Six

Today, Bethany has been gone for six years.  It just seems like a mind-bogglingly large number.

I usually find that I am worse in the early hours of the morning, but this year, Kellie was well prepared to head off anything nasty, and has been plying me with movies and cuddles and all manner of nice things.

Not that she doesn't normally, but for today, we have an inordinately-large amount of comedy movies, nice nibbly things and a massive nice dinner planned.  All things being equal, there is a good chance I will explode.

Last night, pretty much as midnight rolled around, I felt the oppressive weight of todays date on my shoulders, but while sat watching Nicholas Cage play a con-man, I decided I would do my utmost to focus on the GOOD of todays date.

I know that might sound strange, but in my mind it does sound right.

Today, six years ago, I lost my little girl, and she became an angel.  But through that, I know how much better she is now...  I know that with all the other little kids up there, she can run, and play, and dance, and never again has to know the scratch of a needle, the taste of medicine that, even though it was vile, she always took without complaint.  I know that she can do what she wants, when she wants, how she wants.  She doesn't have to know fear, pain, or see the look on my face trying to be brave for her.

To my brave little gorgeous, Bethy,
It has been so long - too long - since I have felt you squeeze up against me. So long since you have swung out on the banisters to see me at the front door.  Too long to feel you trying to escape me tickling you.

It has been too long not to see you, to kiss you, to hold you and to cuddle you.

But you know what, I know that where ever you are, no matter what you are doing, you are having fun doing it.  Yes, I miss feeling you snuggle into my lap for one of you cuddles on the stairs, but I know that one day, we will be able to make up for lost time.

I think about you all the time, my gorgeous little lady, and I hate knowing you've been gone longer than you were down here, but I know that you did so much good in that short space of time, that your tiny little heart - even if it wasn't quite right - was so full of love for everyone that ever came into contact with you, even those that never met you in person...  Even people that never even knew of you when you were alive...

You're something special, Bethy.  You always were, and you always will be.

I wish so hard that you could have met Kellie, that you could sit on her lap and show her your zippers, that you could give her one of your cuddles.  Me telling her about you, talking about how much I miss you... It doesn't seem to do you justice.  You would have her wrapped so tightly around your little finger, it's not even funny. 

I miss you with every bone and every fibre in my body, but I know in my heart that you are having such a good time where ever you are, always dancing, always running...

I love you Bethy, and can't wait to have all those hugs owing to me.

I see you baby, I always see you..
-Daddy

Yes, today I am missing my daughter, just like I do every day, and especially like I do on this date. But today, I am smiling while thinking of her, smiling knowing that she is running with all the others, not living in fear nor in pain.  I am doing my best to not dwell on the hospital, not dwelling on the sights and sounds from that day, the expressions nor the words of the doctors.  I am thinking about how beautiful, how wonderful, how cheeky and how amazing my little angel is.