I'm Not Dead (Yet)

Contrary to popular belief from my radio silence, I can confirm that I still alive. I might have dropped off the face of the earth, I may have gone a wee bit quiet, but I am still around, head down, plodding through... Well, my brain I suppose.

First off, to everyone that has messaged, text, twittered or contacted Kellie to see what's what, thank you. Honestly, it means a lot that so many of you noticed I was quiet, and took time out to see if I was alright. One of you that has been checking up on me has enough shit on his/her plate, but has still taken time out to make sure I was still fighting the good fight, so a special thank you there for that person - who I won't name, as he/she will only tell me I'd do the same, it was nothing, etc etc.

To be honest, I am not alright. Despite the rather dramatic title, it's nothing terrible - for some people, it probably doesn't even register as bad, but I have felt shit these last few weeks.

Shit physically, and Shit mentally.

Physically, I am in a lot of pain. I'm not sure what has changed, I am not sure what I have done, but my body feels heavy, tired, slow, and it hurts. Some days, it's a constant draining ache, other days, it feels like I have been hit by a truck.  Twice.

My hands and feet have been swelling, a knee hurts, bones ache deep inside my body, my head bangs and clatters around in my skull, my head feels heavy... And that's just today.

Additionally, my sleeping patterns are all screwed again, so tomorrow I am going back to Midnight/One-AM bedtimes, up at six.

Mentally, I have no drive. None. My head dredges up shitty stuff which I dwell on, I think about stuff and get caught up with things that have no baring on, well, anything. I have arguments in my mind with people over pointless things.

I am still functioning - I am still poodling around the house after people, I am still cooking some relatively nice dinners, I am washing and dressing and everything else, I am sorting the kids out and all the rest of it. Because I know exactly how some of you will read that. Granted, I have to push myself to do all this stuff, and no, before anyone starts ringing alarm bells, I am NOT about to throw myself off the top of The Shard...

Facebook has been left by the wayside (not that I was that active on there), and Twitter I have been struggling to keep up with, and obviously, 0ddness has been a bit quiet. But I am going to make more effort, more attempts at being involved with my friends.

I feel like crap, have random crap on my mind, and just want to feel good. Better. Healthy.

I am waiting for an appointment with my new specialist which I am hoping I will get this week. I will be chasing them for a date that I can start some sort of treatment. And I will be keeping people in the loop, involved, informed.

Again, thank you for everything, for all the messages and making sure I am alive. I've not replied to many of them but will do my best.

So no, I am not dead, nor will I be any time soon. Life has just sort of... Gotten away from me a bit.