My Angel

My brain is usually good with "time" and my internal clock is pretty accurate. However, when it comes to Bethy, it isn't sure.

Today, as hard as it is to believe, Bethy has been gone for seven years. On the one hand, this day in 2005 feels like it was just yesterday. On the other, it is almost like it was an eternity ago. I still remember every moment of that day like it was just yesterday, the noises, the smells, the emotion; but it feels so long ago.

And, I suppose, it WAS a long time ago.

As I have said many times, people using the adage "Time is a great healer" can never understand that, actually, no, time is NOT a great healer. Time makes things different, but it doesn't heal it.

But I digress.

Seven years ago, at 12.21pm, Bethy had had enough. Enough of having limits on her physical exercise, enough of being on medication, enough of trying to recover from the heart surgery, and that was that. With a sigh, she was gone.

And I know - I KNOW - that where ever she is now, she is better. She is doing what she wants, when she wants. She doesn't have to worry about passing out because she ran too far, about having a funny turn because the swings were going to fast, about having to stop undressing her dolly because she needs to take a metric ton of medication... She can run, and jump, and dance, and if she trips and falls and scrapes her knee, I've not got to take her to a doctor for additional antibiotics.

Today - despite being very tired from a very busy few days - I am focusing on everything BEFORE this day of 2005. I am thinking about the beautiful little moo dangling out on the bannisters, I am thinking about my beautiful little moo babbling away about, well, nothing in particular... Today is about everything BEFORE today.

To my Beautiful Angel, Bethany...

Seven years you've been gone my sweet. Seven years of doing things YOU want to do, without worry about what might happen to you after. 

It feels so long ago, but still feels so raw, I can't get my head around it. But I know you're there sometimes, watching us do whatever we're doing. Sometimes, I think I catch sight of you, sometimes I think I hear your dirty little giggle, and some nights, I dream of you sitting with me.

I miss you sitting with me.

Part of me is jealous of everyone that you have with you, of everyone that can see you every day, that can have one of your extra-tight-around-the-neck cuddles. I miss your cuddles, almost as much as I miss you.

But you're better. I know you are now even more perfect that you were before, and don't have to worry about anything, let alone what your body was going to do next.

Sometimes I wonder what it would have been like to have an extra month, a year, but I can't dwell on what-ifs. The what-ifs are too painful, so I don't..

I often sit here, telling Kellie about you, about the things you did. You might have been "poorly" but you could get into the worst kind of trouble. Shaving Sally Dog, emptying the bean bags in the house THEN in the garden, pouring the massive pot of paint of the carpet... But even in your short time down here, you lived. That's the main part.

And you did so much. You bought together so many people, raised awareness of CHDs and made so many people HAPPY. You should be proud of what you did in such a short space of time. I know I am proud of you.

Run around, my little gorgeous, dance, sing at the top of your voice. I'll get my cuddles some day, you'll get to run rings around Kellie, but we've got a lot to do down here first.

I love you and miss you terribly, my beautiful Angel. And as ever, I See You Baby...

All my love,

If you're new here, please take into consideration: Congenital Heart Defects are THE NUMBER ONE birth defect in children across the world. They don't know what causes them, most cannot be "cured" and yet there is no protocol in place to check every newborn. One in every One Hundred Babies is born with some form of defect, some worse than others, most requiring some form of surgery to correct.

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6 Responses to “My Angel”

Seaside Tracie said...

beautiful words Dan for a beautiful Girly :) Everytime Bianca and I hear that song we think of Bethy.....I've been thinking back and realised that of all the 'heart friends' I've met over the years, it's the ones I met through CHD-UK that I'm closest too.Sending you huge hugs and <3 .....Bethy will will live on in all our hearts xx

Chris said...

As I sit here reading your words tears roll down my face meeting my lips that are in a poignant smile. Bethy made us all cry but she made us all smile much more. Everyone that came into contact with her went away with a little more happiness. She radiated love. She was a little sod at times but we forgave her everything because she was Bethy. We love and miss her and she remains in our minds and hearts forever. Love from Gandad

Jeanne said...

Sending Huggs your way... and thanks for sharing little Moo with us once again..... She will be forever loved and missed.

debbie said...

Truly beautiful and truly love and truly missed

Chris H said...

Dang you made me cry. {{{HUGS}}} Dude.

Jane VW said...

Dan I can never forget Bethy's anniversary. It's my birthday. I think of you both especially on that day, but also EVERY TIME I see a bloody Renault Megane.