Thirty Sleeps To Xmas...

At least, from an insomniacs point of view it is...

As of writing this, it's 7.30 in the morning, and aside from dozing off a couple of times in the night,  I've not slept tonight.  Again.

Now, there are people out there that make comments like "wow, I've not slept for DAYS" and you know for a fact they mean "I feel like I've not slept for days" but either way, you just want to pull their lungs out. Anally. They are usually bright and chipper and have no bags under their eyes.

I, on the other hand, have not slept  more than an hour or two most nights this week, and even that sleep was broken. I am tired, exhausted, my usual aches and pains feel worse, I'm grumpy and cranky and paranoid, and if I look how I feel then I suspect even these stars of the makeover programs would run screaming.

As with most nights, we went to bed at a relatively reasonable time last night. We were in bed at around half ten, and prolly turned the lamp out at eleven or so. I'd taken my pain killers, had a drink, had a wee (you love the details!) and settled down with Kellie in her usual place snuggled beside me.

Within five minutes, she was gently snoring, while I, on the other hand, was still trying to determine what angle my head was comfy at.

Midnight rolled around, and the pain killers were doing nothing. We'd had a busy afternoon doing Doms paper round and it killed my legs to the point it hurt to even think about them. My back has also been screaming somewhat, plus the pain in my arms and hands has been rather icky. Hopefully the doc will be starting me on a new tablet soon...

The constant pain is starting to wear thin and is really starting to bring me down. I wish I could make people realise just how much I hurt, ALL the time. Even when I am doing stuff, people look at me with a single thought in their mind - Thought you were in pain, Thought you couldn't do stuff. I AM in pain, all the time. If I mentioned aloud when I was hurting, it would be me saying "I'm in pain!" 24/7. I do my best to do normal stuff on a daily basis, but the pain is constant, to the point I just want to curl up and cry. I'm sure most people just think I'm being dramatic, being a wimp.

But anyway...

By midnight, Kellie has rolled over to her side of the bed, though one of her feet are tangled in my legs. She's still snoring quietly murmering about something.

1am and the outside world is silent, the quiet only punctured by a drunk guy going past, dragging his feet talking to himself about needing a beer and a cigarette. All I can think is it sounds more like he needs water and bed. The silence continues, aside from a light-pollution confused blackbird that keeps beginning his song only to stop. I can only assume he's singing, and his wife is kicking him, and telling him to look at his bloody watch.

By two o clock, my mate the marauding fox is out and about. He is doing his best "screaming like a murder victim" impression as he wanders around out there looking for something to eat. Or a shag, I suppose, being that spring is in the air. Each time he makes his sound, Kellie jumps in her sleep. At some point, she's ditched the duvet onto me, but she's still sound asleep.

And the confused blackbird is still doing his thing.

By three, I think I must have dozed off for a short period because I realised my left arm is dead. I move off it and have to drag it out from under the pillow as I have no strength to move it. Kellie is back under the duvet and her legs are over mine. I don't mind, even though they are still screaming in pain, her body heat is nice and she's only dinky. My fox has moved off elsewhere into Basildonia, hopefully with food and/or a sexy vixen, but the blackbird is still at it.

I suspect he has lost the rest of his song sheet, so is just running with what he's got.

Not long after four, I pop another handful of painkillers. I'm in so much pain I can hardly move, and aside from Kellie breathing and the occasional two lines of "Blackbird, Dawn Chorus" everything everywhere is silent. While I'm not boo-hooing, I am crying thanks to the pain. It's this point if the night that it seems so much more obvious that it's there. I know the painkillers won't do much, but I have to try.  Even parts of my body like my forearms and shins hurt, a deep "inside" pain. Tonight, even my skin us aching.

As time passes, I know its getting early as the occasional different bird starts to wake up and tune their instruments, random snippets of birdsong here and there as sunrise is now only a couple of hours away...

I open my eyes, and again realise I must have dozed off. My eyes feel gritty from both tiredness and sleeping. There is rain tapping in the window, and it's not much before half five. Can't hear any birds, and can only assume they've cancelled choir practise on account of inclement weather.

Kellie is obviously in the midst if a dream and is twitching and muttering to herself. Her head is wedged between her pillows and my own, her brain raises a "Something's Wrong" alert, and her eyes pop open.

"I don't like that" she says, so clearly not awake I let her get on with it. "Dont like what baby" I ask, watching as she kinda drags her head across from the gap she's trapped in. She says something, but it's not in English. "OK baby" I reply, letting her get on with it. She sits up and mutters about wanting a wee, and clamber across the bed and stumbles out the room.

A toilet flush and thirty seconds later, she's back clambering across the bed, under the duvet, and snoring, this time gripping my hand in hers.

I didn't need it anyway.

With six A.M literally tapping in the window in the form of it getting lighter, I now know I'm done for the night.  Once I'm aware the day had started, that's it, Dan is awake. I pretend it's not, I put a pillow over my head, make it dark and quiet, but there are cars going by now, a sure sign others are going to work and about their business.

I lay in the fake-dark listening to the muffled sounds of the world waking up. The birds are trying again, the cat jumps off a bed upstairs and goes for a walk, Tamsyn is coughing in her sleep, Kellie is now half under the duvet and half not.

I emerge from my little cocoon and see how light it's getting. Sealing my fate, I get up, throw on my dressing gown, go for a pee, pop downstairs and let out the dog, get a drink, let the dog back in, go back upstairs, say morning to the cat, and get back into bed.

Being Saturday, Kellie will sleep in for a bit, and I'll just lay here, reading and listening to the world go by until she does.

And chances are, tonight won't be much different.

Location : 38-56 Long Riding, Basildon, Essex SS14 1,
Posted on my HTC Desire HD (so apologies for strange formatting or random Predictive Typing spelling mistakes!)

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2 Responses to “Thirty Sleeps To Xmas...”

Anonymous said...

I am really sorry that you are having such a bad time. Living with constant pain is terrible. I know from personal experience what pain and not being able to sleep can do to a body. I hope you can get some relief and will feel better soon. Mimi

Em said...

You have my sympathy, I am in constant pain, its only the level that changes, and no people just don't 'get' it at all. The night you've described sounds so familiar (just swapping Kellie for Gary obv!) and add in Skye waking up in the odd times I doze off.... sending soothing huggles and love xxxx Em xx(the immortal one ;) )