Matters of the Heart Pt2

You may recall the super-happy-fun adventure that Miss Kellie is currently on.  Well, last Thursday we went up to Southend Hospital (FYI; Yuck) and she attended the Heart & Chest clinic.

Now, the test in question was originally referred to as a "Monitor" which I assumed from my time on the cardiac circuit as a little box strapped to the chest with a couple of wires sticking out.  Funny little battery pack for Kellie, har har, highly amusing.

Then Kellie said she was having an R-Test.  Very strange, never heard of that before, and me being me, I asked my good friend Mr Google about it.  As usual, he spouted off lots of helpful info, about how this thing worked, and after a bit of digging, I found a picture of it...

Not Kellie
Very, er, stylish, don't you think.  Of course, me being the sarcastic arsehole sympathetic soul that I am, I showed Kellie and told her it's not toooooo bad.  It may have come out in a slightly different tone, more along the lines of "BWHAHAHA Nice necklace!" but I digress.

So, we trundled up to the unit and the nurse took us into a cubical.  Lucky for me, the nurse was as sadistic sympathetic as I, and realised that Kellie was probably on the verge of a breakdown.

First up, the little unit on a sexy necklace.  No no, that's not the case, it's a BLOODY GREAT box that is attached to the top of her cleavage with a super-sticky cardiac sticker thing.  Second, the side-probe via a wire... The picture above shows a nice direct route.  However, Kellie has... er... um... Shall we say, ample charms for a the wire to be re-routed around.  The nurse took the wire, tried to measure, saw me chuckling and said something like "Yep, that won't reach there..." and took out a spool of cable.

Being that I am such a sympathetic soul, I was very supportive of her.  So much so, that in her blind panic to Get-The-Hell-Out, she failed to re-dress herself.  HOW she got tangled in her own top is still beyond me, but, lucky for her, the nurse was able to help her.  She even fixed Kellies collar so she didn't look like she'd been in the cubical for more than just a monitor fitting...

Cue the cheesy Bow-Chica-Bow-Wow guitar sound, and a sly wink from yours truly.

Like a bat out of hell, Kellie was off, the nurse giggling, me being helpful and supportive, and we almost made it out the hospital, before she realised that in aforementioned blind panic, she'd left her sunglasses behind.

So, we did a one-eighty and headed right back up there.

Bless, they'd even left her a voice mail message to let her know she'd forgotten them...

After exiting the hospital (take two) we then trundled back, and my mind was in overdrive.  After all, the "discreet monitoring unit" was, shall we say... Not.

You're supposed to be looking at the silver thing...
Of course, with me on the case, Kellie was very much aware of how NOT discreet and how NOT unobtrusive it was...  So much so, she decided to do up her buttons to hide it...

Stylish WAG
The list of things running around my head just kept building up and up.
  • Worst wire-tap in a Mob Crackdown EVER..
  • Largest Hands-Free Kit in the World...
  • Alien Technology in the wrong hands...
  • Suicide Bomber without the High Explosives...
  • A Spy Camera for Perverts...
And on and on like the broken record that I am.

The kids saw it, and being that children are taught to not stare at ones differences, they were excellent.  When I say "excellent" I mean, when talking to Kellie, not one of them could look at her in the eyes.  Their eyes were fixed firmly on the Big Silver Box.  And even more amusing, they stare at it no matter the subject.  First it was all "How does it work" and "What does it do" while looking, but then, when those questions were exhausted, it was "What's for dinner" or "Can I play on the Wii" while STILL staring at her chest...

On top of all this, the nurse instructed Kellie that she could remove it for bathing/showering, but not for too long.  Leave the two buttons on the side alone, only press the big one if you want to record an "event" but don't unplug it...

See where this is going?

Now, it wouldn't be so bad if it made it through a few days before her "mishap", but we're talking hours after the "don't unplug the wire" instruction.

Bedtime, and generally, Kellie sleeps in the nip, and I wear boxers in case of marauding kids.  However, with her spool of wire, I suggested to her that, just for a few nights, she should sleep in a tee shirt.  In case she garrotes one/both of us in her sleep, and we wake up dead and tangled up.

"No no, I'll be fine"
*PING*

There goes the wire then.  She had literally JUST laid in the bed and in a fidgeting shift of her body, caught her cabling under her boob and ripped the wire out the box.

I set to reconnecting her to the mains and she decided that, yes, a tee shirt might be a good idea for a few nights.

Saturday rolls around, and she gets up for her shower before work and we set to disconnecting her, and the places she has sticky tabs are, shall we say, a bit tender.  A better description would be "Red, Swollen and Angry"

Kellies medical file now has a side note that reads "Allergy to sticky cardiac tabs"

Of course, trying to figure out what to do involves giving the hospital a quick call.  "The department is closed"  Great.  I'll try a different one.  "The department is closed"  OK, third time's the charm... I get a nurse that really either A) Doesn't Care, or B) Doesn't Have a Clue.

So, I improvise, and put the unit and it's extension lead in slightly different places.  No way can I stick something she's allergic to over a nasty red bit.

The event button is also a source of great amusement.  When she has a flutter, a pain, a numbness or whatever else comes along, she has to press the Big Button of Doom and write down in her Dear Diary... journal the time, what happened and how it made her feel.

Now, these instructions, to me, say that, If something happens that you're worried about, press the button and write it down.  To Kellie, however, it says, If something happens, have a think about it, think about when you last pressed it, um and arr over it, then decide not to press it in case it's all in your head and you really don't want to doctors to think you're going mad... But if you do decide to press it, you may or may not write it down because really, you're still not sure if you're just making a lot of fuss...

When she had to press it the first time, she nearly peed herself as the first thing it does - without telling you - is beep a couple of times... Then ten seconds later, it beeps again and then shuts up.  Friday morning - after the Boob Disconnection Incident - she pressed her button and nothing happened.  No double beep, no peeing of the pants, no single beep ten seconds later.  However, the instruction booklet with the Big Silver Box says the unit may or may not beep.  Very helpful.

Of course, since then, it seems to be beeping sometimes when she presses it, but not every time.  Maybe it's a female unit.  You know... A bit temperamental.

And so, here we are, Monday morning.  Kellie is still feeling dog-rough, the box may or may not be working, trying to find a person with a least half a functioning brain cell at the hospital for advice is, shall we say, a bit tricky.  First port of call - utilising the common-sense I was granted at birth - was the place she actually got the Big Silver Box fitted.  They set them up, they install them, run the wires for it.  So, Kellie calls the Heart & Chest clinic, tells them what's happening and... They transfer her to a different department.

That is closed.

I've now told her to stuff them, when the unit goes back tomorrow morning, I'm going to write a note telling them all the problems she's been having with it (I am not one of these problems) and the fact that trying to find someone for advice is kind of like some sort of quest akin to the Holy Grail...

Only with less clattering of coconut shells together.

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3 Responses to “Matters of the Heart Pt2”

Jodie said...

"What's for dinner" or "Can I play on the Wii" while STILL staring at her chest...

Is this you or the kids you're talking about here? hehehe..

Hope Kellie begins to feel better soon and it's nothing to worry "too" much about (if thats possible xx)

Jack Stone said...

Had this done at southend last year. Mine started beeping and I had to go back and have it changed as they said it wasn`t working properly.Found it very uncomfortable but they got the data they wanted in the end. Good luck and hope the follow up goes well.

Laney said...

I had this monitoring done 10 years ago and trust me it was much, MUCH worse than this new-fangled technology you have here. I had to wear a giant chastity belt with a huge box attached, about the size of a tub of butter , with jabby sharp edges, and I had five or six sticky things. Very uncomfortable.