Well That Took A While...

It has been noted by some (*cough*many*cough*) that yours truly has been missing in action for a while. It's true that 0ddness has not been updated for most of June, and to be honest, my excuses - now I've arranged them in my noggin - sound, well... feeble...

Mainly, I feel like shit. Proper It-Hurts-To-Do-Much-Of-Anything shit. Like a good boy, I take a cocktail of drugs in the morning, and I take my scheduled drugs in the afternoon, and my handful of drugs at bedtime. Plus, during the day, I am popping painkillers like they are M&Ms. But they don't seem to be doing much of anything. I get out of bed and am in pain. I potter around the house, and it hurts to do so, thus increasing the pain. I try to do "normal" stuff, and it hurts, increasing the pain. I flop on the sofa to chill out, but can't get comfy so fidget around a lot, which increases my pain. I go to bed, and the pain stops me from sleeping properly, so I fidget more and don't rest.

When I DO sleep, it's broken up by pain. So when I get up out of bed, I am in pain.

And the cycle begins all over again.

I've tried those very helpful bits of advice that many have offered of "Push Through It" or "Focus On Something Else And Ignore It" as well as "Get Over It" but aside from just being completely bloody moronic, all those bits of advice do is make me worse. I grin, bear it, grit my teeth, push through the pain - and end up making myself feel a million times worse for longer.

Yeah, THANKS for that advice.

I am still waiting on hearing from someone at the specialist place about my appointment, and if I've not heard anything by Wednesday, I am going to give them a tinkle.

On top of that, I am not sleeping properly again. Partly, over the last couple of nights, it's because the bedroom is silent where Kellie isn't here - as mentioned previously, she is with the 0dd Brother In Law down in Devon - so it's just me and Dom here this weekend (and into the week too).

As mentioned before, thanks to being in pain, I am struggling to get comfortable at night, and thus struggling to sleep properly. Disturbed sleep, more than insomniac sleep I think. I am waking up really early, and staying awake, after not sleeping very well during the night. It doesn't matter if I go to bed at 10pm or 1am, I automatically wake up at 0430 for NO reason at all, and stay awake. I then find myself nodding and fighting my body shutting down between 1pm and 3pm, and again at around 8pm...

On top of this, I don't feel like I've stopped of late. There always seems to be something that needs doing, something that needs sorting, somewhere that needs visiting... Monday is Beavers & Cubs, Tuesday is Fat Club, Wednesday Jaysen & Tamsyn come home, Thursday is Scouts... Then we seem to be doing stuff at weekends, alternate Sundays I have to walk the kids back to Jo. All this, while doing normal usual stuff in and around the house.

The boys - now both being in the realm of "Teenager" have developed this attitude of late that can be summed up with "Someone Else Will Do It" They waltz around asking if their laundry is done, when's lunch, when's dinner... Then when asked "Can you bring a wash load down from your room" or "Do that bit of washing up" it's like we've asked them to eat their own shit. End of the world, huffing, eye rolling, whining like girls... Stuff gets dumped in and around the house and just... left. Their room looks like burglars have been through it. They are now on pain of actual DEATH to keep it tidy, otherwise *I* will clear it up.

With bin bags.

I don't know, maybe I am just tired and cranky due to the pain. I don't know what the hell is going on any more to be honest. Life seems to have caught up, over-taken me, but actually run me over and left me at the side of the road. I want to stop hurting. I want to do something mundane without my body paying me back ten-times over. I want to enjoy life without having to bend over for everyone else.

Selfish? Maybe. Every once in a while though, surely that is acceptable?

As one of my favourite song lyrics goes: "I'm sick and tired, of always feeling sick and tired..."