Bodily Functions

The human body is an amazing thing.  Especially mine - at least, especially mine when you think it's still running after the years of being broken when I was a kid.

But, in general, the things it can do always fascinate me.  People climbing Everest, able to hold their breath and dive so deeply, let alone those that go through what the papers always call a "Horror Smash!" yet walk away from it.

However, at other times, the human body reeeeally has to make you wonder.  For instance, when you have company and you try to cough - and end up farting in front of everyone.  When you walk up or down stairs and your brain tells you there's an extra stair and you stumble.

Now - still on subject I should add - I have to say I have a cast iron bladder and concrete bowels.  I can hold pee for hours at a time, and not even realise I need to go.  I can go days without sitting on the loo causing an environmental disaster.

So, yesterday lunchtime, the fitter announces "If you need to go to the toilet, go now, as I'm taking the old one out"  Me being me, and feeling fine, answers with "It's all good, don't worry"

You can see where this is going can't you.

About thirty minutes later, I was busting for a pee.  Full on, need to go.  But, lucky for me an my cast iron bladder, I held it and held.  On top of that, having strangers in the house makes me really not want to use the loo.  Yes yes, I know...  Over the course of the next couple of hours, I managed to ignore it as best I could, then my bum said "You know what, I think I need to go too"

Oh my heck.

So, as he's having a few problems and it got really late, he finished and gave me a lift to the bus stop.  The bus journey was... Bumpy.  The from the bus stop to Kellies I walked as fast as I could, got in, said Hi to her and disappeared upstairs.

And all was good in the world.  Unless you're at sea, in which case, I apologise.

So being that they're STILL not done, I came back again this morning, left Kellies at the butt-crack of dawn, and almost made it to the bus stop when my body tapped me on the shoulder and said "I need a wee"

And my backside said "I need to go too"


So, the bus journey back was bumpy again, and stop-start-stop-start due to stupid traffic from stupid people not able to let their stupid kids walk to school.  Jumped off the bus and sort of flew home.  Of course, the toilet is still not connected to running water.  It has a waste outlet, but no running water.

I kicked my door in, dropped my bag, ran into the kitchen and filled up two buckets.  Yes, running water.  Excellent fun.  Then I had to lug them upstairs, and put water in the pan.

It also occurred to me for a heartbeat, that there is no seat on the toilet yet.  I didn't care.

And now I feel much better.  I'm just glad there were no workmen here by the time I got in otherwise I'd be sitting here fidgeting ;)

So there you have it.  Mankind can scale Everest, dive to the depths of the Oceans - but if you take away their toilet, they lose the ability to control themselves!

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3 Responses to “Bodily Functions”

Posh Totty said...

Thanks Dan, this is the first thing to make me laugh today :O)

Emma said...

The only bit I got in that is 'you have bag'!!!?? Like a man bag or a nice lady handbag?? lol x

The HoJo's said...

hee hee love it :o)