You Know When...

...your day is going to be shit when it starts being shit at 12.02am.

Last night, Kellie and myself went to bed at a reasonable hour.  Half ten, eleven maybe.  I took my meds, we snuggled down into bed and she dozed off fairly quickly (as she does) while I lay fiddling with my phone, playing Paradise Island (bloody addictive stupid game) when I noticed a green light fizzling around outside.

Not thinking "OMG Aliens!" I peered outside, wondering what it was when I saw them.  The knobheads across the road.  They've spent money on a green laser pointer. And were shining it into everyones bedroom windows across the road to them. 

Hi-fucking-larious.

I'm already cranky as my body is crying out with ouchies, but the meds are doing NOTHING.  Even the Amytriptyline decided to not show up this night.  Now I'm doing my best to ignore the light flaring in through the window and zapping around the room.

Then their music went on.  Boom-hiss-boom-hiss-boom-hiss... I like loud music, I like my music loud.  But not at half twelve at night.

Giving up on the island, I roll over and try to ignore the boom-hiss-boom noise and the random appearence of the green light.  Eventually, I stuff a pillow over my head.  I may have dozed off, I may have been drugged to sleep, I may have temporarily suffocated myself, but I did eventually fall asleep.

Next thing I know, it's 4am and the cat is meowing outside.  I stumble, half drugged half asleep down the stairs, open the door... It's not Arwen.  I bumble back upstairs and fall back into bed.

"Oh My God WHAT TIME IS IT?!" is the next thing I know.  I'm awake, unconsciously reaching for my phone and Kellie is sat bolt upright shaking her phone that, evidently, has died during the night.  It's not long after seven, so she's only overslept by ten minutes.  Not too bad.  I'm semi-awake and kinda sorta out of bed. My legs are wobbly and I am not with it, but I vaguely perform tasks such as "Find Clothes" and "Make Kellie Coffee" as well as "Mo Don't Forget Your Lunch"

By 8.15am I'm alone, so I decide to shower.  Getting out the shower I slip just a teeny bit, but somehow manage to smack my right shin on the edge of the bath.  F'kin OW.

I dry, I dress, I collect paperwork I need to get done today in town and head out.  At the end of the path, some massive heffer riding a mobility scooter almost runs me down.  "Watch where yer going fer Christ sake" she calls over her shoulder.

Clearly her disability is rude as arseholes, and unable to stop cramming shitty food into her flabby gob.

I start the walk into town and it seems like everyone walking in the opposite direction is texting, staring at their feet, or intentionally just walking face-first into me.  I go to the council offices with my paperwork, and finally, something goes right - I am seen straight away. Usually, you go in, take a number, sit down, die of old age, get resurrected, get seen.  But not today.

In a shocking new twist, the lady is actually friendly AND chatty.  Bonus.  She goes through all the stuff, takes copies, writes stuff down, tells me to bring in the bits we don't have yet ASAP, thanks bye.

Being that I am in town early, thinking I'd have ages between arriving and being seen, and having my lenses appointment, I have 45 minutes to kill.  Coffee and a muffin, don't mind if I do.  So, I go into Costa, get my coffee, sit down and start reading the news on my phone.  I've got my headphones in listening to music, but I keep it very low in case A) it annoys people, and B) people talk to me out of the blue.  I can hear someone elses music behind me, and it's pissing me off.

However, being that I am Big Fat Obvious Bloke, people are glaring at ME.  People are muttering about "Hope that fat guy can hear his music" and "Glad he's wearing headphones to keep it to himself"  Now, the fact I can hear them suggests IT'S NOT ME, and I stare at the woman that made the fat guy comment.  Her next move?  To tell her friends "Oh my god, he's staring at me... Maybe he's psychic!"

They all giggle, I lean forwards.  "I'm not psychic, but this fat guy doesn't have loud music on, it's the fella behind me"

No apology, no acknowledgement, just an "Oh" and she turns to her coffee.

Stuff this, I'd rather be early for my appointment.  I eat my muffin, finish my coffee, crank my music up loud, look at the stupid woman for a moment, then walk out oblivious to the world.  Six paces out of Costa, a bloke sidles up to me and talks to me.  NOW I have loud music on, so I hear nothing.  I pop the earphones out. 

"Have you got a moment to discuss your energy provider?" I sigh.  I do, but don't want to.  "They're rubbish, and I hate them" I reply and keep walking.  He keeps pace.  "May I ask who you're with? We can offer a much better deal at N-Power!" Brilliant.  "It's N-Power I'm with, but thanks anyway..." Back in go the earphones and I walk forwards.  I don't know if he replied.

Twenty yards.  That's all I have to cover.  Man in a suit with a name badge talking to me. Earphones out.  "...  discuss God with you?" is all I hear.  "Sorry, I have an appointment, no thanks." I reply. "What appointment do you have?" he asks. Erm, is he interested, or calling my bluff.  Fifteen yards.  That's how far it is to the opticians.  "I'm getting my eyes checked, sorry." He smiles and nods, and steps out from in front of me.  I KNOW he's watching me go to the opticians, so I'm glad I didn't lie.

Ten yards.  A man in a Virgin Media T-Shirt steps out.  I leave the earphones in, and reply with "Already have Virgin Plus, thanks!" I say.  I don't but can't be arsed with the sales pitch.

And SANCTUARY! I'm in the opticians, fight through the crowd, up the stairs, and get my lenses checked.  All is very good, the minor problems I am having are fine, nothing unexpected, I get my eye poked a bit, some dye put in, but otherwise, forty minutes later and twenty quid poorer, I head out the door again, head down, earphones in and turn left to avoid the throng of people trying to offer me something I neither want nor need.

Now it's important stuff, and no, I am not saying what, but I am now moving through town with purpose.

At least, I was.

Through some twist of fate, I bump into Diane and Dave - Diane of Gimme Gizmo Manager and All-Round-Crazy-Person - and we stand around having a natter for half an hour.  Clearly, today is my day for attracting the crazies, Diane included.  We chat, I take the piss, and I resume my Important Stuff hunting.

I go into one shop, and talk to someone that works there, when someone interrupts us.  "I WAS HERE FIRST!" claims this huge woman.  The sales assistant looks at her as confused as me.  Granted the woman WAS in the shop before me, but she was looking through stuff, whereas I, with purpose, went TO the saleswoman and asked my question.  "Sorry madam, this gentleman came to me first, I had already asked if you needed anything, but you said you were just looking."

The smell, I notice, is quite pungent.  And wafting from the woman.  "BUT I NEED YOUR SERVICE NOW!" she says in her loud voice.  Sales Assistant looks at me with a sorry, I smile, look at the Smelly Woman and let the sales assistant do her thing.  "DO YOU HAVE THIS IN THIS SIZE?" she asks, holding up a filthy item that she is clearly looking for a replacement for.  "I'm afraid not, we sold the last one an hour ago." says the assistant. "BUT I WANT A NEW ONE!" says the whale. "We don't have any - try our Lakeside store perhaps?" offers the assistant.  "I WANT A NEW ONE. TODAY!" exclaims the large woman, going red in the face. "LAKESIDE IS MILES AWAY!"

Now I turn my attention to the other items, but can't help but listen in.

"I'm sorry, maybe come back next week then?"
"BUT I WANT IT TODAY!"
"But we don't have one..."
"WHERE'S THE MANAGER? HE WILL GET ME ONE!"
"Our manager is a woman."
"NO IT ISN'T!"

At this point, a woman steps in from behind the counter.  A woman, wearing her name badge with "Manager" on it. "I'm sorry madam, but as you've been told, we don't have any of those in that size. You can either try our Lakeside store, or come back next week."

"YOU'RE NOT THE MANAGER!"
"I am, and I have been for over a year."
"THE LAST MANAGER I SPOKE TO WAS A MAN!"
"The previous manager was also a woman, in fact, she left to have a baby."
"NO SHE DIDN'T!"
"Madam, you really are going to have to leave, otherwise I will call security and-"
"I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE INSULTED!"

And she stomped out.  Literally, actually, physically STOMPED out the shop. Manager and Assistant apologised profusely to me, really completely and utterly sorry.  Apparently, the woman is a "problem customer" with a few issues and is often in there causing a scene, but there's nothing they can do except ask her to leave.  And for my patience and troubles, and for being "caught up in it" here's a small discount for you.

At this point in time, I have officially had my fill for the day.  I have been afflicted with every weirdo, crazy, fruit-loop, and am hacked off with the world. So, I set about heading out of town, and being that I am now pissed off, I actually ignore the people I don't know I stride, with purpose past the sales reps, the people offering this or that, and even ignore the crazy old man that is standing in the middle of town with a piece of bamboo.  I have NO idea why he's there, and judging by the berth everyone else is giving him, I don't pay him any attention.

Finally, home.  I get in, phone my mum, potter around, and finally, exhausted, I flop down with my lunch and open my window beside me.

Thirty seconds later, boom-hiss-boom-hiss.... Full volume from across the road.

There's gonna be blood.