Nine

Today is a special day.  Today, my sweet little Bethy would have been nine years old.

I cannot believe that this time nine years ago, I was sat cuddling the little moo while doctors put various monitors and things on her.  A massive flurry of activity, a whirlwind of people, all because of the perfect little girl cradled in my arms.  Her first exposure to the camera didn't go down very well, but she realised who her dad was, and knew it'd be like this!

And she went from strength to strength, fighting each and every single thing that was thrown her way.  Heart Defects, pfft.  Weird insides, ha.  Strokes, pah.  Cancer, meh.  Everything that cropped up to bite her in the arse - every single thing - she dealt with, got over and got on with it.  She grew - albeit slowly - she learned to walk, to talk, to twist everyone around her little finger, and she loved school.

And today, she would have been nine.

I'm not sure why but it's hit hard that she's gone.  I know she's gone, but I still expect to see her peeking around a corner or something.  I think it's partly because I know that she's been gone longer now than she was here...  I look at girls of a similar age, and wonder if Bethy would be into the same things they are into, if she'd like the same games, the same music, TV.  I'm just having a very rough time of it this year.

To my beautiful little Bethy,
Happy Birthday little moo.  It staggers me to realise you would have been nine, and I wonder what you would look like, what yours likes and dislikes would be, what things you would be up to, and how much trouble you'd get in with Jaysen and Tamsyn.

I miss you - goodness, I still miss you every single day, and while I try not to, I still do the stupid "what if" thing.  I know it won't bring you back or change anything, but I do wonder.

You still come to me in my dreams every now and then, not dreaming about you, but you come along and sit on my lap and just cuddle me, wrapping your tiny little arms around my neck, pushing away my stubbly cheeks because that's what you do.  You laugh your dirty little giggle when I blow raspberries on your belly, but ultimately, you just sit on my lap and hold me while I hold you.

I still see you in things around the house - the bannisters, where you used to swing out and greet people that came in.  The kitchen door you used to swing on, chuckling away.  And your little poncho is still hanging up in my cupboard.

I love you my little Bethy.  Jaysen misses you too and often speaks about you.  Tamsyn always talks about her big sister Bethy as well, and I'm sure you've put in many appearance to the Peanut.

One day, my little angel, one day we'll be back together, and you can have all the cuddles you want, all the time.

I see you baby, running and playing and having fun.
With all my love,
Daddy
x

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating life
Now I'm bound by the life you've left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along