I am sitting here - as I have been since 6am this morning, thinking about my beautiful little girl, and without thinking about it, I've been wondering what she would be doing were she still here. I've been wondering what would she look like, how would she be, and what sort of plans would she be making...
I can't help it, and I've been trying to stay up-beat and happy, after all, today would be her birthday, and the last thing she would want, is for me to be sat here sad and upset. To be honest, she would probably kick me squarely on the shins if she knew how sad I was.
I've been trying to occupy myself - not forget, but keep my brain working on other things, but it's not worked. It doesn't help that I am so tired at the moment.
It kills me that she didn't make it past four. It cuts me like a knife that next month she would have been gone for seven years. SEVEN. It still feels like something that has only just happened.
But today is her birthday. Today, my beautiful, amazing, strong, brave Bethy would be eleven years old.
To my amazing big-little girl, my Bethy,
Happy birthday angel. I know where ever you are, you are probably having a great time. You've got Sally-Dog up there with you now, and I am sure you are drawing on her, or shaving her with the clippers, or generally running around like a pair of loons.
I miss you beautiful, every single day I think about you and all the amazing things you managed, even though you were so tiny. You touched so many people - people nearby, people around England, and people all over the world. You achieved amazing things, and bought so many people together.
But I miss you. I still wish I could have just one more cuddle, with you squeezing me tightly around the neck. I wish I could have one more kiss, you pressing your cold little lips hard against my cheek, then squealing in shock as you realise I've not shaved. I still see you swinging outside on the swings, or riding your little trike up and down the garden, or bumping down the stairs on your bottom.
I miss the sound of your voice, the sound of your giggle, your dirty little grin.
I wish I could give you a birthday kiss and cuddle today. I wish you were here to give Kellie a great big cuddle. You would adore her, and I am sure you approve of how great she is to me and your big brother and your little sister. Kellie loves you too, even though she never got to meet you. I hate that you two never met.
Happy birthday Bethany. I hope I dream of you tonight, and get one of your big cuddles while we sit on the stairs.
I love you my little angel, and yes, I still see you baby, shaking your ass..
With all my love,
For those of you that are new to 0ddness, Bethany was my little girl that was born with Congenital Heart Defects, and on the 21st February 2005, following a series of surgeries to correct her heart, she passed away. She was an amazing little girl that didn't flinch at any needle, any thought of surgery, and loved everyone completely and utterly. She was an amazing, wonderful, brave little girl, and I miss her every single day.
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