A Friend In Need...

With me and the boy at home, it's nice to do things without female interference. You know, I can tidy up and not have one of the girls trashing the house behind me. I can make a sarnie and enjoy it without having it stolen off me. I can get a drink, and not end up having to carry up the rest of the kitchen for everyone else.

I can even take my boots off without being moaned at about the smell. OK, that's a lie, Jaysen hates my smelly feet too, but other than that, all is quiet.

I plonked into bed just after 11pm last night - no need to leave a light on ("In case I need a wee") and no need to bring up a drink ("In case I wake up thirsty"), no need to start the DVD player off again ("It keeps her quiet"). I had a shower, got Man-Dry (you know, once over with the towel, job done), and fell into bed.

Where I laid reading till 3am, without being moaned at for the light being on. Ahhhh bliss. I nodded off just before 4am and spread as far as I liked in the bed, used as many pillows as I liked, rolled over without squashing a woman or a toddler and generally slept for a couple of hours, before getting up, showering and checking my mail around 6am.

Just after 7am, my phone rings. The only person to call at that time of the day is Ruth, usually to advise "Can I bring such-and-such-item" when I come around at 8.20am, or to say she or the girls are sick and not to worry about knocking.

She didn't sound happy, and it transpired that in her wisdom, she tripped over a shoe in the dark and slipped down the stairs. Ouchy. Guess she should have left a light on in case she needed a wee in the night. *ahem*

Anyway, me and Jaysen hastily got sorted and shot around there to help out where we could, but her girls had pretty much done everything that needed doing. I took them into school and came back to help her with anything, where she abused her "injured" status (like all women do, be it tooth extraction, birth, a cold/flu... bunch of wimps) and made me do her housework, make her coffee, even go and do her shopping for her. I'm surprised she didn't ask me to clean her loo or anything.

And her house is deadly - she has evil lampshades that attack me when ever I walk past them.

Anyways, by half ten, I doped her on drugs and escaped before she decided her lawn needed mowing, and came home to do my own housework, where I've done laundry, folding clothes, tidying toys, sweeping, wrestling with a veritable mountain of female shoes and generally been busy.

I sat down to lunch just after midday and put my feet up. Jo has been phoning on and off all morning, something about lack of sleep or something, but you know how these females exaggerate. And Evil Old Aunt That's Not Really An Aunt hasn't croaked yet, though I did get a text earlier that read:

"Think the old cow is going to croak on me - she's upstairs retching away for no reason"

The crazy old cow even told Jo off for getting up late. Jo - up at 7am with Tam. Crazy Cow - up at 10am to tell off Jo. And yes, I sound callous and horrible, but she's one of those cranky old ladies. She even gave Jo a hard time because she had to make her own toast "so late" in the day.

I suspect Jo will be the same in a couple of years.

And to finish, I've been enjoying a "sliced meat" product over the last couple of days in my sandwiches. Probably hugely bad for you, but I figured it was meatloaf. "Haslet" as it turns out, is made from "Pork Entrails". Entrails being everything from the Oral Cavity - that's the tongue - all the way through to the back door, or, biologically speaking, the anus. Checked the ingredients list (cunningly placed on the underside of the packaging) and sure enough - "Meat from Pork Sources" which translates to "the wiggly bits from the tongue through to the bumhole".

Still, it's nice though! Jo didn't sound too impressed when I told her - wish I had found out sooner while she was eating it though. Comedy is all in the timing.

I just hope helping Mr Motorcyclist and now Ruth has assured my place in a less pit of Hell.