's it too. That's how far it's spread. It's two or three doors to the left and right, and one garden back.

Here is a detailed artist impression of what my garden looked like before we used MANLY skills on it.


Actually, I am quite impressed by the depth in that image. My art skills are clearly improving. But that pretty much summed up my garden. Sally could go out there and vanish in the grass. I had to wear my big clumpy boots incase I found a snake out there. *shudder*

But anyway, to the subject at hand. I am now sitting with fluffy-leg sensation, and am listening to very loud music and waiting for the Mother F'king pain to jump on the bus and get outta Dan Town. Head Meds - gone. Back Meds - My Friends.