Kill Me...

If you have somehow not blocked me on either Facebook or Twitter, you will have noticed that the last week has been a pretty shitty one for my sleeping.

Or, rather, my lack of sleeping.

I am once again back to square one with trying to get off TO sleep, and when I get TO sleep, I then struggle to STAY asleep.

I've said in the past - and will happily say again - I am determined to not have to rely on medication to get me to sleep.  That, to me, is just a slippery slope that can only lead to icky places that I don't want to go.  Medically-induced sleep does not appeal to me, and my biggest worry of something happening in the middle of the night, and not being able to react...

That thought just scares the piss out of me.

In the last week, I have removed caffeine, I have installed apps that change the colours of my screens from Blue-Tones (which promote wakefulness) to red, I have stopped "fiddling" with the phone at bed time, I'm not watching Action or Drama in case it hypes me up, I'm avoiding eating late, I'm not eating stuff to boost me, I've had bedtime showers...

And on and on.

I'm not stressing over anything in particular, I'm not dwelling on anything, I'm not angry nor upset, and I feel tired.  Exhausted, in fact. By two or three in the afternoon, it's all I can do to keep my eyes open and stop my head flopping backwards and forwards.  Last week, I tried exhausting myself in the back garden, and literally spent hours out there doing proper full-on gardening.  I killed myself, I could hardly move, was in agony and remained exhausted - but do you think I could sleep that night?

Could I f....

It is driving me fully insane. We go to bed, anywhere between 10 and 12, and Kellie will flake out pretty quickly. I, on the other hand, will still be trying to put my legs in a comfortable position.  After an hour, I am trying to get comfy still.  A couple of hours, I am trying to keep my mind clear, to not think about whatever pops into my mind.  Nothing stressful, nothing bad, just stuff that cycles around in my head.  Hours after that, I am now pissed off and in pain and tired - so I leave the bed for a bit.  I have a wander, I take some more pain killers, I have a drink, have a wee, stand on the back doorstep for a bit having some fresh air...

Invariably, once I DO fall asleep, it's not long till I have to get up. 

The other side of the coin is that I fall asleep, then wake up. Then fall asleep. Then wake up. And over and over and over all night long.

I have an app on my phone that plays white noise, rain, waves, wind... No joy.  I've had the windows open, the windows closed. Boxers or nothing. A couple of pillows or a shed-load of pillows. Duvet on or duvet off. We've moved the bed into different places. We've changed the alignment of the bed from N-S to E-W, S-N and W-E.  Complete darkness, to night light, to bright light.

The closest I get to medicating for sleep is when I give up and take a herbal Nytol... It's an Antihistamine that "helps induce a restful sleep" but if I take them three nights in a row, the third night I can be wide awake.  Even when I DO take them, I am not "restfully" sleeping, I am still waking up on and off.

Last night, for example, we went to bed just after 10pm.  I took a Nytol and three Co-Codamol, had a drink and curled up beside Kellie.  We had the TV on for a little while, but I wasn't really watching it.  I should add, the TV is RARELY on at bedtime.  Anyway, last night, Kellie watched an episode of American Dad while I lay beside her and concentrated on my breathing.  I don't remember her turning the TV off, so I must have dozed off pretty quickly. 

I should add, I was exhausted yesterday.  It was all I could do to get dressed in the morning, let alone actually do much.

So, last night... I woke up at half twelve with a really dry mouth, so had some more water.  Kellie was asleep and doing her contented light snore.  I then needed a wee. Back into bed, I snuggled beside her in the same position as when I woke up.  But it wasn't comfortable at all. So I spent half an hour fidgeting around. Then my brain started doing random things, asking questions and just thinking.  I concentrated on my breathing, put a pillow on my head and dozed off again.

I woke up at half three, and spent an hour trying to get comfy and back to sleep.  I took more painkillers, and dozed off again.  I woke up for a little while at about six, and dozed off again.  Kellie must have gotten up around seven/half seven, but I don't remember hearing her alarm or feeling her get up.  At eight, she woke me up (I don't like her to go to work without me getting up and saying goodbye) and I've been up since then.  It's now 11.15am and my body is trying to shut down.

But I will NOT let it.  I know for a fact if I DO sleep now, I will wake up hurting, and I will definitely not sleep tonight.

I am now worried that I will end up having to take medication to sleep.  I feel like I have tried every other option, from the natural remedies to the changes in habits and everything else.  I just don't want to.

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2 Responses to “Kill Me...”

Dan said...

WHY OH WHY did you publish now?! I set you to publish later you silly post!


Adullamite said...

I fell asleep reading that.....

How about more exercise to wear you out? Difficult I know but a possibility?