Long Time, No Sleep

It's been a long long time since I put in an appearance online. I've not blogged in a long time, haven't been on Facebook since last Autumn, Twitter only sporadically, and Instagram only now & then. The last couple of months have been long, hard and arduous... And the fact I'm here at half three in the morning should also suggest how well I'm coping with my insomnia, let alone everything else.

Physically and Mentally, I have been really struggling. With everything. My body feels like it is just done before I actually manage anything, and my brain doesn't know WHAT the fuck it's doing most of the time. I'm depressed, stressed, nervous, worried, paranoid, anxious... I'm past the point of being "tired" almost every day before I even force myself out of bed. One or two chores, and that's me wiped out for the rest of the day, and usuallly the following day as well.

I know most people don't want to read me moaning and whinging about poor old me, but it's gotten to the point where I don't talk about me much any more. People might ask how I am, and I'm given the option of either A) saying the same shit I always say, or B) lie about how I'm feeling. And neither are much of an option. My sleep patterns are screwed beyond belief, my migraines have increased in both frequency AND intensity (now I am usually sick with them, as opposed to vomiting being a rarity), and my pain levels are generally at the point where most things out actions cause additional pain.

As a general rule, my brain was never the most quiet of minds in the world, but over the last couple of months, it's gotten steadily noisier. Flashbacks to shit I've been through. Dwelling on stuff going on. Worrying about things that may be nothing or may be the end of the world. Reliving crap. Obsessing over random things. And that's on top of all the other shit it throws out as "normal" with random questions, forgetting everything from names to dates to things I'm supposed to be doing, plus the bizarre thoughts and the odd "flash-card" type phenomenon I deal with.

I just feel like a great big useless lump of fat, in everyone's way, pissing everyone off, upsetting people, doing the wrong things, saying the wrong things - or on the flip side, not doing the right things and not saying the right things - in my mind, there's a difference.

I've just been finding it very hard to make people understand how I feel. I struggle to talk, I can't open up, and generally the only time I can get any sort of order to my scrambled grey matter is by just writing, and seeing what comes out. I would love nothing more than to be at work, and failing that, to get up, sort the kids out, see Kellie out, spend the day with Poppy whilst clearing and tidying every aspect of the house, cooking dinner, helping kids with homework, keeping fit... But most days, it's all I can do to put clothing on myself. I feel like I make no monetary contribution to the family, and the bare basics I DO manage to do aren't enough, and everyone else has to try picking up the slack. Worse, I force myself to do more - and end up making myself feel even worse for a few days.

I don't know how to fix how I feel, either physically or mentally. People come out with really "helpful" suggestions like, "Try just being happy" or "Push through it and you'll feel better" but they are just words. If I could JUST be happy, I would be. If I could PUSH through the pain I would do so.

I know I've disappeared from a lot of peoples inboxes and text logs, and I'm sorry. I just don't know exactly how to... Be. I know people stop talking to me because they simply don't know what to say when I answer truthfully, and by the same token, I feel like such a crap friend when I can't just go out and do stuff, or don't know what to say or how to deal with people's situations...

I dunno. I'm just rambling at this point I think. My eyes are burning from tiredness, but I can't sleep. My body is aching all over, but my hands and legs are literally throbbing. I need a drink too, but the effort of walking to the kitchen is a bit beyond me at the moment.

Who knows - maybe I feel extra crappy tonight because I'm just so tired. Exhausted, even. My brain has been screaming in my ear since I came to bed many hours ago, so I've opted to try just getting this all typed out without thinking too hard. Open the floodgates, if you will.

With that, I think I've moaned enough, sounded depressed enough, and rambled enough for one evening. I just wish I could expanding myself in a more eloquent fashion, make people realise and understand what I'm going through and how I'm feeling, but better.

And now, the birds are slowly starting to wake up... Hopefully I'll get SOME sleep tonight.

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