Angel Day

Today is that day. February 21st. The day Bethy left.

I honestly wasn't sure how I would deal with today, and while I've been doing my best to ignore it, it has crept up faster and faster. The last couple of days, I've been trying to see the funny side of everything, helping out and keeping busy, and with it being half term (and the weekend), I've been with Kellie. On top of that, her kids have been running about, plus I've got Tam and Jaysen.

Last night, we went to bed, and pretty much as soon as the light went out, my head started. Laying in the dark, my head took me back to that bloody room in Guys Hospital, and it was all as vivid as it was that day four years ago. Kellie held me - she didn't need to say anything, but after an hour, she suggested we get up. She knew sitting in the dark was doing nothing for me, and dragged me downstairs. Rubbish late-night TV and a hot chocolate, just enough to keep my mind occupied.

By three AM, I was feeling a lot better, so not long after that, we headed back to bed once again. I laid there for a while longer watching some more TV, but eventually fell asleep, only to have Tam wake me up at half four and again at seven. At least I'm occupied.

I can't believe it's four years. It still feels so fresh some days - especially today - and I can remember the look the doctor gave, the expressions on the face of the nurses, the sounds of the ward...

But more than anything, I remember seeing my Bethy, having gone through everything she had to face, seeing her poor little body slowly giving up. At that point, I would have given anything - no matter the cost - to make everything right. My little baby, laying there fighting so hard, but not having the strength left.

I just wish I could have held her one more time. I wish I could have kissed her one more time. I wish I could have told her I love her just one more time.

My Bethy,
I miss you so much, my special little princess. I can't believe that four years have passed since you had to go, but I know that where ever you are, you're better and even more perfect than you were. I know you can run and jump and dance and play as much as you like, no need to sit because you're puffed, no need to be carried after a short distance.

I still see you, swinging on the door, or riding on your trike, or playing on the swings. I just wish I could be there with you while you play, to hear you giggle as you rush about.

You went through so much in your short life, you always had a smile, even when you didn't want to do something or be somewhere. Even when things were going wrong in the hospital, you still did your best and never complained.

I miss you Bethy. So much that it hurts, and know it would have been selfish to keep you here.

Run, my angel. Run, play, laugh... One day I'll run with you and hold you close and hear you giggle as I blow raspberries on your neck, or laugh at my stubble rubbing against your cheek.

I love you Bethy, and will hold you one day. As usual, I see you baby... I just wish I could have told you I love you one more time.

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8 Responses to “Angel Day”

debbie said...

I know where not to be sad really as Bethy is no longer ill, but I miss hearing about Bethy seeing how she proved drs wrong again and again,, a true fighter through and through,, I remember the day well,, They say time is a great healer Dan and I know you miss her like Crazy,, but you too are amazing your coping very well, well the side I see anyway,,

Rest in peace sweet Bethany,, you are missed by so many people whos hearts you touched so very much even though many never got to meet you,,

hugs to you all Dan

Em's way said...

Don't know what to say Dan, other than send you huge hugs and that we are all thinking of you all today. Have sent a balloon to her today, fly high Bethy we miss you xxx

Nancy Jensen said...

Dan, I made a special trip all the way across the pond, to give you a hug.... wish it were in person and not a cyber hug.... but I care all the same. Things have not been easy at my home lately and so I haven't been reading blogs like I used to. Instead I care for my sickly girl and my rambunctious boys (yes, Karl included there!) and I do my crafts. But I knew what today was and made the trip - at least to your blog. (I've been avoiding my blog too so don't feel bad!)

I remember all too vividly 4 years ago when I called you from across the pond and I could hear it in your voice - you KNEW she was gone but her body was still there... barely. I felt your pain then and I feel it now. Just a few months ago my nephew lost his battle to brain cancer. I'm still struggling with it and of course so is my dear sister (and her family). It's not something that you ever "get over".

Just know that you aren't alone. Many people in the world miss Bethany. I "knew" her since she was just a "Bump" and then became "Little Miss Moo". I loved the stories you would tell of her antics... even her wearing her mum's bra on her head, parading and dancing around. haha! See? She still makes me smile.

One more hug and one more good bye still would never be enough. Like that song, "one more day"... the singer realizes that even if he had one more day, he would still be wishing for one more day (with you).

Someday you will have all the "one more days" anyone could ever ask for. She will be there waiting to jump into your arms again.

(((hugs))) to you, Dan. Even if you don't hear from me (or I don't hear from you either in ages... *hint* *hint*)... don't believe for a minute that we have forgotten you or your dear family. Especially Miss Jess! She asks about you often. We also talk about how someday she will get to meet Bethany in person once she becomes and angel too.

Little Nut Tree Blog said...


Anonymous said...

Thinking of you and sweet Bethy today and often....
Dorothy Morrison

DriedPapercutsAndChickens said...

darn it nance---
I remember my phone ringing at 330 or so in the morning....I knew when it rang, who it would be and why...
I can't believe it has been 4 yrs.
I am glad you have Kellie to take care of you.

The Sween! said...

Why is it all the good things get taken away from us in life? My regards go out to you for your loss!


Anonymous said...

Dan, I'm there with Nancy...sending a cyber hug, and best thoughts for you. I am thankful you share with us your thoughts about it, and the love that still runs so strong through you as her dad.
Much love,