Nineteen Years?

To My Beautiful Angel, Bethany...

I can't understand how it has been nineteen years since you left. And for whatever reasons, these last couple of years have been really hard. Really, really difficult. Valentines rolls around, and I remember that is the day when things really started to go south, and then the litany of problems that just cascaded, culminating into, well... This.

Nineteen years is a long time, but at the same time, it feels like no time at all has passed. And I try to look back and remember the good, the fun, the laughing, your running about like a lunatic, your cheekiness, and I hold on to the silly little things you used to do, from reciting your alphabet, to just leaning towards me and putting your hands on either side of my face and just... Looking. Just eye contact, looking into each others eyes.

And this last couple of years, I have done my best to not make you cross with how I've been, but it's been hard. Everything has worked against me, and I am just so tired, so fed up, exhaustion, pain... Everything has been a lot, and I keep putting one foot in front of the other, and most days I don't even know how I am constantly pushing forwards.

To say I miss you is a massive understatement. To say the pain goes away after almost two decades is laughable. To say I'm fine and I'm over it would be a lie. Granted, I can talk about you to anyone, and Poppy is always asking questions about you - what you were like, what you enjoyed, what made you laugh... I see so much of her in you some days. Your kindness and unlimited love for literally anyone and everyone. Her anger at injustice and rudeness. Her sense of humour. Her naughty streak... And she tells her friends about you, much like I tell my friends about you, and she says it like she knew you.

Maybe she does. I wouldn't be surprised if you have checked in on her since she was born. I know when you've come to see me, when you're in my dreams and you just sit on my lap with your little arms around my neck. 

Just know that everyone who matters knows about my little Angel Bethy. Even people that don't matter know about you, and all these years later, I know that a great many people around the world think fondly of you, and miss you, especially today. Apart from how much of an impact you made on my life, you touched more people than you could ever possibly know.

You are truly a little marvel, and you are missed every single day.

See you in the future, my Bethy... I see you baby.

I always see you.


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