A Solution!

It can be said, that some of mans best ideas come from a night of drinking. Granted, some of mans worst ideas probably stem from the same place, but in general, you can bet that drinking will usually cause some kind of brainwave. How to make a light sabre, how to measure the speed of dark, why certain words like "flammable" and "inflammable" mean the same things.

Well, after spending the better part of ten hours drinking, I have a solution. You see, over here in Jolly Old Britain, the papers are always on about the dangers of Binge Drinking. It leads to fights and assaults, not to mention the classic "Sleeping Outside the Pub" and "Passed Out in the Middle of the Road" assaults. Well, I can cure that.

Stop making everyone try to lose weight! No, bare with me on this. You see, I am what you might call a bit large. You might also call me Moby Dick. Er, no, let me rephrase that. I could lay on a beach, and Greenpeace would turn up, throw wet towels over me, and try to roll me into the ocean.

So, back to reasoning. Last night, I started drinking at about half eight. I started on the beer, and worked up through the beverages available. After beer, me and Ruth at two bowls of alcoholic jelly. Actually, they were very alcoholic jellies. Which we started eating, then doing shots, then mixing. After that, I had some more beers, and then went onto the vodka and red bull, the last of which I finished at 4am.

Ruth and Jo were giggling by about 11pm, and Paul was a bit worse-for-wear by about 1am. But me? I got to tingly (at around midnight) and tipsy (at about 2am), but all in all, I was making the drinks, getting the towels for the constant "Ruth kicked over her drink again", making coffee, tidying up the empties...

We walked home, and I expected the fresh air to kick the booze into action, but to no avail. Flopped into bed at half four, got up at eight. No hangover, no delicate tummy, not suffering from Beer-Monkey-Breath, nor suffering from the Sahara Throat. Just got up like any other day.

And I am certain it's because I am a fatty.

So, back to the plan at hand. Stop the healthy eating campaigns, stop serving fruit in MacDonalds (I mean, you eat in there, you KNOW it's bad for you!), and stop advertising healthy oils to cook with. That way, the binge drinkers will spend all their money, kick over a few drinks, but go home without picking fights with lamp posts...

And yes, we had a great night :)

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8 Responses to “A Solution!”

Anonymous said...

Promoting binge drinking and unhealthy eating? Yeah, great role model.

Dan said...

1. harsh or bitter derision or irony.
2. a sharply ironical taunt; sneering or cutting remark: a review full of sarcasms.

Or, in other words, yes, I am doing just that... I think everyone should be drunk and fat. And hey, let's all do illegal drugs, and then - then! - we can post anonymous comments on peoples blog without knowing what we're talking about.

And role model? Me? Riiight.

I'm sorry, but I don't have patience for people that arrive at a blog, make an anonymous comment, and then bugger off. Chances are, you'll never be back, never see this reply, have NO clue about anything, and generally smell. Probably.

Dan said...

Wait, maybe I should add a big "SARCASM" banner to that comment, so Mr or Mrs Anon doesn't think I am promoting drugs too...

Dan said...

I should probably add this too, just to be safe from the Anon-Team:

–noun, plural -nies.
1. the use of words to convey a meaning that is the opposite of its literal meaning: the irony of her reply, “How nice!” when I said I had to work all weekend.
2. Literature.
a. a technique of indicating, as through character or plot development, an intention or attitude opposite to that which is actually or ostensibly stated.
b. (esp. in contemporary writing) a manner of organizing a work so as to give full expression to contradictory or complementary impulses, attitudes, etc., esp. as a means of indicating detachment from a subject, theme, or emotion.
3. Socratic irony.
4. dramatic irony.
5. an outcome of events contrary to what was, or might have been, expected.
6. the incongruity of this.
7. an objectively sardonic style of speech or writing.
8. an objectively or humorously sardonic utterance, disposition, quality, etc.

Em's way said...

Anon next time try and get a feel for a blog before posting utter CR*P like that !!

Just off to MaccyD's via the pub Dan, d'ya want anyhting? I will tie the kids up outside the pub, for safety , can't have them wandering off whilst I am binging hehehehehe

Dan said...

Don't forget to stop off at the local drug dealer...

g-man said...

Sounds like fun. If I ever make it abroad we're goin' drinkin' (Right after eating some McDonalds!)

Em's way said...

OOh G-Man can I come too :D Hic