Five Years...

This time five years ago, it was over.  12.21pm, a time I still see on my watch all the time.

This time last year, I was, for want of a better term, a wreck.  No sooner had the clock turned midnight, I was crying and sad and in a bad place - and kept Kellie awake all night watching stupid TV programs to keep my mind occupied.

This year however...  Yesterday I spent the day rebuilding a computer, and didn't finish till nearly 1am.  Kellie sat up with me "helping" and while I knew the time and date, I was looking back, but looking further back.

I didn't sleep very well last night.  Tossing and turning - but unlike last year, I wasn't crying or a mess, I was just thinking about Bethy.  When I did manage to sleep, I had some strange dreams of running around Guys Hospital, trying to find her, but couldn't.  I don't know why - probably my brain telling me that she really isn't there, but somewhere else, somewhere better.  Whenever I see the London skyline, I see that place; it could be on the TV, or going into/through the city - my eyes are automatically drawn to it.

We lounged around in bed for a couple of hours this morning.  Talking, dozing, planning what to do today...  Kellie has a chest infection and is coughing her lungs up, and I have a cold.  The sun came up and lit the bedroom up in a blaze, and even though it's not grey and raining, it doesn't bother me.

I popped to the shop, walking in the drizzle, enjoying the cool water on my face, looking at the forms of cloud, the different colours in the sky. 

Bethy is constantly in my mind today, but during better times. Running, playing, giggling, sitting the stairs for cuddles...  I can hear her singing her ABC song in my mind - a song that Tam loves to sing too - and while I am sad, I am not miserable.

Is this a turning point?  Is this me taking another step on the road to recovery?  I have no idea, and while I miss her like crazy, I know that she can run and jump and sing and dance and is playing with all the other little angels without having to worry about "be careful" or "slow down" or "catch your breath".  She can do what she wants, how she wants.

The bravest little angel ever.

To my baby Bethy,
Five years.  That's how long it's been since you left to go and play elsewhere.  Part of me thinks that it feels like an eternity since I last held you, another part of me can still feel you against me, your hand on my face cringing at my stubble.

It's hard to believe how long it's been since you were running around here, but I know that where ever you are, you are having so much fun, knowing you have no limits nor boundaries to hold you back any longer.  I miss you and your cuddles and your laugh every single day, and am sure that you make me glance at the clock at the same time each day, just to nudge me, just to catch my attention.

Jaysen still talks about you, and I know he misses you as much as everyone else, and Tamsyn - even though you never met in person - looks at pictures of you, and sometimes looks so much like you.  I'm still convinced you tell her to do and say certain things, and that a little part of you is inside her - the mischief-causing part that is!

Kellie often asks about you, and when we're talking about you, I KNOW you'd love her to bits.  She comes out with things sometimes that make me giggle, almost as though she's worried you won't approve of her.  I know you'd love her.

One day, my little angel, one day we'll be running and playing together, but I still have so much to do down here.  But I know you'll be waiting for me my little gorgeous, sitting on the stairs patiently...

All my love Bethy,
Daddy
x

For a change, I'm not going to put one of the slow, sad songs on that I usually put on these posts to Bethy.  The song I am putting on instead was one Bethy used to dance and sing to before we went into hospital, and I decided it was more apt for today than anything else.  Also, she loved this video, which is from World of Warcraft.  She loved watching the swarm of pink-haired gnomes run around, so this video is even more for her.


(Rob Zombie - Blitzkrieg Bop)