Just Feeling Down

Some days I feel just "crappy". There's no way to explain how, or why, or what caused me to slip into a funk, but I just wake up feeling unhappy. Some days, I am fine, and so much back to "Normal Dan" it amazes me and those around me that thought he was long gone. And other days - just like yesterday - I wake up feeling good, bundle downstairs, check my email, and read something that shoots me down. I'm talking "duck blown out the sky with a cannon" shoots me down, not a little bit of engine smoke and a calm, casual landing.

Invariably, I hit the ground with a heavy thump and a splat, and there I stay for a while till I can scrape myself up again and move on, slowly getting better until I am fine again.

Despite being out all day yesterday, I was just trudging around looking at the stuff in the shops, apathetic to the options of this-versus-that, and generally unhelpful. We got home, got the boy from school, and spent the rest of the afternoon doing housework on autopilot, sorted dinner, then watched a couple of DVDs in bed.

Now today, I've woken up later than usual, and instead of running around sorting everything, I am thinking "Meh, if we're late we're late". I need to scrape myself up, need to get on with everything. I hate wallowing, and hate sounding like I want the world to sit me down and say "There there Dan" because that's NOT me. No doubt I will spend another day sulking in the corner, playing the bloody "What If..." game, looking at the decision I helped make and wonder if it was the right one. Then I will start reattaching my limbs and moving on.

I think it might be time for me to leave the CHD Lists out there that I am on.

Newer Post Older Post

11 Responses to “Just Feeling Down”

Laney said...

I won't say 'cheer up', because everyone is allowed to be down in the dumps sometimes, and people saying 'cheer up' makes you want to smack them in the mouth when you are feeling crappy.

I'll just say "I hope you have a better day today" instead. :)

RhythmUnbroken said...

I'll go with Laney on this one.

Hope you have a better day. :)

jenny said...

Dan,
I think you might be right about leaving the lists. It is a hard thing, to think of leaving a community that you have been such a part of, and a group of people who have supported you through "it all". However, you will likely stay in touch with those you want to (after all, we can always stalk you here...heh...heh..drool, snicker...).

Don't want to say "hope it's all better soon" with some sort of Barbie smile on...I know that can sound trite. Let me just say, consider yourself hugged, and my thoughts are with you and Jo...:)

Terri said...

Dan, not a day goes by that I don't think of you. I don't know what I would do if anything happened to Matthew... he'll be 2 this May 10th.. and I fall more in love with him every day... and I can't bear the thought of losing him...now or at 4 or ever... I constantly wonder how people that lose their kids, go on... seriously.

When my brother will killed (I was 14, he was 11.. he was hit by a car w/ a crossguard standing by)

IT KILLED MY MOM AND DAD and my family.... they were never ever the same...
our family crumbled like a house of cards... about a year or so later, my mom and dad divorced after 15 years of marriage w/ 3 other kids left.

It is absolutely devastating to lose a child.

I have missed you and I've been worried about you... I swear.. every day I think of you and Jo...

I have thought of leaving the CHD "list" as well... reading everything that goes on all the time is like ripping a scab off...
and I haven't lost my child...
I live in constant fear that I will lose Matthew, too.

I think for you .. it would be best to not read all of that...

it's keeping you back ... reminding you of all those hard times...
it's like you need to do something with all of those emotions pent up inside you... somehow you need to get it all out....invest your energy into other things...
LIKE YOUR BLOG!!!

DriedPapercutsAndChickens said...

I think that reading it is hard...(this is in response to teri) I know that many have left but some stay....you dont know they stay but they do....usually on digest and rarely do they pipe up and almost never do they read...they scan the digest list but they want to know about the other families they have come to know. Some want to stay just in case they can help. I think the CHD world would loose a lot if Dan left....but I can't blame him for leaving....I prob would well, with the exception of one group....they are a bunch of loons who rarely talk CHDs so, I dont think I could ever leave them....
yep this is me babbling away.
Besides, I am selfish...I would miss my friend

Em's way said...

You have to do whats best for you Dan. Protect yourself first, you and your family. I would hate to see you leave the lists, but can understand why, and whilst I would miss you there, think I would miss you alot more if you were not the Dan we all have come to know and love .

Hugs and love from us to you all xxx

g-man said...

I hope you feel better Dan. I really wish I had something more profound to say. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

Deni said...

Keep smiling........

The Special Zipper said...

Dan
Like Terri I have been thinking of you guys a lot. It is obvious things are not going well. I tried to message you yesterday however could not send from the airport.
I don't think I can add anything that your friends haven't said. You continue to touch and help a lot of people ... but maybe you have done your bit and it is time to move on to look after yourselves for a change.

Thoughts and prayers with you all.

Nancy said...

I also think about you and Jo every day. I talk to my friends and family about my loony English buddy who loves to give me a hard time (and who I give back to as well as I get). Jess loves you and your family as well. But I can see how reading all the bad stuff on the chd boards can get you down. I'm sure some of the stuff I write about Miss Jess could get to you... I know it does me. lol

Nobody could blame you for leaving the chd lists. You gotta do what you gotta do to take care of yourself and your family. Only don't stop blogging. Don't drop off the face of the earth - we need to know that you are still there and we want to hear how your family is doing from time to time.

I hope today is a better day for you and yours.

((hugs))

Terri said...

I want to clarify something that I said ...

the selfish part of me does NOT want Dan to leave the CHD lists... he's so great and uplifting...
and always has the perfect thing to say...

I would never want him to quit blogging, EVER! I love him!

I wish there was something I could do to help take that pain away.