Happy Birthday Mum

Today, my mum is... erm... Well, about 700 years old I think.  Bless the old girl, Mummy 0ddness is the cause and reason most of you read this blog.  If it wasn't for her, there'd be no me.

And I'm still not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing to be honest.

But none the less, if anyone deserves one of these Super Mum awards, it's her.  How she put up with my sister is beyond me, all the while raising the saintly, angelic cherub that is me.

OK OK, I lie.  How she kept me alive - either through my own stupidity, or without throttling me - is completely beyond me.  The tales I could tell of my childhood and the stuff that caused her to withold murder...

Some of the stuff I remember vividly...  Showing her my prize Slow Worm, only for her to discover the 6 year old boy proudly showing her an Adder.  Having the window cleaner ask her why there was a bumper crop of tampons - dipped in water for additional swelling fun - strewn over the garage roof.  Having the police knock on the door late at night after reports of a not-so-legally-owned bicycle being taken apart.  Having me come home in the dead of winter, covered in icy mud and water.

Not to mention the countless runs to the hospital... Broken bones.  Sprains.  Appendix.  Kids Medicine Overdose.  Self-Inflicted Stab wounds.  Accidental cuts...

I won't even detail the amount of times search parties were sent out for me (AND Gemma - it wasn't just me!) after we went out to play and hadn't noticed the time or anything.

I'm sure there are more items I could mention...  Standing on the church steps for Gemmas christening, sans trousers/pants.  Swinging out on the second-story windows without an ounce of fear.  Washing Gemma in Loo Bloo.  Stripping my entire bedroom of wallpaper.

Yes folks, this is the woman that single-handedly kept me from the clutches of Mr G. Reaper on a regular basis.  Not to mention resisted the urge to pack me off to him, Next Day Delivery.

She instilled in me the values that I still live to today.  Enjoy life, it's too short.  Love your kids, but be friends with them too.  Bullies are bastards.  Put the kids first.

She taught me to cook, to clean, to iron, to sew...  It's thanks to her I am completely self-reliant, and can look after myself.  It's her that taught me to put females first, and to respect that most mystical of strange creatures.

Well, kinda ;)

It's not all been roses, and we've had our falling out moments.  For the record, when you're a world-wise teenager, never, ever EVER use the most UNHOLY of Bad Words, at the dinner table, within reach of her Fist of Fury.  No sooner had I uttered That Fateful Word, than her hand connected with my face...

So, to my mum.  Thank you.  For raising me, for teaching me right from wrong, good from bad, and for making me who I am today.  And for keeping me alive too.  I'm sure there are some people that would kick you for doing so, but I'm glad you did.  We've ridden through some bad times and some shit times, but we came through it.

Happy Birthday Mum.  I love you lots, and thank you for putting up with me through ALL of it.

NB: To those wondering about the image for this post... My mum has Fingernails to put Mr F. Kreuger to shame.  SHAME I tell ya.  Granted, they are colourful, but eeeew they are gross.  The kids call her Nanny Nails.

Not bad for a woman celebrating her 700-and-somethingth birthday ;)