Ah The Joys...
There is something about insomnia, or my body clock, or my brain, that is just bizarre. Or humans in general? Whatever it is, I don't get it. I don't understand how I can be exhausted all day long, and decide an early night is what I need - only to find myself still wide awake seven hours later.
It's pushing 4am here and obviously, no other bastard is awake. I've always been a night owl, but when I have something to do - gaming, movie marathons, binge-watching TV shows - but I read for a few hours, couldn't keep my eyes open, curled up, and...
Well, the bit that follows the "and" is still in progress.
Yes, I've got crap on my mind.
Yes, I'm hurting.
Yes, I feel crap.
But I wouldn't say any more than normal. And no, I can't just "clear my mind" nor take more meds, nor deal with it or anything else equally helpful.
And now I can hear a blackbird starting to gear up for the Dawn Chorus.
I know what's going to happen... I'll wake up either early (Poppy'd Awake), or manage a lay in. Then by lunch I'll be exhausted and force myself to stay awake. By mid-afternoon I will doze off: my body we just thrown in a big fat NOPE and I'll sleep for an hour. Then the rest of the day will be me struggling to stay with it to function. I'll get into bed between half eight and, say, ten... And here I'll be this time tomorrow.
I hate it and I'm sick of it. But as ever in my long history of insomnia, I refuse to take meds to put me to sleep. I don't want to end up on more drugs, especially things as addictive and nasty as sleeping tablets. Any if you can't your minds back, you'll remember I tried Melatonin for a few months, and that stopped working too.
I'm just fed up. I'm sick of feeling crap all the time. I'm sick of fighting feeling shit all the time. I'm sick of people getting arsey with me for not doing as much as they feel I should, and on the other side of that shitty coin, getting arsey because I have to change plans because I pushed myself too far and made myself worse. The stigma I face from people that still - STILL - don't get it, after so many years of me being like this, I hate it. I hate the looks and the "funny" jokes, and the whispered comments to others, and the outright bluntness and disbelieving at how I can be, and how I am...
I just feel that everything has been an uphill struggle for so long, the fight is slowly ebbing away. But I will carry on, watching the sky change colour while I lay awake all night, ignore the sounds I make trying to dress or shower or walk up four stairs, just accept the shitty feelings and side effects I get from my meds, and do my best to draw a smile on my face, tell people "I'm ok" and just carry on as usual until... I don't know... The miraculous cure some people seem to think will happen. Or I get caught up in my own neurosis. Or I manage to "just get over it" as is often advised to me.
But for now at four in the morning, I will carry on trying to sleep, knowing tomorrow I'll be equally as moody and stressy, and just plod on.