Belief

Do you know what is difficult? Being the way that I am - a sensitive soul at times - I find it most difficult when people look at me bumbling around, struggling to do whatever I am doing, and failing to get words out - and you can tell by their expression or the simple things that they say, that they have zero belief there is anything wrong with me.

I think in the world I can probably count the number of people that honestly believe there is something wrong with me on one hand. I'm not counting people that only go by what they read, but people that see me on a semi-regular basis. Some of them say innocuous things, some of them look at me in a way that is almost as loud as words.

I wish, just once, I could make people understand how I feel, how the lethargy takes over my body and drags me downwards. I wish I could make people realise how hard it is trying to read something when the brain fog has descended, reading and re-reading the same page over and over, trying to get it to sink in. How, doing what most people would consider to be a mundane task, my body is screaming in pain.

Last week, I hardly stopped for whatever reason, trying to keep on top of everything. The weekend was spent out and about, and yesterday - with the sun shining and it being warm - I mistakenly thought I would have enough energy to strim the front lawn and pull up the Knotweed out back. Halfway through the strimming I was knackered. By the end I was exhausted, and after I raked the grass and pulled up the weeds, I was exhausted. My hands and arms were burning from inside. I couldn't talk properly, my body doing it's "You Now Sound Drunk" party trick.

Usually, I would have had to walk Jaysen & Tam back to their mums, but the 0dd Mother-In-Law was present, so she threw me and Tam in the car and drove her back, then me home again.

Thank you, 0dd Mother-in-Law. And congrats to her on doing her 5k Walk For Life yesterday too!

Today, it was all I could do to shower and dress myself. I struggled with my hair, so gave up and tied it back only semi-brushed. That'll be fun to brush out later. I am doing nothing today - well, not till the evening, anyway with Cubs & Beavers - and am not sure that I could do much if I HAD to.

I'm in shit loads of pain. I am fully exhausted. I can't concentrate. Were it not for Firefox & Blogger spell-checking, this post would be littered with mistakes I am not noticing until they are highlighted.

Today, I am miserable. I want to curl up and cry, and I want someone to not only believe that I am broken, but to understand it too.

I have 8 days until I get to spill all this out to the specialist clinic. Eight days. I am hoping they will be able to prescribe something, anything,

Most of all, I want people to believe what I tell them, not assume I am a lazy scrounger that does nothing because I enjoy it.